Male friend seems obsessed with me

[Pipgrin]

Long story short - I have a male friend, we used to be quite close and I genuinely enjoyed his company but I saw him as a friend only. He told me he was in love with me and I told him I didn't feel the same way, there was a lot of upset and he would make bitter and passive aggressive comments about other guys I went out with. But we agreed to try and be friends despite these issues and perhaps my better judgement. I ended up moving far away from where we both lived for life reasons, but we kept in touch and met up occasionally for concerts etc.

During the following years he would make emotional declarations of his feelings for me quite a few times more, send massive 5 page letters etc. He is a VERY emotional, sensitive and senitimental person. I ended up telling him, politely, firmly and i think kindly, that I didn't want to talk anymore for both our sakes.( He had said he was suicidal about my decision not to give him a chance) He agreed, but then started messaging me again, over and over abd over , even though I never replied.

Fast forward to now, I get an email from him saying he is thinking of moving to my city to start university. He says this decision has nothing to do with me but he's desperate to be friends. I can't help but be angry , part of my reason for moving here was to get a fresh start after a lot of bad times and part of the appeal was not having the constant stress this guy brought. He is moving here because of me, I know it and this is a smallish city so i will inevitably bump into him lots, especially as we have the same taste for gigs etc as he well knows.

Obviously I can't stop him moving where he likes , but how do I handle this and the situation in general? I want to reply to his email and tell him my thoughts but I'm just tired of the whole situation

I don't really agree that you should just block him, I think that that could potentially make him more determined to be where you are/want to chase/search for an explanation (he would know it but kid himself on that he doesn't know why you've cut him off and use that as a reason to keep pursuing you to find out).
I would send him a final message telling him that it's his choice to move but he should know that your desire not to talk or continue being friends will still stand if he was to move where you are. Wish him all the best and tell him that moving forward you think it best that there is no contact at all between you and so you are going to delete/block him on all accounts.

I think if he knows that he won't get to talk to you/be friends if he moves there, then maybe it would become less appealing.

I think I'd report him to the police on 101. Just so they know about him.

Also tell your partner everything.

Do not feel flattered by him - no-one needs this sort of pestering. Don't feel sorry for him - he is a potentially dangerous weirdo.

@ThenCatoJumpedOut

Why did you prolong the “friendship” after he made his feelings clear? Friendships do not recover from declarations of love

You really need to be honest with yourself: did you feel sorry for him? Did you like the attention?

Then you really need to end it: send a very brief e-mail or text that you have moved on and don’t want to stay in touch

Then BLOCK his mail, BLOCK his phone number

Time to grow up

This is not friendship

Because we were at one time genuinely good friends, we had a laugh together, shared the same interests and had good conversations. I thought there was some hope we could forge a normal friendship but I realize now that was very naive of me.

First you have to tell him clearly and concisely to cease and desist or you will consider any further contact harassment, do this with the written word for your own proof.

Speak to the non emergency police line at a time when you would imagine they are not busy in your area, not evenings and weekends for example. There will then be a record of this in case you need to take future actions, and most importantly, they can advise you or sign post you to those who can... phone more than once if you need to, as some individuals are more helpful than others.

Do NOT think yourself being overly dramatic about this, it is exactly such calls that may save you or others from future harm (he may have done this to others, or may do so in the future). The past threats of suicide are alarming and the police will certainly want to listen.

Do what you need to do. Good luck.

@Stonehopper

What everyone else said, OP. But I’m puzzled as to why your partner and all your family and friends don’t have the full picture, and why you seem more worried about ‘awkwardness’ and ‘drama’ if you bump into this man with your partner than about being stalked. Why would you not be completely upfront and make sure everyone in your circle knows not to give out personal information, and that this man is not your friend!

Who gave him your address for the Christmas present? And how does he have a working email address for you? Can’t you block him?

The reason I'm more worried about awkwardness and drama than anything more sinister is because I do know this guy quite well and I honestly don't see him as a threatening or violent person. I see him as unhappy, emotional and yes somewhat obsessive I know my post has set alarm bells ringing for everyone and I can see why. yes his behaviour is definitely not the behaviour of someone who is happy in themselves and emotionally healthy, but I still don't see him as the hiding behind the bins stalker type.

