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Original poster

I seem to be in a relationship with DP and his friends

53 replies

SideEffects · 08/02/2021 07:07

DP and I have been together for about 3 years now. He has a solid group of 3 friends that he met in uni that he's known for about 15 years. Prior to this coronavirus situation, a majority of our dinners, barbecues, movie trips, overseas trips and the like involved all 3 of these friends and their partners. This never seemed to be a problem though as he stayed over quite a lot so we did have a fair bit of 'us time'.

In the past few months though, their presence seems so firmly embedded in our relationship it's really starting to irk me. 80% of our conversation happens in the group chat instead of our personal one (he asks me how's work, what's for dinner etc stuff like that on there), we talk on FaceTime about 4 times a week and 3 out of 4 times he'll invite at least one of the others into the call (one of the women is single now so she's in practically every call), and when we were talking about the trips we could make once this whole coronavirus thing is over, he suggested that a better idea (as opposed to just us two going somewhere together) would be if we could all take a trip together instead!

I told him on two separate occasions that I love his friends that I now consider my friends but that I want to spend time with him alone and both times he apologised and said he understood. Less than a week would go by, he'd say that he had something he wanted to show them, and within 30 minutes I'd find myself in a group call again.

Am I being oversensitive? Is this normal? Confused

OP posts:
Jsnn · 08/02/2021 09:00

It sounds like this is a temporary thing as you stated you had no issue with how things were before. Lockdown will end, his mom will get vaccinated, he will probably come back, it will probably go back to how it was. In the meantime just be more direct with him, keep reminding him. Its annoying but it is what it is. If this is your biggest problem during this whole last year I don't think it's that bad.

pictish · 08/02/2021 09:01

Do his friends do the same?

timeisnotaline · 08/02/2021 09:01

Perhaps start to just reply to every thing he messages to you on private chat instead of the group? It does sound weird.

FelicityPike · 08/02/2021 09:01

@23451A

It sounds like you have become just friends and are now seen as part of the group rather than a separate personal relationship.
Yeah I agree with this. I think you might need to consider things. Sorry.
Original poster
SideEffects · 08/02/2021 09:03

Do his friends conduct their relationships openly to accommodate his involvement too?

One of them is in a LTR with someone who works the graveyard shift so we hardly see them, one is mostly single, and the last's boyfriend shows up in all our group outings but isn't much of a 'screen person' so doesn't join in on group chats and FaceTime.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 08/02/2021 09:03

Exit the group chat
You don't need to give a reason
If you're asked for a reason don't give them one except that you're too busy

LivingDeadGirlUK · 08/02/2021 09:10

Has it got worse since he moved to Wales? Could lockdown be taking its toll on him? If he and his friends met up a lot pre covid the whole moving away from them and you might be making him unhappy?

Original poster
SideEffects · 08/02/2021 09:20

I wouldn't say worse, just more apparent? Pre lockdown we got to spend quite a lot of time together at home so it was good fun seeing his friends when we're out. Now though, we don't spend any time together in person and I've noticed that when it comes to FaceTime/messages if it's not anything sexual or overly personal his friends will inevitably be looped in to the conversation!

OP posts:
harknesswitch · 08/02/2021 09:26

It all sounds a bit odd, like you've somehow morphed into another friend who he sleeps with when he sees you. Just keep responding to him in a personal chat.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 08/02/2021 09:28

I was just thinking that if he keeps bringing them into conversations it means they are on his mind. It's prob quite lonely having to head off somewhere different and then be in lockdown.

My friendship group is similar but we have a group chat for ourselves and only couples where both are in the group are in there, because its full of in jokes and nerd chat that we assume the partners don't want to hear! If my partner kept dragging our private conversations into a group chat I'd be a bit annoyed (and my partner and I have a constant text chat going through the day).

Anydreamwilldo12 · 08/02/2021 09:31

Just tell him you will not be replying to any more messages on the group chat. It's ridiculous and he needs to bloody grow up.

IthinkIm · 08/02/2021 09:33

No. That's not normal.

