Dating someone who was born with a silver spoon

[HowTheyRollLikeThunder]

I (29) have known DP (28) for 3 years, been dating for 2.5. DP has what I'd call a very privileged life - she has no student loans, her house was a gift from her parents, great job, and she receives monthly supplementary income from her trust fund. I had a very difficult upbringing - single parent household, mum constantly stressing about money and work due having to bring up me and my sibling by herself.

DP is generally really nice, kind, and we love each other to bits. Sometimes however, I just feel like she doesn't understand things from my point of view due to how she was brought up and it gets extremely frustrating.

For instance, 4 months into our relationship she wanted to take a trip down to New Zealand. I couldn't afford it so she ended up paying for everything. Don't get me wrong I appreciated it so much but at times I did feel uneasy as I felt like I couldn't contribute anything and thus didn't have a say.

It's the same with our house. I basically live here rent free - she refuses to let me pay for anything as I've still got my loans and I make barely any money working in a non-profit - and sometimes it feels like I'm still a guest here. She also has form for complaining when I have to do overtime or work on weekends as she thinks I should spend time with her since they (referring to my workplace here) won't care.

She thinks I am insecure. I probably am. I spent my whole teenage years thinking my problems were because I couldn't come to terms with my sexuality but maybe it's more than that. I feel like I'm slowly destroying the relationship with my personal issues and inferiority complex and I don't know what to do.

Sounds like you could do with some couples Councelling.
I came from a much poorer background than DH. He doesn’t have what your DP had/had but he does have a very dysfunctional father.
All these things can be worked out. We all bring our issues and hangups and these come out once the initial flush of love starts to settle down. But both parties have to be willing and sometimes an impartial third party can help. Difficult right now w Covid.

She loves you and wants you to live with her. She is lucky enough to be able to have a home and wants to share it with you. Of course she won't understand what she hasn't been through, but if she cannot empathise then there are issues. Many people are in relationships where one earns more than the other - in fact probably most heterosexual relationships. She was lucky enough to be born into money; you, like most of us, were not. This doesn't make you any less important in the relationship or as a person. Your last paragraph sounds as though you have a self destruct mode?

I personally couldn't be with someone who has a very rich background. Totally different upbringings, not much in common

I think you are putting to much value your worth financially.
If someone with money is only interested in a relationship with someone of similar means thats who they will date.

But plenty realise that this limits the dating pool somewhat.

The great thing about money is that it buys options. She could afford to take you to NZ,
She can afford for you to live rent free. She does it because she loves you and she can.

So please concentrate on what you bring to her life, things that money can’t actually buy.
She will never really understand your upbringing as she hasn't walked in your shoes so is bound to at times be naive. People who have always had money have little concept of what its like to have none.

Why do you feel inferior? You are no less important than your partner. Do you think some self-esteem building could be helpful?

I had a partner who had a much more privileged background than me: house gifted by parents rent free, financial help on an ongoing basis, private education etc. Not once did I feel inferior or less than him. You have to find and believe in your worth, long before you expect other people to. Luckily this is something you can definitely work on and achieve.

I don't have any advice but my best friend had a similar problem. Her partner was 'middle class' his parents gave them a very big deposit to buy a house, and she gave up work very early on as she had two children very close together. She often confided she didn't feel she had a say on the house and decor as it wasn't really hers, even after they were married. It was only when they bought a joint house and she was contributing did she feel it was hers

I definitely agree that I have a lot of self esteem issues to deal with. I also think that I tend to dwell on a lot of the offhanded comments she makes when she doesn't actually mean it the way I see it. One major one that sticks with me is her views on my work. I love my job and it's for a cause I genuinely believe in. There are days that are challenging and sometimes yes I do moan a little about being tired. Her responses are always that I should just quit or just not go in the next day.

Another recent thing that has come out in lockdown is when it comes to buying things for the house. We were looking at some new appliances the other day and she asked my opinion, I gave it, and then said that she doesn't like the one I picked and that she'd be buying something else instead. Maybe it's my insecurities shining but it just doesn't feel like I'm an equal here, if that makes sense?

That doesn't sound like a great dynamic to me and she sounds like she may be slightly lacking in empathy (although this can happen to all of us, empathy is a skill). Have you told her how important your job is to you?
I think it is one thing having a difference in wealth but if you don't contribute to any decision making about how you live or what you do on holiday that is a bit rubbish. Is it because she doesn't want you to or because you self-censor?

