My OH doesn’t want another baby

[mummyof12019]

Hi, first time posting and hoping for a bit of advice/ support/ shared experiences and opinions.

My DD is 16 months old, my husband and I are FTM. Our marriage wasn’t amazing prior to getting pregnant but since my DD has been born things have gone from bad to worse.

We constantly argue (daily) and can’t seem to agree on anything. We don’t have any shared interests really and I don’t feel my OH wants to spend any time with me.

He’s WFH due to COVID (has been since March). I went back to work when my DD was 6 months old to complete my nursing degree. I worked full time nights, still breastfeeding, writing a dissertation and my husband looked after her whilst working from home whilst I slept inbetween night. It’s been really stressful.

We haven’t had any time to ourselves outside parents since she’s been born. Of an evening when we do have time I’m exhausted and he’s the same. He spends his time gaming or on his phone and I tend to hide away upstairs because I just can’t face another argument.

We’ve been talking a lot more recently about our relationship in general. I would like another baby. Not not, because well, it’s been rough. All that’s happened as mentioned above but I also have PND/ anxiety and OCD. So, my MH has been awful .

My husband told me last night he does not want anymore children. Well, not anymore- just no more with me.
If I want another baby then I will have to leave him and find someone else. He wouldn’t rule out another baby- just not with me.

So as you can probably tell, I’m a state. I don’t know what to do.

I can’t go anywhere as I’m financially reliant on him. Plus, we’re in the mists of lockdown. He’s a wonderful father and I can’t do that to my daughter. It would be selfish of me to leave him and uproot my daughter. I can’t do that. I love him.

But at the same time, the thought of never having another baby. Not ever holding my own newborn of giving birth. My DD not having a sibling. I can’t bare it.

I’m just heartbroken and trying to come to terms with what he’s told me. I didn’t sleep at all last night thinking about it all. I have no one to talk to as all of my friends have their own stuff going on and don’t want to be burdened with my drama, so here I am!

Thank you for reading and any advice would be appreciated x

Why would you want to bring another child into this unhappy relationship?

A few things to unpack here.

First as already mentioned, why would you want to bring a child into a bad relationship.

It is possible that the current stressful covid situation is making your relationship worse than it is. It is possible that it could improve, but both of you need to want this.

The biggest issue is him ruling out another child with you, but not another child. Is he already planning on leaving you? It's a strange thing to say. You need to speak to him about this first and foremost.

Sounds like a bad idea to me given what you've said. We had our second a year ago and it's been tough. We have 2.5yrs between them. Having 2 is so much harder than I expected but also not helped with lockdown etc. We are arguing a lot more mainly about who's doing what, who is more tiered yada yada. I believe it will get better we are both just finding it tough just now.

Prior to second baby our relationship was very gd and prior to first baby it was amazing. Having kids puts more strain on your relationship and probably the nails in the coffin for urs.

You argue constantly. Sort that out before you (not both of you, just you) even think about another baby.

I say this in a kind way but I get where he’s coming from; I wouldn’t want to bring a child into the relationship you’ve just described and to be honest having another would just make it harder for you to leave. I think you and your DH need to make a decision of whether you work on your relationship and put the idea of another baby on the back burner to think about say in a years time or do you find a way to leave and be happy whether that’s with a new man and future children or just by yourself.
Having a baby put a lot of pressure on mine and DHs relationship particularly for the first 6-12 months; we came back out of it and felt confident enough to have another baby and again it put a lot of pressure on us that we’re only coming out of now a year later. We got through it a second time because we knew that we’d come through it but if we hadn’t ever got back to being good before DC2 then I Don’t think we’d have done it

I think your partner is being very sensible. I'm rather surprised you had a first baby considering your marriage wasn't great at the time, why did you both agree that the time was right if your relationship was already struggling?

I suggest reading your post, imagining it is another woman recounting this.
You hide in another room,
you also have PND/ anxiety and OCD. So, your MH has been awful .
I was going to carry on underlining the problems, but actually I would just have to copy & paste your post.
Your desire for another baby is not compatible with a partnership that sounds like its about to fail. Sorry, How do you feel about bringing up 2 children as a single parent ? If you got RP, (uncertain) as this is what it comes down to.

So what is your plan? A new baby does not make an already bad relationship better. You will be even more reliant on him financially and less likely able to leave. So you want to be miserable and arguing your entire life?

Neither of you are being great parents at the moment if you’re having daily arguments. That’s a toxic environment for your child to have to live in.

Did you think a baby would make your previously bad marriage better only to discover you don’t like each other and it’s not far worse? Why would you even consider bringing about child into the picture?

Your existing baby deserves happier parents far more than she needs her unhappy parents to stay together. She doesn’t need a sibling more than a harmonious home.

Are you getting the right help for your mental health problems?

