How often do you expect to talk to your adult children?

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Dh is current having a heated chat to his parents. They called this morning, and he missed it as he was in the bathroom. He called back, but they didn’t answer. He called again at 8pm, and now they’re chatting... but his mum is very annoyed that he didn’t answer, and wants to know what was more important than talking to them.

They’ve always been pretty full on, to me. When we met, his mum would find a reason to meet every single weekend... down to just showing up, if we avoided making plans, and getting annoyed if we weren’t home...

They did the same on our honeymoon, calling multiple times until we answered and then just wanting to chat.

They’re lovely people, but it feels like so much pressure. We’ve had the same call once a week for almost a year...

Tonight they wanted to tell DH that they’ve found a house that they like 15 minutes from our house. We’re hoping to move soon, but they don’t know that. I feel like he’s become the default answer when they’re bored or fed up...

He’s being quite calm at the moment and I’m trying to stay out of it, but I can hear them from the next room demanding to know why he didn’t answer, and reminding him that they are his parents...

You should tell them you're hoping to move. I can't imagine why your DH did not tell them when they mentioned they'd found a house.

Your question "how often do you expect to talk to your adult children" is not really the point of this thread is it?

It's more you looking for reassurance that his parents or Mum at least, are unreasonable in their time expectations.

I'd like to ask you this...how does it affect you if he talks to his parents once a week?

You say "We've had the same call once a week for almost a year" but it's not YOUR call...it's his.

Once a week is perfectly reasonable. You just don't sound like you like them.

I have to push DH to call them once a week. He doesn’t want to. I find it full on, but they’re lovely people and I text with his mum all week. I don’t have parents and his have been wonderful and so accepting of me.

But it is full on to push him to talk to them once a week, and in non-lockdown times, to either have to make plans to see them or have them turn up.

DH’s way of dealing with this will be to put his phone on silent and ignore calls from them; which I have always thought was pretty mean. But maybe you’re right and I should leave him to do what he wants. I can guarantee that, lovely as he is, they won’t hear from him half as much. He feels stifled. He doesn’t want to tell them that we’re moving because he doesn’t want them to move any closer.

I forgot that no daughter in law can ever be right. I was hoping to find a balance that might work for everyone; but perhaps that’s too much to ask.

Fine for them to get in touch, but not fine to pester for reasons why the phone wasn't picked up, turn up unannounced expecting you to drop what you were doing, or make contact at all when you're on honeymoon! Best thing would be for your DH to give them very clear boundaries as they are far too pushy. You do get to say no to calls or visits if they are not convenient.

Why didn't he call back this morning. You need to tell them you're thinking of moving. It's a bit sneaky to say nothing. IMHO.

My mother can no longer communicate. We probably only speak to my husband’s mother two or three times a week, unless there is something specific to discuss.

Our children usually call once or even twice a day - often when driving to decompress after work or if they are bored. Sometimes our son cannot call for weeks because he’s deployed, that’s fine. Sometimes our future daughter in law and son in law call to discuss something; that’s nice but it’s often if they’re worried about something.
Our foster son calls about once a month. That’s fine too.

Is there a problem with phone calls?

I speak to my mum everyday even if its only a 30 seconds conversation about dog walking.
DW on the other hand hasn't spoken to her mum since boxing day (they have text once) and probably won't talk to her until restrictions are lifted and they can see each other.

I have 3 grown up beautiful daughters & 3 grandchildren. I speak to them at least every o

I have 3 beautiful daughters & 3 granddaughters. I speak to them at least every other day if not every day. They will ring me if I don't call them.

I have to push DH to call them once a week.

You don’t have to, you’re choosing to.

I guess it depends what their relationship is like.

Personally I think it's nice they talk once a week. I hope I speak to my sons weekly when they're older.

But telling him off because he didn't pick up isn't on.

Leave it to your husband to navigate the relationship, it's between them.

If your DH needs to step back a bit, you need to let him. Calling for a chat on your honeymoon? Seriously?

You don’t have to, you’re choosing to.

For them, not me. I get nothing out of it, but I don’t want them to feel abandoned. They’re quite full on people, they had a strong idea of what DHs life would look like. MIL cried when we got married, because the weather and the venue weren’t what she imagined. But she’s also lovely, and fragile, and DH is an only child. I was trying to find a compromise for everyone.

Leave it to your husband to navigate the relationship, it's between them.

Yeah maybe that’s the lesson here. I’ll step back and let him do what he feels is best. I don’t think it’ll be best for them, but I guess that’s not the point. It’s not my place.

From another perspective my DH mum is/was like this i believe. My DH doesn't call back straight away or will text and say ill call you on x day. Sometimes I thought he was harsh. But then one time when out for dinner, my SIL confided once in us that she had to text their mum daily/if she doesn't answer calls she gets bombarded with texts etc etc and SIL said how stressful it can be. My DH basically said don't enable her sis. Give her clear boundaries its better and healthier for her to learn boundaries. SiL showed me the messages. Definitely then understood why DH does what he does. Maybe your DH needs to also do this a bit more.

Calling for a chat on your honeymoon? Seriously?

Yep. Twice a week in the first week. He told them we were on our honeymoon and asked them to back off a bit. They waited 8 days and called us 12 times in a row. We were so worried that something had happened. No, MiL just missed him, and wanted a chat. They talked. Then they started randomly calling, but lots of times, so we’d call back to make sure nothing had happened.

There’s nothing wrong with weekly calls but these are peppered with arguing about why he didn’t answer when they called first time, what he’s doing that’s more important, why he won’t meet them, etc. They don’t call at the same time, they just expect us to be available when they call/drop round.

But I get it. Not my place. Leave them to it. They’ll all sulk for a while, and then it’ll repeat, exactly the same.

