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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I’ve ruined it with him

82 replies

GinIsNotOriginal · 15/02/2021 00:00

On/off former flame- never a full on boyfriend. Recently we got back in contact (he initiated, like everybody else seems to be messaging former flames in lockdown...) although I was working outside of my home city at that time so couldn’t meet.
Now I am back home so thought I would message him again (4 weeks after we initially started speaking again- which he I instigated). I asked outright if he would like to meet (I’m a single person household so can go for walks with another person), he replied within an hour on Thursday night asking if I had finished my job and was in home city. Some idle chit chat followed into the following morning, him asking me questions and replying every 30 mins or so (impressive considering he was at work). Eventually I asked again if he would like to meet in a socially distanced way as I would like to catch up, as the conversation was there but he hadn’t directly answered my initial conversation opener which was about meeting! He replied saying ‘sure, why not! My housemate doesn’t like having people in the house but I don’t care about social distancing tbh, maybe we could meet for a walk if you like unless you have another suggestion?’
I said a walk would be nice and jokes followed about how key workers can use hotels for work etc.
I then said so shall we meet for a walk?
He replied saying ‘sure why not, any chance you’re free this weekend?’ And asked about my family.
I answered his question about my family then
I replied saying ‘unfortunately not this weekend, but I can do whenever next weekend?’ I had previously told him I could do either Friday night (as an after work night walk) or from next Thursday, so he knew this weekend wasn’t my best time before he asked that.
He read it and hasn’t replied. That was on Friday afternoon. I’m so confused after his prompt replies from Thursday night through to Friday afternoon and then silence!
I’m starting to think he doesn’t want to meet at all
But then why ask if I was free this weekend? Is he possibly a bruised male ego? Really worried I’ve ruined what could have been the rekindling of what we had or at least regaining him as a friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
GinIsNotOriginal · 17/02/2021 19:28

I’m going to put it on the line and offer the choice of a walk or casual sex if he’s free this weekend. I hope he replies well to this message. If he says no to a clear offer of sex then I really have to accept he contacted me for no reason and the past is the past!
I think closure is a mirage but equally I will be on the other side of the world to him soon so will be forced to put it behind me.
Thank you for all opinions, it’s helped to streamline my thoughts and accept I will never be his girlfriend and I have my own things to look forward to but equally I can see him for no strings sex.

Bizarrely I was worried about scaring him off with sex offer but if so many posters think that’s what he’s after then I’ll go for it!

OP posts:
NovemberR · 17/02/2021 19:36

Oh my goodness, please don't do that!

When did you last see him? Have you got rose coloured specs on? What if you offer no strings sex, turn up and he looks completely different from the way you remembered or there is just absolutely no chemistry there? You surely won't go through with sex if he gives you 'the ick' this time?

I know he's an ex - but offer to meet up and THEN decide if you feel like sex at least.

MaeveDidIt · 17/02/2021 19:43

No no no.
Stop chasing him.
In the nicest possible way - give yourself a kick up the arse and get some self-respect pronto.

Jenala · 17/02/2021 20:27

Woah. What's wrong with op wanting some no strings sex? There's nothing wrong with that.

If she was meeting him hoping giving him sex would make him her boyfriend then yeah, bad idea. That doesn't seem to be the case here. Why is it always seen that any casual sex the woman is a victim?

Hope you have fun if he says yes op.

ChristmasFluff · 17/02/2021 20:41

OP, don't do it. You are not being honest with yourself. No-one gets this angsty about the loss of a no-strings sex opportunity.

You are looking to him for an answer to your loneliness - that's a big ask. I actually don't think he even wants sex, hence the way he sidled away from every mention of meeting up at first. He just wants the ego stroke of attention from you, and to know he could have you if he wanted to, hence his disappearance.

You didn't ruin anything - there was nothing to ruin. Your message will doubtless lead to more messaging, maybe even phone sex or similar. But I'd bet it never gets to be in person.

