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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my marriage over?

70 replies

Lifeispassingby · 08/02/2021 12:42

This morning I found what’s app messaged from my husband to another woman. I locked myself in the bathroom and read them over and over whilst my husband was outside the door. The messages were mostly sexual but also wanting to meet etc. I don’t think she knows about me (not that that matters). He says its nothing and he’s just bored (he has a much higher sex drive than me and this has been an issue for a while). I shouted and screamed and now shut myself away and he is downstairs. I am so confused and shocked as I never expected this, I am at a total loss as to what to do next, I am heartbroken 😭

OP posts:
EarthSight · 08/02/2021 12:51

I'm so sorry xx

I love these 'I was bored' excuses. There are a myriad of different ways to alleviate boredom, but the way he gets his thrills is by messaging and arranging meet ups with other women.

What stands out is the talk to meet-up. What so annoys me about these men is that they clearly want an open relationship.....but neglect to tell the women this and give them the same opportunity to 'outsource' their needs. Of course the won't want their women to have that option! They want to carry on flirting and sexually messaging other people whilst their devoted and loyal girlfriends/wives stay at home. I would actually like to know what your partner would say if you calmed down and said 'I just wish you'd told me. I'd quite like to go on a date with that hot guy at the coffee shop I saw last month'.

I would say higher sex drive has clearly become an issue here to the point he's willing to cheat. I'm not sure if there's any coming back from that, but I wish you luck xx

Original poster
Lifeispassingby · 08/02/2021 12:55

@EarthSight thank you for taking time to reply, it means a lot as I feel very lonely right now. He says he had no intention of meeting her and it is just messages. He basically tried to ‘explain’ (which was just him blaming me for not enough sex, saying I’ll change then don’t, brushing him off when he tries anything- which isn’t actually true). SO now I feel that I’m not enough for him, despite him saying he wants it to work and he is sorry

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 08/02/2021 12:55

Do you go about fucking with other peoples heads and time when you are 'just bored' ? No, of course not. No one does. Unless they are some sort of cluster b weirdo. How does he think making himself sound like a sociopath is better?!

The cheating attempts are bad enough. But now he is also gaslighting you. In the bin with him.

honeysuckle21 · 08/02/2021 12:58

Chuck him out

Wanderlusto · 08/02/2021 13:01

Also 'high sex drive' lol. So what? He isn't an animal. High sex drive is not an excuse to look outwith a relationship when you have higher thinking. What, he cant ignore it? Or heaven forbid, have a wank? It's nonsense op. It might go some way to explaining a drunken one night stand that happens in a bar perhaps...it does not however excuse the planning of setting up a tinder and ongoing activity of talking to numerous women.

That shit is deliberate choice and shows no respect or empathy for you.

Run.

Original poster
Lifeispassingby · 08/02/2021 13:01

I’m struggling with hating him right now as I feel like it’s my fault partly. I know that doesn’t excuse his actions but I understand that he has felt a lack of attention etc.

OP posts:
daisyjgrey · 08/02/2021 13:02

If I was in your position with my ex husband, it would've been over. If I was in that position with my fiancé I'd try to work through it and see if we could fix the problem. It's entirely dependent on the relationship and the people in it.

The choice is obviously yours and if you don't think you can ever see yourself moving past this (which is fine and reasonable) then that's your decision to make.

Original poster
Lifeispassingby · 08/02/2021 13:03

Which also breaks my heart as all I ever wanted was to make him happy and I haven’t managed to do that. I feel like a failure

OP posts:
Plussizejumpsuit · 08/02/2021 13:04

Oh love this is awful. One thing I've learned from theany threads here is they always say they haven't met, they were just bored, they had no intention to meet, it was the first time. Unfortunately lots of the time this isn't true.

So assume the worst. Make sure you're safe physically and financially while you decide what you want. If there is any further evidence he will likely be getting rid of it right now. But you don't need evidence to decide what you want to do.

You don't deserve this op Flowers

Original poster
Lifeispassingby · 08/02/2021 13:05

@Wanderlusto of course I agree with you and the going looking for something is probably what hurts most, I think the lack of intimacy I understand though but not sure they go together

OP posts:
Newfor2021 · 08/02/2021 13:06

This is 💯 on him!! If he was unhappy he should of spoken to you and perhaps split up amicably like grown adults.
Instead he chose to lie and cheat. He will do this again, they always do. Sorry OP.

Now you get to claim back control and make the decisions:
Do you want to stay with him, knowing who he really is or do you want the opportunity to be with someone you can really love and trust?

Plussizejumpsuit · 08/02/2021 13:07

Also sorry its absolutely not your fault. I have a higher sex drive then my dp I'm female with male dp, together 16 years. We manage pretty well but I'd probably like more sex. Point of telling you this is I would NEVER cheat just cos I'd like shagging a bit more! Lack of sex isn't an excuse. Yes if it's so bad you can end the relationship. But it certainly isn't an excuse to be unfaithful. This isn't your fault.

Have you got any in real life support?

