Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my marriage over?

70 replies

Lifeispassingby · 08/02/2021 12:42

This morning I found what’s app messaged from my husband to another woman. I locked myself in the bathroom and read them over and over whilst my husband was outside the door. The messages were mostly sexual but also wanting to meet etc. I don’t think she knows about me (not that that matters). He says its nothing and he’s just bored (he has a much higher sex drive than me and this has been an issue for a while). I shouted and screamed and now shut myself away and he is downstairs. I am so confused and shocked as I never expected this, I am at a total loss as to what to do next, I am heartbroken 😭

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 08/02/2021 13:55

It is not up to you to forgive him. It is up to him to EARN your forgiveness.

OP you are thinking about this the wrong way, you are thinking 'how can I give more of me to fix this?' about someone who has just cheated on you. Can you see how that is disordered thinking. Perhaps brought on in part by his gaslighting.

HE needs to take responsibility. HE needs to prove himself to you. HE needs to seek therapy for his issues. HE needs to be open and honest moving forwards (including no passwords on his phone ect).

What is he promising to do for you? (And watch to see he follows through) Is he tearing himself up about what he is done? Because right now it just sounds like he is blaming you. And youare believing it!

If you do give him another chance then he has to be the one to make things right. All that sex drive stuff is irrelevant right now because its past that, he has already acted on it. Now it's up to him to earn your forgiveness and trust back. Not up to you to just forget betrayal, sweep it under the carpet and give more of you to try to fix him.

BadBear · 08/02/2021 14:00

@Lifeispassingby - so his explanation of the explanation is even worse? He has convinced himself that this behaviour is a result of your behaviour, not him being unable to tackle the relationship problem head on. Ok let's get something straight here, you have done nothing to make him cheat. You cannot make someone cheat, it's a choice they make themselves.

The question is what do you want to do now? Never mind him, he can spend all day trying to justify himself. I think the most important thing is for you to get some time alone to think and calm down.

Original poster
Lifeispassingby · 08/02/2021 14:01

@Wanderlusto thank you, you speak lots of sense, I just can’t apply that to myself right now. It’s hard not to blame myself and to want to fix it by doing all I can, but I do understand and know what you say about him having to earn it is so true. He has said he wants to make it up to me and will do whatever I ask but I don’t know what that means or what I am meant to ask of him. Perhaps in time I will but right now I am hiding in the bedroom and can’t bear to think past that

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 08/02/2021 14:05

A good way to start might be to ask him to leave for a few days. Some hotels are still open. Pretty sure getting caught cheating on your wife is an acceptable reason to go elsewhere lockdown or not too (so as the situation doesnt escalate).

Showing be is ok with giving you space would be a really good start. If he refuses, it suggests he wants to hang around whilst your head is spinning so he can test the narrative and not let you think for yourself.

Ask for space and no contact for a few days. See if he respects it.

Wanderlusto · 08/02/2021 14:07

*so he can influence the narrative

Original poster
Lifeispassingby · 08/02/2021 14:10

@Wanderlusto we cannot afford a hotel otherwise I would be gone to one already. I will ask him to stay in the spare room and stay out of my way to give me as much space as I can get for now at least

OP posts:
Fabiofatshaft · 08/02/2021 14:10

Put your poker face on.

Tell him you’ve had a think about it, and he can meet this other woman, BUT, you are going to put a profile on Illicit Encounters and and take a lover or even two, because he’s rubbish in bed.

Then watch as his jaw hits the floor and he shits himself.

The entertainment value will be sky high 😀

harknesswitch · 08/02/2021 14:14

How dare he blame you for his behaviour!

He's bored? Boo fucking hoo, tell him to take up a hobby that's doesn't involve doing something that puts his marriage at risk and hurting his wife. What a prick. If he was that unhappy with his sexlife then he should have discussed it with you and left before trying it on with someone else.

Original poster
Lifeispassingby · 08/02/2021 14:15

@Fabiofatshaft Grin I actually actually Ive this idea if only I could muster the strength and bear to be in the same room long enough

OP posts:
Techway · 08/02/2021 14:23

How did he meet this woman, on a dating site? I agree with others, this usually isn't about sex but an ego boost.

What I think is difficult to forgive is the steps he has taken to get to this position..meeting someone, lying to her (assume she thinks he is a free agent) and then hiding all of this from you. Lots of steps that will have taken a while. In his mind he has justified this to himself.

I think an affair could be recovered from but he needs to look at his fragility, the vulnerability and weakness he has that causes him to break the marriage. In his mind he has justified it.

Boredom is such a weak excuse because it suggests he can't cope with normal life and expects an external person (an affair partner ) to alleviate his feelings. I assume he used to think you cured his feelings of boredom.

How long have you been together?

Fabiofatshaft · 08/02/2021 14:24

Op

Trust me, it will make him feel four times worse than you feel now........

But do it calmly and measured, not emotionally, and watch him beg like a performing poodle 👍

Outbutnotoutout · 08/02/2021 14:25

He had contacted another women
He has messaged her sexual contact and suggests meeting up
He has blamed you

I would get rid, he is an arsehole

Do you have copies of the messages and the OW telephone number. I would ring her, get her side

Wanderlusto · 08/02/2021 14:28

Thats a good shout, tell him if he wants to make amends then to hand over his phone and let you ask this woman her side.

If he hasn't deleted all the evidence already.

Fabiofatshaft · 08/02/2021 14:30

Let’s say it’s Illicit Encounters or a hook site that’s similar. He would have had to pay £150 odd quid to read messages and reply, so the intent is definitely there.

Then for a man, it’s definitely hit and miss and time consuming to hook up with a woman ( The woman have so much choice ).

A woman can mostly join free of charge and take her pick.

I’m sure there’s a Brad Pitt lookalike whose great in bed on there that would love to meet you......

Maybe you should also tell your husband that 😆

Original poster
Lifeispassingby · 08/02/2021 14:32

@Techway we have been married 8 yrs and together 10yrs. I agree boredom is a weak excuse and some of the ‘reasons’ he gave I honestly don’t know how we will change and therefore can’t prevent this happening again. To clarify he hasn’t actually met her and says he had no intention of doing so. @Outbutnotoutout I don’t have her number, after I read the messages locked in the bathroom I threw his phone down the toilet in anger Blush

OP posts:
Outbutnotoutout · 08/02/2021 14:34

Shame
She would have probably confirmed whether she knew about you.

Original poster
Lifeispassingby · 08/02/2021 14:41

@Fabiofatshaft he would have joined a free site as all our bank accounts are linked and I have them on the bank app so would know, plus he doesn’t have that kind of money available anyhow. @Outbutnotoutout she didn’t, I read all the messages several times and there was no mention of me

OP posts:
TreacleHart · 08/02/2021 14:42

Ask yourself this , if it were you that had the higher sex drive , would you go off and look for sex with someone you had been flirting with on text ?
Would you blame your husband for your behaviour of found out ?
With sex aside , and presuming you love your husband , would you even want to look for a relationship with someone via text ? Do you respect your husband before this ?
Does he respect you ?

Chimeraforce · 08/02/2021 14:47

Sorry this is happening. I would say leave but I don't know your set up. Sex is important to men, but that doesn't absolve them of responsibility. They just want to have their cake and eat it.

This'll probably happen here in future. My drive is through the floor but partners is high. I've got deep resentment for him though so that's defo part of it. If I could provide financially for me and child I'd be gone.

Original poster
Lifeispassingby · 08/02/2021 14:49

@Chimeraforce I’m sorry to hear that. Has it always been the case? It’s been the situation here for a while and it has been discussed many times but obviously hasn’t improved enough (as he reminded me this morning he has told me time and time again but nothing has changed).

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 08/02/2021 14:51

You will never trust him again no matter what.
The first time my husband sent sexual messages my trust evaporated and never came back.
He knew I didnt trust him, I would check up on him regularly, to start with he would be on his best behaviour but within 5 months he was back at it every time, and every time got caught.
I think he liked the thrill of being caught and if I got angry he took that as a sign I loved and cared for him (his parents had a marriage like this)

After 9 years I stopped checking up on him and made plans to leave when our DD was 18 but when she turned 15 I randomly checked his phone and he was messaging a woman.
I ended our marriage that night.

You will always be worrying and wondering and its no way to live.

SonjaMorgan · 08/02/2021 14:53

You're not responsible for anyone's happiness but your own.

Everyone is bored and fed up.

Mismatched sex drives are common and not a justification for cheating. Ever. Your husband is not entitled to sex and if he was unhappy with the situation he should be talking to you about it.

What do you want? Are you happy with him?

Original poster
Lifeispassingby · 08/02/2021 14:55

@SonjaMorgan I was happy and felt things were good between us tbh. This came as a shock and was unexpected really. I love him and want everything to be happy but I’ve no idea how to get there from here and even if it sounds possible if that make sense

OP posts:
holrosea · 08/02/2021 14:59

OP, you already have a lot of people speaking sense here, but I think @Techway has really hit the nail on the head in saying that he had to take steps to sex-chat with a stranger. He didn't fall ass-backwards into an accidental sex chat with a random, he sought it out.

He did that knowingly. Short-term-Covid boredom is so weak an excuse it doesn't even merit discussion, but if (and I think this is a big if) the truth is that the lack of sex and attention over the last 10 years has been so chronic that he feels he can only get validation elsewhere, that will not have happened overnight. (Sidenote: does he make you feel sexy/desired/appreciated?)

Over the course of a 10 year relationship he will have had 3650 days (give or take) to TALK TO YOU about this fissure opening up. He could have told you he felt distant or unwanted, he could have suggested some intimate time, a massage, counselling, sexy dice, WHATEVER.

If the lack of sex and attention was bad enough to end the relationship, he might also have done that.

However, I doubt he even gave it that much thought. I think your relationship was probably ticking over just fine and when he went looking for an illicit thrill, he probably didn't even consider why he was doing it and what he might mose. He probably thought "can I get away with this?" and dashed off a dick pic.

He showed you no thought, consideration or respect (all things that all of us deserve from our partners) and tried to make his deliberate actions your fault. Try to get as much space as you can, talk to a friend/sister/colleague you trust in real life and start thinking about what you need. xx

EKGEMS · 08/02/2021 15:10

Visit chumplady.com