My OH doesn’t want another baby

[mummyof12019]

Hi, first time posting and hoping for a bit of advice/ support/ shared experiences and opinions.

My DD is 16 months old, my husband and I are FTM. Our marriage wasn’t amazing prior to getting pregnant but since my DD has been born things have gone from bad to worse.

We constantly argue (daily) and can’t seem to agree on anything. We don’t have any shared interests really and I don’t feel my OH wants to spend any time with me.

He’s WFH due to COVID (has been since March). I went back to work when my DD was 6 months old to complete my nursing degree. I worked full time nights, still breastfeeding, writing a dissertation and my husband looked after her whilst working from home whilst I slept inbetween night. It’s been really stressful.

We haven’t had any time to ourselves outside parents since she’s been born. Of an evening when we do have time I’m exhausted and he’s the same. He spends his time gaming or on his phone and I tend to hide away upstairs because I just can’t face another argument.

We’ve been talking a lot more recently about our relationship in general. I would like another baby. Not not, because well, it’s been rough. All that’s happened as mentioned above but I also have PND/ anxiety and OCD. So, my MH has been awful .

My husband told me last night he does not want anymore children. Well, not anymore- just no more with me.
If I want another baby then I will have to leave him and find someone else. He wouldn’t rule out another baby- just not with me.

So as you can probably tell, I’m a state. I don’t know what to do.

I can’t go anywhere as I’m financially reliant on him. Plus, we’re in the mists of lockdown. He’s a wonderful father and I can’t do that to my daughter. It would be selfish of me to leave him and uproot my daughter. I can’t do that. I love him.

But at the same time, the thought of never having another baby. Not ever holding my own newborn of giving birth. My DD not having a sibling. I can’t bare it.

I’m just heartbroken and trying to come to terms with what he’s told me. I didn’t sleep at all last night thinking about it all. I have no one to talk to as all of my friends have their own stuff going on and don’t want to be burdened with my drama, so here I am!

Thank you for reading and any advice would be appreciated x

@CallistoSol

I think your partner is being very sensible. I'm rather surprised you had a first baby considering your marriage wasn't great at the time, why did you both agree that the time was right if your relationship was already struggling?

Sorry OP but I have to agree with this.

sorry to say, but I think you are being incredibly selfish to think about having a second baby and you comment about your dc not having a sibling, this isn't about your dc but about your wants. Your husband is being truthful

What is FTM?

I feel for you OP in wanting another baby, but from what you've written I think your partner is being sensible and it's not a healthy environment to bring another baby into.

If you dont want to split up then perhaps going through some therapy or counselling together might help. Honestly I'm surprised you are really wanting to have another baby given everything you've written, as it feels like it would exacerbate problems rather than relieve them.

Isn't your DD enough? Why do you want another baby, when your marriage is a disaster? Are you mad?! Also, as an only child, this 'I HAVE to give my child a sibling' does my head in. Siblings are far far overrated and this site alone proves many siblings never get on, and are estranged and NC as adults. WHY OH WHY do people think they have to give their child a sibling? You do NOT! I, after seeing the hell most of my multi-sibling friends have gone through, and the stories on here, am most grateful and THANKFUL I have no siblings. I can promise you, your DD would rather be an only child with all it's benefits and positives (and there are more benefits to being an only child than not) and have her parents together, than you have another baby and being apart from her father and in a hovel. What you are proposing is pure selfishness. She doesn't need a sibling. Your priorities are all back to front. Have marriage counselling with your husband, get your marriage back on track for the sake of your family. Stop selfishly thinking of trivial things like having another baby, your husband at least sounds sensible and knows it will break the marriage; you sound selfish and with your head in the clouds.

Perhaps go to Relate (zoom meeting?) to talk about how to amicably end things and to put your DD first. It will take years to be in a stable position, but then you can have another DC, but you need to get to a stable set-up first.

bringing a baby into an awful marriage will only make it worse and harder for you to leave when you are finally fed up.

i think your partner is being very sensible and i wish more people would consider the state of the marriage before adding children or more children to it. it's not fair on either of you or on future children.

