Is my marriage over?

[Lifeispassingby]

This morning I found what’s app messaged from my husband to another woman. I locked myself in the bathroom and read them over and over whilst my husband was outside the door. The messages were mostly sexual but also wanting to meet etc. I don’t think she knows about me (not that that matters). He says its nothing and he’s just bored (he has a much higher sex drive than me and this has been an issue for a while). I shouted and screamed and now shut myself away and he is downstairs. I am so confused and shocked as I never expected this, I am at a total loss as to what to do next, I am heartbroken 😭

Yes,by "met", I thought how online?
I'm sorry you are going through this. I have never held onto the belief that affairs are caused by unhappy marriages, just a sense of entitlement and lack of respect for your partner. Texting another person whilst your spouse is nearby is just so disrespectful.

I think maybe trust could be rebuilt but it's on him to rebuild it, he has to look within himself and realise what justified this behaviour. Do you have children?

However his behaviour has made more intimacy in your marriage infinitely more challenging..how is he going to cope with that whilst he rebuilds trust?

Think very carefully about your next moves OP. Try to stay level headed and really think about whether you want to continue your marriage.

It's so very very hard to forgive, the betrayal means you'll never ever trust him again and that in itself is really hard on a day to day basis. Every time his phone pings, every time he's on his computer or walks out the front door you'll wonder if it's innocent, if he's really going where he says he is.

Boredom is a shit excuse. My H used it. Was bored at work. Well do what we all do. Find something to fill your time that isn't going to fuck the life up of the person you're supposed to love and save from any heartache no matter what.

Stay calm and think if you can deal this for the rest of your life. It's a long long road.

@Twinkie01 did you stay with your husband?

Yes but we've been together a long time and have children ranging from primary to Uni so it's not so easy.

We have counselling. Together and separately.

It's just getting over him not caring how his actions would impact me and our children. One knew as was here and witnessed some of the fallout. One still doesn't know as is away at uni and the youngest knew I wasn't happy and kept asking me why I was sad all the time which was heartbreaking.

How does one take a path knowing it'll destroy the person they are supposed to love and keep safe, how do you lie to that person, it's beyond my comprehension.

You'll have people tell you you need to get some self respect and to LTB, he's done it once, he'll do it again and that you'll never get over it but only you know if that's true. I am not over it. Things still upset me a year later, a song which he said he liked which I know was probably her taste and not his, her name coming up as a character on TV and the anniversary of the day I found out. It crosses my mind at least once every day. You've got to think really carefully about whether you could cope with that.

H is embarrassed and very remorseful. He sort of went completely blank whilst it was going on, as though someone had taken the bits that made him him, made me love him and left a shell, one which wasn't particularly nice to me. He wants this to work, begs, cries every so often and berates himself for what he has done to our family. I just think how could you, I loved you so so much, how could you hurt me like that. Will we be ok? I don't know. I'll never love him like I did before and I put up with a lot less shit than I did. I'll never completely trust him too.

I don't know if that's what you wanted to hear. If it helps at all. It's very hard and only you know if your marriage is worth going through it to get to a place you can be happy again or as happy as it's possible to be after this has happened to you.

I'd definitely be more unhappy without him, would you be more unhappy without your H? Can you see a life without him?

OP - I know exactly how you’re feeling and the gut-punch when you discover the man you thought was so wonderful and perfect is actually a lying scumbag. I’m nearly ten years on from this and still don’t trust my dh - I never will. He was messaging several women, not just one and was discussing plans to meet up. He’d also compiled a list of stats about various women (I can’t believe I’m writing this but it’s sort of a record to myself so I don’t forget as he destroyed the evidence) even saying things as vile as “nice tits” and “likes kinky sex” and notes about what area they lived in. Like your dh he told me it was just titillation and because he was bored etc. I realise now it’s bollocks.
I wish I’d left when I found out tbh but I was pregnant at the time and we weren’t married. I was very vulnerable and had no money of my own.

