Want to get married but not sure DP does?

[LittleMissTeacup]

My DP and I have been together for 6 years. During this time, we have had several talks about where we see ourselves in the future. I’m older by 3 years and I’m now 34. After we’d been dating for about 2 years, we decided to move in together and I had a deposit saved up which funded us buying a house together and furnishing it. This was all part of our long term plans we’d discussed. After a year of living here, I mentioned about children as we were both keen to start a family (one of our early discussions), he agreed but I said I wanted to get married first.
Since then, over the next 3 years, he’s decided that it’s not the right time to get married and, since I want to be married before having children, that will have to wait as well.
Valentine’s Day has been and gone and I think I’m feeling sad - I’m now at the age where I don’t see proposals on social media as all my friends are married.
For context, his friends are not married and, all of them have gfs significantly younger than me - 7 to 8 years younger. Sometimes he says “oh they don’t want to get married and have children for another 7 years” which is fine for them, but I’d be in my 40s if we followed his friends’ plans.
My mum is a firm believer that I basically do “wifey” work such as housework, food shopping, lunch sandwiches etc. and she maintains that you shouldn’t do this until you are a wife. I disagreed, I felt we were on the same page, which we seemed to be when we got the house, but now “it’s not the right time” or “it will happen when it happens”.
I now start to think the problem is that he doesn’t want to marry me, like I’ll do, but I’m not his long term plan. However, I’m fully prepared to accept this could be my insecurity as when I’ve dated before him, it’s always been made clear to me by ex’s that I’m not their long term relationship and I’m not worth the commitment. I actually gave up dating for a few years until I met DP.
I don’t want to have children without marriage - I’d like to share the same surname and feel all connected, as silly as that sounds. However, I would like children and am starting to get concerned that my age is going to make this harder.
Am I just worrying too much and letting my past insecurities get in the way and I should accept it will happen when it happens?

Op,
I’ve been in a similar situation and it’s so tough! Mine ended with a showdown and as I bumped my suitcase (loudly) down the stairs... he didn’t even take his feet off the coffee table as I walked out. It was quite a shock to finally see the real truth rather than what I had assumed was happening in our relationship. I had tried from every conceivable angle to try to ‘understand’ his position, while omitting the obvious one that he just wasn’t interested in marriage/kids with me.
Ending it was the best thing, met DH 6 months after and never looked back.
You are worth so much more than this! Go find someone who appreciates how awesome you are! 💪🏼

@TangerineGreen good for you!

Where is your ex now?

I wasted 8 years with somebody like this although he was 10 years older than me. We met when I was 24 and so the matter of marriage and children wasn't as pressing to begin with. He kept saying that we would have children "in time" but I could never pin him down to anything solid. He eventually did propose after about 6 years but then I couldn't get him to agree to a wedding date. And so it continued...

I eventually built up the courage to leave him aged 32. By that time the relationship had pretty much fizzled out anyway. He, surprisingly, didn't see it coming and begged me to stay but by that stage I had had enough. Still one of the hardest things I've ever had to do though.

I would say please don't waste any more of your time. After 6 years together he would know if he wanted to marry you or not. I would suggest an ultimatum now of a timeframe for when you expect marriage. If it doesn't happen, then please stick to your guns, leave him and move on.

Sorry OP, I think he only wanted your deposit for the house you love in. I hope he doesn't co-own it with you?

Wasting another day of your life with him is choosing to throw away your fertility and chance to have kids on a man who will then turn round, find a younger woman and be married and have kids in months

This is very valid given the number of times we see women stick it out, giving up their fertile years in the hope it'll work, only to see their partners decamp with a younger woman who they instantly marry and have DCs with

Sometimes it's better to cut your losses than to chase a mirage

No he clearly doesn't want to marry you or he would have by now.

It is very easy to kick the can down the road. We never resolved our discussions about kids and time passes very quickly.

Agree with everyone else.

You're beign taken for a mug and he's wasting your fertile years.

He's as happy as a pig in shit - he has the house, the sex on tap, the person who'll pick up the rope at home if he drops it - no coming back to a dark flat after work to dig something out of the freezer for him! Oh no!

He doesn't want marriage or kids, though. Plenty of time for that... because he HAS time, and he doesn't love or care for you enough, or is enough of a grown-up, to want to start that stage with you earlier, because he doesn't have to. So much so that he'll happily waste your time and see you without kids. Doesn't matter! He can dump you and find a 28 year old in five years' time!

