I'm in shock - after almost 5 years together boyfriend has told me he has never been in love with me

[Teatimes2]

I posted recently about my relationship but there has been developments since as I told him recently I have been feeling like just someone he's fond of and good fun to hang out with. He basically agreed, said he's not in love with me, never has been but thinks a lot of me. He'd been hoping things would change for him but they haven't and that's why he let it drag on so long. I'm heartbroken and shocked. He's never told me he loves me before but he told me he's not good at expressing his emotions and I assumed that although he didn't say it, he must love me after all this time. We've never lived together, we're not young, no children. We're each other's longest relationship. He's had many previous, I haven't.

This only happened yesterday. Still trying to process it. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I'd appreciate any advice. Thanks

I was in a similar situation - in relationship for 3.5 years. Spent a long time mulling over how anyone could stay with someone for so long and feel nothing for them. I'm in a much better place now... I decided one day I wasn't going to spend my precious time thinking about them anymore. It'll hurt for a while though x

He's full of shit OP, you simply don't stay with someone you don't love for 5 whole years.
Normally this is the clumsy blokes way of putting the blame on you so he doesn't feel like the bastard that he is.
He's probably had his head turned or some other nonsense.

So here I am almost a month on. I thought I was turning a corner last week and starting to feel stronger but I've spent the last 2 evenings crying my eyes out. Anyone been through similar, when did you start to feel better and how do I stop thinking about the relationship and what happened? It occupies all my thoughts still, even though I want it to stop.

I’m sorry Teatimes2

Have you gone through and read the thread again? Maybe pick out some gems of advice (and there are plenty here) and write them out. Stick them up where you can see them or store them in notes on your phone.

Change your focus. Focus on you. Give yourself a goal or set yourself a challenge.
💐

Bless you. It’s hard - you were together a long time. And everything feels worse at the moment anyway.

This isn’t conventional advice, but what helped me to recover from my last awful break-up was getting on Tinder! The idea was initially just to have something to distract me, and maybe meet someone for casual dating, but as it happened, rather against my will, I fell in love with the first one I met. We are still together now (he’s lovely). But even had that not happened, the distraction and ego boost would definitely have been good for me.

Look after yourself. It’s so hard. But that loser does not deserve your tears. Xxx

I went through this, after a year, so not so long but it still hurt like hell. I can imagine how you feel.

Now... important... this isn’t about YOU being sub par. This is about him and his inability to appreciate you.

He’s not the one for you. God knows he’s given it a go, but he’s not and it’s not bad bet for him to have ended it, but this is nowhere near good enough for you to stay. It will destroy you.

So eyes tits and teeth, best foot forward and move on. It will get easier

Never settle for anything less than being loved and loved completely

I’ve got that now and it’s amazing

I wish all this and more for you. Hold out till you get it

((Hug))

I think he your boyfriend is just using the I am not good at expressing my feelings,
as a excuse to attempt to validate his shit behaviour towards you.

Why on earth would he have stuck around with you so long if he was not really in love with you?
that's beyond emotional cruelty !

I think his excuse sounds seriously dodgy off fishy as hell.

Something has given him cold feet recently giving him a re think ?
But he is far too much of coward a man child wimp to say this too you earlier in a better way that he felt the relantship wasn't quite right for him

Have you been discussing talking about serious staff like what it be like to move into together, or buy property together or getting broody cause friends well a few of them at least are settling down starting a families or getting married and have you hinted that in near future or future you like to do the same thing with him then?

Oops sorry I ment to say have you been discussi/or hinting about serious stuff such as x y z etc then?

(Before he went seriously weird off with you then resulting in him saying that I am not good expressing my feelings ?

Something has given him the spook, (seriously spooked him

Has something quite major happened in his life or yours such as a family /or close friend bteavement in any way or has something else you can think off that could have had the potential to seriously unsettle him to such a extent that he might/felt the need to emotionally distance himself to get head space to reflect on the bigger picture /perspective etc then?

Just a random thought

Yes I have. My ex. Almost exactly the same. 5 years together and he refused to say he loved me and that I needed to “prove” why he should love me. After 5 years. I couldn’t understand it. I was heartbroken. I went no contact out of pride but was on my arse. Broken. It didn’t make any sense until a few months later I found out he’d been sleeping with somebody else and he was just too much of a coward to admit that’s what was really going on. He’s a coward or lazy. You don’t spend 5 years with somebody and have no feeling for them. Something else is going on. I picked myself up, signed up for a Uni course and through that made a new life. Start doing new and different things. This time next year he will be a bad memory

Oh OP that is awful.

