He liked a naked video of his ex. Last straw?

[tumbleit]

I'm prepared to be told I'm overreacting, hopefully I am because it's bothering me so much.
I'm pregnant, due in 4 weeks. partner is very active on social media, always has been and not really a problem. He has a lot of friends on there which I know are not all friends, he has about 2500 friends on Facebook for example.
I've noticed he always "likes" photos of women, always sexy posy ones. It has always bothered me. Always has made me feel crap, but I've never said anything because I thought I was being silly, so ignored. The other day I noticed he "liked" a video, of his ex from a long long time ago, naked, dancing. Actually naked. Obviously the lighting in the video covered bits sort of but you can clearly see she's naked and the outline of her whole body. When I saw he liked it, I just thought enough is enough, I'm heavily pregnant, he doesn't compliment me a great deal, I find it very disrespectful.

So, I brought it up. I said could you stop liking other women's photos on social media, it makes me feel really shit. His reply was he went mad, said I was being ridiculous, he said they were just friends and I was being unreasonable. I stood my ground, said no, I don't find it acceptable and it needs to stop. He said he's just being complimentary. He agreed to stop reluctantly but I don't know if he will. Im not a particularly insecure person either, I'm happy with my body, even pregnant, I feel ok with myself usually, but this has knocked my confidence.

Am I being unreasonable here?

This isn’t necessarily a helpful comment given you are pregnant OP, but your partner sounds a bit creepy and weird. Friends don’t look at each other naked, so it sounds as if his friendship group is a bit odd (not that anyone has 2,500 friends).

From now on I would just keep a firm eye on the gaslighting as that is the serious bit. See how he behaves over the next 6/12 months and then make a call. Don’t commit to him further (eg buy a joint house if you haven’t) in this time, and keep your options open.

Does the rent come out of both your bank accounts?

If it just comes from yours then you could maybe phone the landlord and ask them to take his name off the lease.

Or you could shame him to his friends and family that he'd rather let you leave your home whilst pregnant (when caught being a sleaze) than have the decency to leave himself.

I'll have a look @Eckhart I haven't heard of it.
@Wanderlusto it comes out of my account, always has because I lived here on my own first.
I really can't split up with him right now, I'm not strong enough for that, with lockdown so no real support. the fact I can't afford this place by myself while on maternity. I just can't do it right now. I doubt my landlord would take him off either as he will know I can't afford the rent by myself while on maternity pay. The rent was put up shortly after he moved in also.

YANBU. He sounds a creep and a complete gaslighting knob. I wouldn't put up with this shit and nor should you.

I wouldn't like this nor put up with it - pregnant or not.

I left my second husband when life was even more complicated as he was incredibly hurtful, disrespectful and horrible at the most terrible time of my life (my son was dying from cancer). I couldn't stay in the same house with someone I could not bear to look at.

It can be done, even though you are having his child. Show him now what your boundaries are and stick to them. You will be stronger for it and you will be a great model to your child.

I'm sorry, OP. I just don't know anyone who uses FB like this. I would be extremely wary of your partner in this case.

@minmooch unfortunately I couldn't afford the rent and bills here even if I did end it

Is he at the very least paying his share of rent and bills?

Does he even think that you might leave him? Has it crossed his mind ?

Yes he pays about 70% of the rent and bills at the moment.
Not sure if it's crossed his mind I might leave him, I think financially he knows I can't though, my maternity pay just isn't enough to cover all the outgoings.

It will harder to leave on r baby arrives, as impossible as it feels leave now, or ask him too and start making plans, you'll feel
A weight of your shoulders not having to put up with his gaslighting and undermining your self respect.

@Tumblebugsjump he won't leave, we talked about splitting up before Christmas, his depression was bad then and he said he wouldn't leave this close to baby coming, we agreed at the time to try harder and see if we could work things out, I said I'd see how I felt after babys born. I can't make him leave his names on the tenancy.

When is your baby due?

Next month baby is due.

Do you have family you can move in with for a bit?

You can give up the tenancy at the end of the term? And then he will have to move or give them his payment details if he wishes to stay on as sole tennant (usually private tenancies are 6/12 months then just a rolling contract...?)

Perhaps you could afford a cheaper place on your own. Look into benefit entitlements. And bare in mind, he will have to pay you child support.

No one that I can move in with no, my house is all set up for baby's arrival I can't move right now. I'm not strong enough to leave him right now.

Hi Tumbleit you keep referring to his as being “depressed” has he been diagnosed with this and is he on medication - if so his condition should be stabilised. Does he drink or use drugs as these can have a negative impact on the meds. Does he take them as prescribe.
I’d be concerned his behaviour maybe escalating. Also if you can’t afford to leave him now when will you be able to.
Can you go to any family at all once COVID is levelled off.
Did his depression come up when you told him you wanted to split up as it maybe manipulation on his part.

If you can't leave, you can't leave, but you can do things to get stronger within yourself. He's emotionally and verbally abusing you, you do realise that, don't you?

You could speak to Women's Aid, and look at your options. There is help out there for you.

The reason you don't feel strong is because he is sapping your strength, and the reason you are staying with him is because you are not strong enough to leave. It's a vicious circle and the way out is not to stay with him, but to find external support to facilitate getting him out of your life.

Yeah he definitely has depression and is on antidepressants for it. He drinks occasionally but nothing major, no drugs. He was showing signs of being depressed about 5-6 months ago so before we started having problems. I simply can't leave him right now so close to the birth, I told myself I wouldn't make any major decisions until afterwards. I have older kids, teenagers, so I have them to consider also.

Something to read, in case you find it applies to you:

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/women-leave/

Completely disrespectful . And then turns around and says now he can’t have friends . Wonder how many of his male friends he likes dancing naked ?
Fuck him

By the way/ if you want to leave now but feel you can’t it’ll be 10 x harder when your child is here.

You are not being unreasonable. He should have not been so disrespectful. Would he be ok with you liking pics of naked men!

Perhaps its not right to leave now but make a plan for the future? Good luck

I'd have told him the first time, doubt he'll stop now, it's the type of person he is.
Hopefully he'll be well gone before your child picks up on his personality.

@tumbleit

Yeah he definitely has depression and is on antidepressants for it. He drinks occasionally but nothing major, no drugs. He was showing signs of being depressed about 5-6 months ago so before we started having problems. I simply can't leave him right now so close to the birth, I told myself I wouldn't make any major decisions until afterwards. I have older kids, teenagers, so I have them to consider also.

Not too depressed to like other girls on social media though.... . Amazing what comes out of people's mouths these days.