Husband has a gambling problem

[DisneyBaby]

My husband has a gambling problem. We have been married 3 and a half years and together for 10. We have a baby daughter who just turned 1.
Since about the 3rd year of us being together he has got carried away betting and I kick myself that I didn't leave him before we got more serious in the relationship.
We go through cycles of him betting occasionally to betting every day and getting out of hand and then us having a massive blow out which usually results in me giving him an ultimatum and then him not betting at all for a few months. And then the cycle starts again a few months later when he's not bet for several months and tried to convince me he can just do occasional bets now and not get carried away again... This has been the pattern for about 7 years of our relationship.
At the moment he's going through a bad spell and is betting between £10 and £100 a day. In November he spent a total of £900 on bets and over just the last 2 days he's spent £200.
It's not huge life changing money but it's the way he bets £5 and then it loses so he places another £5 and then it loses so he places another £5 etc, that shows me he is definitely addicted.
It's also the fact that he knows I don't like it and it has caused so many problems in the past with him lying to me and hiding bet slips etc being sneaky, yet he still does it. I find that incredibly insulting and upsetting.
However this time round, instead of apologising and saying he'll stop, he's just continuing regardless of my feelings, and I'm left here wondering if actually it's me that is being unreasonable or over the top in my thoughts about this...
A bit more info.
He is the main breadwinner. He puts a large chunk of his earnings into our joint account every month to cover all our mortgage and bills. Then my salary is used to food shop and saving for holidays and home reno etc. We do it this way because when we both contributed to the household bills, he would spend the remainder of his money on bets and only I would be saving small amounts each month. So this way we can be sure that we are saving a good chunk of money each month in my account and I pay for all the fun things.
After he has put money into the joint account for bills etc, he is left with about £700 for himself and a lot of this is going on bets. When that's gone he usually goes into his £200 overdraft. Whilst I appreciate that he pays for the bills and this chunk of money is his hard earned cash and he should be able to spend it how he likes, he clearly has a gambling problem, and it infuriates me how he carelessly ends up in his overdraft each month and spends every penny on betting that could be spent on things for our daughter or saving for the future. And the fact that he doesn't care that it bothers me and how he is so blatant and careless about it makes me feel totally mugged off.
How do I deal with this?
Should I let him get on with it but keep checking our joint accounts etc to make sure he's not tapping into anything that could effect my daughter and I?
Or should I be clamping down harder and make him put more money into the joint account each month leaving him with even less to spend on bets?
Or should I actually leave him because he clearly has no respect for me and he will always have a gambling problem and this will always be an issue?
I literally don't know what to do. I have put up with this for so long that I have no concept of what's normal and what's healthy in a relationship anymore... TIA

You need to leave him before he totally destroys your life, because that's what's on the horizon. Your husband is an addict and you can't fix him, and all of the empty ultimatums you make are simply pointless. I had to watch as my cousin's life was ruined by her gambling addicted husband, and it was horrible. She has lost everything, including her home. Her husband opened credit cards in her name, without her knowledge, to feed his habit. 10 years after the divorce and her life is still utter rubbish because of the debt, losing the house, etc. She wishes desperately that she had left him years before she did. Don't become her.

@Aquamarine1029

You need to leave him before he totally destroys your life, because that's what's on the horizon. Your husband is an addict and you can't fix him, and all of the empty ultimatums you make are simply pointless. I had to watch as my cousin's life was ruined by her gambling addicted husband, and it was horrible. She has lost everything, including her home. Her husband opened credit cards in her name, without her knowledge, to feed his habit. 10 years after the divorce and her life is still utter rubbish because of the debt, losing the house, etc. She wishes desperately that she had left him years before she did. Don't become her.

This all over.

I'm sorry you're having to live like this, it must be incredibly stressful.

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do. Either accept you live with an addict and hope it doesn't get worse (but it will).

Or cut your losses and leave. It won't change unless he wants/needs it to and it sounds like he's a long way off from getting meaningful and sustained help.

