Husband has a gambling problem

[DisneyBaby]

My husband has a gambling problem. We have been married 3 and a half years and together for 10. We have a baby daughter who just turned 1.
Since about the 3rd year of us being together he has got carried away betting and I kick myself that I didn't leave him before we got more serious in the relationship.
We go through cycles of him betting occasionally to betting every day and getting out of hand and then us having a massive blow out which usually results in me giving him an ultimatum and then him not betting at all for a few months. And then the cycle starts again a few months later when he's not bet for several months and tried to convince me he can just do occasional bets now and not get carried away again... This has been the pattern for about 7 years of our relationship.
At the moment he's going through a bad spell and is betting between £10 and £100 a day. In November he spent a total of £900 on bets and over just the last 2 days he's spent £200.
It's not huge life changing money but it's the way he bets £5 and then it loses so he places another £5 and then it loses so he places another £5 etc, that shows me he is definitely addicted.
It's also the fact that he knows I don't like it and it has caused so many problems in the past with him lying to me and hiding bet slips etc being sneaky, yet he still does it. I find that incredibly insulting and upsetting.
However this time round, instead of apologising and saying he'll stop, he's just continuing regardless of my feelings, and I'm left here wondering if actually it's me that is being unreasonable or over the top in my thoughts about this...
A bit more info.
He is the main breadwinner. He puts a large chunk of his earnings into our joint account every month to cover all our mortgage and bills. Then my salary is used to food shop and saving for holidays and home reno etc. We do it this way because when we both contributed to the household bills, he would spend the remainder of his money on bets and only I would be saving small amounts each month. So this way we can be sure that we are saving a good chunk of money each month in my account and I pay for all the fun things.
After he has put money into the joint account for bills etc, he is left with about £700 for himself and a lot of this is going on bets. When that's gone he usually goes into his £200 overdraft. Whilst I appreciate that he pays for the bills and this chunk of money is his hard earned cash and he should be able to spend it how he likes, he clearly has a gambling problem, and it infuriates me how he carelessly ends up in his overdraft each month and spends every penny on betting that could be spent on things for our daughter or saving for the future. And the fact that he doesn't care that it bothers me and how he is so blatant and careless about it makes me feel totally mugged off.
How do I deal with this?
Should I let him get on with it but keep checking our joint accounts etc to make sure he's not tapping into anything that could effect my daughter and I?
Or should I be clamping down harder and make him put more money into the joint account each month leaving him with even less to spend on bets?
Or should I actually leave him because he clearly has no respect for me and he will always have a gambling problem and this will always be an issue?
I literally don't know what to do. I have put up with this for so long that I have no concept of what's normal and what's healthy in a relationship anymore... TIA

My ex was a gambler and they justify it by convincing themselves they will win big, pay everything back and everything will get sorted, I think the term is magical thinking. If he "needs" to he will steal money from your purse, he will steal money from your DC, he will hide betting slips and online accounts, he will prioritise spending money on himself, probably while reprimanding you for having a treat. It was only after he left I started to realise the extent of it and I'm so glad to be out of it. He had other issues but I could never respect a man who spends on himself so recklessly rather than investing in his children's future

Run an experian credit check on both your names, do it now. There is a real risk of debt that you are unaware of. Half of that could be yours if you divorce, you could lose your home. This is serious.

You need to leave before you loose everything! He will change... in that he will get worse and you’ll loose everything! Its not ok to gamble hundreds of pounds that could be spent on your daughter, saved for her future etc. Leave, before you are utterly destroyed by it. There is no good outcome here

I saw on tv a story where a man gambled for fun... then it escalated.. he and his wife separated and in the end he lost the house his wife and his child lived in. They had nowhere to live. It was tragic - dont let this happem to you and your child

It controls him, although he will insist otherwise. Unless he wants to stop, is willing to do whatever to change, it will continue to do so. You cannot do this for him.

my NDN gambled nearly 100k away all his and his wifes savings she had no idea.

It would seem that the OPs husband has achieved this at a minimum since they have been together.

Did you not say for better or for worse in your vows? Your husband is a gambling addict. It will get worse. But that doesnt mean you should leave him. He needs help! There are loads of resources in the UK to help prevent gambling. You can self exclude from all online gambling, you can ban yourself from betting shops, he can get access to counselling for free. You need to stage an intervention of some kind. You should not just give up on someone you love! You're supposed to help them in their worst time. You say in the past he has given up for brief periods and gone back to it. This is a sure sign that the gambling is in control and he needs help.