With that said, I think the situation has taken a turn with him suddenly announcing he's moving to my city, I've been anxious ever since I found out

@aliceandroo

I had this and the only way I could resolve it was going completely non contact- ignoring emails and messages and changing phone numbers where possible. I made the mistake once of thinking we could be friends and it all started up again so I had to completely cut him off. I also moved and he followed but I moved to London and didn't tell him the area so it was obviously a lot easier to avoid him. It's been 10 years now, I'm married and have children but the last time I checked my old email address I had lots of recent emails from him.

Thanks for your message, it sounds like a very similar situation. I made a huge mistake thinking we could be friends. It has caused nothing but upset. Unfortunately there's no hope of avoiding him here. He is into the same music as me (one of the main reasons we were ever friends) which means I'll end up bumping into him at all the local venues. I know I'll end up avoiding and missing out on things I want to go to because of this,(post Covid)

I think following you to the same city all this while later, despite knowing you have a bf is hiding behind the bins stalker.. stalkers don't start off by showing their crazy, they're just obsessive people you assume are lonely/needy etc. But when an obsession lasts this long and they're moving to be closer to you despite you stopping contact - you're dealing with something more dangerous than obsessive.

You haven't ever cut contact with him completely so you don't know how angry or how badly he'll react to lose you. The real madness only starts when victims try to stop contact or block, until then there's no reason to hide behind your bins.

You thinking he isnt dangerous doesn't mean he isn't.

OP, you need to get your head around this. You can't possibly know how dangerous this guy is.

Any response from you is going to be seen as an opening.

Ignore it and tell your partner everything. Otherwise you’re colluding in having this secret relationship with him.

Ignore, block, move on.

If/when you bump into him don’t engage in any big reunion.

Please read www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/stalking-and-harassment . You can't get a non-molestation order as you weren't ever partners. Victim Support (ues, you are a victim) should be able to give you clear advice on what to do, possibly including a 'cease and desist all contact with me in any form for ever' letter.

And don't listen to any rubbish about suicide or whatever.

Oh and tell your partner. But don't under any circumstances make him/her think that you are asking for any help other than emotional.

As someone else said, he isnt "sensitive", if he was sensitive he would be alert to your feelings and have picked up, long long before his declaration of love for you, that you had shown no indication of feeling the same. So either he is (deliberately) blind to others feelings (the opposite of sensitive) or he does know how you feel he just doesnt give a fuck how you feel because what matters is what he wants. That is a very very red flag.

What I suspect you mean by "sensitive" is gets very upset or angry if he doesnt get his own way or if someone says or does something he doesnt like. Like an angry toddler.

Comining at it from another angle...

Not that I want you to be complacent btw as
I'm sure most stalker sorts are dangerous cluster b weirdos but.. i was just thinking about it from the way that you've described him. And it reminded me if my own experience years ago.

I did have a stalker once and for the most part i guess I would have considered him non dangerous (but still creepy). He used to show up everywhere I was in college and even friends would comment on it.

Early on he asked me out the odd time but I turned him down.
Tbh he came accross as a nice soul but really high energy. I know its rude to describe someone this way but for want if a better way - like a high energy puppy. Looking back I suspect adhd and perhaps what back then would gave been called asbergers but I'm no professional so, just a guess.

At first I was a little flattered and very conscious of not wanting to hurt the poor guy (we all hung out in a group too so didnt want awkwardness) but by the end of the year...I was beyond irritated by it and glad college was coming to an end.

We were all talking in class one day about what we would do after college. He had said he didnt know. Me, naive as fuck, said where I would move (city/student hall) and which uni was the plan.

Que one year later, bumping into him in my student digs one moring too and finding out he was going to my uni! My stomach felt like it fell out of me. It hit home that this was really, really worrying.

Luckily for me, not too long into the year he developed an obsession with another girl and transferred his behaviour onto her. Though in my second year if uni I did get a message or two from him which I flat out ignored! How he got the number I dont know.

Anyway, moral if the story is

1. Dont underestimate a persons obsession and the levels they will go to with it.
2. Even if they seem nice, they can still cause fear, stress and trouble in your life. Because - you never really know what someone like that might do next.
3. Their obsession can transfer onto others. Which may save your ass. But shows it is nothing to be flattered about as it is all about their issues, not them liking you. And theres no guarantee they wint come back to you in future so, remain vigalent.
4. Even if they are nice, their complete disregard for you 'no' (and any feelings of discomfort they cause you) means that they are porentialy a danger to you.