Save your own sanity and that of your child and leave. You've given enough chances. There's too much at stake.

You need to leave . There’s no other option .
This man will ruin your life and your daughters too .
You cannot live with a gambler , you’ll ultimately lose everything.

Just to add, outside of the betting, I am generally happy in the relationship, we get on really well and laugh lots. He gets on very well with my family and he is a great Dad to our daughter. It's just the betting hanging over us like a black cloud all the time which leaves me questioning our relationship.

Your husband is an addict and an addict just can't give up, it takes alot of determination and most likely outside help. The likelihood is unfortunately you probably don't know the full extent of it as addicts are experts at hiding their true habits.

He will only change if he wants to he won't change for anyone else. You need to decide if you can stand by him and watch him gamble away a potential college fund for your child .

I think deep down you know you don't want to live like this but only you can decide whats the best thing for you and your daughter...would you be happy if your daughter grew up and ended up with someone like her dad? If the answer is no then you need to leave before she thinks that that behaviour is normal.

Leave. I would be scooping the money out of the joint account and paying the bills from your own account. At least then he can’t get tempted to empty the joint account.
You will never be at peace if you stay. Always worrying about if he will spend too much or run up debts gambling.

Be thankful it is only £900 per month and don’t wait till it gets bigger. It will get bigger and bigger and eventually you will find yourself 10 or 20 years from now with nothing but a pile of debt and no future.

@DisneyBaby

Just to add, outside of the betting, I am generally happy in the relationship, we get on really well and laugh lots. He gets on very well with my family and he is a great Dad to our daughter. It's just the betting hanging over us like a black cloud all the time which leaves me questioning our relationship.

That's all irrelevant to me. He can be the sweetest, kindest man ever. But ultimately the addiction will make him a liar and unreliable. It will put you and your daughters stability at risk and it will likely escalate.

It's your choice, but take him as he is as he won't change. If his good qualities mean you can accept the gambling, fine. But he isn't going to change.

Gambling is different to other addictions.
If he were alcoholic or a drug addict etc then his addiction harms him personally

With gambling it is a addiction that harms those close to the addict but in a lot of cases not the addict

At the moment it appears that his level of gambling is not causing you significant financial problems, so the question - should I just put up with it seems reasonable. However it bothers you and you are going to resent it more and more as the years pass and you want to do more for and with your DC.
You say that this time he hasn't stopped or apologised which to me would be a red flag. Things are beginning to change, he is no longer bothered about what you think and doesn't respect your feelings.
Listen to the posters who have experience of gambling, his addiction will probably worsen and this change in his attitude towards you could be the start of it.
Do you want to live your life constantly worried that he is going to build up debt, possibly cost you your home? Do you want your DC to grow up in this atmosphere with a gambling father as a role model. Do the right thing for her. Good Luck

You need to leave him, his main relationship is with gambling and not you. There is only one way this will go and that is down because you and your child are being dragged down by him.

Have you ever seen a poor bookie, neither have I. He is always looking for that elusive next big win and even if he won he would not stop, there’s another win just around the corner and on it goes. He does not care what you think nor is bothered by any concerns you have.

You cannot help him, you can only help your own self ultimately. Gamcare offer help also to partners/family of gamblers and I would urge you to contact them.

I was married to a gambler. Unless they are ready to acknowledge there is a problem, there is little you can do.
It sounds like his gambling is escalating and it will escalate even more.
You need to separate all finances and make sure he has no access to your money or family funds. Check his and your credit reports to make sure he’s not already taken on additional debt. Gamblers are also adept liars and manipulators so always ask fir evidence. Don’t rely on his word for anything. Ultimately it was the lies and deceit that broke our marriage. Luckily I was able to get out before we lost the house.
Take a look at the family and friends section on GamCare - the knowledge there was really helpful. And call their helpline.
And remember, you didn’t cause this, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. It has to be on him and it sounds like he is a long way from admitting that he has a problem.
💐

He stops forever, and never ever places another bet ( but you’ll spend the rest of your life watching him like a hawk) or he leaves.
He is an addict.

