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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Herpes diagnosis and I just want to disappear...

60 replies

Sodepressedwiththis · 10/02/2021 18:59

I can't believe I'm typing this. I have just been told that I have herpes type 1 and I'm so devasted. I just don't understand. My ex partner (split three weeks ago) says he has always been faithful we split due to just drifting apart. I don't know if he has it yet he will have to be tested. I went to the docs as I was having a few issues and almost straight away she said it looked like herpes. I feel like my life is over. I feel so ashamed. We were together for 13yrs. Who is going to go near me now. Why has this happened to me? I feel like I'm in a nightmare I'm waiting to wake up from. I know people may say it's not the end of the world but how do I now move on with this. I don't want to go near anyone again. I just don't want to be here anymore. I want to crawl away somewhere and hide. I can't even tell anyone I'm so ashamed of myself. What will people think? What will people say. I don't know why I made this post I just can't turn to anyone else..

OP posts:
Roberta268 · 10/02/2021 19:04

It’s very upsetting to be diagnosed but please know that there are many of us who have lovely partners (who weren’t put off by the herpes) and really good sexual health. It’s not the end Flowers

StarsonaString · 10/02/2021 19:05

Its very normal OP.

Type 1 is the one that usually causes facial coldsores and can be caught down below. You may have had it for years and the stress of the break up has weakened your immune system so its played up for the first time. The first outbreak is the worst and you may never have another one. If you do, they will likely be small - like a coldsore but down below.

A staggeringly high proportion of the population carries the virus so as long as you avoid sex if you have an outbreak, you will be fine. Just like you would avoid kissing if you had one on your chin.

Since its so common and can lay dormant for so long, it doesn't suggest he cheated.

Thingsdogetbetter · 10/02/2021 19:11

I have type 2. And in 28 years, no one has ever turn down sex with me because of it! And I got about quite a bit. 😁
Neither my first nor present husband has a problem with it. My friends know and you'd be surprised how many people have (quietly and privately)admitted to having it too when I've mentioned it.
Stressed and being rundown is the only time I get breakouts. Avoid sex til they're gone. All is good.

Original poster
Sodepressedwiththis · 10/02/2021 19:27

It's definitely a new infection my blood test was negative and positive swab so doctors said I got it recently. I know many many people have it but to my knowledge no one I know even gets coldsores it's just all so new my mind is everywhere I just don't know what to feel what to do I can barely sleep barely eat I just keep thinking why me. I know it's very dare I say dramatic I just never thought this would happen to me I've never had anything and now I have this for life. Its not even like I have anything to offer I'm barely attractive, already suffer mh issues and now this why would anyone want to get involved with me. I just want the ground to swallow me up. My doctor has said that she thinks I should take daily antivirals as she can already see the affect its having on my mental health and it's just so sad that I feel this way.

OP posts:
Tyranttoddler · 10/02/2021 19:31

Oh no op! I really hear your sadness. Can I direct you to herpes.org.uk/, specifically the 2 page summary on the genital herpes section.
Honestly there are many, many people who have herpes and it is not as big of a deal as it feels right now.

StarsonaString · 10/02/2021 19:33

A daily aciclovir will suppress it and you shouldn't get anymore outbreaks.

Just because its a new infection, doesn't mean he cheated. I caught it 2 years into an 8 year relationship with a man who had had one coldsore as a young teen and none since. He wasn't cheating. The virus can sometimes shed asymptomatically.

I have had a lot of partners since and always been upfront. Its never been an issue.

Justa47 · 10/02/2021 19:35

@Sodepressedwiththis
@StarsonaString

Starsona string is right.
Chear up and relax.
The cold and the stress made it happen.
You foo foo will be fine soon.

Please do t be upset.

Xx

PlumDance · 10/02/2021 19:41

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
I have no experience or advice re cold sores down there. But, I get it on (and in) my nostril. It's incredibly painful and looks awful. After really regular breakouts the GP gave me prophylactic aciclovir tablets. It's really helped. It reduced the number of outbreaks greatly and then stopped. Maybe this would work for yours too

EarthSight · 10/02/2021 19:49

What kind of herpes is this? Type 1 or 2?

StarsonaString · 10/02/2021 19:51

@EarthSight

What kind of herpes is this? Type 1 or 2?
Its literally in OP's second sentence...
EarthSight · 10/02/2021 19:51

If it is type 2, I think it's a bit early days to have this reaction. It's shit, but some people's immune systems are fantastic at suppressing it but it might take a while for yours to figure it out.

EarthSight · 10/02/2021 19:56

@StarsonaString

Fuck so it is. Skim reading much 😆

Oh OP!! I got cold sores from my parents! They both get them ever now and again but I haven't had one since very early teens! It was not uncommon at all at school. Most of us had one at one stage or another I think!! It was kind of a kid thing that a lot of us went through before growing out of it - like it's not unusual to see kids with warts on their hands. Literally no one got made fun of. It's crap if you got it on your vulva but I think this is going to be ok for you!!!

