Feeling trapped in an unhappy relationship

[happyeverafter213]

Would appreciate some opinions on this please.

DP and I have been together for 7 years we have twin boys who are about to be 5. Our relationship has been rocky from the start due to DP family, SIL didn't want us to be together and over bearing MIL. Those problems have now settled but the biggest problem we have now is DP doesn't show any empathy! For example if I am upset and try to talk about it ( if it's something he's done that has upset me) he will either leave the house, this could be for hours and hours with the last time being over 8 hours before returning or he will ignore me completely and go about his day as if I'm not there. For example yesterday we were bickering during a board game, DP raised his voice at me over something silly, I said if he continued I wouldn't play and longer, he continued to raise his voice so I stopped playing. Later on in the day he told me that had I of just not argued with him we would have had a lovely day and I had ruined everything, I got upset by this because it made me feel invalidated and as if I need to just put up with him speaking to me in a way I'm not comfortable with. I said I no longer wanted to speak with him on the issue because I was upset, he stormed off stating fine do not speak to me this was around 7pm, he then ignored me all evening playing games on his phone and Xbox late into the night and slept on the sofa.
In the morning he again refused to speak to me so I sent him a txt message stating I was feeling pretty hopeless and ignored and generally unhappy and suggested perhaps some time apart would do us good. he stated if I wanted to leave I was free to and he's not leaving.

I can't leave the house, I have no where to go and he knows this, he could go to his mothers but is refusing, I am feeling completely trapped and at a loss of what to do. I don't want this atmosphere around our children but feel as if I have no options, I've cried all day in our bedroom alone. I'm not sure where to go from here.

Sorry it's so long and thank you in advance for any replies.

No I mean why do you care so much that we believe you?

@StephenBelafonte this is a conversation I'm not desperately trying to make you believe me, I'm responding to comments. How else do you think this works?

Just out of interest when was the last time your partner brought you a bunch of flowers?

@StephenBelafonte off the top of my head it would of been Mother's Day 2020. Honestly do not see how this is relevant and if you're about to say something ridiculous like he doesn't love you because he hasn't given you flowers in the last week, please keep it to yourself.

@happyeverafter213, I wish you all the best with the ultimatums you will give and your future what ever you do. Re read your post as many times as you can and take away something from it, even if it is knowledge that you are suffering abuse even if it is not physical. This type of abuse seeps into your whole being over time and can be insidious to you and your precious children. Good luck and hope you have learned something from speaking about your relationship.

@litterbird honestly the thing that I've learnt the most is certain people on Mumsnet our overbearing and condescending. This is not an abusive situation as I've stated many times. I have no idea what makes people so righteous that they can be so adamant they're right and I'm just this silly woman overcome by abuse. Yes I am aware of my original post and as I've already stated it was written in a low time and in this current situation it is magnifying a lot of feelings. I honestly think you should take away the fact that not all cases are the same and their could be genuine reasons other than abuse for a person not dealing well with emotions. All the best!

I understand op exactly where you are coming from. Have noticed on here the slightest problem or upset you have with a husband/bf/partner it's always abuse and you must leave. Even if it is a trivial argument. I agree op with you, abuse is when someone deliberately sets out to hurt you physically/emotionally. Everyone argues and can get upset but that's different from constantly living in fear etc

@Saltedhero exactly, thank you for adding in some sense to this. I understand the initial comments but after repeatedly stating that this is not an abusive situation ect, to try and convince someone they're in an abusive relationship is bizarre to me. I guess cancel culture is a big problem everywhere at the moment.

[quote happyeverafter213]@Saltedhero exactly, thank you for adding in some sense to this. I understand the initial comments but after repeatedly stating that this is not an abusive situation ect, to try and convince someone they're in an abusive relationship is bizarre to me. I guess cancel culture is a big problem everywhere at the moment.[/quote]

Your partner leaves the house for over 8 hours when you are upset and want to talk about how you feel. Or he ignores you and pretends you're not even there. You were crying all day in your bedroom alone.

If you don't want to admit that this is abusive that's your choice.

I put up with exactly the things you describe for two years with an ex. I cringe that I did for so long. Denial is powerful. These behaviours are not normal in a relationship.

His anger can last 8 hours??? Bloody hell that's some going. I don't always manage my anger well but I'd never ever stay away for that length of time. He's slept on the sofa and still I hired you the next day? Honestly OP that is him PUNISHING you, a conscious active decision he took knowing it would hurt you.