He is an addict and will not change. At the moment you are tolerating his behaviours which sends the message to him that you are willing to put up with it. In his mind your tolerance validates his gambling and he sees it as part and parcel of your marriage.

You said it's been going on for 7 years? that's a long time. You can issue all the ultimata you want but if you keep caving, nothing is ever going to change. I would get out now, and take as much of the money as you can. Sorry , OP but please don't leave it until you are saddled with life changing debts.

I grew up as the daughter of a gambler. So perhaps I can answer for your daughter. I obviously didn't understand when I was very young but could see the moods in my home. As I got older I could see the impact on my mum. Like your husband my dad always provided first but then obviously his addiction became more or got out of control. He had several credit cards which my mum made him cut up once in front of her. He just had them resent to his work address. I remember one time he was made redundant and I believe he wasted about 30k in a matter of months. They become very good liars and can manipulate you. So lots of crying and denial or nastiness when confronted. My parents are still together, my mum is very old school, you made your bed you lay in it, but I know she feels she wasted so many years of her life. As far as I know my dad now only bets very small bets occasionally but I think that is from having only a small pension and from having to spend years paying off a debt management plan. Its so sad to think of all the money he lost over a very long period of time, such a waste. Especially now they are older and have absolutely nothing to show for it all. I think my mum probably spent a decade or more worried she would loose her home.

All addictions are progressive - it only gets worse as they need bigger hits to achieve the first thrill. It’s all around lies and betrayal to himself and you. Your life isn’t what you think. It won’t be £900 / month.

Read up on others experiences and KNOW you are on that trajectory. Your choice point now is to recover any equity / savings and minimal debt and separate so that you can house your DD - or continue and you will lose all of that and be saddled with debt for decades. Don’t allow that to happen to you and your DD.

Remember the three C’s.
You didn’t cause it
You can’t control it
You can’t cure it

Beyond the obvious financial impact you have also a choice about whether you spend your motherhood and your DD babyhood/childhood distracted and preoccupied in worried and in crisis mode focused on being hyper vigilant watching your bank accounts / DH etc.....when you are in this mindset you cannot be fully emotionally available to your DC - choose to be a 100% attuned mother to your DC - she deserves this.

Quietly make your plans and safe guard your dwindling current assets - see a solicitor and move on.

£10000. a year wasted.
A good car.
An amazing holiday (pre covid)
A new bathroom
Clothes
Savings for your child
Private education

I couldn't live like you.

I always find that whenever there is a problem such as gambling other people suggest you to leave. But leaving is not necessary what is going to make you happier. I imagined you already talked a lot with him, I am also sure you know when is best to talk, I find that sometimes I tend to talk to mu husband when I am too upset and is not as effective as to wait a calm moment and share how you feel there. Gambling is surely an addiction, but at the same time is a way of investing time too. I had a director at work few years ago, she was very clever and respectable lady and she was very much into candy crush, she was kept paying to unlocking things, she said she would spend a few hundred of pounds a month. She has been done it for years, is a very stupid way of spending money. She is still a lovely family woman with a good job. I know is not the same but not too different either. Anyway my suggestion is talk to him, try to make him understand how you feel and tey to put a limit to it and enjoy your marriage. If you realise you become too unhappy then consider to leave of course x

Another daughter of a gambling addict father here, who urges you to leave before he totally destroys you and your daughter's life.

My situation is very much like @Treacletreacle, except my mum eventually had enough of the lies and deceit, found the strength to leave and get a divorce. It must have been a scary situation, but she now says the scarier situation was living in such a toxic environment. Hearing him say he had stopped, yet carrying on by reordering cards that had been cut up. Sneaking to the betting shop / casino when she was at work, taking days off without her knowing to spend all day gambling.