Gilda152 · 08/02/2021 13:08

Truthfully, everyone is bored out of their skulls right now and it could look appealing just talking to another person who gives us some fresh attention now more than ever. BUT. The whole contract of marriage is that you don't go outside of it. His feelings are valid. Your feelings are valid. His actions however negate what it is to be married. Nobody else can walk in your shoes and tell you what to do but I think the decision of whether your marriage is over or not is actually solely yours at this point. Do you trust him enough to continue? I personally would not but I would also understand (though not accept) that boredom has us all in its grips and some of us will fall to the darks side. If nothing else it has exposed a chasm.

Wanderlusto · 08/02/2021 13:10

@Lifeispassingby

I’m struggling with hating him right now as I feel like it’s my fault partly. I know that doesn’t excuse his actions but I understand that he has felt a lack of attention etc.
What the fuck? No. No no no no no. None of this is your fault. And its terrifying that you are thinking like this.

Best case scenario - you are mismatched and if you stay, you'll be in for a life of misery as he continues to pull this shit. And you blame yourself for not being 'enough'. When the truth is, no woman is enough for him because he is a piece of shit who does what he wants and doesnt care about other peoples feelings.

Worst case scenario: he likes you feeling 'not enough', that's half the reason he does it.

Out of interest op - does he talk a lot about his exs? Or how pretty/hot/stylish (ect) other women are? Or compare you to other women? Or leer at them infront of you?

Has he form for any selfish/controlling or manipulative behaviour in the past?

AnitaB888 · 08/02/2021 13:12

What is it with these guys?
They don't communicate with their wives/GFs about what they want/expect and then make an arbitrary decision to turn the marriage into an open relationship while she is in the dark.

It's despicable behaviour OP and there is no excuse for it.

Only you can decide, OP, if your marriage is over but whatever you do DO NOT (capitals for emphasis, not shouting) take any responsibility for his decision to cheat, THAT is totally on him.

I'm sorry.

Flowers
Original poster
Lifeispassingby · 08/02/2021 13:14

@Wanderlusto no he isn’t like that at all, he is actually the perfect (apart from all this) husband. He is very attentive, supportive, we get on great, he is complimentary to me and we have the same interests etc. This is literally so far unexpected as it can get

OP posts:
CrispsTasteSoGood · 08/02/2021 13:15

Which also breaks my heart as all I ever wanted was to make him happy

Has all he ever wanted is to make you happy? Doesn't sound like it.

Wearywithteens · 08/02/2021 13:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Triffid1 · 08/02/2021 13:28

If lack of sex was a dealbreaker for him, that's one thing. To then be messaging other women behind your back is something else entirely.

If he was that unhappy, the correct response is to tell you that he loves you but without sex he isn't sure he can continue the relationship. That he doesn't want to force you but that you appear to be incompatible when it comes to sex. So don't take any of the responsibility on. You may have some responsibility for the relationship not being great, you have no responsibility for him choosing to cheat.

SortingItOut · 08/02/2021 13:30

My husband (now ex) did exactly the same, we had a good sex life and I paid him a lot of attention.

He never blamed boredom, he did it for the ego boost.
When we split he told me he never would have left me for any of these women and I was the perfect wife.
What i took from that was that he had no respect for me and his ego boosting needs took priority over anything else.

Men are selfless bastards and will always turn it around to blame you.
When I'm bored I find something to do, I dont message men to talk sex or arrange to meet.

How do you know he hasnt done this before and actually met someone?

My husband had emotional affairs on and off for 16 years (we were married 17) before I ended it.
My self esteem and confidence were at rock bottom because I thought I was the issue, I thought I should do more so he didnt need to look elsewhere when in reality his comment after we split made me realise I could have done nothing differently and it was all his fault.

Do not minimise his behaviour otherwise you'll end up wasting years of your life like I did.
He needs to apologise sincerely and prove to you he wont do it again - blaming you for lack of sex means he is not sorry, just sorry he was caught.

Original poster
Lifeispassingby · 08/02/2021 13:38

I just don’t know how to come back from this. Even if I take on board what he says he feels, how can we make the changes that are needed? Never mind how do I forgive for this? How will I ever trust him when I’m not with him not to be doing this again? Is it possible to rebuild?

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 08/02/2021 13:41

You won’t ever trust him again, and you’ll spend your life looking for signs and wondering who he’s with and what he’s doing.

Original poster
Lifeispassingby · 08/02/2021 13:46

@DinosaurDiana that is exactly what I am afraid of

OP posts:
BadBear · 08/02/2021 13:49

Let's say you can forgive the cheating, can you forgive the fact that he's trying to pin it on you? I am sorry but that's what gets me with a lot of these stories.

Maybe I could forgive someone's infidelity, we can all mess up. But what about the fact that he doesn't have the guts and human decency to own up to his mistake rather than somehow make it your fault.

If you have issues in your relationship then you talk to the other person, you don't just find something to fill your time that will hurt the other person. If it meant nothing to him then why did he do it? How did he think it was going to resolve the issues he thinks you have as a couple?

Original poster
Lifeispassingby · 08/02/2021 13:54

@BadBear he says he was wrong and admits that and says that he is sorry. In a bid to explain it he has made it sound like my fault and like he is blaming me but insists he isn’t, just that he is trying to explain??

OP posts:
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