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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What's he playing at ?

51 replies

Idiotathome79 · 14/02/2021 00:20

I have been with my oh 25 years married 15 we have children .

Our relationship is extremely strained ,

I am Having help With social services on a child in need plan , mainly because he is mentally aggressive .
He has smacked my asd daughter a couple of times , and he's controls the way our lives are ( he would tell you he doesn't but for instance if I put the tv on at night , he wouldn't talk to me for at least the evening so I watch tv on my iPhone in bed. Or if I go out with friend it can be days after that he'll talk to me , he's sends me a very long winded texts about how I don't deserve a relationship etc just because I have gone out, I might add the last time I went out socially was dec2018 )
He doesn't pay his fair share often puts things in my bank like his mobile contract his credit card payments etc and never gives me money to pay it .
He threatened the kids with not paying for the pay as you go electric when I am at work ( I have gone pay monthly now to stop that)
There's so much more but I need to get to the point of the thread .

We don't share a bed and haven't had any intimacy since 2016 .
Anyway the social services have agreed with me and him that he must find somewhere to
Live wether he rent or move home with parents .
He knows the relationship Is over . I have tried to repair it for many years ( he's had counselling the counsellor apparently fell asleep, he had medication he took for a couple days then stopped ) .

So my son came to
My bedroom at teatime and said dads bought u flowers for valentines( even at the best times we never did valentines ) ,
So now I'm all confused is he trying to
Fix it (we have noticed he's been less shouty recently too ) my heart wants to think he is , but my heads saying it's too little too late , and it's just something to get me to
Change my mind and then when it's all calmed down he'll be back to normal .

I must add I don't love him anymore and only one of our children wants him to stay.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/02/2021 00:23

Who cares what he's playing at. Why on earth are you still with him?

Giraffey1 · 14/02/2021 00:27

But there is no normal for you. At least, no healthy normal.
Why do you want to stay with someone who treats you and your dc so appalling?
You need to stop and think about what is best for you and your children.

pog100 · 14/02/2021 00:29

I'm not sure what you are asking but it's as plain as day that he MUST go. It's very, very obvious that any effort he is now making is because he can see he has lost control over you. He doesn't seem to have changed that much and what little he is doing will immediately disappear once he is comfortable with you under his thumb again. Please stay strong and get rid of the fucker. It's not immediately clear but it sounds like social services might force your hand if you don't, anyway?

Newcastleteacake · 14/02/2021 00:29

He knows his free ride is coming to an end.

Do not fall for it.

Original poster
Idiotathome79 · 14/02/2021 00:33

@Aquamarine1029 he's suppose to be finding somewhere to live , I can't throw him on the streets , it's so easy to think I can , but I am doing my best to get him out . ( I know it doesn't sound it )

OP posts:
Original poster
Idiotathome79 · 14/02/2021 00:36

@Giraffey1

I don't want to stay with him, but there's so many factors involved .
For instance one of my welder children ( 20) said he has to go , I get the ball rolling and then she said that she didnt want him to go if he didn't have any where ..
so what initially seems easy leaves me not knowing what to do for the best again I want it to be amicable his family are the only family we have , we don't want to lose them as well .

OP posts:
Original poster
Idiotathome79 · 14/02/2021 00:38

@pog100 @Newcastleteacake
This is exactly what my head is telling me ( I hve mental health issue surprisingly and I was worried I was being paranoid ) thank you

OP posts:
Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 00:38

Yes you can

loopyapp · 14/02/2021 00:38

I dont mean to upset you or be unkind but that child in need plan can and and will escalate to a child protection plan quicker than you can say 'i cant kick him out to the streets" if social services get a wiff of you not working with the voluntary plan.

You're currently on a level 2/3 intervention and they're looking to you to show them your only priority is those children. Not if he wants to "fix it" or where will he go.

If it is escalated to level 4 safeguarding it is no long voluntary. You either do as they or they instigate pre-proceedings.

Listen to and work with your social worker. That is all you need to focus on right now .

Silenceisgolden20 · 14/02/2021 00:40

If your eldest is 20, then they do not decide this for you. You do

Sassysally12 · 14/02/2021 00:41

Christ he sounds awful and your well rid of him. You do know if social services are saying he needs to go, they see him as a threat? So if he doesn’t go, the kids could be removed instead? It doesn’t matter if the kids want him to stay, he has been deemed unfit. Where and who he stays with isn’t your problem.xx

Seasidemumma77 · 14/02/2021 01:00

It's incredibly painful ending a relationship, but i imagine prolonging the end is just creating more stress and unhappiness. It's scary to demand your partner leave immediately, but in my experience, the happy home you can create with just you and the children is worth the initial pain. Hope you have a strong support network who you can lean on for physical and emotional strength

OldWomanSaysThis · 14/02/2021 01:05

You wanting to use the flowers as an excuse to let him stay there, right?

AIMD · 14/02/2021 01:11

He needs to go.
I’m sure he will find somewhere. If he’s saying he can’t it’s mostly likely to buy more time.

