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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I’ve ruined it with him

82 replies

GinIsNotOriginal · 15/02/2021 00:00

On/off former flame- never a full on boyfriend. Recently we got back in contact (he initiated, like everybody else seems to be messaging former flames in lockdown...) although I was working outside of my home city at that time so couldn’t meet.
Now I am back home so thought I would message him again (4 weeks after we initially started speaking again- which he I instigated). I asked outright if he would like to meet (I’m a single person household so can go for walks with another person), he replied within an hour on Thursday night asking if I had finished my job and was in home city. Some idle chit chat followed into the following morning, him asking me questions and replying every 30 mins or so (impressive considering he was at work). Eventually I asked again if he would like to meet in a socially distanced way as I would like to catch up, as the conversation was there but he hadn’t directly answered my initial conversation opener which was about meeting! He replied saying ‘sure, why not! My housemate doesn’t like having people in the house but I don’t care about social distancing tbh, maybe we could meet for a walk if you like unless you have another suggestion?’
I said a walk would be nice and jokes followed about how key workers can use hotels for work etc.
I then said so shall we meet for a walk?
He replied saying ‘sure why not, any chance you’re free this weekend?’ And asked about my family.
I answered his question about my family then
I replied saying ‘unfortunately not this weekend, but I can do whenever next weekend?’ I had previously told him I could do either Friday night (as an after work night walk) or from next Thursday, so he knew this weekend wasn’t my best time before he asked that.
He read it and hasn’t replied. That was on Friday afternoon. I’m so confused after his prompt replies from Thursday night through to Friday afternoon and then silence!
I’m starting to think he doesn’t want to meet at all
But then why ask if I was free this weekend? Is he possibly a bruised male ego? Really worried I’ve ruined what could have been the rekindling of what we had or at least regaining him as a friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
GinIsNotOriginal · 15/02/2021 00:01

Initially I was worried he has a girlfriend but I’m sure he wouldn’t have volunteered Valentine’s weekend as ‘available’ if so!

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 15/02/2021 00:04

Unless he thinks you have a boyfriend because you didn’t want to meet this weekend but didn’t say why

OldWomanSaysThis · 15/02/2021 00:18

If this "ruined" it then it was never meant to be.
I'm guessing a walk wasn't what he had in mind.

cranberrypie · 15/02/2021 00:29

Because he's only bothered when he's free , you haven't ruined it, he has by not getting back to you. He's on/off anyway and likely to ever stay that way.

Dery · 15/02/2021 00:36

“If this "ruined" it then it was never meant to be.
I'm guessing a walk wasn't what he had in mind.”

This, with bells on.

Moomoolandmoomooland · 15/02/2021 00:40

He wanted a shag this weekend. You weren't available, so he's looking elsewhere. Would be my conclusion.

Washimal · 15/02/2021 08:17

He wanted a shag this weekend. You weren't available, so he's looking elsewhere. Would be my conclusion.

Yeah, sorry OP but this was my first thought as well.

gutful · 15/02/2021 08:20

You sound more keen on him than he is on you, doing the chasing by trying to lock in a date.

Probably he was messaging out of boredom or to get a shag that weekend etc

If someone wants to go out with you they will try to make plans.

He sounds flaky, just block him & next

SmileyClare · 15/02/2021 08:25

@Moomoolandmoomooland

He wanted a shag this weekend. You weren't available, so he's looking elsewhere. Would be my conclusion.
This sums it up. Sex with an ex is his goal. It's usually easier/quicker for a man to progress things to sex with an ex because you've been there before, he knows you have some chemistry and are compatible.

The initial conversation, asking you about your life and family is his idea of foreplay.

Clues include "I'm not bothered about social distancing...any other suggestions?" ..and jokes about hotel rooms.

Jenala · 15/02/2021 08:34

What everyone else has said, sorry OP.

Also both times he said "sure why not" which feels like setting up for a certain dynamic. A kind of sure, OK, guess I've nothing else on... Rather than that would be great/would be good to see you/I'd like that etc.

It's very clear he just wants a shag. Depending how barren his sex life currently is he may go for a walk if he thinks that's the ticket for something else.

I wouldn't be very keen to meet someone who thinks all social distancing is rubbish.

Original poster
GinIsNotOriginal · 15/02/2021 17:19

I suppose you’re all correct- the backstory is I’m not looking for anything serious, I’m moving abroad for work purposes in the summer so know it won’t go anywhere (a very much needed role so not something that will be cancelled due to covid).

If he was after sex then wouldn’t he have replied with a plan for what is now the upcoming weekend? I’m probably overthinking now but for reference, in his last message it was ‘yes for sure, any chance you’re free this weekend?’.

I know I should wait and see if he will message a reply closer to this weekend as he knows I am free. Would it be desperate to message next week (so what will be 2 weeks since we last spoke) asking if he’s free that weekend? It would be ‘double messaging’ but weeks apart and after I rejected him as I was busy on a weekend he offered.

I hate myself for being like this as I normally tell friends never to message men like this, but I am so bored and lonely in this lockdown and just want a face from the past to cheer me up over the next few months

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 15/02/2021 17:27

Sounds to me like he made it clear he wanted to meet in a hotel with you. The guy is not good news.

