Dating someone who was born with a silver spoon

[HowTheyRollLikeThunder]

I (29) have known DP (28) for 3 years, been dating for 2.5. DP has what I'd call a very privileged life - she has no student loans, her house was a gift from her parents, great job, and she receives monthly supplementary income from her trust fund. I had a very difficult upbringing - single parent household, mum constantly stressing about money and work due having to bring up me and my sibling by herself.

DP is generally really nice, kind, and we love each other to bits. Sometimes however, I just feel like she doesn't understand things from my point of view due to how she was brought up and it gets extremely frustrating.

For instance, 4 months into our relationship she wanted to take a trip down to New Zealand. I couldn't afford it so she ended up paying for everything. Don't get me wrong I appreciated it so much but at times I did feel uneasy as I felt like I couldn't contribute anything and thus didn't have a say.

It's the same with our house. I basically live here rent free - she refuses to let me pay for anything as I've still got my loans and I make barely any money working in a non-profit - and sometimes it feels like I'm still a guest here. She also has form for complaining when I have to do overtime or work on weekends as she thinks I should spend time with her since they (referring to my workplace here) won't care.

She thinks I am insecure. I probably am. I spent my whole teenage years thinking my problems were because I couldn't come to terms with my sexuality but maybe it's more than that. I feel like I'm slowly destroying the relationship with my personal issues and inferiority complex and I don't know what to do.

The undertone here is that if you are rich you can pay to not have to respect your partner's views or needs. It seems like extreme entitlement. The OP doesn't sound like she is motivated by money at all. She just wants to have a say in her relationship.

Op I think the issue here is the unequal power rather than the money. My DH moved into a house I own, that he couldn’t have afforded to buy himself. But when he moved I insisted on going through all the furniture and decor etc together and getting rid of bits we didn’t both like and trading it in for stuff he owned or buying something new together. We also reorganised most of the storage and room set-ups together so that it felt like a new beginning and became “our house” rather than him just living in my house.

That’s because I love and respect him and want him to feel an equal partner and home occupier! Your GF should want the same for you.

Seems like she lacks empathy - can’t see your POV. As someone else mentioned couples counselling may help.
This may become a longer term issue however if she doesn’t understand your mindset.
When you come from a poorer background working and earning is at the forefront of your mind. Also to advance in your career etc and have pride in doing a good job.
She has never needed to do so , so she may not understand your mindset.

[quote BibbityBobbety]@Stonehopper given he/she lives rent free now and doesn't even pay for bills, and admits to not earning much at all and having a lot of loans - don't think it's an assumption that his/her lifestyle would be greatly reduced if he/she had to start paying rent. Especially if previously their mum covered/subsidised rent too. I think having rent coveted is a huge privilege so it ironic complaining about your privileged DP!!

Unless rent is considered a minor household expense these days?[/quote]
But the OP only moved in with her DP because the DP thought that 1.5 hours was too far to travel to see her. One has the impression from the OP that she’d rather be poorer and have the capacity to determine her own life.

Exactly!! Not everyone is motivated by money.

@tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict

The undertone here is that if you are rich you can pay to not have to respect your partner's views or needs. It seems like extreme entitlement. The OP doesn't sound like she is motivated by money at all. She just wants to have a say in her relationship.

How does she not have a say in her relationship? And how is OP's partner not respecting the OP's views and needs? She is literally providing her a home rent free so that she can afford to pay off her debts and stay in a poorly paid job that she loves. The OP has given 3 examples of her partner's behaviour which she is unhappy with - encouraging her to take time off work when stressed, saying she doesn't want to go on holiday somewhere she's been before and buying a kitchen appliance (with her own money) when the OP preferred a different one. None of these examples scream Evil Rich Dictator Woman to me. You can't 'pay to not respect your partner's views or needs', the OP chose to enter this relationship and can leave any time she pleases, her partner literally can't use her money to force her to stay.

