I'm in shock - after almost 5 years together boyfriend has told me he has never been in love with me

[Teatimes2]

I posted recently about my relationship but there has been developments since as I told him recently I have been feeling like just someone he's fond of and good fun to hang out with. He basically agreed, said he's not in love with me, never has been but thinks a lot of me. He'd been hoping things would change for him but they haven't and that's why he let it drag on so long. I'm heartbroken and shocked. He's never told me he loves me before but he told me he's not good at expressing his emotions and I assumed that although he didn't say it, he must love me after all this time. We've never lived together, we're not young, no children. We're each other's longest relationship. He's had many previous, I haven't.

This only happened yesterday. Still trying to process it. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I'd appreciate any advice. Thanks

So sorry to hear this op. Unfortunately this does happen, we have friends where he doesn't love her, fond of her yes, friends with her yes, fancy her I think so but doesn't love her. I've also known this with other couples, always the man settling out of convenience and laziness. I've met people, realised the spark wasn't there, noticed they've been falling for me and ended it before the damage is done.. it's cruel to do otherwise. Unfortunately some men will just settle. It's a shock, but you will get over it in time. I too advise no contact, otherwise it will take longer.

OP,

Its over and you will get over this.

He doesn't care for you so you were wasting time with him.

Better to know.

Please talk some sense into me. We're now 8 weeks no contact and I was doing relatively okay until I noticed, while going to text someone else on Whatsapp, that his profile pic was gone and can't see when he was last online, so he's either removed me from his contacts or changed his settings for everyone. I honestly haven't looked in the last month, so he could have done it any time since then. This has upset me no end and I can't explain why... I suppose it's so final, even though I'd no intention of going back there. I'm being ridiculous, aren't I?

Sounds like He’s blocked you .
If you weren’t in his contacts you would still be able to see those things .

He might have blocked you but that's OK because you don't need to talk to him anyway.

Delete and block him from all forms of social media and delete his phone number. If you allow yourself to get sucked into wondering what he's up to then you'll keep opening up old wounds.

It's shit but you just have to plod on through and eventually, you'll stop thinking about him.

So here I am 4 months on and thought I'd post about how I'm feeling now. First off, all these comments have been a huge help to me and I've read back over them when I'm feeling a bit low.
I cried for the first 10 weeks or so, now have gotten a bit angry really. I haven't seen him, there's been no contact. I feel a bit down again only the last couple of days. I think this is because the hobby club we met in has resumed and I'm not going back... it would actually make me feel worse, so I'm doing what's right for me. I've also had a couple of sessions of counselling which have helped, opened my eyes to the fact that he was selfish in many ways, had a somewhat superior attitude.

I suppose what I'm asking is, although I'm feeling a lot stronger, is it normal to still have wobbles after 4 months?

Perfectly normal OP. However, the wobbles should decrease and fade in time. Treat yourself well. New clothes? Hair?

We'll be out of restrictions in a few weeks. Make plans for outings, new hobbies etc;

Be your own best friend.

@Teatimes2

So here I am 4 months on and thought I'd post about how I'm feeling now. First off, all these comments have been a huge help to me and I've read back over them when I'm feeling a bit low. I cried for the first 10 weeks or so, now have gotten a bit angry really. I haven't seen him, there's been no contact. I feel a bit down again only the last couple of days. I think this is because the hobby club we met in has resumed and I'm not going back... it would actually make me feel worse, so I'm doing what's right for me. I've also had a couple of sessions of counselling which have helped, opened my eyes to the fact that he was selfish in many ways, had a somewhat superior attitude.

I suppose what I'm asking is, although I'm feeling a lot stronger, is it normal to still have wobbles after 4 months?

Keep in mind that someone's ability to "fall in love" with a person has really little to do with the second person and everything to do with the first person and how far they can be in touch with their own loving feelings.

Not surprising that your ex had many relationships that didn't develop.

It's tempting to think "oh if I were more like this, or more like that, he would have fallen love with me. I just wasn't good enough".

For some people falling in love - with all that it means in terms of dependence on another, it's terrifying. Better not to love and keep your own heart safe inside your own body.

He can have a narrative - ah, it was such a shame - @Teatimes2 fell for me but I just didn't for her - such a pity! I really hoped it would happen but alas it didn't ...

That way he can avoid having to know about his own love and dependence.

In short don't take it personally.

Good luck.

Many years ago at university I was in a relationship with a man who out of the blue said "he loved me but he wasn't IN love with me" and "he had feelings for a girl he was studying with but he was confused"

• so you know the score.

I assumed he was a dickhead, particularly when he had a massive flouncy fit about me keeping a diary in which I disclosed having a crush on someone else altogether. Literally, massive poety "I cannot EAT for THINKING ABOUT THIS", the twat.

Fast forward twenty years and I get a message from this fool saying he'd found some old photos and did I want them back. I reply, as one does, thank you so much, would be lovely, hope you are well. And get this reply telling me that apparently I broke his heart and he will never forgive me, never contact him again.

