I think I’ve ruined it with him

[GinIsNotOriginal]

On/off former flame- never a full on boyfriend. Recently we got back in contact (he initiated, like everybody else seems to be messaging former flames in lockdown...) although I was working outside of my home city at that time so couldn’t meet.
Now I am back home so thought I would message him again (4 weeks after we initially started speaking again- which he I instigated). I asked outright if he would like to meet (I’m a single person household so can go for walks with another person), he replied within an hour on Thursday night asking if I had finished my job and was in home city. Some idle chit chat followed into the following morning, him asking me questions and replying every 30 mins or so (impressive considering he was at work). Eventually I asked again if he would like to meet in a socially distanced way as I would like to catch up, as the conversation was there but he hadn’t directly answered my initial conversation opener which was about meeting! He replied saying ‘sure, why not! My housemate doesn’t like having people in the house but I don’t care about social distancing tbh, maybe we could meet for a walk if you like unless you have another suggestion?’
I said a walk would be nice and jokes followed about how key workers can use hotels for work etc.
I then said so shall we meet for a walk?
He replied saying ‘sure why not, any chance you’re free this weekend?’ And asked about my family.
I answered his question about my family then
I replied saying ‘unfortunately not this weekend, but I can do whenever next weekend?’ I had previously told him I could do either Friday night (as an after work night walk) or from next Thursday, so he knew this weekend wasn’t my best time before he asked that.
He read it and hasn’t replied. That was on Friday afternoon. I’m so confused after his prompt replies from Thursday night through to Friday afternoon and then silence!
I’m starting to think he doesn’t want to meet at all
But then why ask if I was free this weekend? Is he possibly a bruised male ego? Really worried I’ve ruined what could have been the rekindling of what we had or at least regaining him as a friend.

@GinIsNotOriginal in the past I, like you, thought blocking was immature. I read female dating strategy on Reddit and I understood that blocking means they can never reappear and have no space in your mind. I haven't met anyone yet but I really don't tolerate any crap from men and I have met only nice ones who have treated me as I deserve to be treated.

Please please block him, he doesn't even respect you enough to open your message. Just move on, you are wasting your mental energies on the wrong person and don't have your heart ready and open for the right man (being alone is much better than this).

Being objective Op, you've chased this guy to death.

In your opening post you reiterated your point to him several times and you made it chyrstal clear.

That in itself was quite OTT, and because that didn't work, I couldn't believe that you messaged him again!!

Don't be that desperate women again - if a man wants you he'll come and get you 💐

@GinIsNotOriginal

I can’t bring myself to block but I’ve deleted the chat- 5 years worth of messages all gone. I feel very sad about it, I’ve never done that to him before. We’re not fb friends, so if he were to reply- would I still receive the message? Based on us not being friends and him no longer being in my messenger history. It feels good yet I also feel anxious that now I will never know if he ever opened the message.

What is it stopping you from blocking? What good can come of you keeping him unblocked? You're thinking about how he will view being blocked but that's irrelevant. It's what's best for you to prevent him either saying something hurtful or saying yes to meeting and thus perpetuating this whole cycle again.

He's not interested the way you are. It's that simple really when push comes to shove. So there's no point at all being in touch.

If he messages you on FB it will go into your unknown senders inbox, separate to your main one. So you'll still be able to read it. You can block him on there too even if you aren't friends, I believe.

You're continuing to feed your obsession with this dynamic by not blocking him. You're literally wasting more and more time you could be spending investing in your own wellbeing and also delaying the amount of time after which you can meet someone who is good for you - when you are ready.

I think therapy would be beneficial to help you have more robust boundaries and expectations around dynamics with men.

So bizarrely he’s replied! Saying sorry he’s been busy with work but a walk sounds good and how is my weekend looking? I am so so embarassed my hotel offer was rejected but why does he want a walk? I am so confused! I feel like a complete twat wouldn’t want a walk- they would either shag or ignore me, why do this and say a walk?!

Is he such a twat? I really don’t get it

@GinIsNotOriginal he's playing with you. Maybe keeping you on the back burner if he's really desperate. That's why it's better to block - you wouldn't have received that message and you wouldn't need to wonder. Don't give him mental space please. If you meet him remember he'll disappoint you again very soon

@GinIsNotOriginal

Is he such a twat? I really don’t get it

Probably playing hard to get/Pick up artist techniques/negging. It worked, you've gone from having a walk to offering him sex on a plate because he made you feel shit and insecure. And now he's still playing with your head by suggesting the walk instead of sex, which means you're guaranteed to have sex with him to keep him around.

bet his wife or girlfriend was around when he wasn't messaging

bet his wife or girlfriend was around when he wasn't messaging

Yep, my thoughts too. He was busy, with someone, that's why.

OP I've been where you are and my advice to you, save yourself heartache, don't meet him. You'll feel much lonelier after he decides to drop you, possibly straight after this weekend.