In my experience of breakups after long relationships the healing process is never linear and you'll have good and bad days, but the more you start to focus on yourself and do things you love and remember you're an amazing person who deserves the best- the pain goes away.

And in a few weeks, months, years down the line you'll forget you ever felt this way because you'll have moved on and be truly happy with the stronger person you have become... without settling for a cock womble.

Hugs it does get better xxx

He has done you a favour. His loss, your gain.

Wow that's a harsh thing to say.

I mean I dont believe in that whole true love fairytale bs as I think its just about finding good company to have a laugh with and not want to strangle eachother after years together. But..
good company wouldn't kick you in the stones like that. Telling someone you dont love them after 5 years together is just cruel.

He clearly has contempt for you. That's not even friend material.

I'm so sorry OP, I think you have done the right thing. In terms of moving forward, it sounds like you are beyond useful processing. (although fair enough to grieve for longer) and now dwelling and ruminating over the relationship which is tiring and pointless. You need to find some enjoyable activities that require you to focus - a suduko, crossword, martial art, yoga, cross stitch, gardening, writing - and every time you notice yourself dwelling, tell yourself 'he's history, I am the story now' and move on to one of the activities. Gradually as you stop ruminating your head will have space for other thoughts. Also, watch comedies and emotional films to experience a range of emotions, and write a letter to yourself as if writing from five years time.

I do feel you are far better off without him in your life.

(I do think some relantships or people are not ment to be last in our lives for the long haul full term,

As I think sometimes we just outgrow relantships ,
and grow apart ,we stagnate if we just settle for something that is not good or right for ourselvels whether its cause its Toxic co dependency or not ,

You deserve a lot better than what this man has said to especially after being together so long.

Sometimes relantships do not work out
Its shit when it happens !

But I feel sense this relantship wasn't ment to last anyway.

This is one of those kinds of relantships which is a stepping stone to learning discovering that you deserve better

What I mean is this transisation phrase for you in your life

this man and this relantship was disjointed been seriously off the boil for some time now

You sensed it as you have got good gut emotion instinct

But you were too fearful, lacking in self cofindence to react to this feeling in the way that this feeling was telling you to move on.

This realantship symbolises that you need to believe in yourself a lot better and act according to this and not to let outsiders like family or friends sway you in any way
When you have a strong overwhelming gut emotion feelings about situations you are in, that do not feel right or are unsatisfied kind of feeling is overwhelming .

Know yourself better

And looking after your own interests first so you protect yourself such as does this feel right for me or will it benefit me in ways that will enhance my life be good for me is essential a key to your future happiness.

Do not think its selfish to think in that kind of way despite the brainwashing in society that expects women to put their emotional needs behind others instead.

Its dispiriting and emotionally damaging to deprive these natural feelings to fit in with what society expects

@rulerbirds

I get where, you are coming from

I agree I think that this man op boyfriend is a coward wimp

Its a poor shit excuse he has given op his quite standing girlfriend.

There is obviously a lot more behind what he saying or more to the point what he is not saying

Speaks volumes and it did cross my mind the same thing as you
that he could have had his head turned by someone else and has cheated on op or is thinking of doing this,
thinking the grass is greener syndrome,
and when things do not work out ,that way,
he will try back tracking saying it was just a blip/a out of character mistake on his part ,
doesn't everybody make mistakes type of thing,

If this happens in near future or future
do not fall for this kind of cock and bullshit peddale of lies
He is no good for you .!

Can I ask what he is doing now?
Has he moved on? Speaks to you occasionally? Seems to regret things?

Sorry you're still struggling, OP. I think it's so much harder right now with everything being closed - normally you'd be able to arrange a night out/in with friends, throw yourself into the gym, etc. Now you're stuck with your own thoughts and little to distract you.

My last LTR ended somewhat similarly, although we were living together (so that was extra hassle) but the bottom line was that he didn't love me - I was the "least worst option" and once he found someone he liked better, I was dumped. It's a horrible feeling because you end up questioning the entire relationship and kicking yourself for not seeing the truth sooner.