TDMN · 10/02/2021 20:04

OP i have type 1 down below too, its way more common than you'd think. You've been extraordinarily unlucky as I was, and its okay to feel shit for a bit, but honestly i promise you that anyone worth their salt will still want to be with you. Let yourself heal, emotionally and physically. Give yourself time, you're going through a huge breakup and now ghis on top. The breakup is already such a big deal, 13 years is a long time, i really feel for you. Im not going to lie, the first time i told a new partner after my diagnosis was nerve racking, but it does get easier. The medication and treatment for it is really good now, and if you look on the herpes website above theres loads of good tips for looking after yourself and avoiding potential triggers. I got it like PP - partner with a coldsore, but we didnt even know at the time he had one as it was sort of the day before it appeared. I was very young to deal with something like this on my own, and it was so scary and i sobbed down the phone to the poor receptionist at the clinic when i rang them to book an appointment. But i promise you, this does not define you or your worth. There are absolutely loads of us out here in the same boat and you are not alone Flowers

SinkGirl · 10/02/2021 20:04

Oh OP, I can tell you upset you are but please do not be ashamed. I thought I had it when I was in my late teens and I was mortified. They did tests which were negative. Didn’t happen again until I was pregnant in my early 30s - had similar symptoms and went straight to STI clinic. They said absolutely not herpes (as confirmed by tests) but they don’t actually know what it was. Hasn’t happened in the nearly 5 years since.

I have read a few articles over the years about herpes, the number of people who have it (many have no idea) and how the stigma was deliberately manufactured. Reading this might help you feel better. There’s nothing to be ashamed of whatsoever and about half the population has HSV-1, and another 10% have HSV-2 Flowers

slate.com/technology/2019/12/genital-herpes-stigma-history-explained.html

orzo15 · 10/02/2021 20:05

@Sodepressedwiththis I'm really sorry this has happened to you op. I don't have experience of this specifically but I have had health issues and I really catastrophise them and feel like it's the end of the world when it really isn't. I've got friends with herpes type 1 and I have literally never given it a second thought about it, just said ouch poor you and that's it. I don't think of them any differently, they just got unlucky. Hopefully once the shock has worn off you can see a little more clearly and positively the situation x

TDMN · 10/02/2021 20:07

If you have any Qs feel free to PM me - its so crap to start with but i promise you one day you will barely ever even think about it x

pompey38 · 10/02/2021 20:14

You’re very uneducated in this matter , maybe google and find some info before go into full on drama mode? is not “ terminal” I promise you 😂

DianaT1969 · 10/02/2021 20:38

Time to breathe and chill OP. It has happened and your GP sounds great. You didn't realise it was fairly common and that people live normal lives. Read up and know that you will be fine. The break up has probably taken its toll. Try self-care, yoga, daily walks and eating lots of immune boosting foods with vitamin supplements.

gaijinetal · 10/02/2021 21:40

It's definitely a new infection my blood test was negative and positive swab so doctors said I got it recently.

Is type 1 the face/cold sore one?

If it is that hasn't once recurred for me.

gaijinetal · 10/02/2021 21:40

And I think it has low chances of being passed on too.

gaijinetal · 10/02/2021 21:42

But I knew how I got it.

How could you have gotten a recent infectiom; oral before you stopped having sex with ex? (Cold sores don't need to be visible), shared razor? (This is actually possible before posters light on me)?

gaijinetal · 10/02/2021 21:53

Double checked and so it's oral herpes I'm not 100% sure of routes but it's usually oral sex. If you haven't had that, I'm wondering what other routes you could've got it through.

In any case, I got it twice - unbelievably - initially through a shared razor (v stupid) and it never reoccurred.

Then, years later, after oral sex with a bearded partner .. I suppose theoretically it could have been the first infection rearing it's head, but that would been years and years later, and it coincidentally happened straight after the oral sex. Dr at clinic confirmed through swab so likely to be a second infection from oral sex.

In both cases I never had a second "attack". I've also had sex without condoms with two Lt partners and they've not had any symptoms of anything.
I can't find it now but I think the chances of passing on oral herpes virus during(genital) sex is very low. I looked into it for both partners.

Changemaname1 · 10/02/2021 22:07

I agree about going and reading up online OP you are panicking and there is no need to feel so anxious

Type 1 is normally around the mouth IE coldsores but you can pass it on to the genital area from what I recall you are less likely to pass this on to someone via sex than type 2 and less likely to have reoccurring flair ups .

Seriously try relax

gaijinetal · 10/02/2021 22:17

Yeah in this article;

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2564733/

It mentions that genital hsv 1 doesn't really recur much at all (few or none after first year) and sheds (without symptoms) very infrequently.

So hopefully you'll get very few if any recurrences, and you're not much of a risk re shedding/infecting partners.

It says elsewhere that over 85% of hsv1 transmissions are oral sex.

Genital to genital is possible by the looks of it but relatively uncommon. I suppose theoretically your ex could have genital hsv 1 (probably from oral sex) and could have passed it to you g to g (even without symptoms) , but how recently have you had sex (since you think it's a recent transmission due to swab but not in blood)?

chickychicchic · 10/02/2021 22:27

Hi Op I sympathise with you and I also found out last year that I have genital herpes
Hubby was really good about it and anyone worth sleeping with should be too. So long as you are carful it's low risk

Read up about it abs if you have any questions ask

I take l-lysine which is good at keeping it dormant

I am unfortunate and if I don't keep up the lysine I get lots of outbreaks mine seem to be caused by hormones

I also get cold sores on my mouth but since taking lysine I haven't had one. I got it in bulk on Amazon

My advice would be see how this out breaks heals before making decisions about medication. I'm guessing u went to GP because you had sores?