What's he playing at ?

[Idiotathome79]

I have been with my oh 25 years married 15 we have children .

Our relationship is extremely strained ,

I am Having help With social services on a child in need plan , mainly because he is mentally aggressive .
He has smacked my asd daughter a couple of times , and he's controls the way our lives are ( he would tell you he doesn't but for instance if I put the tv on at night , he wouldn't talk to me for at least the evening so I watch tv on my iPhone in bed. Or if I go out with friend it can be days after that he'll talk to me , he's sends me a very long winded texts about how I don't deserve a relationship etc just because I have gone out, I might add the last time I went out socially was dec2018 )
He doesn't pay his fair share often puts things in my bank like his mobile contract his credit card payments etc and never gives me money to pay it .
He threatened the kids with not paying for the pay as you go electric when I am at work ( I have gone pay monthly now to stop that)
There's so much more but I need to get to the point of the thread .

We don't share a bed and haven't had any intimacy since 2016 .
Anyway the social services have agreed with me and him that he must find somewhere to
Live wether he rent or move home with parents .
He knows the relationship Is over . I have tried to repair it for many years ( he's had counselling the counsellor apparently fell asleep, he had medication he took for a couple days then stopped ) .

So my son came to
My bedroom at teatime and said dads bought u flowers for valentines( even at the best times we never did valentines ) ,
So now I'm all confused is he trying to
Fix it (we have noticed he's been less shouty recently too ) my heart wants to think he is , but my heads saying it's too little too late , and it's just something to get me to
Change my mind and then when it's all calmed down he'll be back to normal .

I must add I don't love him anymore and only one of our children wants him to stay.

@AIMD thank you ,

The 6 weeks were for him to source somewhere to live they offered him a discretionary fund if he needs it for rent / furniture ( I had already had a tv and a sofa as I have a new sofa arriving , but he needs a bed etc) our area atm dont have any private rentals which he could afford mainly 3 bed property , he needs a one or two bed , his mum and dad have a 3 bed and I am sure they would help out til he sorted .

All these lovely ppl that say I don't have to worry about where he lives whilst they are correct , but he is still the father of my children and they want a relationship with him just not in the house .

I have had one phone call with spiltz but I will phone them Monday and have a long conversation .

Anyway flowers have been given , I thanked him and then said that the flowers don't change anything he still needs to move out , he said they weren't for that he saw them and bought them as it's valentines , I told him I feel they are much like the promise of taking medication and then stopping and seeing a counsellor then not going .

@heart80s right across the road from us , pride on his part I think , denial maybe

@AIMD yes the separation would be completely from me , he would have what ever contact he's allowed with the children ( obviously dependent on social services ) but that would be all .
I did tell him he's digging his heels in and needs to seek help from his mate or parents what ever suits him is fine by me .

Two questions. Why can’t you ask his family directly to take him back in or what’s the deal with your 20 year old? Do they live elsewhere?

If his parents live across the road, it'd be far better if he didn't move in with them. It's not enough space or distance to change much.

@LouiseTrees his mum and dad whilst I get on with them on the outside there was an incident at a family party a few years back where he got drunk showed his true colours , his father dealt with it , then before leaving my home said to me what ever i did to make his son like this or what I am not giving him sort it !
So I am weary of how they are gonna deal with it.

My 20 year old lives with me she's the eldest at home ( I have a 24 year old own home )
Not sure she works mental health nurse training so been telling me for a while he's abusive to me , but I think although she doesn't get on with him ( she's strong opinionated and won't take shit even from her dad , they never got on)
She knows he hasn't got many places that he can go , otherwise I am not sure why she turned so quickly

@category12 this is what the community links lady I am working along side said .

At this stage I don't mind where he goes , i just want him to commit .

When he gave me the flowers I asked y and told him he doesn't love me nor I him , he said he does , I then said you don't ppl who love each get help when asked , I then said unfortunately that shipped sailed and that it doesn't change , he then told me to bin them then he doesn't care .