DeeCeeCherry · 17/02/2021 20:48

He wanted sex and you weren't coming forward as being immediately up for it

jokes followed about how key workers can use hotels for work etc

This part was a strong enough hint

Gwegowygwiggs · 18/02/2021 04:57

GOOD CHRIST!!!!!!! DO NOT offer “a walk or casual sex! That’s not laying your cards on the table that just makes you sound loose. There are ways of making it clear that you just want a no strings attached hookup without so brazenly just saying “wanna fuck?”

Please for the love of god don’t do that. By all means, send him a message making it clear that you’d like to hook up but word it tastefully (or as tastefully as that can ever be worded?!) and gauge his reaction. If you send him a message asking for Sex and he rejects you, there’s your self esteem out the window.

custardbear · 18/02/2021 05:29

Just offer a walk, see what chemistry you have, you may think he's an idiot when you see him

RantyAnty · 18/02/2021 05:56

I get the impression you feel this flaky user is the only one who can cure your loneliness.

Chances are having a shag with him or him rejecting your offer will only make you feel worse. It also sounds like he isn't paying much mind to restrictions either as he seems to be doing what he wants with anyone.

You can get on tinder and have 100 guys willing to chat with you. You can spend some time having some banter and a laugh with them.

Is there some kind of online thing where you can get connected with a lonely elderly person and offer them some companionship?
Online meetup group, book club, cards, social, or something like that?

havecourage8bekind · 19/02/2021 16:52

Did you text him OP? X

ElizabethofpeanutYorkies · 19/02/2021 16:58

"He replied saying ‘sure, why not! My housemate doesn’t like having people in the house but I don’t care about social distancing tbh, maybe we could meet for a walk if you like unless you have another suggestion?"

Sounds like a booty call to me! What was he expecting you to otherwise suggest? Yuk, creep.

Also, he has no respect for the welfare of his housemates.

Not someone i would touch with any one else's barge pole let alone my own!

Original poster
GinIsNotOriginal · 19/02/2021 17:46

I text him last night and he hasn’t even opened it!!
I sent a ‘hey, are you free this weekend? If so do you want to meet for a walk or you could come to mine’ and a wink emoji. I wanted to put my cards on the table but he hasn’t even opened the message!! I am a bit embarrassed by that, it was sent at 8pm last night. Unless he’s planning to open it later, but he will have seen the notification.

It’s just difficult! I have my first weekend off work in forever and no plans! Nobody to see. A weekend of silence alone. I try to read but I struggle to concentrate (my job is very intense, often I cannot think when at home).
If he completely ignores the message then I get the hint and will be a bit embarrassed. I hope
he replies.

I don’t know what the housemates situation is in terms of if they go to work or anything so their ‘risk’ exposure otherwise. Although as he’s not even opened my message, I probably shouldn’t worry! SadBlush

OP posts:
Original poster
GinIsNotOriginal · 19/02/2021 19:13

I am slowly dying of embarrassment that he hasn’t read the message! Not even opened it! Blush

OP posts:
Dery · 19/02/2021 19:20

“I am slowly dying of embarrassment that he hasn’t read the message! Not even opened it!”

Never mind, OP. Chalk it up to experience and move on. In my experience, the most painful lessons are the most useful.

Original poster
GinIsNotOriginal · 19/02/2021 21:39

It is!! I am tempted to block but then that is blocking a chat that is years old and also, I always find blocking quite immature! When men have blocked me in the past I always presume they are so into me they cannot possibly cope with being reminded of my existence! (Maybe that’s a bit egotistical, but I hope you get my point).

The not opening the message just seems so odd and almost controlling! Why not open it and ignore? Or open it and say no? He’s said no to me in the past (many years ago, then begged to see me since then). It’s 2021 and we all get notifications on our phones. He knows what that message says and he’s chosen to not even open it.