Seriously, I've seen this more than once. Ultimatum time - marriage this summer and ttc, or the house goes up for sale. It's that blunt. This is the rest of your life you're playing with. I have two friends who wrecked their lives like this - one has no children, one has one child (and a man she settled with, nice though he is - I don't expect that they'll stay together forever) instead of the big family she wanted.

Don't go thinking 'but I'm 32, I've got time. Yes you do, but you DON'T have time to test him, dump him, date afresh and give yourself a big enough window to build a proper new relationship that you can be sure of before you have children. That's what friend 2 did - she finally dumped him at 37, took a year to meet her DH, bit of a whirlwind and she has her baby at nearly 40. Couldn't have another -too late.

If you're afraid to give him an ultimatum after all this time and a house, you should be dumping him anyway as he is really NOT on the same page as you and you know it.

Hey Stephen, he’s happily married now with DC of his own... it wasn’t me.. it’s wasn’t him really... we just weren’t right together in his eyes so it never moved forwards. But now we’re both much better off

I think you’ve done the right thing not having children before marriage. I agree it is quite refreshing to read (I think the same and I always get called old fashioned but it’s so important).

I’d have a serious discussion, if he says no then leave. Even if you love him, you will love your future children far more and you’re not at a stage of your life where you want to risk your future on him.

Good luck!

“You have been together six years, live together a few years what else does he need to know about you to either commit or leave you to find someone who will marry you? Seriously what more does he need to know? He is drifting along because it is convenient for him right now, but it's not convenient for you anymore so grab what you want from life. Move on OP he will either chase you or not, then you will know.”

This with bells on.

He’s being very selfish. He has oodles of time. You don’t have time to faff around. You need to take the initiative. This is NOT a discussion - those haven’t worked. Lay it on the line. Say that you need proper commitment and you can’t waste any more time waiting for it from him so you need to move on.

This may galvanise him into action but you don’t want an ambivalent husband or father of your children. So if he does start trying to persuade you to stay, you should make clear that you need to be married and TTC by no later than this summer, or you’re done. And stick to it.

Don’t be one of those women who waits too long and loses her chance to have children only to have her partner go off with a younger woman and start a family with her.

Actually OP coming back to read this again, in your shoes I would get legal and financial advice about you keeping the house before you speak with him, get yourself one step ahead and then if he dithers at the mention of marriage you have everything lined up to proceed with removing him from your life straight away. No prolonged living together while separating, no him trying to get around you, all nice and calm and straightforward so you can grieve and move on.

@YoniAndGuy

Agree with everyone else.

You're beign taken for a mug and he's wasting your fertile years.

He's as happy as a pig in shit - he has the house, the sex on tap, the person who'll pick up the rope at home if he drops it - no coming back to a dark flat after work to dig something out of the freezer for him! Oh no!

He doesn't want marriage or kids, though. Plenty of time for that... because he HAS time, and he doesn't love or care for you enough, or is enough of a grown-up, to want to start that stage with you earlier, because he doesn't have to. So much so that he'll happily waste your time and see you without kids. Doesn't matter! He can dump you and find a 28 year old in five years' time!

Seriously, I've seen this more than once. Ultimatum time - marriage this summer and ttc, or the house goes up for sale. It's that blunt. This is the rest of your life you're playing with. I have two friends who wrecked their lives like this - one has no children, one has one child (and a man she settled with, nice though he is - I don't expect that they'll stay together forever) instead of the big family she wanted.

Don't go thinking 'but I'm 32, I've got time. Yes you do, but you DON'T have time to test him, dump him, date afresh and give yourself a big enough window to build a proper new relationship that you can be sure of before you have children. That's what friend 2 did - she finally dumped him at 37, took a year to meet her DH, bit of a whirlwind and she has her baby at nearly 40. Couldn't have another -too late.

If you're afraid to give him an ultimatum after all this time and a house, you should be dumping him anyway as he is really NOT on the same page as you and you know it.

I'm in my 50s and have also seen this happen more times than I can count on two hands. You do not have time to waste at 34.

This man does not want marriage and kids with you.

I was in a relationship like this in my 20s and I dumped him at 30 because I knew I wanted to try for more than 1 child and didn't have time to waste.

@Dontbeme

Actually OP coming back to read this again, in your shoes I would get legal and financial advice about you keeping the house before you speak with him, get yourself one step ahead and then if he dithers at the mention of marriage you have everything lined up to proceed with removing him from your life straight away. No prolonged living together while separating, no him trying to get around you, all nice and calm and straightforward so you can grieve and move on.

Absolutely!

Don't fall for future faking, either, with one of those never-ending engagements.

When someone wants to get married they don't waste time playing games.

Stop giving this man all your power and agency. That's not love, that's co-dependency.