Maybe he is 'nice but obsessive' (though tbh I dont think so if he was threatening suicide) but dont let that make you consider his feelings over your own potential safety. Your safety and your right to say 'no bloody thanks dude, bugger off!' come first.

*I should say it wasnt 'one year later' between college and uni, it was about 4 months obv.

@Wanderlusto

Comining at it from another angle...

Not that I want you to be complacent btw as
I'm sure most stalker sorts are dangerous cluster b weirdos but.. i was just thinking about it from the way that you've described him. And it reminded me if my own experience years ago.

I did have a stalker once and for the most part i guess I would have considered him non dangerous (but still creepy). He used to show up everywhere I was in college and even friends would comment on it.

Early on he asked me out the odd time but I turned him down.
Tbh he came accross as a nice soul but really high energy. I know its rude to describe someone this way but for want if a better way - like a high energy puppy. Looking back I suspect adhd and perhaps what back then would gave been called asbergers but I'm no professional so, just a guess.

At first I was a little flattered and very conscious of not wanting to hurt the poor guy (we all hung out in a group too so didnt want awkwardness) but by the end of the year...I was beyond irritated by it and glad college was coming to an end.

We were all talking in class one day about what we would do after college. He had said he didnt know. Me, naive as fuck, said where I would move (city/student hall) and which uni was the plan.

Que one year later, bumping into him in my student digs one moring too and finding out he was going to my uni! My stomach felt like it fell out of me. It hit home that this was really, really worrying.

Luckily for me, not too long into the year he developed an obsession with another girl and transferred his behaviour onto her. Though in my second year if uni I did get a message or two from him which I flat out ignored! How he got the number I dont know.

Anyway, moral if the story is

1. Dont underestimate a persons obsession and the levels they will go to with it.
2. Even if they seem nice, they can still cause fear, stress and trouble in your life. Because - you never really know what someone like that might do next.
3. Their obsession can transfer onto others. Which may save your ass. But shows it is nothing to be flattered about as it is all about their issues, not them liking you. And theres no guarantee they wint come back to you in future so, remain vigalent.
4. Even if they are nice, their complete disregard for you 'no' (and any feelings of discomfort they cause you) means that they are porentialy a danger to you.

Maybe he is 'nice but obsessive' (though tbh I dont think so if he was threatening suicide) but dont let that make you consider his feelings over your own potential safety. Your safety and your right to say 'no bloody thanks dude, bugger off!' come first.

Thank you for your reply. Interestingly, Asperger's has come up with this guy too. He said once that doctors have suggested that he may have it. At the time it seemed like he was trying to rationalize his weird behaviour but who knows.

I'm not scared of him, but he certainly causes a hell of a lot of stress that I don't need. The one blessing has been that even though he has continued to try to get in touch we live hours from each other. Now he says he's moving here I'm just angry and anxious. I feel like I'm going to be constantly worried about bumping into him

@Pipgrin

Hmmm, I have aspergers. I have never behaved like he has or stalked anyone. I am not saying he doesnt have aspergers, he may well. But he has aspergers AND a staggering (although not uncommon) sense of entitlement to the OPs time and affection. It is the entitlement that is the issue.

See that's the thing though, any person would know it would do this to you because of his suicide threats and palava before (not that he would have made them in the first place either). I dont think he doesnt know, so the question is - does he not care that it will stress you out? Or worse, does he enjoy the fact that it will stress you out? Either way, it's worrying.

But I really think you need to make it clear to him in writing that further contact is not welcome. I think if I'd been that way with mine he might have backed off. But I was young and naive and too concerned about looking mean.

At least you'll have on record that you've told him to back the fuck off, if he does show up and you end up needing the police involved.

• sorry im abermora, just didnt change the name thingy back.

Sounds like it's time to be harsh. Tell him you don't want him to o contact you anymore and if he does you'll be asking the police to have a word with him. Then block him on everything.

If he contacts you another way then ask the police to have a word. Stop being nice and hope it goes away. He doesn't care about your boundaries.

Does he know your address?

I’d ignore the emails and block him. It’s probably all just talk anyway to see how you’d react and he’d work his way around that. If he does find another way to contact you, tell him your partner will not be happy and would expect you cut all contact. If he still tries to push his delusional fantasy of you two being together then I can only suggest you go to the authorities. Keep everything he sends you now emails, texts, presents etc.

I would tell him you've already said you don't want to be in contact so can ge leave you alone please.

I had to do this and he wouldn't stop, I threatened the police if he sent one more message...then he stopped.