Dating someone who was born with a silver spoon

[HowTheyRollLikeThunder]

I (29) have known DP (28) for 3 years, been dating for 2.5. DP has what I'd call a very privileged life - she has no student loans, her house was a gift from her parents, great job, and she receives monthly supplementary income from her trust fund. I had a very difficult upbringing - single parent household, mum constantly stressing about money and work due having to bring up me and my sibling by herself.

DP is generally really nice, kind, and we love each other to bits. Sometimes however, I just feel like she doesn't understand things from my point of view due to how she was brought up and it gets extremely frustrating.

For instance, 4 months into our relationship she wanted to take a trip down to New Zealand. I couldn't afford it so she ended up paying for everything. Don't get me wrong I appreciated it so much but at times I did feel uneasy as I felt like I couldn't contribute anything and thus didn't have a say.

It's the same with our house. I basically live here rent free - she refuses to let me pay for anything as I've still got my loans and I make barely any money working in a non-profit - and sometimes it feels like I'm still a guest here. She also has form for complaining when I have to do overtime or work on weekends as she thinks I should spend time with her since they (referring to my workplace here) won't care.

She thinks I am insecure. I probably am. I spent my whole teenage years thinking my problems were because I couldn't come to terms with my sexuality but maybe it's more than that. I feel like I'm slowly destroying the relationship with my personal issues and inferiority complex and I don't know what to do.

@prawntoastie

Be grateful

What a silly response.

The relationship isn't balanced.
She's the boss and you follow her lead.

The dynamic is all wrong.

When I read your first post I thought the issue was mostly you and your insecurities, but the more you post the more I think it's also/mostly her.

I don't think you can expect her to understand what it was like growing up poor - she simply didn't have that experience, and surely in an ideal world we wouldn't want anyone to. But I don't care for her attitude to your job, your travel, or buying the appliance. I'm presuming it was a shared appliance for your shared home? If it was just for her what she did was fine, but if you will also be using it, that's not OK. You need to discuss and compromise on something you both want. Even if not every funded. Similarly, it is not OK for her to decide for you that the place you want to go is "overrated". Either you compromise on a destination you both want, or you take turns to choose. What would happen in e.g. the appliance situation if you said, "This is for me too, my opinion matters. You can't just decide unilaterally what we'll get"?

I was fortunate enough to grow up stably middle class - not as wealthy as her, but very comfortable - but my parents instilled a strong work ethic and I've always been committed to jobs. DH is the same. I don't think I could be with someone who didn't have a similar work ethic, it's a values thing for me.

She sounds kind which is one of the qualities I would look for in someone.

Hi OP, you both just sound very incompatible. And it's not your background, it's what you prioritise in life. You mentioned that you have picked a very low paying job because it's your passion. Which is fair enough. But the reason you can do that (have the privilege to do that) and not worry about finances, is because your gf is subsidising your rent correct? So it can never be an equal relationship.

Do you think you'd have as comfortable a lifestyle if you dated someone who earned/had the same financial situation as you? Or if you were single? If the answer is no, then you need to accept that you do enjoy some benefits her privilege affords you. And if you do want it to be equal can take on a job that helps you make a bigger financial contribution. And if you don't want to do that, and want equality, you need to break up with her and find someone who is more equal. But staying with her, enjoying privileges, not doing anything to make it more equal and then complaining about her is ridiculous. Love doesn't conquer all, and money is an important value couples should agree on. It isn't important to you, it is to her. That makes you incompatible.

Also a question to ask yourself - how much would you love your life and job, if you were having to stay in a grotty flat share with 4 other people, constantly working overtime which meant no time to date or holiday and carrying the burden of all your loans on a minuscule wage. Am I right in assuming that having a wealthy gf has allowed you to pick a job based on passion rather than practicality? Just a thought when considering your own privilege here too.

Am I right in assuming that having a wealthy gf has allowed you to pick a job based on passion rather than practicality?

Not exactly. I was working this job long before I met her. The overtime isn't a constant either and only comes along when there's an emergency. Prior to this, I lived in my mum's old house in the outskirts as mum decided to move to the countryside (she finished her part-time degree when I was 19 and is doing great now). DP wanted me to move in as she thought the 1.5 hour travel time to see each other was too long. I like my life now but I also liked it a lot before when it was simpler.