It’s horrible wondering if they are where they say they are every time they leave the house and the negative effects it has on your MH and self-esteem. My dh did the same as yours and tried to blame it on lack of sex which was a load of bollocks as we’ve always had regular sex, with me succumbing to his kinks in order to “keep him happy”
I think if he was being truthful about his reasons for doing it he would’ve said “no you haven’t done anything wrong - I just can’t be content with one woman as it doesn’t excite me long term - and I deserve to have my needs fulfilled”. Of course he won’t say this as you would just end the relationship there and then and they don’t want that - they want their cook/cleaner/regular sex-giver to remain - finding someone to shag regularly is probably quite hard work. Also he would hate everyone to know what a bastard he really is (he prides himself on being a family man and “great dad/provider”)
I really wish I hadn’t said anything at the time and had bided my time and done some detective work as I now know he is probably just more careful about covering his tracks. He always maintained they didn’t actually meet up, but then he would say that wouldn’t be? They’ll lie again and again to get what they want.
Divorce looks more and more appealing. Especially now he has started to suffer from ED and I’m thinking well, maybe what’s good for the goose is good for the gander....

I am still very angry as you can probably tell! Don’t be me OP...

@Twinkie01 I was happy but now? I’m not sure if I can see a life without him in it, but I don’t know if that’s because I can’t face the pain, the selling the house, telling his kids, rehoming the dogs, moving into some dingy flat as that’s all I’d be able to afford etc. Your comment shave given me lots of think over so thank you for that. I am moving between feeling kind of numb/removed from the situation, to angry, to really really sad and back round again, maybe I need to Wait for things to settle before I can make any decisions?

@Twinkie01 it’s the insecurity and mistrust I don’t know if I can get over. I had a long term relationship between my husband with someone for 8yrs who cheated and I found out in a similar way- although he was sleeping with a colleague. My husband knew how much that hurt me and how hard it was for me to trust again etc and he always promised he would look after me and he wouldn’t do that and now it feels like I’m back there again.

Op

@BeautifulStar

I don’t think anyone can add anything more poignant, profound and probably more true than Star.....

The very fact that he’s trying to project some or all of the blame on to you, makes any apology or show of remorse, fake.

It’s easy to say LTB, but if you have children ( Do you have children !? ), a nice comfortable lifestyle and things were generally good between you, it can be hard, very hard to break it all up.

Read @Beautifulstars post several times.......

It’s not it could be you, it is you.

I meant before my husband not between him!

Oh I'm so sorry lovely.

Take your time. You don't need to make any decisions immediately.

If it were me, I would ask him to stay elsewhere for a few days to give you time to think without him trying to influence things.

Talk to family. Don't be ashamed.

I suspect the trust is lost now, but again, you don't need to decide anything straight away. Let the shock go and have some time to think through the practicalities x

@HighSpecWhistle thank you, I am taking sometime before making any decision as I don’t want to rush anything I might regret either way. I am scared the trust has gone but I am scared I will think it can all be fine when it can’t be, if that makes sense ( I think I’m scared of staying thinking it will be ok and then it not being ok)

Op I am sorry. You want things to go back to normal but they never 2will. You'll not have the trust that was there before.
When he isn't with you, you'll wonder.
When he's late home, you'll wonder.
When he's gone for a run alone, you'll wonder.

Its no life. May as well pull the plug now than limp on for several years.

[quote Lifeispassingby]@HighSpecWhistle thank you, I am taking sometime before making any decision as I don’t want to rush anything I might regret either way. I am scared the trust has gone but I am scared I will think it can all be fine when it can’t be, if that makes sense ( I think I’m scared of staying thinking it will be ok and then it not being ok)[/quote]
It's difficult. That's why you should take time. Don't let him push you into confirming what you plan to do anytime soon. A day or two isn't enough to process this.

But also - you can always change your mind. Even if you decide to stay, that doesn't mean you can't leave whenever you feel it's not working. And vice versa. If he really loves you then he won't jump ship straightaway even if you say it's over.

If I'm brutally honest, I don't think he's happy in the relationship. Because when you're happy (even when aspects can be improved) you don't seek relationships outside of your real relationship. And I don't think this is about you, it's about him. He doesn't know what he wants. Personally I do think the best thing to do is leave him. I think there's a high chance this will happen again. But it's what YOU want that matters and it's too soon to know what that is at the moment.

OP you know now he is a liar, so whether you choose to believe that he had no intentions of meeting her is up to you. He may have already met other women, you just don’t know about it.

Also, you are hardly going to be wanting much sex in future with this lying scumbag. Imagine cuddling up to that?!? Urgh, it will always be in the back of your mind. So his requirement to have more sex has backfired. He will likely getting less (if any) rather than more!

