Husband has a gambling problem

[DisneyBaby]

My husband has a gambling problem. We have been married 3 and a half years and together for 10. We have a baby daughter who just turned 1.
Since about the 3rd year of us being together he has got carried away betting and I kick myself that I didn't leave him before we got more serious in the relationship.
We go through cycles of him betting occasionally to betting every day and getting out of hand and then us having a massive blow out which usually results in me giving him an ultimatum and then him not betting at all for a few months. And then the cycle starts again a few months later when he's not bet for several months and tried to convince me he can just do occasional bets now and not get carried away again... This has been the pattern for about 7 years of our relationship.
At the moment he's going through a bad spell and is betting between £10 and £100 a day. In November he spent a total of £900 on bets and over just the last 2 days he's spent £200.
It's not huge life changing money but it's the way he bets £5 and then it loses so he places another £5 and then it loses so he places another £5 etc, that shows me he is definitely addicted.
It's also the fact that he knows I don't like it and it has caused so many problems in the past with him lying to me and hiding bet slips etc being sneaky, yet he still does it. I find that incredibly insulting and upsetting.
However this time round, instead of apologising and saying he'll stop, he's just continuing regardless of my feelings, and I'm left here wondering if actually it's me that is being unreasonable or over the top in my thoughts about this...
A bit more info.
He is the main breadwinner. He puts a large chunk of his earnings into our joint account every month to cover all our mortgage and bills. Then my salary is used to food shop and saving for holidays and home reno etc. We do it this way because when we both contributed to the household bills, he would spend the remainder of his money on bets and only I would be saving small amounts each month. So this way we can be sure that we are saving a good chunk of money each month in my account and I pay for all the fun things.
After he has put money into the joint account for bills etc, he is left with about £700 for himself and a lot of this is going on bets. When that's gone he usually goes into his £200 overdraft. Whilst I appreciate that he pays for the bills and this chunk of money is his hard earned cash and he should be able to spend it how he likes, he clearly has a gambling problem, and it infuriates me how he carelessly ends up in his overdraft each month and spends every penny on betting that could be spent on things for our daughter or saving for the future. And the fact that he doesn't care that it bothers me and how he is so blatant and careless about it makes me feel totally mugged off.
How do I deal with this?
Should I let him get on with it but keep checking our joint accounts etc to make sure he's not tapping into anything that could effect my daughter and I?
Or should I be clamping down harder and make him put more money into the joint account each month leaving him with even less to spend on bets?
Or should I actually leave him because he clearly has no respect for me and he will always have a gambling problem and this will always be an issue?
I literally don't know what to do. I have put up with this for so long that I have no concept of what's normal and what's healthy in a relationship anymore... TIA

So that’s a long and rambling post, but just wanted to give my experience. It can work - like you my partners great in so many ways and we have a pretty perfect relationship. But what you’re seeing might be tip of the iceberg, and also might well escalate.

So protect yourself firstly, go in with your eyes wide open, and make sure you can financially take care of yourself. Do the investigations as to whether he might have any debt you don’t know about. Ours was about £50k - was shocked how much credit someone with rubbish credit can get. Cancel any joint accounts.

If he won’t accept he has a problem, I don’t know what the solution is. You can get a session with Gam Anon for advice for yourself

Whilst I have nothing but respect for those who have overcome gambling addictions I think it's incredibly important to recognise that while you might have faced your demons those who love and support you never truly overcome the addiction. They will always worry about relapses, have to keep one eye on the finances, worry if your telling the truth or lying, take steps to monitor credit scores, bank accounts etc it's not much of a life to always wonder what if.

If I decide to leave, how to I deal with the guilt that I have broken up my daughters family and the feeling of failure that I will having knowing that I have a failed marriage behind me and chose the wrong person to marry.

This is so heartbreaking. None of this is your fault. If you end the marriage you've not broken up your family or failed your marriage you've been sensible put yourself and your daughter first and decided you cannot live a half life where you are always second guessing. Your husband is the reason your marriage is failing and not one person with an ounce of compassion would lay the blame at your door.

What does he say when you say you'll leave if he won't stop or has it not come to that yet?

Gambling is a v v b hard one to beat as it's more accepted and easier to hide than drugs or alcohol.

Also. I hate to say this but I bet (no joke meant at all) that he's got credit cards you don't know about.

Op he must have debt you don't know about.

If he has £700 disposable cash to gamble with each month but sometimes (that you know of) spends £900 and goes into his £200 overdraft, then if he spends £900 the next month he will be £400 overdrawn and so on.

A gambling addiction is one of the hardest to kick because we can't avoid money.

There are two things you should do:

1. Accept that he is a gambling addict
2. Plan your future around him always being a gambling addict.

Also worth considering that addictions tend to escalate in the same way drug/alcohol addiction does. He will undoubtedly have debts you don't know of now, but if you stay with him you should plan for loosing your home and having debts put in your name.

@IthinkIm I have threatened to leave if he doesn't stop so many times that I think he just doesn't believe that I will ever do it to be honest. He stops betting for a short time, I think maybe 5 months was the longest period without and then goes back to it.

Of course he doesn't believe your threats, because you've not followed through with them. If you've said you're going to leave over and over, but never do then he's become desensitized to the risk of losing you, because it hasn't happend yet despite all the times you've said you'll go.

Unfortunately I also don't believe he's ever stopped betting. It's more likely he's carried on behind your back whilst lying about having stopped.

The more you post the more unhappy you sound, do you have anyone in real life to go stay with to help clear your head and work out a way forward?

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

I've been through it with my ex partner and lost a great deal financially and emotionally.

He is now over his addiction, but we aren't together, we have a son together and he gambled away everything he had, his full share in a home and a tend of thousands lof my money.

I learned the hard way that an addict can only give up when they really truly want to. No one else can make this happen for them, and it often only happens once they hot rock bottom which involves no one else helping them out.

I know it's hard to read, and you don't want to believe it. I know I didn't, but once I realised it's true I was able to see the way forward abs stop feeling like I needed to help solve the problem.

Please consider contacting gamcare who offer great support for families affected by gambling.

Please do protect yourself and your finances.

[quote DisneyBaby]@IthinkIm I have threatened to leave if he doesn't stop so many times that I think he just doesn't believe that I will ever do it to be honest. He stops betting for a short time, I think maybe 5 months was the longest period without and then goes back to it. [/quote]
Need to shift gears now because you are having zero impact apart from him deepening his resistance and likely now hiding stuff.

Don’t let him displace the issue of his gambling onto you being a nag.

Drop the rope.

Less words because he isn’t listening.

More actions from you.

Detach from him emotionally so that you have the capacity and headspace to research and make plans for you and your DD. Prioritise her.

Once you have done your research you will have power and options. Then you will be much clearer what informed choice you can make.

You are at a cross roads.

Hey, sorry to hear. Extreme gambling is recognized as a disorder. If your husband may have a problem with gambling, talk with his doctor or mental health professional. see here - my husband also loves gambling and plays bingo with his colleagues.

ZOMBIE THREAD

@DisneyBaby

Just to add, outside of the betting, I am generally happy in the relationship, we get on really well and laugh lots. He gets on very well with my family and he is a great Dad to our daughter. It's just the betting hanging over us like a black cloud all the time which leaves me questioning our relationship.

That's what living with an addict is like. There's always nice times in between and lots of laughs and great dad's. They are just no good in a relationship because they are already in a relationship with something else which is more important than you.

Omg Another zombie thread. Sorry.