Just kick him out. You're coming up with excuses to not to.
He can live with his parents even if it's on their sofa or he will be granted emergency housing.
So what if it's a hostel , he's done this to himself not you.
You need to show social services you are putting your children first or rightly so it will be escalated and it'll be your children that leave not your husband.

Why are you even thanking him for the flowers??
Stop talking to him and asking him to move out. Tell him and then get some help with that. Can the police help? Who is on the tenancy?
I know you realise this is serious but your actions are not matching it

He needs to move out asap and then sort seeing the kids. Or there will always be an excuse.

[quote Idiotathome79]@LouiseTrees his mum and dad whilst I get on with them on the outside there was an incident at a family party a few years back where he got drunk showed his true colours , his father dealt with it , then before leaving my home said to me what ever i did to make his son like this or what I am not giving him sort it !
So I am weary of how they are gonna deal with it.

My 20 year old lives with me she's the eldest at home ( I have a 24 year old own home )
Not sure she works mental health nurse training so been telling me for a while he's abusive to me , but I think although she doesn't get on with him ( she's strong opinionated and won't take shit even from her dad , they never got on)
She knows he hasn't got many places that he can go , otherwise I am not sure why she turned so quickly [/quote]
It’s not your problem how they deal with it but if they refuse to take him back after you speak to them then it’s them that have made him homeless not you.

Also get your 20 year old alone and ask would they rather their sibling got hit more and their mother had a mental breakdown. Ask them why the sudden change of heart. Tell them if he has some blackmail over them you don’t care.

Been there got the t shirt. This is always too little too late. End it sooner rather that later. You will never forgive him and the marriage is dead.

Op o think you’re in a really difficult stage of the separation, also one of the more dangerous stages. He will try to cling on as much as possible through being nice one minute and abusive the next.

Try to think of this as a step to where you want to me and focus on the end goal. This and the days when he moves will be the hardest I expect....after that you can focus on getting your home life to a new normal.

Re the older child worrying about their father. I think that’s natural to an extent. They live him despite him being abusive and that probably leads to some really difficult and mixed emotions. If I were you I’d just try to model for them how to manage the situation. Saying things like...

“I know you love your dad and are worried about him having no where to go. However he is a grown up and he will find somewhere to live. I can’t let him stay here hurting us. He’s chosen to be abusive for a long time so he now needs to take responsibility for finding somewhere else to go”.

Maybe the children need support around the impact of the DA even the adult one? Again maybe splits can help them understand their mixed feelings.

Why is his housing more important to you than protecting your child from a man that hits her?

@AIMD the younger ones are seeing a support worker themselves the oldest ones have refused , I am quite candid with them and I did say to the 20 year old that we can't put dads ability to find somewhere on us but I worry as they are his children and they want him to be safe( also probably drip feed a little there is a query he is on the spectrum ) .

I think your right about why I am finding it hard my son said to me he's being really nice atm , but I am aware this is probably leading us in to falsehood ( been here a thousand times but fell for it)

@avocadospringseternal it's not more important I have 6 kids who want there sad in there life's and as many previous poster have stated it's not my concern were he lives , but i felt I was doing the best trying to help I know realise that's not the case .

OP, when I kicked my husband out, he had 24 hours to go. I did give a second thought to where he would go! He moved in with his parents for 18 months. Wasn't my problem and it isnt yours either!

OMG sounds like your living a prison sentence. Lifes to short to live like that, kick the twat out. What's the point being miserable. A relationship is supposed to enhance and enrich your life not drag you down.

This is a bit chicken and egg. He won't find somewhere to go until he is homeless. He doesn't need to, he's got it sorted, he's staying with you.

Whatever his parents think about you (and my god what an awful thing to say to you!) It should not affect whether or not they take their son in. If they turnaround and say no, you broke our son, you keep him, then they are very poor parents indeed on many different levels.

Children want lots of things, they are not always realistic, feasible or the best things for them. You will teach them much more about how to address your needs and that of a family by setting boundaries. If they want a relationship with their Dad then it's their Dads responsibility to facilitate that.

It sounds like such a desperate place to be and you have my endless empathy.

Bloody hell, op, listen to what @loopyapp says.

Put your children first. What sort of example of an adult relationship have you shown them?