You need to fix your marriage before you have a second DC if fixing is possible. Definitely don't bring a second child into an unhappy marriage. Your DD needs happy, healthy parents and a calm home environment far more than she needs a sibling.

My marriage was in tatters after having DS but we got through because we remembered how good it was before. I don't think we would have made it if our marriage hadn't been strong beforehand.

@mummyof12019
OP, if another baby comes, they come and things will be okay in the end, but otherwise focus on your PND, anxiety and OCD. Why on earth are you in nursing school right now with a 6 month old baby and a stressful home life and mental health?! Utter madness to be juggling all of that, even if your marriage was great. You're both doing WAY too much, no wonder the relationship is under strain.

I would postpone the nursing training and focus on your little one and improving your mental health, otherwise you could end up even more seriously unwell. I'm sure if the relationship was better your husband would be open to another baby with you anyway so you're focusing on the wrong thing right now.

All the best

He said he’s open to having another baby but not with you? He’s basically telling you that he’s getting ready to leave you.

Your marriage was "not amazing" but you made a child regardless. The child made te marriage even worse.
You are overworked with studies, dissertations, baby, ...
Why would you have another child ? Please think clearly about what you state because it is not logical. You are probably overworked and upset, and makes your mind go to all kind of extremes.

@JorisBonson

Why would you want to bring another child into this unhappy relationship?

This.

100 percent this.

Don't have another child, they put huge pressure on relationships, and you've already said yours is going through a tough period currently. If you're also having constant arguments and to the point where this situation is affecting your mental health, I don't see how another child would help the situation at all.

Sorry but he’s telling you he doesn’t want to be with you anymore. How hurtful for you. You need to get a plan together as much as you don’t want to face it - this relationship is over. Wishing you luck but you cannot Even consider another baby within this destructive setting

Have you had marriage counselling?

The first year after becoming parents is hard on most relationships. Add Covid and your MH conditions to the mix, I'm not surprised things are looking bleak.

I also think he's wise in saying he doesn't want anymore with the current state of the relationship.

Do you both want it to work?

If so, I would set yourself a deadline of this time next year. And use the next year to plan some couples therapy and make an effort with each other. He limits his gaming, you go downstairs for an hour or two. Ask each other about work. Find some films you might both want to watch. Compliment each other. You may find over time things get a bit better. If they don't then you can leave but surely a marriage is worth fighting for when a child is involved.

Then, if you find some love again, you may find his view on having another with you changes x

@Cokie3

Isn't your DD enough? Why do you want another baby, when your marriage is a disaster? Are you mad?! Also, as an only child, this 'I HAVE to give my child a sibling' does my head in. Siblings are far far overrated and this site alone proves many siblings never get on, and are estranged and NC as adults. WHY OH WHY do people think they have to give their child a sibling? You do NOT! I, after seeing the hell most of my multi-sibling friends have gone through, and the stories on here, am most grateful and THANKFUL I have no siblings. I can promise you, your DD would rather be an only child with all it's benefits and positives (and there are more benefits to being an only child than not) and have her parents together, than you have another baby and being apart from her father and in a hovel. What you are proposing is pure selfishness. She doesn't need a sibling. Your priorities are all back to front. Have marriage counselling with your husband, get your marriage back on track for the sake of your family. Stop selfishly thinking of trivial things like having another baby, your husband at least sounds sensible and knows it will break the marriage; you sound selfish and with your head in the clouds.

Ah I think it's a shame you undervalue siblings. Lots of people have happy childhood memories with siblings and good relationships as adults. Then there's the practical side of having family to turn to and people to lean on when mum and dad get ill etc.

I'm glad you had a good experience of being an only child but don't let an online forum (where people specifically come to moan) make you think siblings are a negative thing. Because for the majority of people they are absolutely valuable.

Our marriage wasn’t amazing prior to getting pregnant but since my DD has been born things have gone from bad to worse.

It would be monumentally selfish to bring another child into this situation.

