Feeling trapped in an unhappy relationship

[happyeverafter213]

Would appreciate some opinions on this please.

DP and I have been together for 7 years we have twin boys who are about to be 5. Our relationship has been rocky from the start due to DP family, SIL didn't want us to be together and over bearing MIL. Those problems have now settled but the biggest problem we have now is DP doesn't show any empathy! For example if I am upset and try to talk about it ( if it's something he's done that has upset me) he will either leave the house, this could be for hours and hours with the last time being over 8 hours before returning or he will ignore me completely and go about his day as if I'm not there. For example yesterday we were bickering during a board game, DP raised his voice at me over something silly, I said if he continued I wouldn't play and longer, he continued to raise his voice so I stopped playing. Later on in the day he told me that had I of just not argued with him we would have had a lovely day and I had ruined everything, I got upset by this because it made me feel invalidated and as if I need to just put up with him speaking to me in a way I'm not comfortable with. I said I no longer wanted to speak with him on the issue because I was upset, he stormed off stating fine do not speak to me this was around 7pm, he then ignored me all evening playing games on his phone and Xbox late into the night and slept on the sofa.
In the morning he again refused to speak to me so I sent him a txt message stating I was feeling pretty hopeless and ignored and generally unhappy and suggested perhaps some time apart would do us good. he stated if I wanted to leave I was free to and he's not leaving.

I can't leave the house, I have no where to go and he knows this, he could go to his mothers but is refusing, I am feeling completely trapped and at a loss of what to do. I don't want this atmosphere around our children but feel as if I have no options, I've cried all day in our bedroom alone. I'm not sure where to go from here.

Sorry it's so long and thank you in advance for any replies.

Who owns the house or is it rented?

We jointly own the house.

standard advice - solicitor and Woman's Aid. Yes you can leave.

@HeavenlyEyes this is not a domestic violence situation I simply would like some space from him.

He’s stonewalling you, look it up. By giving you the silent treatment he’s trying to condition you into not challenging him. It’s a form of abuse.

@WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName just looked it up and you're right it does sound like he is doing that. He's always dealt with confrontation this way and it's never bothered me too much before but I no longer see friends or family so I just feel completely isolated when even he won't speak to me

Can you rent somewhere and then force a house sale through the courts?

There are charities available to help - like shelter for advice

See a solicitor

Don’t tell him until you have all the paperwork you need - as he may hide it

Just because it’s not physical violence doesn’t mean it’s not abuse.

Dangling “if only you hadn’t” in front of you is classic abuser tactic.

I wouldn't be able to even rent somewhere on my sole income, DP is the high earner. If I was to leave I would be causing lots of stress to DC and a massive change in lifestyle.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing I know this isn't right and I've even told him that he is in charge of how he acts and I don't make him do anything but he has a very childish attitude and will absolve himself of any responsibility if possible. Although this is very frustrating, I genuinely don't believe he means this to be abusive or manipulative in anyway, I think it is a maturity issue.

blech. i had an ex that was like this. over time i stopped having any empathy or interest in him as i started to resent him.

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@sunnyzweibrucken 😞 I don't want that to happen I really do love him and want this to work out. I'm going to give him an ultimatum this evening

My chap is bad at empathy and stuff like confrontation etc but we both think he quite obviously has ASD (it doesn’t make it easier but it makes it less personal).

Regardless of why he is the ways he is his treatment of you is abusive in nature. This relationship should therefore be over.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this really the role model of a relationship you want to show them?.

An ultimatum can only be issued one time only and if you are not fully prepared to follow it through then you should not issue one.

This is also not a maturity issue on his part. He does this to you because he can and it works for him, he feels entitled to act like he does.

I really do love him

But what is there to love?

@AttilaTheMeerkat I agree about the ultimatum, this will only be issued once and I'm fully aware of what needs to happen if not. I have thought about entitlement in this tbh and part of me agrees it could be this. As I've said previously I don't think this behaviour is done with intent to manipulate, I do think it is mostly a coping mechanism for him to deal with emotion. It isn't a healthy way to deal with it and he is aware of that but having said that it does need to change

@BillMasheen
I think that's a bit harsh, he has flaws yes but don't we all. This is a one sided post on Mumsnet, he has lots of things to live but this clearly does need to change

@happyeverafter213

I wouldn't be able to even rent somewhere on my sole income, DP is the high earner. If I was to leave I would be causing lots of stress to DC and a massive change in lifestyle.

Living with abuse is long term continuous stress. Adjusting to a new home is short term temporary stress at most.

Change in lifestyle is your worry for yourself. The children will be fine. Really both those things are your own concerns rather than the children's.

Check entitledto and speak to Women's Aid.

@AttilaTheMeerkat
This does sometimes enter my mind because he has some social issues also but not to a really bad extent

@user1654236589623652
Our children are not under any stress here DP is a fantastic Father and we're both very good at keeping things peaceful and content around them. I do not feel this is a situation to go as far as to move out and get additional support but thank you for your comment

Peaceful when he's raising his voice at you during board games?

Not stressful when their mother is crying alone in her bedroom for hours?

Peaceful when their father disappears without explanation for 8 hours?

Not stressful when their mother is being ignored for prolonged periods of time by their father?

Ok. Op, tell yourself lies all you like, but you do realise you stated in your op you don't want this atmosphere around your children, right? Those were your words. So you know full well this is a stressful environment even if it makes you feel shit having other people recognise it too.

DP raised his voice at me over something silly

he continued to raise his voice so I stopped playing

if it's something he's done that has upset me

What do these original actions - before he reacts to you challenging his poor behaviour - have to do with an inability to cope with emotions?

You're saying when he's a dick about you being upset that's about not coping with emotions. Well what was it about when he originally upset you - you weren't upset at that point?

You excuse him by saying he has a "childish attitude" and you've told him he is responsible for his own actions, yet you tell us that he's too immature to be responsible for his actions towards you and excuse him by saying he doesn't know what he's doing.

He's an adult. Of course he knows what he's doing when he chooses to raise his voice with you or punishes you for asserting yourself when he upsets you. Of course he knows how much his behaviour upsets you after all these years.

Not caring how much it hurts you isn't the same as not knowing or being unable to control himself.

We all have flaws. We don't all engage in patterns of abusive behaviour.

I agree with PPs. This isn't normal behaviour in any relationship- friend, family, or loving partner.

He's behaving like a spoilt brat.

You think your children are not under stress. You are in an abusive situation as you are now seeing. That abuse will subconsciously leak out of you. It is now getting bad to the point you have to speak on MN about it. He is not a fantastic father if he is abusing their mother with silent treatments that clearly hurt you to the core. You mental health is now suffering. Heed carefully what others have said above.