Things your friends won’t tell you

[IsIgnoranceBliss]

Inspired by a previous thread, could you share the sort of things that you wouldn’t say to a friend? E.g. you wouldn’t tell them something unpleasant that other people had said about them.

To be open, I have autism and am not sure what is appropriate to say to people. I would want a friend to tell me things, e.g. you smell or you look like you are behaving inappropriately, but it seems that others wouldn’t say.

Thank you.

Watching with interest actually as I am also autistic. DP is as well and we have no issue saying 'you're a bit ripe, put deodorant on' (this is if he's forgotten after a shower, not as a general rule that he smells, he doesn't) but I think most people don't work like this. Or maybe it's things only a partner can say?

I think some people have fragile egos or low self esteem and don't seem to want to hear anything negative (or percieved to be) about themselves.

I have a few friends who have had or are having affairs. I think they tell me because I am generally not too judgmental but I am actually quite judgmental about this. But I suck at confrontation and I assume they know that infidelity is not considered a good thing so I just nod and try to get the conversation over quickly. If it is a close friend I warn them about what they stand to lose but I don't explicitly tell them I think they are bang out of order

@NotMyPremium

Watching with interest actually as I am also autistic. DP is as well and we have no issue saying 'you're a bit ripe, put deodorant on' (this is if he's forgotten after a shower, not as a general rule that he smells, he doesn't) but I think most people don't work like this. Or maybe it's things only a partner can say?

I think some people have fragile egos or low self esteem and don't seem to want to hear anything negative (or percieved to be) about themselves.

I have no problem with telling someone they smell. I'd rather know the truth, and I don't like lying so I'm pretty honest with my friends.

I think I would rather avoid being friends with someone who smelt and behaved inappropriately, actually thats sounds a bit like my ex!

No i wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings so I would just tell them what I thought or who bad mouthing them. I surpose it maybe different with a partner or a best friend but just a friend or an acquaintance, no.

It really depends. I would want someone to tell me if I smelt!! Yes it would be embarrassing, but I would be more relieved that I had a that outside perspective so I could do something about it. Other people might be mortified and would not be able to separate that emotion from you telling them, kind of like an emotional shoot-the-messenger. They might be angry at you for it. I once tried to tell my housemate that her coats smelt (actually they smelt so badly that it made all of our clothes smell too). She hardly ever washed anything. She did not take it well.

Every situation is different, and sometimes it's difficult. If you know you're friend is very stressed and dealing with a lot, you might not to tell her that someone said something a bit unpleasant about her, unless you had to. At that moment it would make her feel worse, and hopefully she would see that you had the best of intentions.

However, if you knew that she was about to lend money to someone who had been saying unpleasant things about her behind her back, then that would be the sort of exception that I'm talking about. That's the time you would step in so she can make a judgment based on all the facts.

People vary a lot, within families and cultures too. Some people are brought up in families that are quite blunt to each other. They say what's on their mind more, which could be interpreted as either rude or honest by other people.

Your friend*

It depends really. I am quite good at long-term planning and I’ve seen some friends make really, really shit decisions where I could see the inevitable poor consequences coming from far away. And I care about them, so I instinctively want to warn them off. It’s been a hard lesson as an adult - ok, I may be right, but it’s still none of my business. I try to keep my opinions to myself and if asked will be much more balanced than I may feel.

Stuff like deodorant, affairs I don’t find difficult. Awkward, sure.

@NotMyPremium

Watching with interest actually as I am also autistic. DP is as well and we have no issue saying 'you're a bit ripe, put deodorant on' (this is if he's forgotten after a shower, not as a general rule that he smells, he doesn't) but I think most people don't work like this. Or maybe it's things only a partner can say?

I think some people have fragile egos or low self esteem and don't seem to want to hear anything negative (or percieved to be) about themselves.

@NotMyPremium

You don't have to be autistic to be that honest 😁 I definitely work like that and many other people do too. It sometimes depends on culture and individual personality.

@honeysuckle21

I think I would rather avoid being friends with someone who smelt and behaved inappropriately, actually thats sounds a bit like my ex!

No i wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings so I would just tell them what I thought or who bad mouthing them. I surpose it maybe different with a partner or a best friend but just a friend or an acquaintance, no.

Do you mean you would tell them someone was bad mouthing them but you wouldn’t tell them what had been said? Sorry if I’m misunderstanding.

Sorry I meant I wouldn't tell them

@NotMyPremoum Actually, I don't tend to tell other people though but it depends. Sometimes I have been genuinely disgusted at the lack of hygiene by my previous housemates and have told them so! I was quite angry that my body was being invaded by someone else's smelly feet, belly button, in-between toes, cum smell!!!!!!!

@honeysuckle21

Sorry I meant I wouldn't tell them

Thank you.

It’s seems that people would rather not hurt someone’s feelings in the short term rather than stopping them getting hurt in the long term.

@EarthSight

It really depends. I would want someone to tell me if I smelt!! Yes it would be embarrassing, but I would be more relieved that I had a that outside perspective so I could do something about it. Other people might be mortified and would not be able to separate that emotion from you telling them, kind of like an emotional shoot-the-messenger. They might be angry at you for it. I once tried to tell my housemate that her coats smelt (actually they smelt so badly that it made all of our clothes smell too). She hardly ever washed anything. She did not take it well.

Every situation is different, and sometimes it's difficult. If you know you're friend is very stressed and dealing with a lot, you might not to tell her that someone said something a bit unpleasant about her, unless you had to. At that moment it would make her feel worse, and hopefully she would see that you had the best of intentions.

However, if you knew that she was about to lend money to someone who had been saying unpleasant things about her behind her back, then that would be the sort of exception that I'm talking about. That's the time you would step in so she can make a judgment based on all the facts.

People vary a lot, within families and cultures too. Some people are brought up in families that are quite blunt to each other. They say what's on their mind more, which could be interpreted as either rude or honest by other people.

Thank you - this makes sense.

@shouldreallynamechangemore

I have a few friends who have had or are having affairs. I think they tell me because I am generally not too judgmental but I am actually quite judgmental about this. But I suck at confrontation and I assume they know that infidelity is not considered a good thing so I just nod and try to get the conversation over quickly. If it is a close friend I warn them about what they stand to lose but I don't explicitly tell them I think they are bang out of order

I am dealing with a similar situation of not approving of a friend’s behaviour with a married man and have been given similar advice about not saying anything but try to stop the conversations about it.

I find it difficult, as it is like watching a slow-motion car crash that you could maybe have prevented if you’d said something.

This is a really difficult question, because all rules have exceptions and it is sometimes hard to quantify them. A lot of times, people will tell you something indirectly to try and minimize hurt feelings. So someone who wanted to tell you that you smell might tell you about a really good deodorant or washing powder they use. Or if they think your hair is hideous, they may tell you about a really good hairdresser they know. This is a really hard for autistic spectrum disorder people, because in general they are very direct. In general, it is probably not a good idea to tell people something that would hurt their feelings in the short term and let them make their own mistakes in the long term. Unless they ask you for your opinion, in which case, tell them what you think.

@SunsetSenora

This is a really difficult question, because all rules have exceptions and it is sometimes hard to quantify them. A lot of times, people will tell you something indirectly to try and minimize hurt feelings. So someone who wanted to tell you that you smell might tell you about a really good deodorant or washing powder they use. Or if they think your hair is hideous, they may tell you about a really good hairdresser they know. This is a really hard for autistic spectrum disorder people, because in general they are very direct. In general, it is probably not a good idea to tell people something that would hurt their feelings in the short term and let them make their own mistakes in the long term. Unless they ask you for your opinion, in which case, tell them what you think.

Thank you. This makes sense, but it also makes me paranoid when anybody recommends anything as I need to read it as a possible indirect comment about me!

I tend to be long-term friends with people who speak directly as it is easier. But I also seem to attract new friends who aren’t, and then I really struggle.

@isignorancebliss
I am not saying it is right not to say anything. I am an utter coward. I have friends who have done things that are worse and really struggled to voice my concerns. I think ideally I think you should be able to say challenging things to your friends. If most people don't it is more out of self interest (not wanting to rock the boat or feel awkward) rather than care for the friend. Re your other thread though, people do have personap responsibility for their behaviour also. You are not responsible.

PS. Have you ever thought about moving to France? You would love it! People say what they mean. British social etiquette is a nightmare to navigate

Final thing, you are worrying a lot about fitting in and doing what neurotypical friends would do. Why should they not adapt to you? I love my autistic friends largely because of their honesty

[quote shouldreallynamechangemore]@isignorancebliss
I am not saying it is right not to say anything. I am an utter coward. I have friends who have done things that are worse and really struggled to voice my concerns. I think ideally I think you should be able to say challenging things to your friends. If most people don't it is more out of self interest (not wanting to rock the boat or feel awkward) rather than care for the friend. Re your other thread though, people do have personap responsibility for their behaviour also. You are not responsible.[/quote]
Thank you - it feels like not caring for a friend if I don’t speak out, so it is difficult. I will keep your phrase “You are not responsible” at the front of my mind.

@shouldreallynamechangemore

PS. Have you ever thought about moving to France? You would love it! People say what they mean. British social etiquette is a nightmare to navigate

This is such a good suggestion! Although I find I’m even blunter in a foreign language as I don’t have the vocabulary to be anything else.

@shouldreallynamechangemore

Final thing, you are worrying a lot about fitting in and doing what neurotypical friends would do. Why should they not adapt to you? I love my autistic friends largely because of their honesty

Thank you for saying this - your friends are very lucky to have you in their lives.

Haha blunt is fine there. I had a massive culture shock when I came back here as no one would say what they meant! What is it with people saying they are ok with something when they aren't? And answering "maybe' when they mean no?

@shouldreallynamechangemore

Haha blunt is fine there. I had a massive culture shock when I came back here as no one would say what they meant! What is it with people saying they are ok with something when they aren't? And answering "maybe' when they mean no?

We should get the Plain English Campaign on to this!

No way would I tell people that, I hate confrontation. If just not mention it but bitch in private instead? Surely everyone does that?