Thanks for all the replies. I have a lot to think about.

Did you pay full rent when you were in your mum's old house? Because if you didn't, then you are in the very privileged position of first your mum funding your accommodation and now your gf.... if you paid full rent to your mum then fair enough.

I am “privileged” and my other half has had some bad luck losing his job etc etc and as a result I pay for most things. However he helps in so many ways, by being there for me, by advising me, by being my rock, by helping around the house. He used to feel a bit crap tbh and guilty he wasn’t paying his way financially and was sponging off me. But what helped him was reminding him that I haven’t actually worked hard for my money. It isn’t as if I am working all hours slogging away abs he is a lazy git spending all my hard earned money. I am just fortunate. And now he can benefit from my luck too. Imagine if you won the lottery and then spoiled your partner. It really is no different from that. I honestly and genuinely do not begrudge my other half at all and love that I can help him out. If I can’t spend my money on those I love them what’s the point in having it! At the beginning he would say he didn’t want us to go out because he couldn’t afford to pay half. I told him I wasn’t going to sit at home bored but it would be no fun without him. You are lucky. Just don’t take the piss and I’m sure it will be fine

I had this. I'm not suggesting you will have these problems but my ex was I think on the look out for someone he could help, we couldn't have an equal relationship. His family also couldn't accept me for me and were constantly trying to educate me. When I became an equal earner and financially independent, he still had the benefits of his familiy's financial backing but he couldn't accept my not being dependent. Our relationship was bad in other ways and it did fail in the end. His girlfriend before me was like me, like you op, and his wife is now the same. It will be important for you to work out how much of this you need to work on and what might be coming from her, and then find your way forward.

@BibbityBobbety

Also a question to ask yourself - how much would you love your life and job, if you were having to stay in a grotty flat share with 4 other people, constantly working overtime which meant no time to date or holiday and carrying the burden of all your loans on a minuscule wage. Am I right in assuming that having a wealthy gf has allowed you to pick a job based on passion rather than practicality? Just a thought when considering your own privilege here too.

You are making a lot of assumptions here.

Are you sure that you are not a little bit miffed about your partner’s spending power? What does it matter which appliance is bought, as long as it does the job. There are bigger things in life with which to concern yourself. For example, do you really love her... if you did, would these little niggles be a big deal?

If there is a place you really want to go on vacation, if you have a full time job working long hours and do not need to pay rent, that is a reasonable saving you could make each month, which would allow you to go on your own or with another friend, if your partner has refused to go to one of your bucket list destinations, she can’t very well forbid you from ever going.

I feel like the money is a bit of a red herring that has skewed posters' responses and made people (including me) project a little based on their own circumstances.

I don't really think this is about money or privilege, or at least those aren't the main issues.

You are making a lot of assumptions here.

Everyone on this thread is making assumptions! So many comments about this woman being a snob simply because she encourages him not to kill himself over work when he's complaining about it. No one can expect her to understand what it's like growing up poor - that isn't an experience she had.

I sense a lot of people are classically judging a woman way more than they would a man: so many women make significantly less than their male partners yet I've never seen men being accused on here of being insensitive by encouraging their partners to call in sick if they feel overwhelmed? I agree with Bibbity - it does sound like you yourself are in a position of privilege now thanks to your partner (and that is nothing to be ashamed of!) and perhaps you just simply aren't compatible due to different world views. I don't think she's done anything wrong to you by being a bit ignorant about working and I think it's wrong of you to resent her simply because she grew up differently to you.

The OP is a she not a he I believe. Not sure if that is skewing people's assumptions also.

I think this is mostly a mindset issue on your side. When we first moved in together we were 25 and it was to a house that had been dps grandmas. I wasn’t paying anything towards it, but it was 100% my home and I moved furniture and put pictures up as I wanted. Dh actually objected, said I should check with his mum. I said we could live somewhere else, or I could put my pictures up. So I think you need to work on feeling like it’s your house to live in. I don’t mean paint the place, and it’s not your house ownership wise, but feel comfortable there. You should also ask your partner to respect that you care about your work and it doesn’t only fit into the convenient spots. This is the case for many people, and needs (within reason) to be respected.