Honestly OP I think you dodged a bullet. I imagine your particular bugger is going about telling people that he was dumped out of the blue and he doesn't understand what he did wrong.

Totally normal after 5 years together. You might even get wobbles years down the line, but it won't be painful and you know you are doing what is right for you. What a bellend stringing you along for all that time!

OP, I'm sorry you are still feeling wobbly. This happened to me, except that we'd been married for 5 years and together for 8 when he said he didn't think he'd ever loved me. I was absolutely ripping furious that he'd wasted all those years of my life and I told him there and then that I would be leaving him as soon as I'd sorted out arrangements and to expect divorce proceedings. I'm still angry, and this was 20 years ago now! It's left me with a deep mistrust of men. These things run deep, so do give yourself time to grieve, for the relationship you lost and also the years you lost.

Thanks @ DianeCherry. Like you, it would make me wary about another relationship in case the same happened again, although I'd never let something go on as long next time without knowing for sure how he felt.

I'm 5 months on from breakup now. We've had no contact. Although I'm not crying much anymore, I feel incredibly flat and numb and I'm getting no enjoyment from anything. Although not as much, I still think about the relationship and breakup and the possibility of him meeting someone else. When I'm meeting family and friends I put a smile on my face and don't say how I'm really feeling because I don't want them to think I'm going on about it 5 months later. I don't feel like socialising much either, but am forcing myself.

Can anyone else relate to how I'm feeling?

Be kind to yourself. It takes time to get over a relationship. Keep yourself active and keep seeing your friends. No one expects you to be chipper all the time!

I just read your posts on here abd I think you have conducted yourself with dignity, poise and grace. Please be proud. This is a very difficult experience to go through but you have handled yourself like a BOSS.

It’s time to focus on you and your life:

Set some goals,
get lots of exercise,
eat super super healthy,
take all the vitamins,
read books that make you feel like RAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

It’s a bummer about COVID because travelling now would give you a real lift. There’s a wonderful Edna St Vincent Millay poem: ”Praise be to God, the World is Wide and I going far from Home. And I’ll Forget in Camelot the man I loved in Rome.”

You need to restore and replenish yourself and your own life. Loving that unavailable man kept you distracted from yourself for 5 years. A part of you might miss the distraction. The other part of you - your soul - is crying out to be nurtured.

Make 2021 - there’s still time! - the Year of You.

What’s your biggest, most scary, dream? Take one step towards that. Even if it’s just a teeny tiny baby step.

Action cheers you up.

I'm so sorry for the pain you're in right now.

I had three longterm boyfriends before I met my husband. In each relationship I think I loved them more than they loved me.

My husband adores me. It's a wonderful, happy thing to be in relationship where we adore each other and put each other first. It's worth waiting for.

I hope that now you're free of this unloving man, you end up in a marriage like mine, full of joy

Just saw your update. It would take a good year to get over a relationship of a few years. It's so hard. But you'll get there.

Thanks for the reassurance that's its okay to still not feel completely over the whole experience at this stage. I'm just annoyed at myself for still feeling this way when I know he's well used to dumping people and getting on with his life. I just feel stuck and very low, even though I would never take him back.

Also, we met in a running club and although I've decided not to go back because I feel this is the right decision to help me get over him, It's was a part of my life for 11 years so I suppose that's also an adjustment and something I'm missing

Ugh, awful that you’ve lost your running club too. Are you sure he’s still going?

Maybe time for a new running group. Parkrun starts back up on Saturday so that could be a lovely focus for this week if you like going.

@ThatOtherPoster: I found your post so very helpful and inspiring. I’m in a different place to op but it’s resonated so much with me! Thx.

I really don't feel like joining another one at the moment. I'm forcing myself to get out for a run on my own, some days. Other days I can't be bothered.

Hi OP, you are going through a completely normal break up process. You will feel up and down, often when you least expect it. But you are making progress every day, and you will be over him in the very near future. What really helps me is making plans for the future and joining groups and making new friends. Are you able to join a new running group? If you are struggling to speak to anyone close to you, might you benefit from therapy?

This has brought back memories of a similar time in my life over20 years ago. I remember feeling lost, numb, angry low, and so sad that the future we or rather I had envisaged was now never going to happen. Takes a long time to get over and if I’m honest I still think v occasionally of those times together even though I am now married and a mum. I have bumped into him a couple of times and what pleased me was he was still single. You are on the road to feeling better and like PPs have said you deserve so much more. Do not put a time limit on it, keep busy, see friends and still cry and accept feeling down as it all part of getting over him. There are greater things to come x

@embolass That really helps, thank you. I'm really trying my best not to wallow and to annoy people by saying how I'm really feeling, so this advice is helpful. He'd probably laugh if he knew how I'm still not doing great, but I did love him and have missed him.