Things your friends won’t tell you

[IsIgnoranceBliss]

Inspired by a previous thread, could you share the sort of things that you wouldn’t say to a friend? E.g. you wouldn’t tell them something unpleasant that other people had said about them.

To be open, I have autism and am not sure what is appropriate to say to people. I would want a friend to tell me things, e.g. you smell or you look like you are behaving inappropriately, but it seems that others wouldn’t say.

Thank you.

@grassisjeweled

No way would I tell people that, I hate confrontation. If just not mention it but bitch in private instead? Surely everyone does that?

It worries me that people would bitch with others rather than tell the person. The bitching isn’t going to solve anything. Or does everyone bitch until the bluntest one in the bitching group cracks and tells the person?

I think it's best not to tell friends anything megative about their appearance, unless they specifically ask about advice on their hairstyle / clothes etc
But when it comes to more important htings that you think will help / save them from anything unpleasant, or warn then against certain people who possibly bad-mpouthed them - then yes, as they'd rather know. But say it tactfully, don't just blurt out the harsh truth.

Whereas personal styling / appearance / fitmess regime is more superficial and entirely their choice, and women especially feel sensitive about anyone challenging these. It's just no one's business unless they ask for an opinion.

In some countriies people just comment away on others' appearance, even not with close friends - I find it so rude! Like when someone hasnt seen you for a while and say 'Oh you've gone too thin / put on weight', or like my frend complaining about her DM who regular says 'don;t you want to do smth with your hair?' (she doesn't).

Thank you Cat. The point about not commenting on superficial things makes sense to me. The point about warning people that someone is bad mouthing them has a lot of different opinions it seems from my previous thread. I know life isn’t black and white, even if I wish it was.

I'm also autistic.

I prefer honesty in both directions. I've learnt over the years though that NTs have a bit of a 'social dance' which means they don't say anything generally. There does seem to he a general theme of be nice to someone's face and say it when they are out of earshot.

I don't talk about people behind their backs. I would never say something about someone that I hadn't already said to them and only then if someone else expressed concern about them.

Since school, people have told me that my honesty is one of the things they like about me.

But I know how hard NTs find it. It takes a while for them to understand that I'm not setting a trap and will genuinely respond with, "Oh, ok. Thanks for telling me," and not be upset about it if they tell me something negative.

I have a couple of friends who respond to every question I ask with, "Ok, well I'm only going to tell you this because I know you want me to give a truly honest answer and that's why you're asking." One in particular can never respond to her best friend with the truth because it upsets her and what she wants is to hear what she wants the truth to be. I dont understand that at al!

Avoid saying things that would hurt people's feelings but bring no obvious benefit.
For example someone smelling etc affects you and would turn other people off so worth mentioning.
Telling someone something unpleasant another person said - if it was just one person no benefit in telling. If your entire friend group are laughing at someone then yes, tell the someone.
Also if you are unsure don't tell them or ask another close friend to tell them.
TBH if your friends know you are autistic they should cut you some slack. My boyfriend and quite a few of my close friends are autistic...I have told them how specific things they say come across but on the whole I'm not too bothered about what they say as I know that they have the best intentions

Also it depends on what you 'areas of weakness' in terms of telling people things are.
One of my friends picks up on the correct things to comment on but is quite blunt. What he says is what I need to hear, he doesn't dress it up which annoys some people.
Another friend isn't blunt but gives an opinion when not needed. I.e. he gives suggestions on how I can do things better. From his point of view he thinks he is saving me time and making things more efficient. For me it implies that I am not capable as my way would have worked as well...
For people who are understanding you can explain your thought process and ask them to explain theirs..

@Notenoughsleeplastnight

I'm also autistic.

I prefer honesty in both directions. I've learnt over the years though that NTs have a bit of a 'social dance' which means they don't say anything generally. There does seem to he a general theme of be nice to someone's face and say it when they are out of earshot.

I don't talk about people behind their backs. I would never say something about someone that I hadn't already said to them and only then if someone else expressed concern about them.

Since school, people have told me that my honesty is one of the things they like about me.

But I know how hard NTs find it. It takes a while for them to understand that I'm not setting a trap and will genuinely respond with, "Oh, ok. Thanks for telling me," and not be upset about it if they tell me something negative.

I have a couple of friends who respond to every question I ask with, "Ok, well I'm only going to tell you this because I know you want me to give a truly honest answer and that's why you're asking." One in particular can never respond to her best friend with the truth because it upsets her and what she wants is to hear what she wants the truth to be. I dont understand that at al!

Thank you notenoughsleep. I find the “social dance” confusing and exhausting. And the being nice to someone’s face but being honest behind their backs seems so dishonest.

It really helps to know others have the same challenges as I can feel so isolated a lot of the time because I don’t know the “rules”. I find the threads on here can be really useful because a lot of people are comfortable being honest on them.

I find the threads on here can be really useful because a lot of people are comfortable being honest on them.

I discovered MN about 10 years ago and find it really useful for understanding how NTs work and what they're expected to say to each other. Its been my guide on How To Be A Person

Tbh, I still eye roll at a lot of what I read because the desire to 'just be nice' rather than honest in some people baffles me but I do really value the honesty shown too.

I agree that the social dance is confusing and exhausting and just such a waste of time! The reality hasn't changed regardless of what people say. So why lie?

I've learnt a lot of the rules now. Most of them still seem pointless but I understand that, in order to get on with others, some of them need to be followed. So I do my best.

I'll say nothing rather than give someone a fake 'nice' platitude though.

@WhoStoleMyCheese

Avoid saying things that would hurt people's feelings but bring no obvious benefit. For example someone smelling etc affects you and would turn other people off so worth mentioning. Telling someone something unpleasant another person said - if it was just one person no benefit in telling. If your entire friend group are laughing at someone then yes, tell the someone. Also if you are unsure don't tell them or ask another close friend to tell them. TBH if your friends know you are autistic they should cut you some slack. My boyfriend and quite a few of my close friends are autistic...I have told them how specific things they say come across but on the whole I'm not too bothered about what they say as I know that they have the best intentions

Thank you cheese - this is helpful. Especially the point about asking another close friend to tell someone if you are unsure. It’s lovely how you can see that your autistic boyfriend and close friends have good intentions, even if they are coming across as too blunt.

@WhoStoleMyCheese

Also it depends on what you 'areas of weakness' in terms of telling people things are. One of my friends picks up on the correct things to comment on but is quite blunt. What he says is what I need to hear, he doesn't dress it up which annoys some people. Another friend isn't blunt but gives an opinion when not needed. I.e. he gives suggestions on how I can do things better. From his point of view he thinks he is saving me time and making things more efficient. For me it implies that I am not capable as my way would have worked as well... For people who are understanding you can explain your thought process and ask them to explain theirs..

Yes, this makes sense.

My weakness is telling people they have broken the social “rules” if it means they might get hurt or hurt others. Even if I wouldn’t be personally affected. So the situation of a friend chasing a married man is quite distressing to me, as I can she is likely to get hurt and the man and his wife and children might get hurt.

I tend to stop hanging out with people who badmouth my friends so not an issue.

If it's two people I don't know that well o just stay out of it.

If I smell a bit then tell me discreetly see also something stuck in my teeth.

Don't mention if my skin is dry or flaky (eczema so can't do anything about it) or if I've put on weight (I know) or if you don't like my outfit (your opinion).

Telling people about others badmouthing them can end up with you being accused of stirring the pot.

@Notenoughsleeplastnight

I find the threads on here can be really useful because a lot of people are comfortable being honest on them.

I discovered MN about 10 years ago and find it really useful for understanding how NTs work and what they're expected to say to each other. Its been my guide on How To Be A Person

Tbh, I still eye roll at a lot of what I read because the desire to 'just be nice' rather than honest in some people baffles me but I do really value the honesty shown too.

I agree that the social dance is confusing and exhausting and just such a waste of time! The reality hasn't changed regardless of what people say. So why lie?

I've learnt a lot of the rules now. Most of them still seem pointless but I understand that, in order to get on with others, some of them need to be followed. So I do my best.

I'll say nothing rather than give someone a fake 'nice' platitude though.

If you actually wrote a Guide on How to be a Person I would buy it!

I can’t do the fake platitudes either. And anything like role play activities in training workshops at work are almost impossible.

@CorianderBee

I tend to stop hanging out with people who badmouth my friends so not an issue.

If it's two people I don't know that well o just stay out of it.

If I smell a bit then tell me discreetly see also something stuck in my teeth.

Don't mention if my skin is dry or flaky (eczema so can't do anything about it) or if I've put on weight (I know) or if you don't like my outfit (your opinion).

Thank you Coriander. So, things that can be fixed immediately like spinach in teeth or skirt tucked into knickers can be told, but it should be done privately.

@CorianderBee

Telling people about others badmouthing them can end up with you being accused of stirring the pot.

Thank you - I will add that to the useful pointers I received on my other thread.

Yes! Exactly that!

As a general rule I would avoid saying anything that would hurt someone's feelings unless they have either asked for the input, or there is a benefit in telling them.

For example, if a mutual friend A is otherwise nice and they've let off steam once that friend B annoyed them by being flaky with a weekend plan, then instigating a conversation with B purely to relay what A said is unnecessary and is likely to be viewed as stirring drama. But if B asked why A might have been a bit distant then it would be fine to say "maybe she's upset that the weekend didn't go to plan".

Or if an outfit doesn't look the best on someone, then you wouldn't say so when you meet for coffee, but if a friend sent you a photo of an outfit asking if you thought it would look nice for a date then it would be fine to say that you don't think it suits her and she has other lovely items.

@LolaSmiles

As a general rule I would avoid saying anything that would hurt someone's feelings unless they have either asked for the input, or there is a benefit in telling them.

For example, if a mutual friend A is otherwise nice and they've let off steam once that friend B annoyed them by being flaky with a weekend plan, then instigating a conversation with B purely to relay what A said is unnecessary and is likely to be viewed as stirring drama. But if B asked why A might have been a bit distant then it would be fine to say "maybe she's upset that the weekend didn't go to plan".

Or if an outfit doesn't look the best on someone, then you wouldn't say so when you meet for coffee, but if a friend sent you a photo of an outfit asking if you thought it would look nice for a date then it would be fine to say that you don't think it suits her and she has other lovely items.

Thank you Lola - whether there is a benefit to the person by telling them is a grey area I struggle with. But even if I can see a benefit, the posts on this thread including yours have helped to clarify who should say what and when.

And anything like role play activities in training workshops at work are almost impossible.

Same here. I don't have the imagination for it.

I do rehearse conversations I going to have with people I know though. And work out the things I want to say in advance. Like a script. Otherwise it's very difficult.

@Notenoughsleeplastnight

And anything like role play activities in training workshops at work are almost impossible.

Same here. I don't have the imagination for it.

I do rehearse conversations I going to have with people I know though. And work out the things I want to say in advance. Like a script. Otherwise it's very difficult.

I do the script thing too. It’s is so good to know others do this.

One of my friends told me that one of my colleagues was slagging me off in a professional context, saying I was incompetent, a terrible manager, etc. I already know the colleague was a snake and I couldn’t act on the information for various reasons. It really upset me (as I had to work with this person for a few months longer) and I’d rather not have known what was being said behind my back.

This isn't just about honesty, this is about thinking 'What right do I have to judge the actions of my friend?'

This topic isn't just an issue for someone who's autistic. It's an issue for a lot of people. Each situation will be different, with different personalities involved. You can't control what your friend does, but you can to some degree control who you surround yourself with. If your friend is acting in a manner that makes you lose respect for her, that's time to make a new friend. At the same time, some people are sillier than others in their youths and they have to learn the hard way, through a lot of mess making what they've done wrong.

In addition to all of this, I have noticed that women tend to treat each other about more with kid gloves, at least to each other's faces. Female friendships feel more emotionally tense and high stakes to me. Not exactly a relaxing environment to someone who's autistic I imagine.

Brits are also a little more guarded, more polite to each other's faces and less direct than some of the Europeans on the continent. I think you would find a lot of Poles and Dutch quite refreshing and less complicated in their communication.

@Roberta268

One of my friends told me that one of my colleagues was slagging me off in a professional context, saying I was incompetent, a terrible manager, etc. I already know the colleague was a snake and I couldn’t act on the information for various reasons. It really upset me (as I had to work with this person for a few months longer) and I’d rather not have known what was being said behind my back.

Thank you Roberta - your point of view is helpful. I’m sorry you were upset by what your friend told you. Do you mind saying if you stayed friends with them afterwards?

Parenting is what I really bite my tongue on, but I might offer suggestions if asked for advice.

Other than that few things bother me or I'm honest to begin with.

I've managed to keep my friends. All uhmm.. 3 of them?

@EarthSight

This isn't just about honesty, this is about thinking 'What right do I have to judge the actions of my friend?'

This topic isn't just an issue for someone who's autistic. It's an issue for a lot of people. Each situation will be different, with different personalities involved. You can't control what your friend does, but you can to some degree control who you surround yourself with. If your friend is acting in a manner that makes you lose respect for her, that's time to make a new friend. At the same time, some people are sillier than others in their youths and they have to learn the hard way, through a lot of mess making what they've done wrong.

In addition to all of this, I have noticed that women tend to treat each other about more with kid gloves, at least to each other's faces. Female friendships feel more emotionally tense and high stakes to me. Not exactly a relaxing environment to someone who's autistic I imagine.

Brits are also a little more guarded, more polite to each other's faces and less direct than some of the Europeans on the continent. I think you would find a lot of Poles and Dutch quite refreshing and less complicated in their communication.

Thank you Earth - these are all useful points.

I hadn’t seen telling a friend where they were risking being hurt as judging, but it seems that’s others do.

Walking away from a friendship where you don’t like one aspect of someone’s behaviour seems such a waste of the time and emotion each person has spent on the friendship - but I can see what you mean about losing respect for them.