He is absolutely lying that he wasn’t going to meet her. You do realise that don’t you? He’s only sorry he got caught.

Op

@HighSpecWhistle’s comments are excellent.

Ask him to meet your wishes and let / ask him stay somewhere else for a few days.

It will give you time to think without being influenced or manipulated.....

And it will make him realise the gravity and seriousness of his actions.

OP I've been through something similar but different, I know the shock, the lies, the loss of trust. I think you need to talk to your OH, you need to tell him what he has done to you, he needs to hear the impact his behaviour has had. He needs to be reminded of the promises he made you when you told him about your ex and what a fragile thing trust is, so long to build up a moment to destroy. If you can't talk then consider writing a letter detailing what he has done to you. i found it extremely cathartic to write everything down. You can get over this and improve the relationship if he is prepared to put the work in but you have the power now, remember that, the decision is yours to forgive or to move on.

There's every chance he wouldn't have met up with anyone, the thrill of the contact may have been enough. But who knows, and it is a huge betrayal no matter what. You have to concentrate on what you need now. Before you make any decisions I would really seriously consider counselling, it was what turned our relationship around. I know you say you don't have spare cash so you could try Relate, I don't know what they will provide. If you have any savings I would take a look at the BCAP website and find someone near you. It isn't cheap but some counsellors will help for reduced amounts if you can't afford the full price. x

@BeautifulStar

OP - I know exactly how you’re feeling and the gut-punch when you discover the man you thought was so wonderful and perfect is actually a lying scumbag. I’m nearly ten years on from this and still don’t trust my dh - I never will. He was messaging several women, not just one and was discussing plans to meet up. He’d also compiled a list of stats about various women (I can’t believe I’m writing this but it’s sort of a record to myself so I don’t forget as he destroyed the evidence) even saying things as vile as “nice tits” and “likes kinky sex” and notes about what area they lived in. Like your dh he told me it was just titillation and because he was bored etc. I realise now it’s bollocks. I wish I’d left when I found out tbh but I was pregnant at the time and we weren’t married. I was very vulnerable and had no money of my own.

It’s horrible wondering if they are where they say they are every time they leave the house and the negative effects it has on your MH and self-esteem. My dh did the same as yours and tried to blame it on lack of sex which was a load of bollocks as we’ve always had regular sex, with me succumbing to his kinks in order to “keep him happy”
I think if he was being truthful about his reasons for doing it he would’ve said “no you haven’t done anything wrong - I just can’t be content with one woman as it doesn’t excite me long term - and I deserve to have my needs fulfilled”. Of course he won’t say this as you would just end the relationship there and then and they don’t want that - they want their cook/cleaner/regular sex-giver to remain - finding someone to shag regularly is probably quite hard work. Also he would hate everyone to know what a bastard he really is (he prides himself on being a family man and “great dad/provider”)
I really wish I hadn’t said anything at the time and had bided my time and done some detective work as I now know he is probably just more careful about covering his tracks. He always maintained they didn’t actually meet up, but then he would say that wouldn’t be? They’ll lie again and again to get what they want.
Divorce looks more and more appealing. Especially now he has started to suffer from ED and I’m thinking well, maybe what’s good for the goose is good for the gander....

I am still very angry as you can probably tell! Don’t be me OP...

This is really sad to read. Very honest and real, but sad. I think lots of women would have stayed in your position. It's easy to say leave but hard to do.

Can you not leave now? What's stopping you? You deserve proper happiness, whatever your age.

@BeautifulStar. What a terrific post- you have put into words my exact feelings. I stayed too for various reasons , partly in my case because I found out around 10 years after it happened - the gut punch is exactly that. I have tried to feel the same and there is no hate but it’s like someone snuffed the candle out and after 20 odd years I feel sad that I can’t reignite it . I’m not sure at almost 60 I can be arsed to start again or be pretty hard up but I sure as hell keep
My wits about me these days and don’t always put him first. Etc, I also made sure I developed some female friendships so I didn’t feel quite so alone when the shit hit the fan. You will have the upper hand now OP, either use it and leave or use it and say there isn’t going to be any sex anyway whilst you have a damn good think about things.

Thanks to everyone for all their words wow support and advice. We have started talking and talking and talking which I think is a good place to start. I’ve specifically said no promises about the future but in my head I’m not ruling anything out at this stage