I wonder what OP's partner's side of this would be if asked. I'm speculating but I get the sense from the way OP writes that she isn't the best at communicating what she wants/feels and her partner may be completely oblivious to the fact that the OP resents her so much for buying a different blender to the one she wanted. And as stated, the OP works AND lives rent free so if buying the blender meant so much to her she could easily have bought it herself, she chooses to let her partner provide all financial aspects of their lives, this isn't something that is forced on her.

Sorry, I missed the blender part.

My comment wasn't directed at the OP's partner but at people on the thread who are outraged at her lack of gratitude

OP I get it.

This could have been me describing my first serious relationship (which lasted 4 years, and I think he wanted to lead to marriage).

It wasn't simply the wealth inequality, it was something about the way that interacted with the rest of the relationship and his attitudes, and that's what I'm picking up here.

Having the money to go to New Zealand and take you as well - not a problem if done diplomatically and with regard to your feelings.

Railroading you into it at short notice and leaving you feeling like the charity case, dismissing the places you really want to go to as "been there, done that, boring..." - that is a problem.

And when you're in the relationship, the difference between the two situations is very clear on an instinctive level, even if you can't quite put your finger on how. You can always tell when you're being treated as a charity case, or the poor relation, or being made to feel you should continually be grateful and you're being put in a position where you can never reciprocate. And it sucks.

It sounds like there's a power imbalance in the relationship and she is the boss. That can't work.

I hope you're saving the rent you're not paying, some of it anyway, so you would have a deposit in future, or something to call your own.

@CaraDuneRedux charity case is right ... very well put

You don’t sound like equal partners, with your DP being the one in charge of all decision making. It’s easy to attribute this to her having the financial power, but we’ll never know if she’d be like this if you had all the wealth.
You need to work on yourself, you deserve to be making decisions. If your DP doesn’t want your opinion on appliances or holidays etc, then have the conversation and decide if this is for you. You don’t sound like you can take the conflict and stand up for yourself, so maybe some counselling would be better.

I think you really just need to talk about these issues and then you will see the lie of the land.

eg. 'I know you think I shouldn't work so hard and do that overtime because financially as a couple we don't need that money, but actually doing that extra work and having that work ethic is really important to me, and I need you to appreciate and understand that and let me get on with it rather than bringing it up or questioning it. Is that ok?'

Possible answer 1: 'Ok, I'm sorry, I didn't think of it like that, I just saw the extra stress you were under and thought there's no need for you to feel like that. But I hear what's you're saying about how much you value that and I respect that and I'll not mention it again'

Possible answer 2 'Well I think you're being stupid. Your job doesn't even pay that much, and nobody really cares anyway. I don't see why it's important to you.'

If you get an answer like number 1 I think you can find a way through these issues as you have a partner who's willing to hear, value and respect you. If you have an answer like number 2, well there's a problem.

@Okokokbear

Absolutely you can think what the fuck you like.
Even if it is incorrect bitter drivel.

If you have such a good salary why are you not accepting a lower one or do your 'ethics' not allow you to?
Why don't you give your good salary to those less fortunate? Surely that would even up the social issues and wealth inequality you are so concerned about? Or do you just enjoy being a massive hypocrite?

The thing is it can't be equal because you are living rent free off her.

The attitude to OP's work could be simple jealousy. The GF wants OP all to herself and doesn't like OP having other important things in her life.

Probably easier to arrive at that attitude if you've usually been able to have what you wanted but also if you haven't had long-term relationships before, so learned to compromise.

Does she work too OP? In a job that never demands overtime? Is she unambitious, not motivated to do her best or make her mark? Those values are quite separate from needing to work for money.

It sounds as though perhaps you want different things from life.

In a way your attitudes to money are similar; it isn't a priority, as a things to strive for, an end in itself, for either of you.

What do you both want fro life, what do you value, what are you aiming towards?

@Literallynoidea

The thing is it can't be equal because you are living rent free off her.

On thé rich GF’s request and presumably if the OP could chose she’d go for something she can afford