You should have ended your relationship years ago and he should have moved out. His behaviour is abusive and awful.

Listen to your social worker. Do everything they tell you to do.

If a man treated me like that, I would not care whether he was sleeping on the street. He would be out of my house and gone.

I suggest you do the Freedom Programme so you can set some boundaries in future relationships too.

@tenlittlecygnets
Just to clarify I have listened to everything everyone has replied to me ,
I am following everything they told me to do , they set a date I am holding him to it , I have a meeting on the 24th.

But what I will say it's so easy to sit there and judge me , And say I haven't set good examples but my children have good jobs one has a husband and a baby ,
My other daughter partner mistreated her and he was gone from day dot ( she doesn't suffer fools lightly ) they know right from wrong .( I have always been as honest as possible with my girls and told them be better then me , )

I have made the biggest mistake of my life from day one I know this and I have to live with this everyday , you haven't any idea how much I wish I could change things ,
But I need to look at the fact I wouldn't have my beautiful , kind , caring children ,without him ,
Yes they have had it shit but my older daughters and son would (and have said ) on many occasions they didn't realise what he was like , the difficulties we have faced much more recently are a progression in his behaviour ( he was never physical with any of them till recently) it was alway me it was at Mentally I carry this with me along with all my other baggage .

Thank you for all your wonderful help and advice , rest assured I am doing what I need to do pulling up my big girl pants and ending this chapter thanks again

[quote Idiotathome79]@tenlittlecygnets
Just to clarify I have listened to everything everyone has replied to me ,
I am following everything they told me to do , they set a date I am holding him to it , I have a meeting on the 24th.

But what I will say it's so easy to sit there and judge me , And say I haven't set good examples but my children have good jobs one has a husband and a baby ,
My other daughter partner mistreated her and he was gone from day dot ( she doesn't suffer fools lightly ) they know right from wrong .( I have always been as honest as possible with my girls and told them be better then me , )

I have made the biggest mistake of my life from day one I know this and I have to live with this everyday , you haven't any idea how much I wish I could change things ,
But I need to look at the fact I wouldn't have my beautiful , kind , caring children ,without him ,
Yes they have had it shit but my older daughters and son would (and have said ) on many occasions they didn't realise what he was like , the difficulties we have faced much more recently are a progression in his behaviour ( he was never physical with any of them till recently) it was alway me it was at Mentally I carry this with me along with all my other baggage .

Thank you for all your wonderful help and advice , rest assured I am doing what I need to do pulling up my big girl pants and ending this chapter thanks again

[/quote]
Fair enough, but if the relationship has been over for years, why has it taken social services getting involved to end it? Surely it would have been much better for all of you if you or he had left years ago. The atmosphere must have been toxic, which is bound to affect your dc.

@tenlittlecygnets
If you had read my previous waffle , I started the process myself before Xmas when I realised how bad it was ( I had been off sick from work since Oct previous working manic hours ) , up until that stage I didn't know he was using the electric to threaten them with ( when I did I changed payment format), I hadn't been around for him to be horrible too but when I was he was awful , I went to the college , Gp splitz and community links for help and advice with getting him out , the social services have only just been involved, we had our first meeting in e 18th feb and the first contact on the 9th feb ,
He was going to be leaving with it without there input , the fact they are involved makes it easier as the authority is behind me if you like .

@tenlittlecygnets and just to add your a thousand % right it would of been better to leave years ago , but hindsight's strength , confidence is something I struggle with .

@Idiotathome79 much strength to you.
My mother was a social worker and I do remember her saying to me that kids always still ask for the people who are abusing them. Even if it makes no sense to adults. What she found heartbreaking was knowing the kid was going back to someone who was emotionally abusive (or other) and the kid was begging for them.

Your kids want a relationship with their dad because it's what they've known. They know nothing else.

You know this. I know it's hard. I left an abusive partner too. I know it's so difficult. But please do remember that as the adult, whatever the kids say, you do know he is bad for them. This is wise.

I wish you all the strength in the world in getting rid of this foul waste of a man from your life. You and your children deserve more.