Call your friends, family, go for a walk. Getting a high of seeing him isn't worth the low that will inevitably come after.

You said you were joking about the hotel.
A walk is what you both agreed on. It's been a common idea for a date in Covid times.
Sounds like he's really got to you OP

Oh, I read your later posts where you offered him sex, sorry. Don't know what's wrong with sticking to what you originally agreed on. Everyone would be saying he's a wrongen if he jumped at your offer anyway. I wouldn't have gone for it either I'm afraid I'd still prefer the date.

Why are you questioning his motivations when you need to examine your own as a priority?

Engaging in a dynamic that makes you anxious and unhappy like this is a sort of form of self harm. It's damaging behaviour that is being used to get an instant fix of relief (phew, he does want to see me / phew, he has messaged) but only actually perpetuates the dynamic causing anxiety.

This isn't healthy and you're opening yourself up, repeatedly, to your self esteem being battered bit by bit.

Stop questioning why he is doing whatever he's doing and start questioning why you're doing what you're doing

This guy is taking up way too much of your headspace. That's so unhealthy. Don't you see that?

Guys who like you don't make you feel this way. Guys who like you pursue you. Guys who like you respond to messages because they're pleased to hear from you. It's that simple.

We're all telling you the same thing. Why aren't you listening?

If you’re just as happy with him to have no strings meet up then I would message him. As long as your absolutely sure you’re not going to get attached or want more.

I have a similar situation with a guy, that’s been going on the whole of lockdown. It’s nice to have sex and a cuddle so I don’t feel like I’m being used in anyway because I’m using him too.

Send him a funny meme or something with a short message along the lines “you still up for this weekend?” If he doesn’t reply, within 24 hours I’d block him.

How long does it take to answer a message? One minute? He can do it on the loo 😃. He was disrespectful by ignoring your message and agreeing to meet late in the weekend, when most people would have plans. We don't ignore our friends. I'd say he was with someone else and didn't know if he'd be free to go missing for a day/night.
I'm guessing you are going to see him. I don't think you are going to feel better afterwards unfortunately.

And this is why you should have blocked him.

If there is anything that could justifiably be described as immature it is this saga.

I don't think you are in a proper emotional state to interact with this particular man at all. You are too vulnerable and you have given him too much power.

You do realise it's possible to read a FB Messenger message without it showing as having been read, don't you? The recipient has to hard close Messenger on their phone, turn on to airplane mode then open Messenger again. After you've read the message, hard close Messenger again (swipe it up on an iphone) and then turn airplane mode off.

Oh please don’t let him just pick you up again when he feels like it. He could’ve managed a message ages ago if he’d given even the slightest shit about you and your feelings, but he didn’t..

“Why are you questioning his motivations when you need to examine your own as a priority?

Engaging in a dynamic that makes you anxious and unhappy like this is a sort of form of self harm. It's damaging behaviour that is being used to get an instant fix of relief (phew, he does want to see me / phew, he has messaged) but only actually perpetuates the dynamic causing anxiety.

This isn't healthy and you're opening yourself up, repeatedly, to your self esteem being battered bit by bit.

Stop questioning why he is doing whatever he's doing and start questioning why you're doing what you're doing”

This with bells on.

You need professional help.

I meant to update this thread- so last week on the Saturday night he replied, asking if I would
Like to go on a walk.
We met for a walk during the daytime and it was lovely, we kissed, stroked hands and he said I was prettier than he remembered. We talked a lot about what has happened since we last saw eachother, including my upcoming move abroad and weirdly he is also moving abroad in 5 weeks! he said he was sorry for his delays in replying and before we got into the taxi he asked if he could kiss me again before we put our masks on.
In the taxi he did have a bit of a fumble then when he got out at his house he said ‘I’ll see you around’. Within an hour of being home he had text to say ‘thanks so much Gin for this afternoon, it was lovely. And I really enjoyed the journey home :)’

I replied saying I had felt the same and it was great to see him. We haven’t spoken since then (almost a week) but I am optimistic he might message again before his move in 5 weeks. I doubt he would have asked to kiss me again or messaged again so soon after parting if he felt it were a disaster. So no sex but we did meet and i definetly feel better for seeing him- yes I would like to see him again but I’m still a lot better than I was before, we had a lovely walk. We even walked past the hotel where we had our first meeting years before and he remembered that was where we met!

I do think he’s matured- he said he enjoys walks because you actually get to know the person. Which is true- I probably learnt more about him on that walk than I have in the years of being on/off sleeping with him.

"you're prettier than I remembered"

backhanded compliment right there

It was actually ‘I always thought you were pretty but you’re prettier than I remembered’, I think he was trying to edge around the fact I’ve lost 3 stone but he didn’t know how to say it...

Time to focus on your move abroad OP ! This guy sounds like a total douche bag