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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I seem to be in a relationship with DP and his friends

53 replies

SideEffects · 08/02/2021 07:07

DP and I have been together for about 3 years now. He has a solid group of 3 friends that he met in uni that he's known for about 15 years. Prior to this coronavirus situation, a majority of our dinners, barbecues, movie trips, overseas trips and the like involved all 3 of these friends and their partners. This never seemed to be a problem though as he stayed over quite a lot so we did have a fair bit of 'us time'.

In the past few months though, their presence seems so firmly embedded in our relationship it's really starting to irk me. 80% of our conversation happens in the group chat instead of our personal one (he asks me how's work, what's for dinner etc stuff like that on there), we talk on FaceTime about 4 times a week and 3 out of 4 times he'll invite at least one of the others into the call (one of the women is single now so she's in practically every call), and when we were talking about the trips we could make once this whole coronavirus thing is over, he suggested that a better idea (as opposed to just us two going somewhere together) would be if we could all take a trip together instead!

I told him on two separate occasions that I love his friends that I now consider my friends but that I want to spend time with him alone and both times he apologised and said he understood. Less than a week would go by, he'd say that he had something he wanted to show them, and within 30 minutes I'd find myself in a group call again.

Am I being oversensitive? Is this normal? Confused

OP posts:
brunetteonthebus · 08/02/2021 12:00

Groups chats etc weren't really a thing when I met my DH (15 years ago) but I can imagine he may have done similar if they were. But he was 23 then!

He had a close group of friends, and had never had a serious girlfriend before he met me. When we were first together, maybe the first year or two, every holiday was always suggested as a group thing. Always with a group night out. I didn't mind doing these things but I did not want to to only these things. I wanted us to have holidays on our own, meals out on our own too.

It took a while but I trained him out of it. Also, he grew up as did everyone else. We did go on the holidays but sometimes we'd stay at a different hotel close by and see the friends for 3/4 days of the 7 for example. So we compromised. We'd go on the big night out/away with everyone, but the next month we'd have a night away just the two of us (we were young with lots of disposable income then!).

He soon realised he quite liked spending time with just me Grin

We are still close friends with most of them, everyone's married with children of various ages, the odd couple split. We still see them all, we just have bbqs on a Saturday afternoon these days. There is still a hardcore group of friends with no children who go out a lot more but really, the majority of it tailed off years ago. It's really not usual to be in almost constant contact with your friends when you're out of the teenage/young adult years.

I could tolerate it, and compromise with it when I was in my early twenties. In mid/late thirties I'd find it weird, immature and annoying as hell and I wouldn't live with it. I'd have a chat about it in case he didn't realise how I felt about it and if he didn't care or carve out time and privacy just for us then I would end it!

Chiccie · 08/02/2021 12:06

He’s not really a suitable or viable long term/husband prospect is he? Time to move onid say. He seems very juvenile. Decide what kind of relationship you want and go get that. Keep him as just a friend. You’re not exactly getting any love/passion/romance are you!!

Greenevalley · 08/02/2021 12:11

Sometimes people don't understand how you feel until they're in the same situation.
Ask a friend to be on standby for a few nights and bring them into your chat.
He'll likely get the message.

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