EarthSight · 08/02/2021 09:35

This is almost amusing. Seems like he's either an extrovert or he regards you as just another one of his friends - one he happens to have sex with. It doesn't sound like the kind of person who's serious about having an intimate partner to me. It's difficult to say without knowing him, but I'd like to quiz him if he's ever really felt close to anyone, if he knows what romantic, deep love feels like.

one of the women is single now so she's in practically every call

Sorry........whaaaaaattttttttt??

Again, there is almost something amusing about this. Does he think he's still at secondary school or something. Bless him lol. I mean it's great that he loves his friends but I don't think he even knows what a 2 person relationship actually is. 😆 Can't imagine how any of this works if you live together. Next he'll be asking you if you want to participate in group sex lol!!

EarthSight · 08/02/2021 09:35

I meant 'unusually extroverted'

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 08/02/2021 09:37

It's not normal-normal, but I think in these weird times hardly anything is normal. It wouldn't be normal for your BF to move to Wales, for example - if that happened in normal times there would be lots of talking that through, whether you wanted a LDR, etc etc,

I guess what I'm saying is it's not necessarily a sacking offence given how weird everything is. I think he sounds really lonely.

I'd be tempted to always reply in the private chat. And if he adds other people to a FaceTime call I'd just say 'oh hi pal, didn't know you were joining us, unfortunately I have to go.' And duck off. But I'd also be really keen to have group calls at a prearranged time - in other words, reset your boundaries and do a bit of training. I wouldn't make a decision until things go back to normal.

EarthSight · 08/02/2021 09:38

Also, what does he do for a living?

Whatsnewpussyhat · 08/02/2021 09:38

No, it's definitely weird.
I'd dump him. You've already tried telling him.

dottiedodah · 08/02/2021 10:11

Has he had a serious GF before? I mean this is a thing where in your younger years you may want to spend time with your mates ,but usually tails off a bit as you get older.

KarmaNoMore · 08/02/2021 10:17

I think you are migrating from the partner category to the friend category. Is your relationship well otherwise? Or does it seem to be cooling down?

Gilda152 · 08/02/2021 10:32

I wouldn't like this and have been in a position where I got almost forcibly made to be in DP's friends group and then when I started wanting a bit of autonomy i.e. choose a different bar to go to or not go and watch football every sunday with them all, or go to one of their mums for New Years Eve every year - well I got edged out and he replaced me with the manager of his local pub where he and his group of friends had all gone for years so...

He's got a slight pass because - Covid and weird times etc - but in my experience, if you don't fit in and comply with the friends group then you're not the one for him and why should you? You should be a priority in your own relationship. If I'm being honest I'd let him drift. His loyalties don't lie with you they lie in his friends group to which you are currently invited (all on his terms).

Flyg · 08/02/2021 10:37

@SideEffects

A good majority of our private conversations somehow moves into the group chat. I was talking about this pasta I was making before he said 'oh, x loves Italian food' and before I knew it the whole conversation had migrated into the bloody group chat. Can't go 10 messages before one of these people are being dragged into the conversation.
That would really do my head in. I used to date someone who was a bit like this, he chose them when i wanted to see more of just him. We broke up and it was for the best.
Palavah · 08/02/2021 10:41

@Margotshypotheticaldog

It sounds as though you are now one of his friends, and that's why you are included in the friends group chat for everything 🤷
This
ChequerBoard · 08/02/2021 10:43

Sounds very odd. Having group chats is gone but it's becoming exclusively group and no 1-2-1 chats then I agree with others than it seems like he is moving you from 'significant other' to 'general friend' category.

Is his interaction with you in the group chat any different with you than any of the other participants?

wibblewombat · 08/02/2021 10:44

Is he from South Wales?

I was Uni flatmates with a lad who had a group of friends, who would be exactly like this, if the technology had been there. He always put them first...

Boundaries!

Original poster
SideEffects · 08/02/2021 11:05

Is his interaction with you in the group chat any different with you than any of the other participants?

He's very sweet to me in the group chat, so much so that the other 3 occasionally tease him for it. Confused

The thing is if I were in uni with them I'd probably be a part of their friend group as we have all the same hobbies and get on supremely well. In his mind, that's a good enough reason as to why it's natural for us all to want to hang out as a group! He doesn't seem to understand why I want us to spend more time one-on-one.

OP posts: