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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Male friend seems obsessed with me

71 replies

Pipgrin · 08/02/2021 21:18

Long story short - I have a male friend, we used to be quite close and I genuinely enjoyed his company but I saw him as a friend only. He told me he was in love with me and I told him I didn't feel the same way, there was a lot of upset and he would make bitter and passive aggressive comments about other guys I went out with. But we agreed to try and be friends despite these issues and perhaps my better judgement. I ended up moving far away from where we both lived for life reasons, but we kept in touch and met up occasionally for concerts etc.

During the following years he would make emotional declarations of his feelings for me quite a few times more, send massive 5 page letters etc. He is a VERY emotional, sensitive and senitimental person. I ended up telling him, politely, firmly and i think kindly, that I didn't want to talk anymore for both our sakes.( He had said he was suicidal about my decision not to give him a chance) He agreed, but then started messaging me again, over and over abd over , even though I never replied.

Fast forward to now, I get an email from him saying he is thinking of moving to my city to start university. He says this decision has nothing to do with me but he's desperate to be friends. I can't help but be angry , part of my reason for moving here was to get a fresh start after a lot of bad times and part of the appeal was not having the constant stress this guy brought. He is moving here because of me, I know it and this is a smallish city so i will inevitably bump into him lots, especially as we have the same taste for gigs etc as he well knows.

Obviously I can't stop him moving where he likes , but how do I handle this and the situation in general? I want to reply to his email and tell him my thoughts but I'm just tired of the whole situation

OP posts:

WitchWife · 08/02/2021 22:20

And please just remind yourself - this isn't your fault. You didn't "make him fall in love with you". He isn't your responsibility. And you shouldn't be flattered because in my experience someone who is OTT about one person will be like that about others too - it's about THEM not you. You need to emotionally detach from him and his supposed problems. He's done this to himself. You're just unfortunately on the receiving end.

Giraffey1 · 08/02/2021 22:21

Yes, block him, ignore him, do not engage. Keep a record of any messages etc from him just in case.

Wanderlusto · 08/02/2021 22:21

I think I would reply but only to tell him the police will be called if he is in touch with you again.

These sort often need the threat of police to back off. And I think you might need something like this to show you are done with his shit. But once he has seen it, block immediately.

Might be worthwhile to screenshot messages he has sent you too before doing so. Incase they delete when blocked and incase you do need to show them to police in future.

EarthSight · 08/02/2021 22:23

He's not your friend. Not anymore. He might need psychiatric assessment in the future because I don't think he can view his behavior objectively anymore. Also, all of this is about him. His needs. His emotions. His desperation. Where do you fit into that? Has probably concocted a warped fantasy where you are secretly longing for him but don't want to say so. Contact the police and start recording his actions.

xsquared · 08/02/2021 22:29

When someone mentions attempted suicide or that they were feeling suicidal as something that you did, that should be ringing alarm bells. He is an emotional manipulator and it will only get worse if he isn't stopped.

It is horrible and insidious and he is not some sort of tragic hero of unrequited love as he imagines. Wishing you the best in dealing with this. Please stay safe op.

Opentooffers · 08/02/2021 22:30

It never works trying to be friends with someone you are attracted to, or someone attracted to you, you may think you are being kind, but the kindest way is to walk away so they can move on. He's likely got some MH issues, but also been living in hope for a long time.
You need to stop contacting him right now, even negative contact is still aknowlegement of him in his eyes.

tenlittlecygnets · 08/02/2021 22:44

Christ, block him.

Sensitive?? He might be sensitive to his own feelings, but he's trampling all over your boundaries and clearly doesn't give a shit about your feelings!!!

Block on everything and ignore.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 08/02/2021 22:44

I would reply saying you're in the process of moving cities with your partner (even though it's a lie it might stop him planning to move). I would say that you don't feel he is listening to you, you feel uncomfortable and would rather he ceases contact completely. Then block on everything.

scoobydoo1971 · 08/02/2021 22:46

I had a stalker...I still do, but I do a very good job at avoiding him as much as possible. It got so bad that he was going through my bins, following me everywhere everyday, following me at work, going to my ex-husband's work place to hang around in the car park and just staring constantly. He followed me to the supermarket one day, and waited an hour in the carpark before tailgating me home. He is the only person I am afraid of. He is psychologically damaged and has a personality disorder. I moved my entire family just because he worried me so much. Please be worried about this friend of yours. He is not a normal person, with normal boundaries. He doesn't view you as a human being. To him, you are his possession. You wouldn't let a mad axeman into your life, but this man is an equal threat as he is mentally disordered and has no thought about how to be decent or reasonable in his behaviour. If you give into him, even an inch, and then reject him...he will take it badly, and there is a risk of aggression then.

Itstimetoquit · 08/02/2021 23:14

I would block him and get on with your life x

yaboo · 09/02/2021 00:46

What he's doing is called stalking and harassment. Keep a log, contact the police, and get a restraining order. I've had one of these 'friends' too, and the situation became very nasty indeed. Don't wait until he's living in your street to do something about it. Start taking steps now to protect yourself, just in case it turns nasty for you.