You're describing a really really tough period of time. Nothing you have mentioned here sounds permanent to me (having come through similar) so much as a symptom of how tough things have been.
Work on getting on your feet as a couple and as an individual first. Then you can take stock in a year.
Your transition as from a couple to parents (along with global pandemic and embarking on nursing career - epic!) Was traumatic in some ways (as well as creating a wonderful person), so it's not unreasonable if he feels the way he does. Thank goodness he is being honest. His feelings are valid.
Hear what he's saying and appreciate where he's coming from. Let him know you found it traumatic too.
Spend some time healing that together and individually. Only then can the next step honestly be taken, whatever that next step may be.

I think your partner has the right idea.

And tbh describing the relationship you have I don’t particularly think he’s in the wrong talking about maybe having another baby with someone else. He knows your marriage is in a bad place. He must have considered the possibility of it ending just as you have. And tbh it doesn’t sound as if either of you are in the wrong re your relationship issues, it’s just that it’s not a happy marriage.

You shouldn’t bring a baby into an already unhappy marriage, and your DD really doesn’t need a sibling, but maybe that will happen in the future either for one or both of you....

This is a tough situation OP, be kind to yourself.

It sounds like your relationship could benefit from some work before you make a final decision about any more children? Would you be open to some marriage counselling eg Relate? (A lot are happening online at the moment).

I can also highly recommend The Marriage Course if you would both be open to it. It is a series of videos made by a church focusing on relationships, communication etc. It's been used by a lot of couples and I've found it really helpful.

It sounds like you shouldn’t be with him, definitely shouldn’t be having any more children with him

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP. But unfortunately it really doesn’t sound like you’re in a good place for another baby if things aren’t going well in your relationship. Having another baby will put even more strain on you both and it’s not fair to bring a baby into that situation and not fair on your DD. Focus on her and your relationship before you think about more children.

@CallistoSol

I think your partner is being very sensible. I'm rather surprised you had a first baby considering your marriage wasn't great at the time, why did you both agree that the time was right if your relationship was already struggling?

This.

Tbh OP it sounds like your household is having a mega stressful time during lockdown and your DP probably can't envision anything else at the moment.

I would park this until things are a bit more back to normal and then evaluate whether you want to continue in this relationship, as I would be hugely upset if my DP said to me that he'd definitely consider another baby but not with me - that would say to me that he definitely sees our relationship ending.

And tbh describing the relationship you have I don’t particularly think he’s in the wrong talking about maybe having another baby with someone else. He knows your marriage is in a bad place. He must have considered the possibility of it ending just as you have.

Umm I think it is pretty wrong to say that to your current partner, even if you think it. It's insensitive and I feel like it's also quite spiteful to go out of your way to say "yes I wouldn't mind one...but not with you" when OP was clearly talking about whether he'd want another child within their relationship. It's antagonistic and would only be said to hurt OP.

I am shocked you have stayed in this relationship and more shocked that you had a baby before fixing your problems - everyone knows a baby makes things worse.

In the nicest possible way, your DH is going to leave you soon - someone can only stay in an unhappy relationship for so long.

You really need to be more independent and find a job/start an online course so you can cope on your own.

You say you're financially dependent on him but I think you are dependant on him in other ways too and you would struggle to be without him so you need to sort this asap.

I think, for you, this is a painful example of when "the truth hurts"; deep down, you probably know your relationship isn't strong enough to withstand another child but still it's upsetting to hear. You need to try to put your emotions about it to one side and really examine what it is YOU want - this particular relationship or another baby.

Sooo you have a miserable marriage but want another baby??

Why would you even consider bringing another child into this?

I'm sorry but it'd be really selfish to bring another child into this situation. I'd focus on your child and ensuring they have a happy homelife

Stop!

Think of it this way:
He doesn't want to be with you, he's told you that.
He would have another child but not with you. (That covers the first point).
He is cruel to say those things.
A man who is cruel to his child's mother is not a 'wonderful father'. Being cruel makes that impossible.
Your marriage wasn't amazing, now it's worse. Too right. It's over.
You're exhausted, your MH has been compromised (but you're achieving a lot with work, study and parenthood. What a woman you are! You deserve respect and support).

Really, stop. Take a few deep breaths. Imagine it's your dd saying what you said in your opening post, in 25 years' time.

Would you say to her - "Great idea, darling, have another baby with this man!" I don't think so.

Disentangle yourself from the man who doesn't love you. Set up a little home for you and dd. Take a year or two to gather your thoughts. Get some therapy. Then you'll be in a good position to think about having more children. Good luck.

I made that mistake, just don’t go there. Ended up having three with him, he ended up dumping me for his cousin and now they have one together and I’m left to raise the three on my own. Just don’t go there it will not end well

Why on earth are you even considering having another baby in an unhappy relationship? You need to split up. You will not be able to work with two children, I was a nurse and a single mum years ago and you just can't do it with two, also you say your mental health is terrible.
Its extremely unreasonable to bring another child into this.