DS is in a similar relationship. We are a ‘normal’ family (comfortable but our children didn’t attend public school or are gifted tens of thousands of pounds for no reason) whereas his partner has all the things you described and more.
She was offered a house but turned it down. In the future she will inherit a vast amount of money but her family adore DS and respect him. My son and her both paid an equal deposit and half of the mortgage each month. It was important to both of them to feel equals in their home. It also stopped the inevitable ‘get out of my house’ if they argued.
She is a lovely person and not snobby in any way. She would never expect him to take off work because she respects his career. They have been together eight years and are so alike. If you met them you’d just assume they were a successful young couple. He doesn’t rely on her financially.
You don’t sound like equals and I think that is where your problem lies.

Is it because she doesn't want you to or because you self-censor?

I don't think it's because she doesn't want me to (I don't believe any of it is malicious) it's just that she genuinely believes that her choices are right. She's Australian and has lived/travelled to plenty of places and I'm a lot less global, for lack of a better word. With holidays especially some of the places I wanted to go (and offered to pay for my own ticket if she'd gave me the chance to save and not tell me at the last minute that she wanted to go somewhere) she classed as being overrated as she'd been there and thought it wasn't worth the time.

She sounds really dismissive. I don't think this is about money at all.

Well maybe the entitlement might be linked to wealth but I am sure there are plenty of wealthy people who respect their partner's preferences and views (I don't know any wealthy people but assume so!)

There is no "right" choice is there? Everything is subjective. Most people know this....

I come at this from the other perspective, I had a privileged upbringing, am lucky to own a beautiful home I wouldn’t have been able to afford without my parents. Don’t get me wrong I work HARD, always have from 16 as a pet food stall girl, so couldn’t be with a rich/poor but no work ethic person. I had a bad ex DH who left me with a lot of debt to pay.

Anyway, I struggle to find a decent relationship. Bad men see me as a meal ticket. Good men have bowed out and felt inferior.

They weren’t, I’m not a snob, I would be happy to share all that I have with someone I adore and trust. I don’t care what money someone has so long as they work hard and live within their means.

Unless she Isan awful snob, this is your issue and you need to get some help before you end up blaming her for something she can’t change, and didn’t ask for.

I really hate the reverses snobbery thing, I have had good blossoming friendships end when they see the house, because I suddenly go from the “lovely” person they met, to a princess snob. I haven’t changed, their perspective of me has.

You sound like you love your partner, work on it but do talk about when she isn’t understanding the other point of view as she really should.

Oh and I should add you do need some equality, the kind of balance @Pumpkinpied DS has seemed to achieve.

I really do think it’s “all in your head!”. She loves you very much clearly and it sounds like a lovely relationship. She doesn’t understand because simply she cannot as she hasn’t got the same life experience. It can be hard (some of my friends at university are like this). Talk to her about it and say it is important to know where you are coming from. Also do not deny yourself things mentally. E.G., You live rent free and yes you feel uneasy (maybe that is not “morally” correct way of living to you) but this advantage is “not your fault” at all! It is just how your cards have been dealt. Embrace it, come to terms with it as there’s not that much you can do about it! Xx

I think she should be willing to visit places you want to (particularly as she has the means) and not rule them out simply because she has already been and made a judgement about them. If she has so much travel under her belt does this mean that you can only go to places she hasn't already been to or places she has already assessed as being good enough?
Maybe you could take back a little independence and travel somewhere (cheap) on your own with your own money. Make all the decisions and just be your own person, when Covid allows. You just seem really disempowered to me. And I don't think that is about the money but about how she responds to your opinion (and of course your self esteem plays a part)

Hmm it sounds a little like she gets to be the 'final
decision maker' in the examples you've given.

It's hard to tell from what you've said whether the two of you have fallen a dynamic of this happening because you may already feel inferior so don't feel like you can take the lead when it's not you funding it, or whether she drives it because it's her money and so she gets the last word. Or some combination of the two. I wonder what would happen if you put your foot down and said no, actually I don't want that appliance/to go to NZ etc etc.

Might be worth exploring this together if it rings true for you?

