Feeling trapped in an unhappy relationship

[happyeverafter213]

Would appreciate some opinions on this please.

DP and I have been together for 7 years we have twin boys who are about to be 5. Our relationship has been rocky from the start due to DP family, SIL didn't want us to be together and over bearing MIL. Those problems have now settled but the biggest problem we have now is DP doesn't show any empathy! For example if I am upset and try to talk about it ( if it's something he's done that has upset me) he will either leave the house, this could be for hours and hours with the last time being over 8 hours before returning or he will ignore me completely and go about his day as if I'm not there. For example yesterday we were bickering during a board game, DP raised his voice at me over something silly, I said if he continued I wouldn't play and longer, he continued to raise his voice so I stopped playing. Later on in the day he told me that had I of just not argued with him we would have had a lovely day and I had ruined everything, I got upset by this because it made me feel invalidated and as if I need to just put up with him speaking to me in a way I'm not comfortable with. I said I no longer wanted to speak with him on the issue because I was upset, he stormed off stating fine do not speak to me this was around 7pm, he then ignored me all evening playing games on his phone and Xbox late into the night and slept on the sofa.
In the morning he again refused to speak to me so I sent him a txt message stating I was feeling pretty hopeless and ignored and generally unhappy and suggested perhaps some time apart would do us good. he stated if I wanted to leave I was free to and he's not leaving.

I can't leave the house, I have no where to go and he knows this, he could go to his mothers but is refusing, I am feeling completely trapped and at a loss of what to do. I don't want this atmosphere around our children but feel as if I have no options, I've cried all day in our bedroom alone. I'm not sure where to go from here.

Sorry it's so long and thank you in advance for any replies.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. He is not a good father to these children if he treats you as their mother like this.

You can't make him change unfortunately. If he's always acted this way, why would he suddenly start acting differently now. He doesn't see any problem with it.

@user1654236589623652
I did say that and ofcourse there will be an occasional atmosphere and ofcourse in an ideal world there would be none of that but real life isn't happy 24/7 sometimes you have to work through difficult emotions and I don't really think it's healthy to hide all emotions from children. We do provide a stable and nurturing environment for our children they are not living through domestic abuse, yes he raised his voice but that doesn't make him a monster! Your interpretation of a raised voice and my interpretation of a raised voice could be very different. I have no intention of leaving him as I say because this is not an issue that I think warrants that at this stage however it definitely does warrant an adult conversation and some change on his part

OP read Too good to leave too bad to stay it was a game changer for me and solidified that I was doing the right thing in leaving. I had a sulker too and it’s a form of punishment. I bet he never takes the kids with him does he when he goes?

Life is too short. You don’t have to leave straight away, get your finances sorted, look at what you would in benefits, what he would owe you in CS, what you would get out of the house. I waited far too long to leave and it actually wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be after I’d done it. The kids have been totally fine.

Life is too short to put up with this

Your not ready to leave yet which is perfectly fine - but you will be back. Start raising your financial game.

Thought some might find it interesting to see his reply, I'm definitely one for trying to show both sides. The second message from DP is in response to some of your messages. Thank you everyone for your comments, I'm not sure I really put it in the right way as everyone seems to think I should leave and that I'm in a terrible relationship, luckily that isn't the case, I think it's hard to get a full picture over a single online post but thank you for the support anyway.

Reply from DP: Ok, I dont mean to be abusing you and nor do I want to do that or realise that that's what it was. I understand that I've been an asshat and that I continue to do so and i know that it's my problem that i have to work through. I respect what your saying and i think that it's fair. I should have come up to speak to you last night and that was unfair if me. I didnt really want to spend it for you to spend valentine's alone. I don't really like that you've put it online but that's your prerogative and at least its anonymous. I will read through it now as I havent had a chance to yet. I love you and I'm sorry that I hurt you. It's the furthest thing from what I want to do and I dont do things to intentionally hurt you, I just dont think about it when I'm annoyed or angry xxx

I think to say I raised my voice to you is a bit of an overstatement, they all think I'm shouting at you when I wasnt Would also like to say that I'm not saying that the way I spoke to you wasnt wrong. I cant excuse any of the rest of my behaviour though but know that I'm not consciously thinking of trying to hurt you by doing any of the things I do. My silence is out of anger at you for whatever arguement we had but Im not consciously thinking of how to hurt you. But I do know I need to change that and to start to think about you and how your feeling during these times. I'm sorry xxx

He is telling you by word and deed who he is. If he wants to change he can do so without you in his day to day life. Such men never apologise nor even accept any responsibility for their actions. I would not hang around for him to have any proper epiphany here, that from him was really not it. There is also nothing from him as to how he is going to address his myriad of issues, this tells me he will not and will indeed continue to blame you for his actions.

He has a problem with anger, your anger, when you rightfully call him out on his unreasonable behaviour.

Remember that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. He’s finished your relationship off here by being abusive towards you, that is all on him and you never drove him to acting like this with you.

If the rest of your relationship is good would he consider counselling?

Why are you isolated from your family and friends, that sounds worrying.

Sorry, the second bit was something I read in a different thread.

Maybe reread your OP, the title of which is "feeling trapped in an unhappy relationship."

You seem to be under the impression that a certain amount of the behaviour outlined in your OP is to be expected from a relationship. It isn't.

Would you/he consider couples counselling?

It sounds like there's a bit communication issue here. You articulate yourself well but he gets defensive and pushes the discussion to the extreme rather than addresses it rationally.

Perhaps he's learned it from someone as a child and genuinely hasn't got the skills to talk through issues like this.

