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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Male friend seems obsessed with me

71 replies

Pipgrin · 08/02/2021 21:18

Long story short - I have a male friend, we used to be quite close and I genuinely enjoyed his company but I saw him as a friend only. He told me he was in love with me and I told him I didn't feel the same way, there was a lot of upset and he would make bitter and passive aggressive comments about other guys I went out with. But we agreed to try and be friends despite these issues and perhaps my better judgement. I ended up moving far away from where we both lived for life reasons, but we kept in touch and met up occasionally for concerts etc.

During the following years he would make emotional declarations of his feelings for me quite a few times more, send massive 5 page letters etc. He is a VERY emotional, sensitive and senitimental person. I ended up telling him, politely, firmly and i think kindly, that I didn't want to talk anymore for both our sakes.( He had said he was suicidal about my decision not to give him a chance) He agreed, but then started messaging me again, over and over abd over , even though I never replied.

Fast forward to now, I get an email from him saying he is thinking of moving to my city to start university. He says this decision has nothing to do with me but he's desperate to be friends. I can't help but be angry , part of my reason for moving here was to get a fresh start after a lot of bad times and part of the appeal was not having the constant stress this guy brought. He is moving here because of me, I know it and this is a smallish city so i will inevitably bump into him lots, especially as we have the same taste for gigs etc as he well knows.

Obviously I can't stop him moving where he likes , but how do I handle this and the situation in general? I want to reply to his email and tell him my thoughts but I'm just tired of the whole situation

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 08/02/2021 21:26

How awful for you and frankly very frightening, having to pacify him to keep him at arms length.

Are you in a relationship at the moment, you could say that your partner doesn't want you to have close male friends.
Other than that it could be time to confide in the authorities, keep all correspondance just in case you need it.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it is overshadowing your life, him trying to bully and coerce you into friendship and more.

Moooning · 08/02/2021 21:28

Oh God, I feel for you.

If I were you I would not reply. Stick to the boundaries you set. Every time you communicate with him it gives him something to feed on. Ignore him completely, no contact. This is really not okay. Does he know where you live? If it comes to it just grey rock him if you bump in to him. Saying that I really wonder if it's really true, could he be lying or just fishing to get a response?

MrsWindass · 08/02/2021 21:28

You need to block him on everything .

PersonaNonGarter · 08/02/2021 21:31

Please do not reply. Block him everywhere.

Ntwa · 08/02/2021 21:31

I'd ignore. He could be fishing to see how you react. Does he know you're even living in this place still?

Honeyroar · 08/02/2021 21:31

I don’t understand why you’re still in contact with this guy? He’s not really a friend is he? He stresses you. Stalks you. Tell him you’ve had enough and don’t want to have anything to do with him anymore.

Mollymalone123 · 08/02/2021 21:36

You need to block him and never respond and change email address and maybe change name on fb.

shouldreallynamechangemore · 08/02/2021 21:38

Could you tell him you are actually moving?
I really feel for you. You need to tell him not to contact you. If he continues to get in contact call the police. They were great when I got them involved when an ex was harassing me.

Griefmonster · 08/02/2021 21:41

Start logging all contact from him and stop replying.

If you must, send one message to state your boundaries clearly. No apologies. You do not want any more contact from him and you will block him from now on.

You need to get over the need to protect his feelings overr your own.

He has been threatening, harassing and stalking you for long enough.

BibbityBobbety · 08/02/2021 21:48

Why are you still in touch with him? This hasn't been a friendship for quite some time (if it ever was one and not just a cover for his feelings) and is now a full blown obsession on his end.

I think you're going to have to be brutal here and cut him off - block on everything and delete. If you try to talk to him he will threaten suicide or guilt you again. You need to stop caring about 'being nice' and start thinking of how to protect yourself. Or you will never be shod of him.

I would send him a message clearly saying you do not want to be in touch and don't want him to contact you anymore. Then block on everything. The message is so you have proof you have told him to stop contacting you, in case it escalates. If you don't actually tell him to stop, legally you'll have no recourse for a stalking claim.

Let friends and family know about him. And if he doesn't get the hint after you've said no, and blocked, and does still keep reaching out, go to the police.

This man is not your friend. Keep repeating that to yourself if you ever find yourself feeling sorry for him. All you are is an object to be possessed, not a friend.

Original poster

Pipgrin · 08/02/2021 21:53

@Onthedunes

How awful for you and frankly very frightening, having to pacify him to keep him at arms length.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it is overshadowing your life, him trying to bully and coerce you into friendship and more.

I do have a partner, which is another thing I'm worried about. As though we have our problems, I'm settled and I love him to bits. I'm dreading how awkward it's going to be bumping into this guy when we're together and the inevitable drama that will ensue. (I've my bf some of the story but not this recent development). Me being with someone has never stopped the old "friend" though. It's like he has a huge need for emotional closeness with me and can't cope without it. Despite being quite outgoing, I think he's actually quite a lonely person who craves intimacy, and our friendship is possibly been the closest thing he has got to having it.

To pick up on what you and other people have implied, I don't believe he is actually dangerous. But I do think he is obsessive. He has made it clear many times that he seems to view me as the answer to all his sadness. I've been clear that's an unhealthy way to view anyone, and he agrees. But he doesn't stop.

OP posts:

2ndtimemum2 · 08/02/2021 21:55

That sounds awful op, his behaviour is insane. He has no respect for you if he keeps trying to get you to change your mind when you've clearly told him no. You shouldn't have to continually say no.

Do you feel comfortable blocking him? Maybe tell him that you do not want his friendship as he has pushed your boundaries and made you feel uncomfortable on too many occasions?

If you do reply (and I am in no way telling you too,his behaviour would creep me out that
Id block him) maybe tell him.your after getting offered a job in another city...if he is moving to this city to be closer to you it may put him off?

ElspethFlashman · 08/02/2021 21:57

He is fishing.

He is "thinking" of moving.

My eye, he is.

Hes trying to provoke a dialogue. Don't give him one. Block him. Never ever ever talk to him again.

And whilst your at it, read The Gift Of Fear. Sounds like you need it.

Original poster

Pipgrin · 08/02/2021 22:00

@Ntwa

I'd ignore. He could be fishing to see how you react. Does he know you're even living in this place still?

I think he does - he sent me a gift at Christmas which had to be signed for so I guess he knows it's been delivered. I almost wonder if it was his way of working out if I still live here? However, I have just moved to another flat so at least he can't turn up on my doorstep( doesn't know new address)

OP posts:

TheresAnEyeInMeSoup · 08/02/2021 22:03

I'm thinking 2 words.
Restraining order.

Wanderlusto · 08/02/2021 22:05

Dude is a first class stalker.

He is not your friend. Friends don't emotionally blackmail you by threatening suicide. He took advantage of your nice nature by causing you stress and agro.

And he has not taken the word 'no' for an answer. Not even now.

Block him in everything. I think you've been clear enough with him already and replying may only encourage him. If you must reply then be bloody straight 'I am not interested in rekindling any friendship as it's obvious that is not what you are after. And quite frankly, you are a shit friend. Do not contact me again. Further contact will be taken as harassment and reported to the police'. Then block him on everything.

2ndtimemum2 · 08/02/2021 22:08

Op are you in regular contact with this guy or when you moved did you stop replying?

Sending a Christmas gift is his way of getting a response from you. You may not consider him dangerous but the more you post about him.the more worrying his behaviour seems. I would send him an email saying how uncomfortable his behaviour makes you feel, and that you are in a relationship and based on his previous feelings for you it would be neither fair or appropriate for there to be a friendship and tell him.that you want no further correspondence with him

shouldreallynamechangemore · 08/02/2021 22:09

@Wanderlusto

Dude is a first class stalker.

He is not your friend. Friends don't emotionally blackmail you by threatening suicide. He took advantage of your nice nature by causing you stress and agro.

And he has not taken the word 'no' for an answer. Not even now.

This. You need to change the way you are thinking about this. He is the enemy.

Abermora · 08/02/2021 22:11

And he isnt 'sentimental, emotional and lonely' he is batshit crazy, obsessive and yes, dangerous. Obsession is dangerous and he most definately is a danger to you.

Please stop rationalizing his behaviour by considering reasons YOU might have to act the way he does. He is nothing like you. He is a predator and emotional manipulator.

And op, dont be flatteted. He treats you this way because he thinks you are vulnerable and will excuse it. Be afraid.

WannabemoreWeaver · 08/02/2021 22:11

This is stalking. Get some advice asap. You need to cut contact, log any contacts he has with you and update people around you as to what is going on. Stalkers are more effective when they are able to cut you off from other people. Truth and openness with others is your most effective weapon. If you bf doesnt know what is going on, how does he know what to look out for.

Abermora · 08/02/2021 22:12

Might be worth contacting the National Stalking Helpline.

xsquared · 08/02/2021 22:16

This man isn't your friend and certainly doesn't love you. He doesn't respect the boundaries you have set so I would start collecting all communication as evidence in case you need to report him for harassment and stalking.

He actually sounds deluded if he thinks he has a future with you despite you being in a relationship already. I would just cut him off and end the friendship by letting him know that his behaviour towards you is unacceptable and that you do not want his friendship.

You say he's not dangerous but just obsessive. To me, that is dangerous enough and it may escalate.

Doyoumind · 08/02/2021 22:16

I agree with all the above. There won't be drama even if he does move there as you will have blocked in all ways possible and will walk away without acknowledging him should you bump into him. If he did cause problems you would resort to legal measures to keep him away. You can control this, not him.

WitchWife · 08/02/2021 22:17

Unfortunately ANY reply from you, even one telling him to fuck off, or asking him not to move to your city, will just fuel the fire. He wants to know where you are, he wants to start the conversation, he wants a reaction from you. He wants you to know you can't escape him.

I think you are scared of him (as well as annoyed) and I think you're right. You can only sort this out by two things. 1) Ignore him and anything he sends (including presents and messages and letters) 2) Tell your partner and any family members or friends who know him that he's scaring you and you don't want anyone giving out your personal data. If you have a workplace he knows, warn your manager and/or reception staff about him.

You can cut him out of your life, he doesn't have a right to you.

FilledSoda · 08/02/2021 22:20

You need to get angry about this.
How fucking dare he .

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