Everyone on this thread is making assumptions! So many comments about this woman being a snob simply because she encourages him not to kill himself over work when he's complaining about it. No one can expect her to understand what it's like growing up poor - that isn't an experience she had.

The OP is female.

The only assumption I made was that the OP is female - not that it makes any difference.

The money isn't the issue, it's that OP's DP is the one calling all the shots.

@Stonehopper given he/she lives rent free now and doesn't even pay for bills, and admits to not earning much at all and having a lot of loans - don't think it's an assumption that his/her lifestyle would be greatly reduced if he/she had to start paying rent. Especially if previously their mum covered/subsidised rent too. I think having rent coveted is a huge privilege so it ironic complaining about your privileged DP!!

Unless rent is considered a minor household expense these days?

I really don't like rich people. You don't get rich ethically. So for me there would be an underlying issue here. This is why I don't have any fronds like this. I understand you're already in a relationship though.

Maybe some of the reason you feel uncomfortable is because of the inequality her wealth and her families wealth represents? I know you say she's lovely but it's easy to be nice when you're rich. You've got way less to be angry about.

You don't get rich ethically.

What a load of drivel!
There are many reasons someone accrues wealth and many of those reasons stem from luck, hard work, inheritance, good investment.

Nobody can help the hand they are dealt at birth, it's the luck of the draw and to judge someone on something they can't or don't need to change like having rich parents is just as deplorable and bitter as judging someone for being from a poor background.

I don't dislike rich people but it was refreshing to read a comment that wasn't assuming that the OP has a massive chip on her shoulder and should shut up about her needs and just be grateful for her DP's largesse.

We’re kind of similar OP, my partners family are very wealthy, until he qualified in the summer they were paying him a monthly allowance (despite him being on a good wage), they are also pressuring him to pick a property as they want to buy him somewhere (he doesn’t want them to). He owns a flat in Stockholm that his parents bought in the hopes of him moving back permanently.

My background is very different, we had very little money growing up and I have been financially independent since 17. I outearn my partner, but his savings are significantly larger than mine.

He was made redundant this year when his allowance had stopped, thats the first time he had zero money coming in and gave him a bit of a wake up call as he’d never had any financial worries before. He was still secure due to savings, but not having a regular income did scare him a bit.

Her money being used and her property being free shouldn’t stop you having a say. My partner doesn’t pay rent here and it will stay that way until we get married, but this is still his home so he has a say in changes, can make changes himself etc and he has made his mark on the flat to feel more at home. He would rather pay rent, but I don’t want him contributing to my mortgage, so what hes doing is saving a rental amount so he can contribute a lump sum on the deposit, well, that was the intention, it’s now going into our adoption leave fund. The same with holidays, if one of us paid for an entire trip that wouldn’t mean the other person just tagged along without having a say.

@mylovelydd

You don't get rich ethically.

What a load of drivel!
There are many reasons someone accrues wealth and many of those reasons stem from luck, hard work, inheritance, good investment.

Nobody can help the hand they are dealt at birth, it's the luck of the draw and to judge someone on something they can't or don't need to change like having rich parents is just as deplorable and bitter as judging someone for being from a poor background.

Well last time I checked I was allowed to think what the fuck I wanted.

But yeah wealth inequality is drivel. Wake up have you seen the star of the world. I've got a good salary I'm not bitter. I just care about the world and the massive social issues we have from wealth inequality.

@Okokokbear

I really don't like rich people. You don't get rich ethically. So for me there would be an underlying issue here. This is why I don't have any fronds like this. I understand you're already in a relationship though.

Maybe some of the reason you feel uncomfortable is because of the inequality her wealth and her families wealth represents? I know you say she's lovely but it's easy to be nice when you're rich. You've got way less to be angry about.

If OP feels this way then it is her responsibility to leave the relationship, her partner can't help what family she was born into. As it stands OP is currently benefiting greatly from her partner's privilege also so I disagree with many here saying that the relationship is unequal, OP is now able to focus entirely on paying off her debts and on a career she is passionate about despite it not being lucrative.