Whatever the reason, you can't go on like this. So he either engages in support, or you make a plan to leave. It doesnt have to be immediately but start looking for better paid work. Start saving more. So that if he doesn't improve and your relationship becomes unsalvageable, you are then in a better position.

But you shouldnt ever have to move out and rent. If you both own the house then I'd insist on staying until it's sold.

[quote happyeverafter213]@user1654236589623652
Our children are not under any stress here DP is a fantastic Father and we're both very good at keeping things peaceful and content around them. I do not feel this is a situation to go as far as to move out and get additional support but thank you for your comment [/quote]
You're kidding yourself.

You are concerned enough to post here - I really hope you can understand the care and support that underpins all the replies tonyou, for you and your children.

Please, take care.

You made a big mistake showing your partner this thread.

You'll stay a couple more years, then you'll be back here.

Couples counselling is NEVER recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Abuse is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control. In this relationship he has most of it.

Sorry you're upset op, the lockdown can cause more upset as ppl are thrown together and it can magnify everything x 100..and feelings can run high. Try couples counselling, or counselling for yourself to learn healthy boundaries to put in place, it isn't acceptable for your partner to withdraw from you emotionally but perhaps he doesn't know/ understand how to deal with the situation so he just removes himself from it. Talk through and explain how much this hurts you. You obviously love him and I don't think you need women's aid and leaving him..just healthy boundaries. Good luck.xx

This is not a good or healthy relationship. You say he has difficult relatives? He’s probably picked up his bad habits from them. Very immature and childish behaviour. He hasn’t learnt how to have a decent relationship. It’s going to take a lot of therapy (him on his own) to learn how not to do the things he does. It’s ok saying he’s a good dad but he treats you like shit when you have an argument. That’s not going to magically change. You need to start to establish your independence from him. Separate finances, friendships he has no involvement with...you’re with an abuser. It’s that simple. Sorry. It’s likely to get worse. You’d be best off getting out now before you’re trapped more and your kids see you being spoken to like shit and start copying it

That was a non-apology apology

Blaming you for his behaviour is a classic sign of abuse. If only you hadn't got upset with him shouting at you, then he wouldn't have had to ignore you for hours and hours like a child! It's a form of manipulation, designed to stop you from doing the unwanted behaviour next time because you cant bear more silent treatment.

What is the dynamic like between his parents? People sub consciously pick up most of their relationship behaviours from them. If this is something that they did then he will have grown up with this and it will be hard to unpick, I am talking a lot of work in therapy to try and start talking about his emotions etc.

And on the other hand if you stay, then your children will eventually pick this up and either end up with partners like this or treat their partners like this. Even if you think they don't notice now and it has no impact on them...they will notice and the impact will only show up when they have unhappy relationships as adults.

Yes no body is perfect and we all get cross with our partners for silly reasons but most people manage to be imperfect without ignoring their partner for hours at a time instead of working through problems like a responsible grown up, and most people manage to apologise when they have snapped at their partner, not turning it around and saying it's their partners fault.

I don't think it matters what his texts say to he honest. This isnt a one off, it's a pattern of behaviour, and actually is going to be difficult for him to break. Just saying sorry wont change that. How is he going to change and what is he going to do next time, what can he put in place to make sure he takes a few minutes to calm down or goes for a quick walk or something but then talks to you to sort it out, without blaming and without shouting or insulting. Does he actually know how to argue (that sounds silly but a lot of people don't- they get too angry and say hurtful things or throw insults and exaggerated statements around etc) and how is he going to work on this? You cant just break a lifelong behaviour by saying you want to, you have to actually do something about it

Once again OP....re read your title “Feeling trapped in an unhappy relationship”....you have continued to downplay your life and situation. As others have said, you will be back as abusers don’t radically change their patterns. Be prepared to be shut down, ignored and given the silent treatment until you choose to leave.

So you’re not actually trapped in an unhappy marriage, is that what you’re telling us?

@Wiredforsound No! I certainly felt like this yesterday while I was in the throes of being upset and hurt but as a pp has said in the current circumstances everything can be magnified by 100!

As I've said a few times I do not believe my partner displays this behaviour to be abusive or manipulative. It is simply he does not know what to say or do so does nothing. Obviously this is not right and needs to be rectified however this doesn't make him abusive. An abusive partner is intentional in their quest to get power over you and as a pp has stated due to our current circumstances with him being higher earner ect it would be very easy for him to exert power over me but he doesn't.

I'm finding some of these posts difficult to read not because I'm being told something I don't want to hear but because even though I am telling you although his behaviour could be perceived in that way, it's not the case in this instance. Some of you have gone out of your way to tell me I'm wrong and he definitely is an abuser and I will be back!

A post on Mumsnet is not enough for people to make an accurate depiction of someone's life and that of their partner and telling people "they will be back " and "leave, leave, leave" in a situation that doesn't warrant could be incredibly dangerous. If I was to leave I would be heartbroken, he would be heart broken and our children would be heart broken. This is not a situation that needs that, it needs a conversation which has been had and I feel much better. Relationships aren't black and white, their isn't one size fits all and you can't just throw someone away for an emotional flaw, of course their are times when someone is being deliberately manipulative but this isn't the case.

Why are you working so hard to convince us you're right and we're wrong? Why do you care so much?

@happyeverafter213

I think you should ask Mumsnet to delete this thread. You're not hearing what you want to hear, and you won't.

@StephenBelafonte why do I care? What a silly question, this is my life! Of course I know more than you do, I'm not proving myself right I'm having a conversation.

It doesn't need to be deleted, it is what it is, you can't give your opinion on something and then say oh your not listening so you obviously are wrong 😑