The loneliest place is an unhappy marriage.

[Foward]

I have been lonely for years.

I agree OP - it's far more lonely than living on your own is.

I remember it well. There’s a world of difference between feeling lonely and the joyful tranquility of being alone.

@Foward

I'm nearly there thankfully

Me too. I’m telling him end of March that we are separating. It will be under the same roof for a while but I’ve been in indecision for over 2 years. I’m so lonely. And also want to create my own future

I hear you OP and so glad that for you and your kids you are getting out.

Once you are out you will get your life back, I remember feeling so stuck and that it would never end,but it did. Loneliness when in a relationship with someone who should be there for you is horrendous, much better off without him.Good luck

Hear you OP. I'm married to someone with v little empathy. He masked it well. Then I didn't believe what I was seeing/hearing when he mask started to come off and believed it was because if I'd done something wrong. It's been years I've been waiting for a divorce. It's not always so simple as "Just contact organisations and you can leave". Sadly. My marriage has ruined my life. Altered who I am to such an extent I'm not sure I will ever be able to have an intimate relationship again - which isn't a huge issue because I can't imagine ever wanting one either!

Loneliness

• There's lonely because you're alone and would like to be around others, but aren't.

• There's also lonely when you're in a big group but have no close friends and everybody else seems to.

• There's lonely when you're single and everybody else is partnered up and you wish you were too.

In all of those occasions, you still exist to the people around you, your humanity remains intact, even though you feel like SHIT.

• Then there's lovely when everybody thinks you're with a great partner, but when you're alone you don't exist. In order to ignore someone, you actually have to acknowledge they exist. It's not about being ignored. It's about basically not even featuring. You're a service human. You can be talking and the person just walks out the room like you've not said anything. Or they just start talking over you about something unrelated, like the sounds coming out your mouth weren't and your moving mouth hadn't been. No hugs, no "how are you" or "how was your day" - or if there is, the only answer possible is "fine". No kindness, because you're not actually a person, you're like a robot there to fulfil their needs, whatever they are in that moment. Meanwhile, everybody tells you you're lucky to have such a great DP.

That type of loneliness turns you into a shell.

I used to get quite tearful driving back home.

@aweegc - your last paragraph is spot on. All the interruptions, the walking out while you’re speaking, the asking of your opinions (occasionally) and then taking no notice of them. And then being required to listen about their day...

It’s like the boiling frog analogy... the water slowly heats up until you can bear it no more.

@Foward - there is a wealth of great advice on MN, so you’re in the right place.

I agree it's incredibly lonely. I can't count the amount of nights I used to lay and cry myself to sleep next to my ex husband.

I left two years ago and although it's been a tough painful and difficult ride, I've been in an infinitely better place and happier.

I hope you have the strength to build a new happy life for yourself

Thank you all for your wise words it gives me alot of encouragement. I'm trying to do this for the last 5 years. Life's responsibilities got in the way. I am not a lonely person I love my own company. It's just the struggle of not being the real you. I hid my unhappiness for years & just got on with it. But when the children started to suffer with his temper I knew I had to do something. Also sometimes things would be calm & you'd think great but then then the outbursts would start again. I have told a few friends & their support really helps.

Hey @Foward , I think the only way to describe getting through it physically is that I essentially grieved the relationship before I actually called time on it.

The scariest part of it was telling him and what the fallout would be. He too was all about outward appearances so he couldn't be to much of a bastard to me because he wanted people around us to feel sorry for him 🤦‍♀️.

Once the wheels were in motion my mind only thought about my future with my children, the places we could go, things we would do, how I was going to decorate our new home. It can feel like forever getting there but you will have the world at your feet.

What I will say though is that he relished seeing me tip toe around him walking on eggshells, but once I had ended it I no longer allowed his moods to dictate mine. I would ignore and crack on with whatever I was doing, as happy as a lark. That pissed him off no end.

And funnily enough when we split officially, the amount of friends and family who said they knew what he was like and how he had dragged me down. I really thought I had hidden it well-clearly not!

