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Original poster

I seem to be in a relationship with DP and his friends

53 replies

SideEffects · 08/02/2021 07:07

DP and I have been together for about 3 years now. He has a solid group of 3 friends that he met in uni that he's known for about 15 years. Prior to this coronavirus situation, a majority of our dinners, barbecues, movie trips, overseas trips and the like involved all 3 of these friends and their partners. This never seemed to be a problem though as he stayed over quite a lot so we did have a fair bit of 'us time'.

In the past few months though, their presence seems so firmly embedded in our relationship it's really starting to irk me. 80% of our conversation happens in the group chat instead of our personal one (he asks me how's work, what's for dinner etc stuff like that on there), we talk on FaceTime about 4 times a week and 3 out of 4 times he'll invite at least one of the others into the call (one of the women is single now so she's in practically every call), and when we were talking about the trips we could make once this whole coronavirus thing is over, he suggested that a better idea (as opposed to just us two going somewhere together) would be if we could all take a trip together instead!

I told him on two separate occasions that I love his friends that I now consider my friends but that I want to spend time with him alone and both times he apologised and said he understood. Less than a week would go by, he'd say that he had something he wanted to show them, and within 30 minutes I'd find myself in a group call again.

Am I being oversensitive? Is this normal? Confused

OP posts:
redcarbluecar · 08/02/2021 07:14

Don’t know if it’s ‘normal’ but the key thing is that you don’t like it. It doesn’t sound as if he’s really listening to you.

Mumdiva99 · 08/02/2021 07:27

Not really....IMHO. Normally people in a relationship want to spend private time getting to know each other and enjoying each other.

Nothing wrong with having mates, spending time with them and still ensuring those friendships are nurtured. But not all the time.

StephenBelafonte · 08/02/2021 07:36

Hmmm, has he got kids? I fully understand that kids come first, but i'd want to be next. If he doesn't have kids then i'd expect to be his number one priority, otherwise, whats the point of the relationship?

fuzzymoon · 08/02/2021 07:45

That's quite strange.
Lovely to have a group of friends but just about every call and text should be just the two of you.
The others must think it's mad that he asks what you want for tea on a group chat.
He needs boundaries. You two text and chat alone. Then there's a bit of group chat running alongside that.
Our friends group chat is about sending funnies or arranging the odd zoom quiz get together.
Before Covid did you go out just the two of you or were his friends always there ?
If you never went anywhere without them that's odd as well.

Original poster
SideEffects · 08/02/2021 08:17

Before covid when we went out it was largely in a group as well. I attribute that to us mainly liking 'group' type activities e.g. barbecues or playing beach volleyball etc. We were massive homebodies though so could usually spend entire weekends in bed with a movie. Now that we don't do that it's a bit jarring how we don't seem to have any alone time together anymore.

OP posts:
borntobequiet · 08/02/2021 08:22

Write a novel or sitcom about it. This will entertain everyone else but unfortunately upset your DP and his friends. However you will earn some money, and can always find another DP more suitable for your improved literary status.

Chiccie · 08/02/2021 08:27

Very strange but I’ve never had a group of friends like that so I’ve no idea if it’s normal

Dery · 08/02/2021 08:28

“That's quite strange.
Lovely to have a group of friends but just about every call and text should be just the two of you.
The others must think it's mad that he asks what you want for tea on a group chat.
He needs boundaries. You two text and chat alone.”

This. Good luck with this, OP.

Isadora2007 · 08/02/2021 08:29

Does he live with you or see you face to face any more?

Thebusiness · 08/02/2021 08:30

It does seem a bit odd.

Zerrin13 · 08/02/2021 08:34

Why is he asking his girlfriend questions on a group chat. Has he no need for privacy? What has it got to do with them??
This is bizarre. All this wanting to include them in everything is totally childish. Hes acting like one of my teenagers.

Original poster
SideEffects · 08/02/2021 08:43

No we don't live together. Haven't seen him face to face in about 3 months as he moved to Wales to be with his mum for a few months as she's high risk and alone.

OP posts:
StephenBelafonte · 08/02/2021 08:44

He moved to Wales? Doesn't he have to work?

Original poster
SideEffects · 08/02/2021 08:45

Why is he asking his girlfriend questions on a group chat. Has he no need for privacy? What has it got to do with them??

To him the 4 of them have known each other for so long there's no more 'secrets' between them and he thinks that chatting there is just easier as the rest can chip in if we're talking about restaurants for e.g. and there's no need to faff around in various private chats.

OP posts:
Beefcurtains79 · 08/02/2021 08:45

Does he think he is a character in ‘Friends’?
How old are you both?

Original poster
SideEffects · 08/02/2021 08:45

He moved to Wales? Doesn't he have to work?

We all work from home.

OP posts:
Original poster
SideEffects · 08/02/2021 08:47

Hah if only we were that carefree and could sit in a coffeeshop all day long! Early-mid 30s.

OP posts:
MoreHairyThanScary · 08/02/2021 08:49

If he messages you on the group chat reply as a private message? It might highlight just how often he is doing it.

pictish · 08/02/2021 08:50

@SideEffects

Why is he asking his girlfriend questions on a group chat. Has he no need for privacy? What has it got to do with them??

To him the 4 of them have known each other for so long there's no more 'secrets' between them and he thinks that chatting there is just easier as the rest can chip in if we're talking about restaurants for e.g. and there's no need to faff around in various private chats.

I think this is quite odd actually.

Group chat yes, group chat as the default...weird.

I would have put him straight ages ago. I’m not in a relationship with your friends, fucking stop it.

Palavah · 08/02/2021 08:50

It sounds as though the 1:1 intimacy has gone from your relationship. I'm not sure if that is just since he moved in with his mum or predates it, but it's not normal, and you're clearly not happy with it.

Jumpers268 · 08/02/2021 08:54

I think it's so strange that he messages you in the group chat. If my DP did that I'd think he'd got the wrong chat. And you've not seen him in 3 months and the post Covid trip now has to include his friends, rather than just the 2 of you? No, you're definitely not being over sensitive. You may need to just be quite blunt about it, and say, no can you not invite anyone onto this call, can the trip just be the 2 of us etc.

pictish · 08/02/2021 08:54

Do his friends conduct their relationships openly to accommodate his involvement too?

If his friends don’t do this...why does he?

23451A · 08/02/2021 08:57

It sounds like you have become just friends and are now seen as part of the group rather than a separate personal relationship.

Original poster
SideEffects · 08/02/2021 08:59

A good majority of our private conversations somehow moves into the group chat. I was talking about this pasta I was making before he said 'oh, x loves Italian food' and before I knew it the whole conversation had migrated into the bloody group chat. Can't go 10 messages before one of these people are being dragged into the conversation.

OP posts:
Margotshypotheticaldog · 08/02/2021 09:00

It sounds as though you are now one of his friends, and that's why you are included in the friends group chat for everything 🤷