At the end of the day he is abusive. You have to prioritise your children otherwise as a pp said the social care input will, quite rightly, escalate.

The flowers mean nothing.

QueenOfPain · 14/02/2021 01:18

Being confused is immaterial really.

Look at it like this, you’re kids are on a child in need plan due to the abuse they’ve suffered/witnessed from this man. Social services have now said that he needs to vacate the family home. You do understand what will happen if you stay together and he doesn’t leave? You’re going to lose your kids. Social services want to see that you’re able to prioritise the welfare of your children over your relationship with this man.

You don’t have any fucking choice. Get rid of the flowers and get rid of him.

Original poster
Idiotathome79 · 14/02/2021 08:24

Sorry I fell a sleep
@OldWomanSaysThis No , not at all I know he has to go , the flowers mean shit ( I cried when my son told me and said thus means he's never going to leave) , it's just that I needed someone to say what I was thinking was most likely .

@Seasidemumma77 I don't have anyone in RL except my children , Gp the social worker , The college , I do work so have work colleagues but that's what it is, work , we also have his family but ultimately they are his and will side with him without a doubt

@loopyapp @QueenOfPain social services are the ones who gave him a time frame , so we only had our first meeting last week they gave him 6 weeks to sort himself this is written in the plan .

I had already begun the process with something called community links , splitz and the GP , before they became involved .

Just a bit of back ground , I didn't actually realise how bad things got , I was working 50 hours a week then got Covid which developed into long Covid , it was only then I realised how awful they were , I spoke to the school safe guarding team my self just before Xmas they referred me to several different teams which didn't come through till mid jan ( in the mean time I asked GP for help )
Then there was an incident a few weekends ago where the college said they were mashing it again( we had tried several times )

The social services are not concerned about the younger children the child in need plan is based around my asd child ! ( partially my fault as I said one night in distress , I wish somebody would just help me, and now every time he does anything , ie once he shouted at her because she was blowing in the dogs face so she told safe guarding most of which they record but don't do anything about , but this occasion they were having a full argument and he smacked her arm , I did step in )

OP posts:
whatonearthhappened · 14/02/2021 08:48

[quote Idiotathome79]@Aquamarine1029 he's suppose to be finding somewhere to live , I can't throw him on the streets , it's so easy to think I can , but I am doing my best to get him out . ( I know it doesn't sound it ) [/quote]
Yes you can when this is affecting your kids to the point social services are involved! The damage caused will be irreversible
He is an adult and can sort himself out your kids have no say in this

whatonearthhappened · 14/02/2021 08:50

He's mentally aggressive controlling and assaults your child. Just think about that and realise if you fail to protect your kids the local authority will

category12 · 14/02/2021 08:53

This man is abusive and violent. Fgs don't let a bunch of flowers and false promises persuade you out of getting rid of him.

AIMD · 14/02/2021 09:01

Wow op lots has been going on by the sounds of things. All very stressful too by the sounds of it.

Op when you say they have him 6 weeks to “sort himself out” what does that mean?

Are you actively getting support from splits? Given you don’t have anyone in real life close to talk to ideally you access some support through them to talk things through and any concerns/issues like the flowers. Give them a bell if you’re not hearing or not getting enough support.

Sounds like you are just realising the depth of the abuse and it’s impact.

Original poster
Idiotathome79 · 14/02/2021 09:01

@category12 Honestly I think I probably worded my op wrong , the flowers weren't making me think , thank god he's a changed man ! I couldn't understand after oh and myself had a conversation the other day where I told him he had to leave , he had to follow what the social services asked he has 6 weeks to source somewhere and move ! , I told him to see his parents and he refused saying he's not going to his mums at 45 years old , they don't even know there's an issue .
He then said he would ask a mate who's a druggie . ( I think he wanted me to go you can't go there ) And I said fine so I thought we were moving forward .
And then the flowers ( which I might add he hasn't given to me yet ! ) which confused me as to what his intentions ( if you like) were
I am an over thinker ,

OP posts:
heart80s · 14/02/2021 09:05

Are his parents around? If so why can't he go live with them.

AIMD · 14/02/2021 09:09

You’re not over thinking it op.
The intentions of the flowers are obviously to try and win you back over to letting him stay. Sounds like he has no intention of going easily. I imagine if you spoke to the DA service they’d help you notice the behaviour that is concerning.

AIMD · 14/02/2021 09:10

Also sounds like he would never be on the street if he has parents he can live with. He might not like that idea but I bet he’s go there if he had no other choice.

Sorry op I can’t remember from what you wrote before but are you separating from him too?

category12 · 14/02/2021 09:15

It's not uncommon for guys like this to basically act like nothing has changed and completely ignore conversations you've had about breaking up or moving out.

He doesn't want to go, he's got a roof over his head, home comforts, people to abuse, you're supporting him financially - leaving is going to be uncomfortable and he'll have to support himself, and he'll probably have to be pleasant to anyone fool enough to take him in.

It's enough to make anyone pretend nothing is happening and rely on you not being strong enough to follow through.

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