And this will sound corny as hell but I watched the labyrinth, and at the end she says "you have no power over me", I used that line as a kind of mantra. It made me feel invincible and in control of me. Bit mad but it got me through and kept me focused.
You will get through this, just keep reading all the inspirational stories on here, we women can do anything.💐💪😊

Well done you for making the move.
I’m still living the lonely life. I’ve chosen to stay where I’m financially better off, and the kids aren’t upset.
I’m not really lonely as I’ve got the kids and my chums at work. But I’d like a husband who I love, not one who’s on antidepressants so can’t come, and drinks a bottle of wine a night.

Dinosaur Diana

re your comments in quote marks:-
"I’m still living the lonely life. I’ve chosen to stay where I’m financially better off, and the kids aren’t upset".

Do not stay because of money; that's no reason to stay. I would also think the kids are picking up on all the vibes at home, both spoken and unspoken, here between you and your H. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. That burying your head in the sand is ok?. Stating that you're really living the lonely life but you are not really lonely in a further sentence?. C'mon what sort of existence is that for you, that is not living at all. How would you feel if your kids were in a marriage like this, you'd be horrified for both them and yourself for showing them such a model. One day you will retire and your kids will leave home. If you and he are still together then what then for you?.

"I’m not really lonely as I’ve got the kids and my chums at work. But I’d like a husband who I love, not one who’s on antidepressants so can’t come, and drinks a bottle of wine a night".

You can still have such a man. You do not have to stay with your husband that you no longer love, the fact that you are unhappy is enough reason. You're choosing to stay with him currently at least for your own reasons. Take responsibility for your own happiness and do not be afraid to move forward with your life. You only get one shot at this life after all.

Watching this thread and reading all the helpful perspectives, people’s experiences etc.
I feel for anyone who is trapped in lockdown in a loveless relationship. I feel like this too. Sometimes I feel full of motivation to begin planning my exit. The next moment I feel absolutely stuck, miserable and an immense wall of feeling against me, rooted in this mess.
Things have taken a very downward spiral since I was forbidden from meeting a friend for a walk. My husband argues he’s ‘high risk’ but from everything I’ve researched he is not. He also drinks excessively, at least 1 bottle of wine a night. I calculated he’s up to nearly 100 units some weeks and yet he says my walking outside at a distance is posing a great threat to his health?! Ludicrous isn’t it?! Stonewalled me since we disagreed and I anticipate he thinks I’ll just forget this latest incident or something. I won’t. I want out too but seem to lack strength to do it.
Trying to take things a day at a time and focus on what I can do in that day rather than what I can’t.
Here’s to all the lonely people out there, especially today when it feels like idealised romanticism is everywhere! ❤️

The big difference on being lonelyxwithin a marriage to being lonely ‘single’ is that in marriage, unless both parties are fully aware of how the other feels , then you are obliged to spend your life making compromises and spending huge amounts of time with someone , when you would rather be doing something else- and I actually think that’s harder in many ways than being single where you are free to find ways to be less lonely.

Wise words yetmorecrap, it's exhausting wearing that mask day in, day out. At least being alone, you don't have to take anything. Authenticity is greatly underappreciated.

"take" should be "fake".

I agree- playing the part is bloody tedious and draining and let’s face it a lot of people judging by posts on here are still in marriages that are less than 100% , but one party to it is somewhat oblivious/unaware - that’s a lonely place to be

I was in a relationship like this. Never wanted to spend time with me ever. Went to bed each night alone. Woke up each day alone. When my babies were little i would go days without speaking to another living soul. He never ever helped or lifted a finger to parent or help me, even if I was ill. He wouldnt even give me a lift in the car. There was no warmth, affection or kindness. People dont react to you the way they do to some who lives alone, they have no idea what its like to live with another person who doesnt even want to acknowledge you exist. It destroys you. I was way way way happier when he left, as I wasnt looking at him and praying for just a glimmer of warmth or kindness. I was alone, and that was fine. Ive never got over that relationship and how damaging it was.

I'm not sure - loneliness is not a competition.

I dropped my DD back at her university rented accommodation today and I've returned to an empty house. Working from home with no prospect of anyone ever walking into the room. It's all on me to book walks with friends to have any company.

My widower Dad is 91 and completely on his own after 50 years of marriage. I'm his only visitor.

