How often do you expect to talk to your adult children?

[SendMeHome]

Dh is current having a heated chat to his parents. They called this morning, and he missed it as he was in the bathroom. He called back, but they didn’t answer. He called again at 8pm, and now they’re chatting... but his mum is very annoyed that he didn’t answer, and wants to know what was more important than talking to them.

They’ve always been pretty full on, to me. When we met, his mum would find a reason to meet every single weekend... down to just showing up, if we avoided making plans, and getting annoyed if we weren’t home...

They did the same on our honeymoon, calling multiple times until we answered and then just wanting to chat.

They’re lovely people, but it feels like so much pressure. We’ve had the same call once a week for almost a year...

Tonight they wanted to tell DH that they’ve found a house that they like 15 minutes from our house. We’re hoping to move soon, but they don’t know that. I feel like he’s become the default answer when they’re bored or fed up...

He’s being quite calm at the moment and I’m trying to stay out of it, but I can hear them from the next room demanding to know why he didn’t answer, and reminding him that they are his parents...

His mum sounds like a gigantic narcissist, OP. Everything you say about her screams it.

DO NOT move closer to this person.

I speak to my mum everyday, sometimes just for 5 minutes though.

We have a family chat, and it's active all day. If I don't reply for a few hours I get private texts asking if I'm okay, followed by phone calls if I don't answer those. Sometimes I like just putting my phone in a drawer for the afternoon and watching tele or doing the garden etc, or sometimes I take myself off for a long walk so I have my phone but I'm not using it.

I find the constant need for contact really overbearing and stressful, and would much much prefer a weekly phone call of good quality than just shit pointless chit chat all day every day.

They( well his mum) want more than he wants/ has to give.
There is nothing you can do or say to fix that, so let them be. You can't take responsibility for behaviour you have no control over. Well you can, but then it's your own fault and doing if things go tits up and you feel like shit.

Their relationship is their own responsibility.

There is a history to this relationship that you will not be able to understand because you haven't walked in his shoes.

I love my Mum but she is and always has been manipulative. She wasn't always there when I needed her and interfered when she shouldn't have. It is incredibly complicated, confusing and she massively pushes my buttons. If you met her you would think she was wonderful. She does a great impression of being a sweet little old lady.

The only way I can cope with her is to give what I can when I want and ignore the constant guilt tripping. It's really hard. Your husband has my sympathies.

@wendyleen

There is a history to this relationship that you will not be able to understand because you haven't walked in his shoes.

I love my Mum but she is and always has been manipulative. She wasn't always there when I needed her and interfered when she shouldn't have. It is incredibly complicated, confusing and she massively pushes my buttons. If you met her you would think she was wonderful. She does a great impression of being a sweet little old lady.

The only way I can cope with her is to give what I can when I want and ignore the constant guilt tripping. It's really hard. Your husband has my sympathies.

This ^

Sadly my dad is very unwell at the moment, so I am currently visiting for care/support purposes 5 days a week and one overnight. On my two 'days off' there will be a minimum of 2/3 calls.

I'm also an only child and it is mind boggling hard work when you have a parents who is, shall we say, less than well adjusted.

I think a weekly phone call is fine, but the expectation, pressure, sulking and guilt tripping absolutely not. I admire your DH for having the desire and the kahunas to stand up to them...I wish I did with mine.