@HighSpecWhistle As I said in my comment, it is from friends in real life, too. That's how I formed my opinion on siblings. This site merely confirmed it. That's all. Far from being support to lean on, siblings often aren't close and tend to cause family rifts and make funerals worse. Rifts that wouldn't exist if siblings weren't there. There is more support from friends than siblings. Don't over-estimate the 'help' siblings give when parents are ill. From my experience with friends, backed up by stories on here, it is almost always one sibling doing all the care. I have yet to find one single family that proves the contrary. The other siblings usually make things worse and criticise while one does all the caring and the others couldn't be arsed to even visit. So.....may as well be an only child. Less stress that way, especially when parents are ill/die. It seems to me that the majority of siblings irl and on here aren't happy. I deliberately chose to have one child, just for this very reason.

[quote LivBa]@mummyof12019
OP, if another baby comes, they come and things will be okay in the end, but otherwise focus on your PND, anxiety and OCD. Why on earth are you in nursing school right now with a 6 month old baby and a stressful home life and mental health?! Utter madness to be juggling all of that, even if your marriage was great. You're both doing WAY too much, no wonder the relationship is under strain.

I would postpone the nursing training and focus on your little one and improving your mental health, otherwise you could end up even more seriously unwell. I'm sure if the relationship was better your husband would be open to another baby with you anyway so you're focusing on the wrong thing right now.

All the best [/quote]
I think studying nursing is very, very wise. It looks like she will be on her own soon, and will need to support herself and DC. So it is important she keeps up with her studies and not defers. Apart from helping her re-enter the workforce, it is also a healthy distraction for her from her home life. Without it she might collapse.

@Cokie3

Isn't your DD enough? Why do you want another baby, when your marriage is a disaster? Are you mad?! Also, as an only child, this 'I HAVE to give my child a sibling' does my head in. Siblings are far far overrated and this site alone proves many siblings never get on, and are estranged and NC as adults. WHY OH WHY do people think they have to give their child a sibling? You do NOT! I, after seeing the hell most of my multi-sibling friends have gone through, and the stories on here, am most grateful and THANKFUL I have no siblings. I can promise you, your DD would rather be an only child with all it's benefits and positives (and there are more benefits to being an only child than not) and have her parents together, than you have another baby and being apart from her father and in a hovel. What you are proposing is pure selfishness. She doesn't need a sibling. Your priorities are all back to front. Have marriage counselling with your husband, get your marriage back on track for the sake of your family. Stop selfishly thinking of trivial things like having another baby, your husband at least sounds sensible and knows it will break the marriage; you sound selfish and with your head in the clouds.

I find your opinion on siblings very sad and you sound an angry person. Are you sure you're thankful about having no siblings?! I have a brilliant relationship with my sister and my friends also have the same. I totally see where OP is coming from - it would be wonderful to have a brother or sister for her daughter - just not with this man!!

I disagree with what another PP said. They said your partner was cruel. I don’t agree. Despite everything you’ve told us, you want another baby! This is madness! Your partner is sensible and honest. Your relationship is not working for him. He wants more kids but not with you because your relationship is bad. It’s just fact. You need to get your head out of the clouds and face this. Work out how to survive without him. How long until you finish your degree? How old are you?

I said the partner is cruel. He is. He told the OP he wanted more children but not with her.

You’ve posted and ran but I know you’re reading this: I can’t believe you thought your existing child was a good idea, let alone considering another. Your DH is the one thinking about the needs of your child and future possible children here.

Our marriage wasn’t amazing prior to getting pregnant but since my DD has been born things have gone from bad to worse

I would like another baby...I also have PND/ anxiety and OCD. So, my MH has been awful

And you think another baby will cure all this?
You can't even manage your work/life/family balance as it is.....

Children are NOT A RIGHT - they are a responsibility.....and you clearly cannot cope with what you have on your plate currently.....would you be able to afford/manage on your own with one child let alone two?

are you insane? Why on earth would you want another baby with a marriage like yours?