For me, thankfully it coincided with starting a new job, plus I had to move house, so that was a good distraction for me. I realised after about 2 months that I was no longer thinking about him all the time. I think it was about 6 months before I was really "over it".

I once heard someone say that the length of a relationship in years, multiple that by 2 and that's the number of months it takes the average person to feel fully over it and ready to date again. So if you were together 5 years, it will take about 10 months before you feel ready to get back out there (if thats what you want.) But that doesn't mean you will feel like you are now for all that time - it will gradually get better over time, until you have a day when you suddenly realise at bedtime that you haven't thought about him all day.

Is there anything you could do to put some distractions in your life right now? The RVS are still recruiting volunteers to help people with shopping, errands etc - is that something you could look into? Or maybe doing a free or cheap online course to keep your thoughts occupied? I learned Spanish at school but have neglected it for the last 20 years, so this January I started learning it again, with the aim of going to Latin America in 2022. And even if I don't end up going, I'm still keeping my mind occupied and learning things!

Keep on keeping on, this will get better, I promise

I would not waste any more of your time if someone doesn't love you.

I was in a similar position to you, when my partner of nearly five years told me he didn’t love me and never would. I was devastated and struggled for a while. I tried dating sites and that really made me sad!

A year and a half later I met my now DH and have DC. I’m so much happier and I know my ex did me a huge favour, as we weren’t very suited.

It will be very hard for awhile, but one day you’ll wake up and feel good about yourself and look forward to the future. Hang in there

You deserve so much better than that. Please dont waste anymore time with him. Let yourself be single right now, and eventually loved by the right man.

@Teatimes2

So here I am almost a month on. I thought I was turning a corner last week and starting to feel stronger but I've spent the last 2 evenings crying my eyes out. Anyone been through similar, when did you start to feel better and how do I stop thinking about the relationship and what happened? It occupies all my thoughts still, even though I want it to stop.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Why do people think they can do these things to other people? I don't love you, but I want to still contact you & meet up etc. No, fuck off! I hope he hasn't been trying to contact you.

I would love to know how to do this so I can pass it onto my ed. Her gf has just broken up with her after being off with her for a few weeks. Despite knowing about my eds disability since before they got together, she decided that actually she wants someone who can go on adventures with, and would my ed be open to, well, and open relationship! A week or so later, after no response to messages etc, an early morning text and it's all over. A few hours later she's saying when you've calmed down, we need to talk about returning each other's stuff! I am so mad on behalf of my ed, and I want to message this person, but I won't.

But anyway, I don't want to derail ops post, just hope to read of suggestions posters make to you that I can pass on to her to help her.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

He's full of shit OP, you simply don't stay with someone you don't love for 5 whole years. Normally this is the clumsy blokes way of putting the blame on you so he doesn't feel like the bastard that he is. He's probably had his head turned or some other nonsense.

A lot of men do stay with women they don't love or they know they don't ultimately want to marry. As others have said, facilitating a cosy live in set up for a man when there's no marital commitment is always going to be hugely risky for the woman because everything is in the man's favour.

There's no impetus for him to leave because he's getting a lot of benefit out of you with no legal responsibilities to you; convenient sex, shared financial costs, emotional support etc. A lot of men won't give that up so it's up to women to stop being doormats and only get into these situations after men commit.

This is really sad OP.

But you do deserve someone who puts you first and makes you feel adored (or at least loved!). I would cut him off completely so you won’t be tempted to go back to him, and you’ll find it harder to move on. Don’t waste a single second more of your precious life on this time waster.

Thanks everyone, your kind comments are really helping me. Feeling a bit better today. I've had no contact at all as I told him not to ring me any more when he asked me if I wanted him to when we last spoke a month ago. I don't intend to have any contact. I've been thinking how will I ever cope if I hear he's with someone else but will cross that bridge when it happens!

Whether he’s with someone else or not, he was always wrong for you and you at least now have space in your life for hope and change.

Please trust me, please never ever give up on being happy and loved.

Yeah you’ll have to dig deep, but it will be worth it in the end

I’m in my 50s, was 48 when I met my oh.

For the first time in both our lives we are each completely and utterly loved

And he’s been married twice before

I wish people knew that this existed so they would never settle for an abusive manipulative arse, or a complete bitch, or someone who is nice enough but just does not see the best of us because they don’t appreciate us for who we are.