Go online with him and fill out an "am I gambling addict" questionnaire with him, it will say blatantly that he is an addict. Addiction takes control of your mind, and you need those people who love you to intervene and help, not just pick up their bags and run. If you love him, at least try your best to be sympathetic and help him before you leave. At least then you will know you did everything you could and wont have regrets.

You need to stage an intervention of some kind. You should not just give up on someone you love! You're supposed to help them in their worst time

In my experience, and others who have experienced a gambling addict, none of that will help. There's nothing the OP, friends or other family members can do that will fix this addiction.

Interventions and actions such as cutting up cards, restricting money etc don't work. The gambler has to want to stop, and there's no sign that the OPs husband wants to stop. Unfortunately any attempt by others to try and break the addiction for him is likely to lead to more lies and deception.

You need to stage an intervention of some kind. You should not just give up on someone you love! You're supposed to help them in their worst time. You say in the past he has given up for brief periods and gone back to it. This is a sure sign that the gambling is in control and he needs help.

As the daughter of a gambling addict who spent decades saying al the right things

"I'll change, I'll do better with your help, I'm so glad you know now and we can get through it together" and a multitude of other lies.

This advice is quite possibly the most niave thing I've read on this or similar threads. This is not something you can help him overcome. Walk away now, don't waste your life with this man. Your marriage vows, happiness and comfort mean nothing to him and most importantly you and your daughter do not owe him any support. He will not be grateful and in the end only you and her will suffer.

Addicts often have to reach rock bottom before they can tackle the problem - don't let yourself be dragged down that far with him.

I would NEVER hitch my wagon to a gambler. You could be on the streets literally overnight, and with massive debts on top, as a gambler can go through thousands a week if minded to do that. Even an alcoholic can only drink so much alcohol in a day, and the damage usually takes years and years to take hold. A man who is a gambler can trash his whole life in a very short time frame. It might take decades for his wife to get things back on an even keel, if ever. Maybe he’s nice, lovable whatever, but fundamentally his addiction is coming before you and his DC. He is completely out of touch with reality, and as he is losing control over his life, and as night follows day you will surely lose control over yours in the worst possible way.

Also I understand from your first post, your DH thinks to spend up to £700 a month on gambling is his choice as it’s his hard earned cash! So, as well as a gambling addict you have a very selfish man on your hands, full of excuses, full of denial. What a way to live for you.

@Same4Walls
I am so sorry that you have gone through that, but as a recovered gambling addict I have to disagree. Everyone is different. But in my experience, love and support were what got me to seek and stick to help. Without that I would still be doing it now.

But in my experience, love and support were what got me to seek and stick to help. Without that I would still be doing it now.

I'm sorry to hear you were once a gambling addict, I suppose a thread like this must make for difficult reading. I obviously have no idea about how bad your addiction was, or for how long you struggled.

However, your situation is very different from the OPs, as you wanted to stop and it's clear the OPs husband doesn't. No amount of love and support from friends and family will help an addict, unless they want to make the change. That's not to say he won't ever stop, he might, but it's been 7 years of the OP trying to support him and he's now at the stage where he clearly doesn't give a damn about how she feels or the stress he's causing the family.

@Polaris92 I did say those vows and in a church too. I'm from a family with no divorces and with Christian family ties so I'm really in a battle with myself as to what to do. I would hate to break up my daughters family unit and worry that I will regret it if I make that decision.
But nothing ever seems to change...
I've got him to do one of those 'do I have a gambling problem' tests before and it pretty much said yes. I have also sat down and gone through his accounts from last year and put it in a spreadsheet for him to see black and white and that had no effect. I also have control over the majority of our money, I moved our joint savings into my own personal savings account and as I mentioned in my first post, I make sure he covers all the mortgage and bills as soon as he is paid. The gambling is done with whatever is left in his account, usually around £700 ish and a £200 overdraft. There's not much more I can do to restrict him other than have his salary paid into our joint account and giving him an allowance but that basically takes away all his freedom and surely can't be good for our relationship either?
When he's not gambling he then begins to look at other ways to make money like Bitcoin and the stock market etc. We had joint money in stocks and have actually made a little bit of money on it over the last year but I do feel like he's just replacing one form of gambling with another albeit the stocks and shares is less risky.
If I decide to leave, how to I deal with the guilt that I have broken up my daughters family and the feeling of failure that I will having knowing that I have a failed marriage behind me and chose the wrong person to marry :(

@TiltedLane

Also I understand from your first post, your DH thinks to spend up to £700 a month on gambling is his choice as it’s his hard earned cash! So, as well as a gambling addict you have a very selfish man on your hands, full of excuses, full of denial. What a way to live for you.

Yes, he has at times definitely said things like 'it's none of your business' or 'it's my money I can do what I want' etc...

