He liked a naked video of his ex. Last straw?

[tumbleit]

I'm prepared to be told I'm overreacting, hopefully I am because it's bothering me so much.
I'm pregnant, due in 4 weeks. partner is very active on social media, always has been and not really a problem. He has a lot of friends on there which I know are not all friends, he has about 2500 friends on Facebook for example.
I've noticed he always "likes" photos of women, always sexy posy ones. It has always bothered me. Always has made me feel crap, but I've never said anything because I thought I was being silly, so ignored. The other day I noticed he "liked" a video, of his ex from a long long time ago, naked, dancing. Actually naked. Obviously the lighting in the video covered bits sort of but you can clearly see she's naked and the outline of her whole body. When I saw he liked it, I just thought enough is enough, I'm heavily pregnant, he doesn't compliment me a great deal, I find it very disrespectful.

So, I brought it up. I said could you stop liking other women's photos on social media, it makes me feel really shit. His reply was he went mad, said I was being ridiculous, he said they were just friends and I was being unreasonable. I stood my ground, said no, I don't find it acceptable and it needs to stop. He said he's just being complimentary. He agreed to stop reluctantly but I don't know if he will. Im not a particularly insecure person either, I'm happy with my body, even pregnant, I feel ok with myself usually, but this has knocked my confidence.

Am I being unreasonable here?

He actually said "so I can't have any female friends now then?" I know this is gaslighting, I've read about it enough

That's pathetic. He clearly has no boundaries. Men who have a lot of female 'friends' are often a liability. If we were trying to be kind about this behaviour, it's obvious at the very least that he has a very different idea of what constitutes an ideal relationship to you. You have different values it seems.

Also a liability for cheating is a self-esteem imbalance - either a man who has a large ego and think he's God's gift, or one with low self-esteem who constantly seek women to flirt with to validate him.

@Eckhart

Always has made me feel crap, but I've never said anything because I thought I was being silly, so ignored

NEVER NEVER NEVER do this again. In any relationship, friendship, with any family member, with any colleague.

Always respect your feelings. They are what makes you you. They are the core of you. They have a function: They signal to you what your boundaries are, where you should be, where you shouldn't be, who you should be with, who you shouldn't be with. They are signposts. Do not ignore them. If you do, other people will ignore them too.

You know how shit it feels when someone disregards how you feel? That's what you're doing to yourself, and thereby knocking down the fence and allowing everybody else (your boyfriend, in this instance) to do the same.

Next time someone does something that makes you feel crap, calmly tell them that what they did made you feel crap. Decide the future of the relationship on their response to this. If they are geared towards wanting you to feel better, good. That's called respect. If they are geared towards minimising or ignoring your feelings so that they can continue doing the thing that makes you feel crap, then put distance between you and them, and spend as little time as you can with them.

I think we know what camp your partner falls into.

Your feelings are all you have. You could have all the world's riches and privileges, you could live in a mansion on a golden white tropical beach and had a genie to bring you everything you desired, but if you felt crap, none of that would really matter, would it? Looking after YOUR feelings is your priority. Any decent partner will prioritise your feelings too; not necessarily to the extent of changing themselves, but to the extent of wanting to find a compromise, so that your feelings are respected equally to theirs.

Love this!!!

@EarthSight

Also a liability for cheating is a self-esteem imbalance - either a man who has a large ego and think he's God's gift, or one with low self-esteem who constantly seek women to flirt with to validate him.

Yeah he's the latter I think. He is an attention seeker, always on Facebook wanting attention. I asked him to delete snap chat a while ago because I caught him chatting to another woman about our problem. She wasn't a friend just someone he vaguely knew. I caught him, he tried to wiggle out of it but I knew he was lying. He wouldn't delete her or snap chat though, he said it's controlling of me to ask.

And theres that manipulative behaviour you didnt think existed before now op.

He is telling some random woman your personal relationship issues. Which is completely inappropriate. And when confronted, he twists the issue onto you and calls you controlling! For asking him to do something perfectly reasonable! More gaslighting.

I'm sure there are other examples if you look back of manipulation and mindfuckery.

It's not on op.
He displays a pattern of disrespect and DARVO.

Don't let him gaslight you or take the piss in other ways. He will only get worse, respect your own boundaries.

God he sounds like a kn9b.
Any way you can ditch him?
He'll get worse when the kid comes. Trust me.

@Worried830410

Op do you realize that when he likes other people photos and videos its open for everyone to see. Do you realize he is humiliating you? Making you look like a fool. And himself a sleaze. Yes we know the type, with 2500 friends and likes sleazy photos. His reaction tells you everything.

This

I think you know 100% that your 'relationship' with this sleaze is over.

It's only a matter of time before you actually catch him out anyway.

So. Forget him.

Concentrate on your baby for now. That's the most important thing. Yes, stay put right now if there's nowhere obvious to go - you don't need super stress so close to the birth. Don't have him at the birth if you don't want to. Once you've had the baby - concentrate completely on that. Recover, bond, ignore him.

As soon as you are back on your feet a bit - start thinking about how you can leave.

Give the baby your surname.

It's degrading for you and embarrassing that he is perving over these women. I'm not comfortable with social media I don't have it neither does my partner. I think for you to move forward he should delete his social media so you can rebuild your faith in him. If his not willing to do that then he doesn't value your relationship very much at all. Especially hurtful when you are caring his baby as well !

How long have you been together, OP? (sorry if I've missed this.)
So many red flags....

You are all absolutely right. I won't let him gaslight me anymore, I do have boundaries and I'm not going to ignore them.

Do men like this really never change?

We've been together almost 3 years

@YoniAndGuy

I think you know 100% that your 'relationship' with this sleaze is over.

It's only a matter of time before you actually catch him out anyway.

So. Forget him.

Concentrate on your baby for now. That's the most important thing. Yes, stay put right now if there's nowhere obvious to go - you don't need super stress so close to the birth. Don't have him at the birth if you don't want to. Once you've had the baby - concentrate completely on that. Recover, bond, ignore him.

As soon as you are back on your feet a bit - start thinking about how you can leave.

Give the baby your surname.

Yeah I do know it's over really. It's never going to work because he doesn't respect me, I get that now.

No they don’t, it also tends to get worse when you have a baby.
His excuse will turn to ‘but you give all your attention to baby’

YANBU

And his ex sounds pathetic. Naked dancing for all to see, FFS