I call my mum (80) every day and see her once or twice a week, and see my dad every weekday lunch time. It's increased more as they've got older. You need to tell them you're moving before they put in an offer! I must say having them nearer is easier as they get older otherwise it's a huge lot of driving around. On the days that I see both my mum and Dad, it's over 100 miles round trip and takes much of the day, which makes it busy with homeschooling as well. Much easier with my dad who is 15 mins away but my mum doesn't want to move.

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This is patently not about how often parents are expected to talk to their adult children.

re your comments in quote marks:-

"They’re lovely people"

No they are not. What makes you think this of them?. They are overbearing, pressure you both and lack boundaries. They won't likely respect any boundary that is set by you people.

Would you have tolerated a friend or one of your relations for that matter calling you on honeymoon, no you would not have done. These people are no different.

Where are your boundaries at with regards to his parents?. They are far too low and need urgent revision. Stop with pushing him to call his parents once a week as well, you are merely playing into their hands by doing this (as is you texting his mother frequently, would urge you to cut down on the amount of texting to her going forward). Not all parents are nice and kind to their now adult offspring and his sound absolutely horrible. I don't blame him frankly for doing any of this:-

"DH’s way of dealing with this will be to put his phone on silent and ignore calls from them; which I have always thought was pretty mean".

They punish him for doing that though by they not answering the phone to him when he does call back. They expect him to be available to them at all times.

Re your comment:-

"But maybe you’re right and I should leave him to do what he wants. I can guarantee that, lovely as he is, they won’t hear from him half as much. He feels stifled. He doesn’t want to tell them that we’re moving because he doesn’t want them to move any closer".

Support your DH and present a united front to his parents. Let him deal with them primarily. He feels stifled because he is stifled. He does not have to tell them that you're moving house; you're both adults. They moving closer to you would have a deleterious effect on your marriage.

Your DH has known his parents far longer than you have, they have likely shown you only what they wanted you to think of them. They are far too pushy and ill mannered. You do get to say no to calls or visits if they are not convenient.

There will be no balanced relationship between you all going forward because his parents will only accept one point of view; their own.

But for heaven's sake, what if he was in the bathroom?

My children are adults and we WhatsApp a lot and will always message each other to ask if the other is free for a chat.

I would read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward to gain some more insight into what is happening here re the dysfunctional relationship between your H and his parents. Its not your fault or his for that matter they are like this and neither of you made them that way.

You need to tell them you're moving before they put in an offer!

DH is certain they can’t afford the house they want, but his dad also doesn’t want to move. His mum has been trying for years.

We put an offer on a house closer to them last year, we got to exchange and they pulled out and decided not to sell, so us moving won’t be a total shock to them, but I will tell him again to stress that we may well not be here.

And I’ll let him set the frequency of calls. He says he’d prefer fortnightly or so; but he wants it to be flexible and not stressful, and he’s happier with monthly when it’s like this. So I’ll just leave him to it.

I was genuinely trying to help.

It must be hard for him coz his mum is guilt tripping him when he doesn’t answer. And you are also pushing him to talk to her when he might not want to. That’s not gonna make a healthy relationship between them.

But for heaven's sake, what if he was in the bathroom?

He was genuinely in the bathroom, which he has spelt out to them a lot on the phone... but his mum got upset and walked off, apparently. He had his phone with him, and he didn’t shout to me, but I probably wouldn’t have got it anyway.... unusually, they didn’t try me this morning, I was free.

But it’s just how utterly upset and hostile it’s got, when he was in the bathroom for ten minutes or so. He did call back but they didn’t answer... and then he called this evening and now everyone feels crap. I’m sad that they’re sad; and that he’s so angry and sad, he’s annoyed and I’ll bet they are irritated and sad too.

I speak to my mum everyday whether it’s a 5 minute conversation or 30 minutes. Just to check she is ok and to see I feel she needs anything. my brother never calls.

Dh speaks to his mum once a week. His sister phones her mum every day.

And you are also pushing him to talk to her when he might not want to.

Yeah, I try to make it not like that, but maybe I shouldn’t. His mum cried a lot at our wedding, and told me that she really wanted more children, but couldn’t have them. She was so upset. They left really early in the end, well before the cake was cut or the dances that they insisted on before (we had quite a casual wedding, as I have no parents, but they campaigned for weeks for dances).

I feel like I’m walking a tightrope. Maybe the answer is to just stop, and let what will be, be.

I realise that but the road to hell is indeed paved with good intentions.

Have firm boundaries with regards to his parents and apply them consistently. Both of you need to present a united front to his parents, I cannot stress enough how important that is.

I would think his mum wears the trousers in their relationship and his dad goes along with his wife's excesses of behaviour out of both self preservation and want of a quiet life. He does not have to tell his parents you're thinking of moving house and besides which his dad does not want to move. I certainly would put more distant between you and they both physically and mentally.

Bit of a similar one here, DP's mum has in the early days of our relationship sent him emails saying she was disappointed in him and felt 'last on his list' because he hadn't answered her calls. He will also just ignore if he doesn't feel like chatting which I think is stupid and he should message saying when he will call them back. Ironically he sees and speaks to them A LOT more since he met me. But they also will call multiple times back to back if he doesn't answer which I find really odd. I just try and stay out of it, if he doesn't want to talk to them that's up to him and them to sort out. I do think the events of the last year have made them more needy, they went through a phase of turning up on the doorstep last summer too. I think although I hate the whole 'its a man thing', it is a man thing. I talk to my mum daily and rarely feel smothered by it, and if I do I just say so then she sends me loads of emails instead
Sounds like they could do with a conversation to set out some boundaries/expectations.