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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How often do you expect to talk to your adult children?

56 replies

SendMeHome · 07/02/2021 20:40

Dh is current having a heated chat to his parents. They called this morning, and he missed it as he was in the bathroom. He called back, but they didn’t answer. He called again at 8pm, and now they’re chatting... but his mum is very annoyed that he didn’t answer, and wants to know what was more important than talking to them.

They’ve always been pretty full on, to me. When we met, his mum would find a reason to meet every single weekend... down to just showing up, if we avoided making plans, and getting annoyed if we weren’t home...

They did the same on our honeymoon, calling multiple times until we answered and then just wanting to chat.

They’re lovely people, but it feels like so much pressure. We’ve had the same call once a week for almost a year...

Tonight they wanted to tell DH that they’ve found a house that they like 15 minutes from our house. We’re hoping to move soon, but they don’t know that. I feel like he’s become the default answer when they’re bored or fed up...

He’s being quite calm at the moment and I’m trying to stay out of it, but I can hear them from the next room demanding to know why he didn’t answer, and reminding him that they are his parents...

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/02/2021 21:30

Re your comment:-

"His mum cried a lot at our wedding, and told me that she really wanted more children, but couldn’t have them. She was so upset. They left really early in the end, well before the cake was cut or the dances that they insisted on before (we had quite a casual wedding, as I have no parents, but they campaigned for weeks for dances)".

Nasty, self centered and attention seeking behaviour from his parents right there. Your DH must have been a mix of angry, mortified and embarrassed at their behaviours.

You need firm and consistent boundaries. Please also support him fully re his parents here, he really does need you to be on the same page here.

snowone · 07/02/2021 21:32

I speak to my mum daily - sometimes several times a day, I see her in person 2/3 times a week as she is our childcare bubble. I speak to my dad 2/3 times a week. DH speaks to his parents 1/2 times a week but I know my MIL speaks to my SIL several times a day.

Standrewsschool · 07/02/2021 21:34

In our family, we have weekly phone calls.

He did try to callback, so I don’t quite understand why they are upset.

LeopardsCANTChangeTheirSpots · 07/02/2021 21:36

I've never called my parents up just for a chat. Only ever speak to them on the phone if we're arranging to meet up, and then it's usually them calling me. Obviously not possible at the moment, so haven't seen or spoken to them in the last year.

Barely spoke to them when I lived with them, and just carried that on when I left home.

I am speaking to a counsellor this week...

LifeExperience · 07/02/2021 21:40

Stop trying to manage him and let him handle his relationship with his parents. They're overbearing and intrusive and he has the right to set limits, whether they like it or not. You handle your relationship with his parents as a separate thing. And if they ask you why your husband isn't answering, etc., just say you don't know.

Moominmama5 · 07/02/2021 21:41

Daily when I’m not working and several times a week otherwise. I feel a bit sorry for your in-laws if he only wants to speak fortnightly. Maybe they pick up on the reluctance and feel hurt. Could he text to say he’s busy but will ring at a specified time?

ScatteredMama82 · 07/02/2021 21:42

@SendMeHome

I have to push DH to call them once a week. He doesn’t want to. I find it full on, but they’re lovely people and I text with his mum all week. I don’t have parents and his have been wonderful and so accepting of me.

But it is full on to push him to talk to them once a week, and in non-lockdown times, to either have to make plans to see them or have them turn up.

DH’s way of dealing with this will be to put his phone on silent and ignore calls from them; which I have always thought was pretty mean. But maybe you’re right and I should leave him to do what he wants. I can guarantee that, lovely as he is, they won’t hear from him half as much. He feels stifled. He doesn’t want to tell them that we’re moving because he doesn’t want them to move any closer.

I forgot that no daughter in law can ever be right. I was hoping to find a balance that might work for everyone; but perhaps that’s too much to ask.

Why are you pushing him to call them? I hate to say it but I think you are enhancing the problem here. Let him decide when he wants to speak to his parents. I say this from experience, and a very difficult relationship with my own MIL. I stay well out of it for my own sake and theirs.

Devlesko · 07/02/2021 21:47

We have 2 grown up ds, and one of them has 2 dd.

There is no expectation from either side, sometimes it can be daily if there's particular reason. Usually at least once a week.
We or they will skype ocassionally but not regularly.
Face book posts daily for all family members.

lljkk · 07/02/2021 21:47

oh dear. pre-pandemic, I could go months without talking to my dad. I like my dad a lot, too. But not much to say, especially now!! Dad has had some health issues, to nice to keep in touch since no visits since 2019.

DH talks to his mum about once a week. Nothing scheduled.

Buntysbosom · 07/02/2021 21:53

I video chat DM twice a week now. Pre Covid it was weekly.
Dad I speak to every few weeks.
DH spoke to his dad pretty much daily in the end as he was lonely once MIL went into a home.

gavisconismyfriend · 07/02/2021 21:53

Leave your husband to it. In the nicest possible way, it is your job to support your husband not to try and influence how often he contacts his parents. They are his parents and his choice as to his full on a relationship he has with them. I speak to my mother once a week because I feel I have to, if anyone tried to push me into speaking more often I would be furious and hurt. There are many reasons why I don’t want to deal with the intensity and expectation of my parent, your husband may feel the same and by enabling them you are invalidating any feeling he may have about this.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 07/02/2021 21:59

PIL used to do regimented weekly call at a particular time on a weekend. It was very strange. I think the most upsetting one was your Grandad had a heart attack on Thursday and we were both stunned they didn't ring us on the Thursday. I think it stemmed from them having the same set up with their parents but that was a time of landlines and neither of them had answer phones.

