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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The loneliest place is an unhappy marriage.

53 replies

Foward · 13/02/2021 23:07

I have been lonely for years.

OP posts:
cravingthelook · 13/02/2021 23:09

I agree. You don't need to stay. You might still be lonely on your own, but you will have options for making new friends if you make a change.
I'm still lonely sometimes- but it's by choice so it's ok.

Woebegonad · 13/02/2021 23:09

Flowers want to talk about it?

Ladybird69 · 13/02/2021 23:11

I agree. I’d spend my drive ‘home’ crying, I didn’t want to go to my own home.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/02/2021 23:12

Yep.

I was so miserable and it sapped so much of my energy that I left because I knew if I didn’t go that day I wouldn’t have enough left in me to go the day after.

That night I slept properly for the first time in a year, stayed on a sofa for a while then got my own (tiny shit hole) flat, made it my home, life got better and I haven’t felt lovely since.

I hope you can find a way to leave Flowers

Original poster
Foward · 13/02/2021 23:34

I'm nearly there thankfullySmile

OP posts:
Holothane · 13/02/2021 23:35

Agreed my first was like this, especially the last few years.

Original poster
Foward · 13/02/2021 23:39

I think people assume that you are busy doing stuff together but that's not always the case. Together nearly 30 years do absolutely nothing together but unfortunately forced to stay living together for now. Just going through the divorce process takes so long especially in these times. I'm hanging on on in there but it is soul destroying & getting harder. I can't stand the sight of him such a nasty man & he drains every ounce of my energy with his negativity, mood swings, arguments & temper tantrums. Great to be able to vent here.

OP posts:
bombastical · 13/02/2021 23:51

I hear you. I feel invisible most of the time and not sure how I ended up here

Hailtomyteeth · 13/02/2021 23:56

I remember.

Keep venting, OP, or just chat. It will pass. And it's nowhere near as lonely when you're on your own.

EarthSight · 14/02/2021 00:08

So sad. I assume he wasn't always like this? When did his behaviour worsen? Is he like this in front of other people?

dottiedaisee · 14/02/2021 00:15

Bless you...just keep venting.Are you safe ?

Dogatetheleftovers · 14/02/2021 00:35

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. Everyone deserves to be happy. 💐

pheonixrebirth · 14/02/2021 00:36

Please don't give up, you are nearly there.
I truly thought that the loneliness and pain were going to kill me.
Once I was out- oh my god!! The relief was palpable! The joy of waking up every day was immense. I was deliriously happy!
You will get your life back and please believe me-it's worth it!

Original poster
Foward · 14/02/2021 00:38

I suppose he was always like this but I was very young & naive. It was really when the children came along I saw his selfishness. He has never pulled his wait. Always puts himself first. He is a very angry man. I could take him but nasty to me but when he started being nasty to my children that's when I called time. I can't wait to get away from him & all his drama. All I want is peace. He is abusive in everyway. It comes naturally to him. He was the same with his siblings growing up. I used to be afraid of him & his outbursts & thumping walls & presses but I am no longer afraid of him. At this stage it's all about money with him. What hurts the most is the fact that he is willing to continue in this situation because it suits him but absolutely no regard for my wishes. He couldn't care less how I feel or what I want or the children's unhappiness. It's all about him. Thank God for the law or I would be stuck here forever & even with the law it is taking forever. I will never look back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foward · 14/02/2021 00:40

No he is not like this in front of other people he puts on a good show. It's cringeworthy to listen to him thd perfect father & husband in his own head. He is so short tempered with the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foward · 14/02/2021 00:40

*weight

OP posts:
Original poster
Foward · 14/02/2021 00:42

@pheonixrebirth can you tell me how you physical got there in the end. I can't work it out in my head.

OP posts:
ajs8 · 14/02/2021 01:27

You must of loved him once to get married and have children with him. I’m sorry he is nasty to you and the children, be strong, pack your bags and leave. There are people and organisations that will help you. But I completely disagree that the loneliest place is in an unhappy marriage. You have your beautiful children. There are people out there right now that are completely on their own and have nobody, are stuck in their homes with nobody to talk to or interact with.

Original poster
Foward · 14/02/2021 03:08

@ajs8 it's a different kind of lonely. I wasn't just talking about now. It is very hard to explain it to someone who hasn't experienced it. Of course my children bring me huge joy & I love them dearly but he is a huge thorn in my side. At the moment it feels like my life is on hold as I don't have any say. I am looking forward to having my independence back. I don't hate him but I don't like him. Possibly loved him once but certainly don't now after all he has put me through over the years.

OP posts:
OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 14/02/2021 03:36

@ajs8

You must of loved him once to get married and have children with him. I’m sorry he is nasty to you and the children, be strong, pack your bags and leave. There are people and organisations that will help you. But I completely disagree that the loneliest place is in an unhappy marriage. You have your beautiful children. There are people out there right now that are completely on their own and have nobody, are stuck in their homes with nobody to talk to or interact with.
It can be lonelier living with someone who treats you with no respect and contributes nothing to your everyday life than being on your own.

OP will still have her DC when she leaves, but she will be able to live as a whole being, not as 4/5 responsibility of a supposed couple.

I’m sorry if you are struggling, but misery top trumps helps no one, there are different kinds of loneliness.

HereIAmOnceAgain · 14/02/2021 04:32

I feel more alone and cut off when DH is here, than when it's just me and the kids. I love my kids so much, but it's not the same as having friends or a supportive partner who loves you. My DC are all under 10, there's a world of things you shouldn't talk to them about. You're there to support them, to care for them. Living with someone who once loved you and now treats you as if your worthless is it's own different kind of lonely hell

ajs8 · 14/02/2021 04:39

I am not struggling personally so please don’t assume that, I find that quite offensive that you think I am playing misery top trumps! I am talking about others. OP can leave this situation if she really wants to, as I said in my previous post there are organisations that can help her and her children leave.

ajs8 · 14/02/2021 04:42

I would also like to add that OP has a choice to leave but has not so far!

Crockof · 14/02/2021 04:47

@ajs8

I am not struggling personally so please don’t assume that, I find that quite offensive that you think I am playing misery top trumps! I am talking about others. OP can leave this situation if she really wants to, as I said in my previous post there are organisations that can help her and her children leave.
I think its offensive to tell someone on the relationship board to basically get over themselves because others have it worse. There are different types of lonely and being lonely in a marriage is pretty shit.
AngelicPP · 14/02/2021 04:51

[quote Foward]@ajs8 it's a different kind of lonely. I wasn't just talking about now. It is very hard to explain it to someone who hasn't experienced it. Of course my children bring me huge joy & I love them dearly but he is a huge thorn in my side. At the moment it feels like my life is on hold as I don't have any say. I am looking forward to having my independence back. I don't hate him but I don't like him. Possibly loved him once but certainly don't now after all he has put me through over the years.[/quote]
People like that just wear you down though don't they? But by bit until you finally notice it's happening and has been for a while and you start to resent them if you didn't already and then you realise what they've actually worn down is every teeny piece of love you ever had for them! Sit tight and soon you will be out the other side and you will feel like a weight has been lifted...because well it has!! When you feel particularly low just remind yourself of everything you will do and enjoy when you are away from him and how happy you and your kids will all be. It's hard waiting but knowing that sometime soon it will actually be your reality should help you at your lowest times. Good luck 🤞