Your DH sounds like mine. I'm terrible though because I can't ignore it and I pretty much beg him to empathise with me. I make myself cringe.

It's an awful awful feeling and as much as I agree with you that a lot of mumsnet users are very quick to throw 'abuse' around - I think people have a point.

A lack of empathy is pretty big and can run quite deep. Where does it stop? I don't want to jump on the bandwagon here, but I wanted to just reply because my husband is the same and that feeling of loneliness is quite painful and I get that. I'm not sure what the rest of your relationship looks like, but for me it becomes a cycle. The pain he causes from his lack of empathy just intensifies everything. The feelings are layered. You have the initial hurt of whatever behaviour has started it off and then you have the fact that they really do not care how they effect you. The anger that can follow when you dare to have feelings, is just isolating.

As much as it may not be 'intentional' abuse - you have to ask yourself whether your husband is able to empathise with anybody at all. Either way, it's concerning. If he has empathy for everybody else, but not you - then it is possible that his actions are intentional and like others say, his behaviour is a way of controlling what is happening. Or, does he not have the ability to empathise in any situation, and if that's the case then can you be with somebody like that.

I'm in a position where I'm still fighting for my marriage, because when everything is easy and good I'm reminded of why I married him. I want that forever and I want my family to stay together. However, when things are bad - which in my house can come from the tiniest indication that I have a problem with something he has said or done - the pain feels huge and like I won't ever escape this cycle of craving that genuine connection and being brushed off. I know deep down, that I can't continue with my marriage unless my husband accessed some kind of therapy to deal with his issues and i know that won't ever happen - because if he hasn't changed yet, he never will. He isn't even able to see what needs to change.

I think it's important to hear other people's viewpoints. I know myself, that when you're at the point of posting on mumsnet, you're feeling a bit hopeless.

Just remember that a relationship should be mutually beneficial and for me, empathy is very very important.

Agree teloiv communication is often lacked and can need therapy/ counselling to help with this..and he needs to recognize he needs to change his ways!

You husband is a childish dickhead. Ignoring you while he spends his time shooting baddies in a computer game.

I notice it was Valentines day he ignored you as well, just to make it that extra punishing and hurtful for you.

People in happy relationships would not even DREAM of typing out a MN post titled "feeling trapped in an unhappy relationship"

Dont respond on here, but just ask yourself if someone could wave a magic wand and give you the house to yourself, with financial support from him, and him seeing the kids on say a 70/30 split - would you be happier, or less happy? Its often the fear of how hard it is to reach that point that puts people off leaving, but when they finally emerge the other side, the vast majority are 100000x happier.

Good luck with whatever you do.

It doesn't sound like any reason to break up to me. In fact, I think the mature response would be to forgive and forget and try to do better in the future. But of course you can't post on MN without some ardent LTB fans.

That's my opinion after reading his response.

[quote happyeverafter213]@Wiredforsound No! I certainly felt like this yesterday while I was in the throes of being upset and hurt but as a pp has said in the current circumstances everything can be magnified by 100!

As I've said a few times I do not believe my partner displays this behaviour to be abusive or manipulative. It is simply he does not know what to say or do so does nothing. Obviously this is not right and needs to be rectified however this doesn't make him abusive. An abusive partner is intentional in their quest to get power over you and as a pp has stated due to our current circumstances with him being higher earner ect it would be very easy for him to exert power over me but he doesn't.

I'm finding some of these posts difficult to read not because I'm being told something I don't want to hear but because even though I am telling you although his behaviour could be perceived in that way, it's not the case in this instance. Some of you have gone out of your way to tell me I'm wrong and he definitely is an abuser and I will be back!

A post on Mumsnet is not enough for people to make an accurate depiction of someone's life and that of their partner and telling people "they will be back " and "leave, leave, leave" in a situation that doesn't warrant could be incredibly dangerous. If I was to leave I would be heartbroken, he would be heart broken and our children would be heart broken. This is not a situation that needs that, it needs a conversation which has been had and I feel much better. Relationships aren't black and white, their isn't one size fits all and you can't just throw someone away for an emotional flaw, of course their are times when someone is being deliberately manipulative but this isn't the case.
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OP what did you expect by posting here? Posters here are not professionals, many don't even have people skills or enough knowledge to give proper advice.
In majority of cases, except maybe extreme situations it's impossible to get any real picture based on one sided post.