Time to end it and ask him to leave. He is wasting your fertile years. He needs to be gone yesterday.

Do not let him talk you round with empty promises. Always looks at what they do, not what they say.

Don't fall for future faking, either, with one of those never-ending engagements.

Oh yes and this!

'Yes sure, we'll get engaged, let's go look for rings, once lockdown is over I want to propose and do it properly.'

'Fine, but I also want to look at venues this weekend/book our civil ceremony, because we will be getting married this June whether lockdown is over or whether we've chosen a ring or not.'

:)

Oh OP please don’t have regrets. What’s more important to you? Him or having children and getting married?
This happened to my beautiful friend. He was 5 years younger. It never was the right time, never enough money etc etc. She waited until she was 37 to give him an ultimatum and he decided he wasn’t ready for children and they split. He met a 27 year old and within a year they were engaged and had a baby on the way. It destroyed her. The baby arrived, then number 2 in quick succession and now number 3 is on the way. My poor friend has been struggling for the past 2 years to conceive with her new DP and is now trying IVF as a last resort. She’s now nearly 42. Don’t waste such important years if it’s important to you.

@Beforethetakingoftoastandtea

Time to end it and ask him to leave. He is wasting your fertile years. He needs to be gone yesterday.

Do not let him talk you round with empty promises. Always looks at what they do, not what they say.

Yep!

Oh, yes, Yoni, the 'I want to propose properly!' He'd have done so already had he really wanted to.

He is only 28. Marriage and babies are the last thing on his mind, OP

@katy1213

You've wasted enough time on this man. And well done for having the sense not to start a family with someone who's dragging his heels. Do remember that if you sell your home, you don't just take back your deposit; it's the equity proportionally to what you put in at the start.

As above, He is completely wasting your time.

He hasn't a notion of being the first to get married and have children.

Please don't waste anymore time on a guy who is using you.

Move on asap.

He doesn't deserve you.

Goodness, there needs to be a 'sticky' notice on this forum with key bits of advice for people living with men unmarried while the men waste the women's lives and fertile years. There's so many of these threads.

It's crazy and sad how many women value themselves so lowly and continue letting men take all the benefits of marriage with no legal commitment. The bottom line for any woman in this situation is you need to leave and stop being treated like a mug no matter how much you "love" him. You're worth so much more!

@KittyKattyKate

He is only 28. Marriage and babies are the last thing on his mind, OP

He's 31. The OP is 34.

@KittyKattyKate

He is only 28. Marriage and babies are the last thing on his mind, OP

He's 28, not 18. Many men are married and have/are starting families by this age if they have a genuine desire for a family and have met the woman they want to marry. This recent societal change that women should have very low expectations of grown up men is breeding entitled men who don't have the self-sacrifice, maturity and responsibility that's needed to be truly loving husbands and dads.

A grown ass man pulling his finger out and committing to someone he's already been with for several years, and having the kids he apparently wants, is not a radical concept at age 28. At the very least, he should have had the decency long ago to break up with her and stop selfishly wasting her precious time if he's a commitmentphobe or doesn't see a long term future with her.

Men like the OP's boyfriend actually make me so angry. I've seen it in real life too many times. The behaviour is selfish and wicked.

Everyone knows a woman has a limited fertile window and she can't have babies forever. Plus these men know it's a dead end but exclusive relationship which means the woman automatically misses out on looking for someone who actually loves her and wants kids with her. OP you could have missed out on the real love of your life who wanted the same things as you during the period you've wasted with this man.

These men know your time is running out and that they have secret intentions not commit to you or have kids with you, yet just string you along to keep a convenient sexual, maid and companionship service for themselves. It's actually evil and the sort of thing an enemy would do, rather than someone who supposedly loves you.

Look I am 38 & childfree - don't want them.

But this guy is being so selfish & wasting your years of motherhood

If motherhood & marriage is what you want I would end things with this guy TODAY. Not one more day wasted on him

You're 34 not 24. What his friends do with their GFs is irrelevant - many more women are deciding not to have children these days, so comparing how you feel to someone in their 20s is pointless. You're at a different life stage.

If you want kids you need to let this guy guy & stop playing wifey to him because it makes you feel good on the surface playing this role but in reality you're going to feel short changed, bitter & resentful if you get to your 40s & he is still dragging his feet, or worse you are unable to conceive & have lost the opportunity.

Also if you break up with him he MAY decide that he has been selfish & come back to you. Or he may not. But either way you have to show you're serious about what you want out of life & you're doing this with or without him.

6 years - time to shit or get off the pot mate.