It's not that I would ever want to return to my redundant marriage and faithless XH.

But it's still fucking lonely. On my own in lockdown.

Bouledeneige, you're quite right too I think. The two aren't really comparable. I feel though that being lonely alone would leave me with more control over myself, rather than second guessing everything and hoping to avoid the pitfalls.

That doesn't make it any less lonely for those who are alone though. Its like saying which is better losing an arm or a leg. Both a pretty devastating!

I'm so sorry that so many of us feel like this. Me too. And no matter how much the weight of the situation is piled on, it never feels enough to break you, and you carry on, knowing that you absolutely don't want to. I can imagine the relief of dropping the weight, but still I can't seem to find the will to get there. I actually bought dh a valentine's card last night, just in case he got one for me, and I didn't want to cause any kind of scene in front of the kids. The one I bought I didn't think to read the inside until I'd got out of the shop, and it said, "you're amazing and I love you." Well, he's not, and I don't. So I went and bought another. In the end, thankfully he didn't get me one, and we've gone about our day as normal, doing separate things, not talking, not even looking at each other. I feel utterly invisible and very lonely. Not that I want attention from him, far from it. But I do want it from someone. I've got my boys, and the love between us is enormous, but it's no substitute for loving a partner and being loved by a partner. I know what I have to do to give myself the chance, but when I'll do it, who knows. I lay awake last night (on the edge of the bed, uncomfortable, listening to him snoring) imagining a painting I would love to be able to do to describe my feelings. It would be me carrying heavy bags, trying to keep several plates spinning, while a balloon floats away just out of reach and all I can do is watch it go while I struggle with the bags and the plates. I lay there crying, which might be ridiculous, but that's how I feel. I always cry in the car when I get a few minutes away, and I never look forward to going home. It's no life, but as I say, the incentive to change things never seems quite big enough. Hope you're all ok x

I always live in hope that someday this will end. If I didn't have that hope I would crack up. He is so difficult at the moment he would argue with himself. I am holding it together because I have my children & friends. I got a bunch of flowers delivered to the door today from one of my friends & it was such a lovely thing to do I couldn't thank her enough. This valentines day I felt I was ond step further because he didn't buy my a card or flowers it was great. Usually an act would be out on, denial of our situation & it was unbearable year after year. He's a scary, contrary man & he will soon be a scary, contrary, lonely man all thanks to himself. If he had only given a little bit this would not be happening.

For me it was about choosing not to bury my head in the sand any more and truly accepting my marriage was over. Once I had done that I found it easier. Everyone is different but I was so lonely that I also cut myself off from other people as I felt ashamed and different to all the happy families around me.. as if I had a secret.

I now have real companionship from my (second) dh and am a much more open, happy person. Thinking of you op

I am so sorry that there are so many women out there who are in a similar situation to the OP. I was in the same place 3 years ago and reading the comments/replies glad that I mustered the courage to seperate. Plan your exit and live for yourself. My children now live with a mother who is strong and independent. I did stay a little bit longer for the sake of the kids but for the sake of my mental health there was no way I could continue living this lie. No more walking on eggshells from an unpredictable man. In the 3 years I have been single I have never felt so loved and full of life in the 23 years I was with him. I have slowly discovered the real me and all the things I enjoyed before they got suppressed. I don't get lonely as my time is filled with sports and new hobbies. At night I love having the bed to myself, no one to rant at why are you doing this and that. It might just be me but I do like spending time on my own. It might be just the relief from not having to live my old life but I just wanted others to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am so much happier now and a better person for it.

@ajs8 you obviously & luckily have never experienced an abusive relationship & the fear it can instill on you. It can happen the best of people. For years you cannot work out how to get out when your every move is controlled down to questioning you what you eat. I work fulltime have done for the last 30 years look after very elderly patents & raring children against adversity. I have been trapped so busy trying to keep things going. Things are getting easier now children older, parents told of the situation I older & wiser & more in control not as afraid & determined to get my life back. I have know intention of leaving my own home & pulling me children out of the family home. I have paid the mortgage for the last 18 years. He will be leaving not me or we can sell it.