If I decide to leave, how to I deal with the guilt that I have broken up my daughters family and the feeling of failure that I will having knowing that I have a failed marriage behind me and chose the wrong person to marry

Oh you poor thing, please don't beat yourself up over this. Do you think he feels guilty for his actions? If you leave it's because you want to protect you and your daughter. Because you want financial stability, and life that won't come crashing down because of bad bets and the irresponsible behaviour of someone else.

You've tried, 7 years of arguments and pleading with him, and he didn't stop for you. You have a young daughter and he won't stop for her. As others have said his gambling addiction doesn't just affect him, he isn't the only one who suffers if he ends up in debt or homeless because of his actions. You're financially tied to him and the results of his actions could affect you for years. It's never easy to make the decision to leave, but staying because you don't want a failed marriage is a road that will only lead to regrets.

I don’t want to take away from gambling addicts who’ve seen the light and managed to realise their true life outside this addiction, like Aaron says. Nothing but respect from me. Lots of people suffer from addictions of one kind or another, after all. The support was Im sure helpful and you were so fortunate to benefit from it. But there’s a fine line between co-dependency and support. Personally, though I might go out with a gambler, have fun with a gambler, or even live a gambler, I’d never hitch my wagon to one. Not in a million years. The odds are not in my favour (ironic).

re. Christian ties, well yes marriage is a tie in one sense in the Christian church. I’m a Catholic, so does that count ? It’s a sacrament I would say, but for both parties. I’m not getting the sense your DH sees it that way. Also, gambling, apart from some fun and light flutter, I would imagine most Christians would give it short shrift. He’s not living up to his side of the bargain, the contract, or making any effort to live its sacramental aspects.

love, not live

gamanon.org.uk

He once said to me that even if he won the lottery he would still bet because he enjoys it.

He loves all kinds of sport which goes hand in hand with betting, and a lot of his mates including my brother-in-law like a bet too so the temptation is always there when he’s watching a game or hearing mates talk about it.

He loves all kinds of sport which goes hand in hand with betting

Yes, nowadays perhaps. In the Classical Greek tradition, I think sport meant something else entirely, for the most part. Sports commercial interests have made it a target for betting companies. I think there has been some change of law to stop betting companies advertising and sponsorship of children’s football teams! There probably is a link - the horses, racing, now football, etc. A number of professional footballers, interestingly have gambling issues ((they’re bored on the coach and it’s something to do), or so I read. But others equally are not interested and bypass it. Shouldn’t sport be for the love of the game? Regardless, he’s just making excuses for his addiction. Let him be an addict in his little room somewhere, which is where sadly many gambling addicts end up. Don’t take you or your DC to that sad place though

My partner is a recovered gambling addict. I didn’t even know he gambled - as in I had NO idea at all. Turns out he’d had a gambling problem for about 15 years starting at uni. Had loans, credit card debt, payday loans, and when he couldn’t get anymore he then spent all of our savings that he could access.

He has stopped completely, and did from the moment I found out. He’s paid me and everyone else back the money. It has worked out for him. The trust took a long time to rebuild, and it’s never going to work if he doesn’t decide to give up and get help.

The advice I’d give firstly, is get an Equifax report on both of you. I pay £7.99 a month for the reports even now as they show any alerts and credit applications etc. The Experian etc hadn’t shown a problem, but Equifax did. Secondly - take over control of the money - he paid his whole salary to me and I gave him £20 a week on his Monza for any expenses for the first year. Sounds controlling, but this was what was advised as any access to money is a temptation.

Thirdly - Gam Anon were super helpful - he found the ten sessions of one on one counselling really useful. It’s free, and then when they’re sorted they can make a donation. The group meetings were really useful, and made him realise he does have a problem. There is also support for you, and it’s worth accessing this for advice on what to do and how to protect yourself and your family. Tell family members and friends - I was surprised how many had lent him money. You need to cut off all access to money.

However, although it has worked out and he is recovered, gambling has a huge relapse rate. As a result, I’m always on my guard. He has control of his money back, but I’ll never have another joint account with him again. I monitor my Equifax report religiously, and the flat is in my name only. Savings are in my name.

This has only worked because he wanted to stop gambling. If he hadn’t wanted to stop, looking back at everything now, I think I would have had to leave him. In my situation, and from the meetings for family, it always escalates. You at least know about it, I didn’t have any idea. He always paid his half of the bills etc and never seemed in trouble financially

Absolutely leave. I used to work in the industry and saw many people run rhensrlvesbinto the ground gambling. Presumably their families too.

If nothing else, he has no savings. If he loses his job then you're potentially going to lose the house.

Get yourself out fast and get your share. Before he gambles it away.

*run themselves into