Seriously op why are you regretting not bending over backwards for a messer-arounder like him? Or anyone, for that matter. You arent free this weekend and thats that.

SmileyClare · 15/02/2021 18:33

I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely. This lockdown is so tough for single people in terms of human interaction Sad

You need to decide what you want because it seems clear he wants no strings sex. He quickly cooled when you suggested a walk or putting the meet up on hold for a week. Is that what you want to meet him for (?) because otherwise you may end up getting hurt or feeling used.

Original poster
GinIsNotOriginal · 15/02/2021 18:40

I would be willing to meet for that- I’m moving away in a few months so could compartmentalise it as just that, our lives will take different paths but I want to see him for now. Which is also why I want to see him before that happens- I’m moving countries. I want the human contact and I would be genuinely interested to see him again.

It is incredibly difficult- I don’t think people with DC, DH/DP etc understand what it’s like to have been in this situation for a year now alone, although you have all been supportive! I expected to be flamed.

OP posts:
Original poster
GinIsNotOriginal · 15/02/2021 18:40

I suppose I’m just insecure he doesn’t even want to see me for casual sex!

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 15/02/2021 18:48

It seems like you might want a fwb deal. Where as he, just wants to screw you.

SmileyClare · 15/02/2021 18:57

God I don't know, it may be that he went quiet because he lined someone else up for a hook up.

I suppose you can put your cards on the table and tell him you'd like to meet up for casual sex this weekend? You'd probably have to arrange somewhere as he's already said his housemate doesn't allow visitors? Confused

I just think you sound pretty low and a bit vulnerable at the moment so maybe not in the best place for this?

Are you in a single person bubble with anyone? I mean you could meet with a (platonic) friend for an evening if your mental health is suffering. That sort of personal interaction is maybe all you need.

It's not much help but sending a virtual hug Flowers

Original poster
GinIsNotOriginal · 15/02/2021 19:28

He possibly did line somebody else up or maybe a bruised male ego.
I’m not in a bubble- my friends are great but all have DPs, full time jobs (key workers) and some have DC. So they don’t really have as much time as me.

I’m considering messaging on Thursday night saying ‘I am free this weekend if you are?’, does that place my cards on the table? I probably will look desperate but will just accept that risk, otherwise the ‘what if’ will drive me insane! I just hope he replies and agrees to meet.
I am quite low- I feel like a year of my life has been wasted, I am lucky to have a highly valued job, own my own property but I feel this is wasted time. There is no fun in my life at the moment and it’s sad. Woe is me!

Is it pathetic to message again asking if he’s free?

OP posts:
PinotPony · 15/02/2021 20:05

How will you feel if he ignores that message? Even worse I suspect.

Let it go. Much as a bit of attention and a shag would be nice, you know deep down this guy has absolutely no respect for you. C'mon, you're not that desperate!

Original poster
GinIsNotOriginal · 15/02/2021 21:25

I will feel a lot worse if he ignores it, but I suppose I would have the closure as a ‘no’. Whereas I feel I’ve messed it up! He was up for meeting then I said I couldn’t. It’s like an open book with him that never closes and that’s what hard

OP posts:
MaLarkinn · 15/02/2021 21:27

Don't do it op!

SmileyClare · 15/02/2021 21:31

Yeah he's no good for you. You're already full of angst over what he's thinking, what he wants, what his messages mean. It going to get worse if you sleep with him and he blows hot and cold, ignores you etc.

Close the book! And good luck with your job overseas. That sounds like something to look forward to Smile

singlemummanurse · 15/02/2021 21:31

In the nicest possible way op, he was angling for no strings sex and you were playing coy and making it seem like you were wanting more or just friendship. He is not going to keep dangling his not so subtle clues when you keep deflecting back to a nice little walk and catch up especially if there is another ex ready to jump. There is nothing wrong with no strings sex if you are both up for it but if that's the case just be upfront and stop dancing around it pretending you don't know what he wants. Its 2021, women are allowed to be upfront with their wants and have sex just for fun and not only if they are in a relationship or heading that way.

SmileyClare · 15/02/2021 22:02

It sounds as though throughout your on off thing, it's been him initiating meeting up for sex. It's never been a relationship really, just him picking you up and dropping you when it suits him? This is spectacularly bad for your self esteem.

I'm not a fan of fwbs, I think the woman always ends up feeling rather used. It's quite unusual for women to be able to separate feelings or emotions from sex as men can. I may be generalizing but I think for this to work as a casual sex thing, you need to be at least good friends, honest with each other and respectful. I don't think he's treating you respectfully at all. He contacted you when he was free last weekend and then went cold when he found out you were busy!
You're not even sure if he has a girlfriend or what's going on with him.

I would look elsewhere for friendship and the human contact you crave.

user1654236589623652 · 15/02/2021 22:14

@GinIsNotOriginal

I will feel a lot worse if he ignores it, but I suppose I would have the closure as a ‘no’. Whereas I feel I’ve messed it up! He was up for meeting then I said I couldn’t. It’s like an open book with him that never closes and that’s what hard
Would you have closure or would you just beat yourself up even more?

Personally I think closure tends to be a mirage that leads us to ruin if we start chasing after it.

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