OP posts:
PinotPony · 19/02/2021 21:44

I hope he replies

What.. still?! For the love of god, why? If he contacted you know, would you seriously meet him?

Yes you'll have a lonely weekend with no company. That's a far better option than chasing after a guy who clearly isn't interested. Have some self respect!

Use the weekend to do something nice for you. A bit of pampering, something relaxing, listen to an audio book, do something crafty... distract yourself.. stop thinking about this bellend.

PinotPony · 19/02/2021 21:47

If you don't want to block him for fear of looking affected, just delete all the messages and his contact details. That way, you can't be tempted to contact him again but if he messages you you'll receive the message.

Original poster
GinIsNotOriginal · 19/02/2021 21:51

I don’t have his contact details anyway- I deleted his number years ago and made him delete mine too during an argument. We’re not even ‘friends’
On social media- he has to search for me to
Find my profile then message me.

I hope he replies for my own ego! I am so embarrassed and feel like I must be the most unattractive woman in the world. Offering it on a plate and not even recognised!

I’m planning to listen to an audio book, walk to my local Delhi and maybe order a takeaway. Need to stay away from wine because I will be tempted to message! I just do nothing understand the not even opening a message

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/02/2021 22:44

I hope he replies for my own ego! I am so embarrassed and feel like I must be the most unattractive woman in the world. Offering it on a plate and not even recognised!

If he replies saying yes to meeting up for a shag, you'll do it and then feel on high alert and shit again the second you leave because this cycle will start all over again.

If he replies saying no then you'll feel shit about yourself.

Literally NO GOOD can come of not blocking him! I can't believe you still want him to reply. You're seeking reassurance from someone who is doesnt being a healthy positivity to your life.

He's like a shit takeaway that is ok while you're eating it but then leaves you feeling bloated, tired and hungry quickly afterwards.

Nourish yourself emotionally woman! With healthy things not toxic men!

You're not blocking him because you want that reassurance he wants you. But he doesn't want you the way you want him to and you know that already. It just feels shit.

Time to block and move on.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/02/2021 22:45

Oh and when I say nourish with healthy stuff I mean emotionally, definitely get a literal takeaway if you fancy it and it'll cheer you up! Just not a metaphorical shitty takeaway aka a man who isn't good for you.

Beforethetakingoftoastandt3a · 19/02/2021 23:33

I get youre lonely, op. This must be really shit for single people. But even if he read the message, came round for casual sex, then left, would you really feel better and not worse?

EarthSight · 19/02/2021 23:46

This post sounds a bit breathless.......and the way you're chewing on the little crumbs he's given you in contact is almost desperate OP.

'never a full on boyfriend'

Unless he has some psychological issues (which would be difficult enough), he either has no idea what he wants or.....he's not that into you, despite this contact. If I was being cynical, based on your on & off, never commuting type of thing you had between you, I would say he either wasn't really serious about meeting up or was hoping to arrange a shag for the weekend, and found it elsewhere. It will be interesting to see if he gets back in touch, and if he will continue messing you around whenever he has an itch to scratch.

EarthSight · 19/02/2021 23:48

Also, don't be afraid to block. It's your life and an effective way to get time wasters to fuck off.

Original poster
GinIsNotOriginal · 20/02/2021 09:04

I can’t bring myself to block but I’ve deleted the chat- 5 years worth of messages all gone. I feel very sad about it, I’ve never done that to him before. We’re not fb friends, so if he were to reply- would I still receive the message? Based on us not being friends and him no longer being in my messenger history. It feels good yet I also feel anxious that now I will never know if he ever opened the message.

OP posts:
havecourage8bekind · 20/02/2021 09:10

He definitely read it. Even if he hasn't opened it, he would've been able to read the notification. He sounds like a dick! And that's coming from someone who was rooting for you getting some casual sex lol. Yes he would be able to message you back if he wanted to even if you've deleted your message thread, it won't have deleted from his side.