I've seen stories on here that made me want to shout "leave!" but in your case it would be extremely irresponsible as there is not enough information and divorce has its own complications and negative effects on kids, especially for some, could be for you. We don't know.

The most important question is whether you both want to work on relationship and does he accepts he made a mistake and feels regretful. If the answer is yes and you both think it's workable them the best way to move forward is couples therapy.
You might feel better now but unless you address the problem and work to change it it will come back. Especially if he's responses are automatic (which seems like its the case under stress) he needs strategies to stop it from happening again.

It is abusive as we understand manipulative abuse these days. However, this is learned behaviour, from his childhood. The problem is how to get him to see this is ineffective and damaging behaviour?

I would say you first need to take your time to think about your future, how much you are willing to try and for how long? Then put together a plan. In the meantime you could learn how to change your communication techniques. Not saying you are doing anything wrong, but when trying to break patterns it's the first place to start and can have surprising results. For example:

"...... yesterday we were bickering during a board game, DP raised his voice at me over something silly, I said if he continued I wouldn't play and longer, he continued to raise his voice so I stopped playing."

I don't know about the bickering as there are no details here. But what you said was a little parental in feel. Giving him an ultimatum (like a kid) that he clearly felt he had to challenge.

Firstly I would examine the bickering behaviour - do you do that a lot? Is it necessary? can you remove your part in it?

Then a better response might of been to look at him gently and without emotion say "please do not talk to me in a raised voice, it makes me feel ....insert word here "afraid", unloved" 'stupid" etc.

If he continues. Just get up and do something else. Don't slam, don't storm out, don't gesture. Just remove yourself.

Do some research into this or look into counselling. TBH once you change your responses and behaviour you may well see how awful his really is. I know you do now - but sometimes engaging on an emotional level with the other can stop you seeing/feeling what is really going on.... and this might be that you are in an untenable relationship with someone who can't change.

So you've gone from a title with feeling trapped in an unhappy relationship to really denying that there is any issue and you showed your partner the thread and let him post under your name? Or did you copy and paste that?

You both have similar writing styles.

Well, all’s well that ends well OP! Now you can have a jolly good laugh at how silly you were to even THINK you were trapped in an unhappy relationship! Are you just going to forget about that ultimatum now?

My exh used to stonewall me. Leave the house after arguments. Ignore me for weeks at a time. Say that he "didn't know what to say". I thought he was on the spectrum for a while, I thought he struggled to talk to me because he had a difficult childhood. I gave him space, I accommodated his "grumpiness." I got used to being ignored and belittled.

Hell, he even would get angry over a simple boardgame, too.

He was fine with the DC when they were little and pliable and obedient, but as they became surly teens he got mean.

When he started "not knowing what to say" with he DC I started realising... This isn't right. When he was perfectly pleasant and charming with everyone else apart from his own family... That didn't seem reasonable.

When his anger got bigger and louder and scarier when I started to refuse to accept his tantrums, especially when directed towards the DC....

When my teen DD told me, tears in her eyes, that she doesn't understand why her father thinks she's a stupid idiot...

Slowly, slowly, I realised that I was desperately unhappy.

I read threads like this, constantly. Trying to figure out - is it bad enough to leave? Why? How could I? Would it be worse to leave or stay? It felt impossible.

The drip-drip-drip of this kind of tortuous existence wore me down, but when he set his sights in the DC, when he played favourites and was just plain nasty, I started challenging him.

He didn't like it. He didn't like that I stood up to him. He tried to put me in my place by hitting me. I started my own Mumsnet thread then.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3575915-I-have-to-leave-him-dont-I

Over time I have learned to unravel the damage and I've managed to keep him at arm's length as much as possible. It's been difficult and upsetting, but I've done it, and life is a million times better now. I can't even begin to say how much better.

@MeltedEggMum2YearsLater so glad you’re happy now. Do the kids see their dad?

@TheBlueStocking

It doesn't sound like any reason to break up to me. In fact, I think the mature response would be to forgive and forget and try to do better in the future. But of course you can't post on MN without some ardent LTB fans.

Yep.

Do the kids see their dad?

Supervised contact only, at this stage. There's still a lot going on with family court but it's slowed down considerably due to covid.

The line between abusive non abusive behaviour, isn’t intent.

@AgentJohnson ofcourse it is intent! Are you trying to suggest that anyone can be abuse without even thinking about it any therefore giving abusers away to absolve responsibility?