Herpes diagnosis and I just want to disappear...

[Sodepressedwiththis]

I can't believe I'm typing this. I have just been told that I have herpes type 1 and I'm so devasted. I just don't understand. My ex partner (split three weeks ago) says he has always been faithful we split due to just drifting apart. I don't know if he has it yet he will have to be tested. I went to the docs as I was having a few issues and almost straight away she said it looked like herpes. I feel like my life is over. I feel so ashamed. We were together for 13yrs. Who is going to go near me now. Why has this happened to me? I feel like I'm in a nightmare I'm waiting to wake up from. I know people may say it's not the end of the world but how do I now move on with this. I don't want to go near anyone again. I just don't want to be here anymore. I want to crawl away somewhere and hide. I can't even tell anyone I'm so ashamed of myself. What will people think? What will people say. I don't know why I made this post I just can't turn to anyone else..

I have Type 1 and do get outbreaks. The first one was horrific but ever since, has just been small patches that are painful to the touch for a couple of days but otherwise just irritating.

For a good while, I could go years between outbreaks and more recently, have been getting them just before my periods which are irregular thanks to my implant (had the implant for over 10 years but used to get no periods at all with it).

Thanks to the advice of a PP, I have just ordered some L-lysine.

@Sodepressedwiththis

I don't know what to think anymore I'm pretty sure it was genital to genital. I don't know if he/his mum was trying to give an explanation (he didn't tell her I was diagnosed just asked in passing if he ever had it as a child) but I'm almost certain it was genital to genital as I didn't think you could have hsv1 orally and genitally.

If he had a "cut" on his genitals (and he hasn't given you oral sex recently, which is unclear) it seems very likely it was genital to genital.

As to how he got a genital infection of hsv1, it's most likely to be from oral sex, though other random things are not impossible.

That could've been from you or someone else, but I suppose the pertinent point is if that was really his first infection/outbreak .. it seems likely that he had to have been infected pretty recently. Posters on here have talked about a week/two weeks after contact. I'm not an hp so I don't know what is typical.

If that was his first outbreak - it seems very mild/minimal .. unless men get their first outbreak much more minimally than women. (Like other women on this thread the first outbreak for me was pretty severe).

If it wasn't his first outbreak then has he really not recognised he had an hsv1 infection - and dismissed any symptoms?! Presumably so, if he's not the type of person to go ahead and have sex with a lesion, with high likelihood of infecting his partner.

(Btw I don't know if it's possible to have hsv1 orally and genitally either).

In any case op; it's possible you may not get recurrences much at all.

Especially if you're taking antivirals.

I’m not sure what advice to give other than be upfront with partners and be confident when telling them. This is extremely common and most people actually have this without realising. This isn’t something to be ashamed of, you can still have a normal healthy sex life. You’ll actually be surprised with how many will come back eith ‘I’ve got it too!’.

I believe it’s as common as chlamydia, but most people won’t admit it.

Hey OP
Type 2 sufferer here.
Having felt similar to you when I got my diagnosis, two things:

First, the rabbit hole of where it came from/ did he know/ where did he get it from/ etc is not a fruitful or helpful one. Your DP may have had it years without really knowing, the cut may be a complete red herring, he might really have had a cut and it might just be though shedding that you've caught it. It will do you no good (believe me!) thinking over how and was he cheating etc. It's not like a "normal" STD where you can trace it, you'll drive yourself nuts and it will make you feel worse not better (again - speaking from bitter experience here)

Secondly, as hard as it is, try to focus on the here and now and get yourself better. You will never feel as bad as this again, so every day you move past and feel a bit better you can really think yesterday has been and gone and that's it. You're getting over a breakup of a long term relationship at the same time which must be unbelievably shit, so focus on taking each day at a time and try not to think about the future for now. Be kind to yourself and if you need to just wallow for a bit then do it but have faith that you will feel better soon. I found it a bit like a grieving process almost, first shock and disbelief before going along the curve. In the end you'll make your peace with it and find acceptance, your body will feel normal again and then you can start to think about how you manage it in the future.

My head was such a mess I can't imagine breaking up with long term partner at the same time, so please be kind to yourself. You will be ok.

Thank you for your messages I'm almost certain that it came from him as there is no other way I way I would have got it we don't do oral sex (on me at least has never been my thing) so I'm certain it was genital to genital. He said he got tested and was clean but I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm just going to keep trying to educate myself and come to terms with this now.

@Sodepressedwiththis

Thank you for your messages I'm almost certain that it came from him as there is no other way I way I would have got it we don't do oral sex (on me at least has never been my thing) so I'm certain it was genital to genital. He said he got tested and was clean but I don't know what to believe anymore. I'm just going to keep trying to educate myself and come to terms with this now.

I think it's possible to test for hsv and it not show up if it is dormant at that time.

In fact I'm not even sure they test for hsv (unless you have blisters etc. when at clinic obviously).

If he hasn't realised he's had hsv 1 (on genitals) men, or some men at least, must get a very mild first outbreak compared to women.

I suppose a gum professional could comment on that of there are any on here, or maybe you could ask at the clinic that saw you, if possible.

But it obviously doesn't change things as they are.

The article I linked said that recurrences of hsv1 aren't common after a year or two and are usually mild.

Don't freak out OP. It's really not as bad as you think.

The virus can lay dormant so there's no need to assume your partner was cheating. It's entirely possible that he didn't know he had it and has unwittingly passed it to you.

My ex infected me several years ago. Same circumstances as you. Rough sex with some abrasions which hurt a little after. Couple of days later I got horrible sores, attended the clinic and was diagnosed. Doctor was adamant that it was from recent genital contact.

The first infection was awful. Open weeping sores, salt baths, tears, time off work, scars. But I've not had a single outbreak since.

It hasn't affected my sex life at all. LOADS of people have it, they just don't like talking about it.

I’ve got it. Not sure who from or how long I’ve had it (could have been years as I’d been having some minor symptoms that Drs initially dismissed.)

Just wanted to say that I really suffered with the shame when I was diagnosed as I was going through my divorce. I don’t feel this way at all anymore. I’ve since met an awesome partner who I was so worried about disclosing to, but he really didn’t give a toss. If he had, then he would not have been right for me - simple. Knowing how insignificant my diagnosis is to him has helped to me realise that this really is a very minor problem once you manage to get your head around it all. It doesn’t interfere with my life at all and it rarely crosses my mind.