I dated someone who shared similar predicament. So do excuse me if this response is rather subjective or crude.
From my perspective, the partner had such a chip of his shoulder and he was constantly over analysing everything I did or said. If I bought him a gift it was begrudgingly accepted because of its extravagance. If I did something personal like a letter instead then it would have been suggested that I didn’t take his birthday seriously as even his mother managed to buy him a gift despite the financial hardship. I took him on holidays and paid for everything but had to pretend he paid for it all.
His friends teasing him about punching above his weights, his parents being critical of me being spoiled simply because I could afford things. I had to distance my friends with similar background due mutual disapproval from both sides. An ex girl friend of his accused me of being a poverty tourist and only wanted him as a badge of honour for my image (that was so absurd but hurtful nonetheless). He later cheated on me with this ex and I only found out by being woken up by her text to his phone about how they have fooled me. I was humiliated by the conversation where they made fun of my trust and ignorance. How they could play me. How they would be so much more successful had they had equal opportunities as me etc. They were raging a social class war against the evil me and justified their cheating by elevating it to some sort of social injustice struggle and they were heroes in disguise.

Having said that, I have always witnessed couples who have worked it out and are blissful. So there is always hope as long as you both acknowledge the differences and accept them and comfortably live with them.

I don’t think she does ‘understand’. How would she if she has had a vastly different upbringing? But it does sound like she is making a huge effort to help you, maybe it comes across as a little clumsy but she is trying to let you be part of her life and trying to smooth over any differences by paying for things for you, so you are not excluded from doing things with her or living with her. I think it sounds like you are dwelling on things that she maybe doesn’t see as significant- if she is buying an appliance for her house where you live rent-free then it’s not unreasonable for her to have the final say in which one she gets.
There is a chance that your insecurities could drive you apart. You’re probably just not compatible though and it sounds as if maybe you would be more comfortable in a relationship with someone you feel more of an equal to.

If you don't feel like you are an equal partner but you can't pinpoint why, you might start looking for reasons and the gap in wealth might feel like the issue but really it's about meeting each other in decision making. Money doesn't buy you more rights in a relationship. It should still be joint decisions.

Do you ever talk about what your work gives you? A sense of drive, purpose, positive feelings (and bad), routine etc. If the money thing is worrying you I'd ask that there be something you do pay for e.g you pay all food or all the bills. To feel like you have a place for providing.

I couldn't be with someone who a) encouraged me to take a sickie and/or b) didn't acknowledge their own privilege.

The trouble is there is a huge gulf of understanding between you, and someone who has never had to make a choice between buying food or paying the electric bill.

She also seems to think her opinions on things somehow count for more than yours, and that's not a dynamic that would ever work for me.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I couldn't be with someone who a) encouraged me to take a sickie and/or b) didn't acknowledge their own privilege.

The trouble is there is a huge gulf of understanding between you, and someone who has never had to make a choice between buying food or paying the electric bill.

She also seems to think her opinions on things somehow count for more than yours, and that's not a dynamic that would ever work for me.

This. It wouldn't work for me at all, OP. DH and I are both from the same very poor backgrounds, and we've got where we are (more comfortable) together, and our fundamental understanding of where we are, the financial assumptions that underpinned both our upbringings and the fact that we are both supporting our parents these days is I think key in an understated way to why our relationship has worked for almost 30 years. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of rich friends who have trust funds and grew up knowing that they would inherit a lot of money, but they're not people I'm throwing my lot in with for life.

I don't like the sound of your partner. I think she doesn't understand her own privilege, and (possibly unconsciously) thinks your 'little job' doesn't matter because it doesn't pay you much. But I think you may have indirectly helped set up this unequal dynamic when you agreed to go on a trip to NZ that she paid for in its entirety four months into your relationship. You say you enjoyed the trip, but felt uneasy as you weren't paying and thus 'didn't have a say' -- I think this dynamic now structures your entire relationship, and it's not going to get better.

It may be worth having a serious talk before reconsidering your future with her, but I would certainly be telling her in the most blunt terms that you are considering moving out and getting your own place, in order to be able to determine key elements of your own life.

And it doesn't sound to me as if you have 'self-esteem' issues at all. You're feeling invisible because you are being financially carried, and don't like it.

Be grateful

@prawntoastie

Be grateful

Yeah, that's a real recipe for a successful long term relationship in which one partner already feels inferior, that