Time40 · 09/02/2021 02:15

I don't believe he is actually dangerous

I do. He sounds very dangerous. He's a stalker. Start protecting yourself, OP.

gutful · 09/02/2021 02:19

You need to send him one text message that says stop contacting you. Then block. Then if he still tries to communicate you have proof of it being unwanted attention.

As it stand you haven’t told him to stop contacting you so legally his advances aren’t unwanted behaviour.

Too often women feel awkward about seeming rude or impolite & try to avoid the issue by sticking their head in the sand.

bloodyhairy · 09/02/2021 02:31

Ignore and block
He could just be testing you, to see how you respond. Your silence will speak louder than words in this case, and if he knows there's no hope, may rethink his plans.

Iflyaway · 09/02/2021 04:44

I don't believe he is actually dangerous

How can you possibly know that!

In situations like this I would always consider a man like this to be dangerous. It's called self-preservation.

Stonehopper · 09/02/2021 06:32

What everyone else said, OP. But I’m puzzled as to why your partner and all your family and friends don’t have the full picture, and why you seem more worried about ‘awkwardness’ and ‘drama’ if you bump into this man with your partner than about being stalked. Why would you not be completely upfront and make sure everyone in your circle knows not to give out personal information, and that this man is not your friend!

Who gave him your address for the Christmas present? And how does he have a working email address for you? Can’t you block him?

aliceandroo · 09/02/2021 06:40

I had this and the only way I could resolve it was going completely non contact- ignoring emails and messages and changing phone numbers where possible. I made the mistake once of thinking we could be friends and it all started up again so I had to completely cut him off. I also moved and he followed but I moved to London and didn't tell him the area so it was obviously a lot easier to avoid him. It's been 10 years now, I'm married and have children but the last time I checked my old email address I had lots of recent emails from him.

bebarkered · 09/02/2021 06:49

Be very very careful please OP. Never give him your address again. If you do speak to him, bullshit him, say you've got a new guy now, and, he doesn't want you in contact with other men. Say he's got a bad temper and you wouldn't want to put him in danger by being in touch with him. X

gutful · 09/02/2021 06:54

Also the weird irked feeling you have ? That is your instinct’s way of warning you

Please listen to your instincts.

ThenCatoJumpedOut · 09/02/2021 07:01

Why did you prolong the “friendship” after he made his feelings clear? Friendships do not recover from declarations of love

You really need to be honest with yourself: did you feel sorry for him? Did you like the attention?

Then you really need to end it: send a very brief e-mail or text that you have moved on and don’t want to stay in touch

Then BLOCK his mail, BLOCK his phone number

Time to grow up

This is not friendship

OverTheRubicon · 09/02/2021 07:07

@WannabemoreWeaver

This is stalking. Get some advice asap. You need to cut contact, log any contacts he has with you and update people around you as to what is going on. Stalkers are more effective when they are able to cut you off from other people. Truth and openness with others is your most effective weapon. If you bf doesnt know what is going on, how does he know what to look out for.

This. He is stalking you and you need professional advice, not well meaning people here telling you to send him yet another response to tell him no thank you. I had a similar obsessive guy at university, he went over a number of years from a casual friend to pretty terrifying, it's not just an annoyance, it's dangerous. Threatening suicide and to.relocate is really worrying, and seeing you as his route to happiness, no matter your own feelings in the matter.

itchyfinger · 09/02/2021 07:12

He isn't thinking of moving to your city, he's trying to fish a response from you. Ignore and block. And tell your friends and family what he is up to.

FWIW, I had a creepy stalkery ex who did shit like this - once I was on a long holiday in Asia and he called me and said he had to come to exactly the same place I currently was for a work trip. Did he actually? No. Just trying to strike up some kind of interaction and make me think of him.

Pluckedpencil · 09/02/2021 07:19

The only way he will be able to get over this obsession is to have zero new input to feed it. You can help in this by closing down any social media accounts and blocking his number. You must tell any mutual friends to not give updates on your life and I'd also be very careful with whom I share my new address. I don't think stalker is always a helpful word, even if that's what he is. He has become obsessed with you and the best thing you can do is never respond and pretty much vanish yourself. I'm very sorry for you, please don't feel this is somehow your fault. It's just something that certain people are prone to sadly.

Mif4 · 09/02/2021 07:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

JollyAndBright · 09/02/2021 08:10

My response would be:

hi {old friend}
How did you know I had just moved to {name a city several hours away}?
It’s an amazing city, I’ve only been here a month but I’m loving it so far.
I don’t know anything about the university here though I’m afraid.
I hope your course goes well and everything is good with you.
Take care and look after yourself.

Pipgrin

I’ve dealt with someone like this, it took over a decade from when I finally said enough and I cut contact for him to finally give up and leave me alone, I would periodically get long rambling emails or texts about how he was feeling and how he needed me as a friend, it was only once I realised it was always about what he wanted and what he needed that I stopped engaging with his bulshit, but despite agreeing to end the friendship he still tried for a decade to contact me and rekindle the friendship.

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