With my parents when you had something to talk to them about you just rang them. It could be a 1 minute call, the sort of thing you could text about today or longer.

Fast forward 20 plus years to now, MIL is sadly deceased so FIL rings me as he will ring when Dh is working, I am a SAHM. But he will also ring on a weekend to speak to both of us, we put him on speakerphone. It can be a quick call or an hour. But it is welcome and I think that is the difference. We also ring him but he is in more now because of Covid. Prior to that he was always out and about.

However, if I miss his call then I ring him when it is convenient to talk. He doesn't continually try, if he did I would know something was wrong. Your MIL needs boundaries. Your Dh needs to tell her that she is suffocating him. The wedding thing sounds horrific

TimeIhadaNameChange · 07/02/2021 22:03

My mum would have me talk to her every day. We do atm as she's not well, but twice a week is more than enough for me. DP calls his mother once a week and I'd say they have a far closer relationship.

Re the bathroom, my mum will run off the loo to get to the phone! Mine's on silent and I ignore it often.

AnneElliott · 07/02/2021 22:03

Goodness MIL calls every single day! I don't answer the phone if I know it's her - but she calls DHs two mo IKEA over and over again until he answers.

She also expects her grandkids (not DS but niece/nephews as they are adults) to call more than once a week!

Yes it's too much but I make sure I just don't answer the phone.

Stonehopper · 07/02/2021 22:09

@SendMeHome

And you are also pushing him to talk to her when he might not want to.

Yeah, I try to make it not like that, but maybe I shouldn’t. His mum cried a lot at our wedding, and told me that she really wanted more children, but couldn’t have them. She was so upset. They left really early in the end, well before the cake was cut or the dances that they insisted on before (we had quite a casual wedding, as I have no parents, but they campaigned for weeks for dances).

I feel like I’m walking a tightrope. Maybe the answer is to just stop, and let what will be, be.

OP, honestly, step back.you’re making things worse.

Is the fact that you don’t have parents colouring your view of your DH’s relationship with people who sound overbearing and manipulative? In his shoes, I don’t think I’d be keen to speak too often to someone who appears to have made my wedding all about them, and then cried and left early, and then kept phoning on my honeymoon and get shirty if I didn’t always answer the phone?

Dodododahdahdah · 07/02/2021 22:18

My sons only 9 but I will expect about two phone calls a day, till be death bed 😂

lifestooshort123 · 07/02/2021 22:20

My daughter and I text a dozen times a day, see each other a couple of times a week (childcare bubble) and talk on the phone every couple of days. My son and I text each other probably once a month to check we're all OK and one of us will follow up with a phone call about every 6 weeks. He's very happily married with a teenage daughter and they're quite a self-contained unit. I also text my daughter-in-law and my granddaughter once a month or so or WhatsApp them something funny I've seen. I'd like more contact but it seems to suit them and I know he'd be there for me if necessary. I don't want to be the mother-in-law you're talking about!

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/02/2021 22:29

She was so upset. They left really early in the end, well before the cake was cut or the dances that they insisted on before (we had quite a casual wedding, as I have no parents, but they campaigned for weeks for dances).

This is not the act of a lovely person.

chocolatecronetta · 07/02/2021 22:33

We face time a couple of times or so a week, it's nice to see the Grandchildren and chat about what they've been doing too and it's nice to catch the adult children on their own sometimes.

If I ring and they aren't able to take my call that's fine, they have their own busy lives, I wouldn't dream of asking ''what was more important than talking to us'', it could be any number of things that might well be none of my business.

Both my adult children who don't live at home now would think I'd gone mad and besides that it's rude.

Mine ring back or f/t back when it's a good time for them, if I'm not available they don't get silly either, that's life.

Love51 · 07/02/2021 22:37

I speak to mine a lot more now there's a pandemic and I have nothing to say! My brother does too - my parents said they suspect he's lacking adult company - I know I am too.
Mine are only round the corner so I go and stand in their garden. There is some form of contact between my house and theirs probably 4 days out of 7 (DH does their shopping, my mum knits for the kids, someone needs an obscure kitchen/craft implement from the other / they have a sled and a sleddable hill in their garden, we don't!)
Mum.is the sort to message rather than call in case I'm busy but I'll call her back on my lunch break. Not every day and often for sub 3 minutes.

ColdBrightClearMorning · 07/02/2021 22:40

I planned to respond to this thread but @AttilaTheMeerkat has said literally everything I wanted to, and far more eloquently. Listen to them. Screenshot their posts.

mummabubs · 07/02/2021 22:40

God I couldn't cope with that OP! Me and DH live 150 miles away from both our families. We've just learnt that our families have very different ways of communicating- I speak to my family probably 2-5 times a week and we have a WhatsApp group where all 5 of us post daily, but it's low level chat, not long conversations and we all enjoy it. We're also very relaxed about people not answering etc as we fit in with eachother's lives. DH's family by contrast were upset when we told them we were staying where we live now and say it's really hard for them especially now that we have DC, but then they go weeks and in some cases months without contacting each other at all (both ways - DH reaching out to his parents/ siblings and vice versa).

Scbchl · 07/02/2021 22:44

I dont have phone calls with my parents really very often but me, my mum and sister have a group chat we message on throughout the day.

Me and my dad WhatsApp pretty regularly and wouldnt usually not speak for anymore than a day or two..

trevorandsimon · 07/02/2021 22:44

Why was your mil upset at her sons wedding? Isnt that meant to be a joyful occasion?! I cant understand why you want to keep pushing him to talk to people that pressure him and are mean and horrible to him? You seem to interpret their manipulative and hurtful behaviour both in the past and in the present as ' lovely'. It's the oddest reaction.

DownstairsMixUp · 07/02/2021 22:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

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