The constant wondering if he would relapse and start again, when he had never actually stopped, and the i've changed was just another lie ontop of a lifetime of lies.

It was the constant deceit and lying that affected her the most. Knowing that the person she had married cared more about gambling than his wife and children, that he would outright lie to her and gaslight any worries she had. Please don't underestimate how draining being constantly on the look out for signs he's gambling, and doubting your own reality can be.

As many others on the thread have said it never ends until the gambler wants to change. They won't stop because it's hurting you or your daughter, they won't stop because they're gambling away the house, holidays, your savings. Many don't ever stop, and those who do often reach rock bottom realise how much they've lost and only then break the addiction.

That also represents about £14K a year that anyone would have to earn (if 40% tax payer) to find “£900/month” - that’s a v fat pay rise or equivalent of a minimum wage full time job.

In the 7 years you have been with him that’s over a £100K - that could have paid off huge chunk or mortgage, paid into a fat pension pot for your families financial security.

Also there has been a shift in him emotionally which indicates the progression - he is now not even pretending to listen to you - he feels entitled to fritter “family money” without consultation on his habits - he doesn’t care what you think - you are now consigned to the nag zone where he has to block you out and holds you with contempt for spoiling his fun - anything you do or say is interpreted by him as controlling rather than supportive - so more layers of deceit, denial, secrecy have to be put in place - and so don’t chase him down that rabbit hole - just detach and turn your back and look forward to an alternative future where your home isn’t in increasing emotional and financial stress / crisis but is instead a calm, peaceful place where you are in possession of the full facts and control of YOUR life.

I would be unable to live with this for the following reasons:

1. The anger and resentment of knowing what the money could have done for us.
2. The risk of financial ruin
3. Even if financial ruin doesn't happen, the constant fear that it might
4. Knowing I was probably being lied to and the paranoia of contantly checking that I wasn't being stolen from

The higher the stakes, the higher the buzz. He's not getting enough of a buzz from a fiver a time; the best reward he gets out of it is knowing that you're going to be pissed off about it when you find out.

You know what would be a real buzz for him? Risking the relationship. Only you've taken him back each time, so he knows it's a lower risk gamble these days, especially now you've had a baby.

Risking the house, however, that would be a really good buzz. That would be your security, the LO's security, his future, everything all in one click. It's what he's working his way up to.

He's addicted to nearly fucking everything up. He likes that feeling. He needs that feeling.

A substance addict harms others but usually nowhere near as much as their actions harm themselves. A gambling addict, well - their hit is all the better when they're harming others.

NeverDropYourMoonCup An insatiable buzz is a good way of describing it. For many gamblers it isn't even about winning money, although that is certainly an additional buzz when it happens

My ex was a gambler and when I gave him an ultimatum he just shrugged. That's all we meant to him; a shrug.

He would pretend to go to work but be gambling. He would take any money he could find. He saw us go without. He sneered at people like me who worked hard for things. He thought he was special and he would have a big win. But we are sorted and he has absolutely nothing and no one. Before she died he lived with his mother at the age of 60!

The thing is whilst he is spending alot he kind of can now but what happens when there is less money and he loans it? You could lose everything.

Leave him.

My dad was a gambling addict. I wouldn’t wish the practical and emotional damage he did to me and my mum on anyone.

my NDN gambled nearly 100k away all his and his wifes savings she had no idea. it only came to light after she opened some mail that he always would scoop up and handle and found a credit card bill for 7k that she didnt know about she confronted him he broke down and admitted he had been drawing out 5k at the beginning of the month out of an account carrying the money around daily in his backpack and going to the bookies. he would even make her drop him off at work on a Sunday so he could earn double time but instead he would spend the time gambling. she had absolutely no idea. how do i know all this? she broke her heart over it to me after the police were called by another neighbour as she had spent hrs screaming and crying at him after his confession he had gambled their whole lifes savings for an early retirement and racked up credit cards galore. Thats a true story for you take from it what you will.