Things your friends won’t tell you

[IsIgnoranceBliss]

Inspired by a previous thread, could you share the sort of things that you wouldn’t say to a friend? E.g. you wouldn’t tell them something unpleasant that other people had said about them.

To be open, I have autism and am not sure what is appropriate to say to people. I would want a friend to tell me things, e.g. you smell or you look like you are behaving inappropriately, but it seems that others wouldn’t say.

Thank you.

I discovered MN about 10 years ago and find it really useful for understanding how NTs work and what they're expected to say to each other. Its been my guide on How To Be A Person

I have said exactly this to so many people when defending MN! They tend to stop and smile at me a bit awkwardly/sympathetically, so I get the impression it is an odd thing to say. I don't care, it has been my saviour.

Also someone said that NTs get angry when you tell them the truth because they don't want that truth, they want the thing they actually WANT to be true to be the truth. This, 100%. All the earbashings I've ever been subjected to by my DM/DSis were because I wasn't good enough at pretending to agree with them.

Would you tell a friend If you didn't really like their current partner? She was in a bad marriage finally got divorced had a string of flings now is with someone for 3 years. They seem to get on well enough there was a few red flags but she doesn't say that anymore. I've said nothing as she seems happy enough but I don't think he's right for her and I think deep down she knows but doesn't want to be alone.

@IsIgnoranceBliss - yes, I did stay friends with the person. It’s a long friendship and we’re still good friends. I didn’t consider what she did to be a huge problem but it was just mis-judged. She was trying to look out for me and warn me about what was being said behind my back.

@Chocolate123

Would you tell a friend If you didn't really like their current partner? She was in a bad marriage finally got divorced had a string of flings now is with someone for 3 years. They seem to get on well enough there was a few red flags but she doesn't say that anymore. I've said nothing as she seems happy enough but I don't think he's right for her and I think deep down she knows but doesn't want to be alone.

I have told several friends that I dislike their partners but usually only when the partner’s behaviour crossed over into actual abuse. Unfortunately it doesn’t tend to go down well (though the friendships have continued) and most of the friends are still with the partners in question, still being abused in various ways. I wish they’d leave but I can’t make that decision for them.

[quote Roberta268]@IsIgnoranceBliss - yes, I did stay friends with the person. It’s a long friendship and we’re still good friends. I didn’t consider what she did to be a huge problem but it was just mis-judged. She was trying to look out for me and warn me about what was being said behind my back.[/quote]
I’m glad it didn’t destroy your friendship.

@ContessaDiPulpo

I discovered MN about 10 years ago and find it really useful for understanding how NTs work and what they're expected to say to each other. Its been my guide on How To Be A Person

I have said exactly this to so many people when defending MN! They tend to stop and smile at me a bit awkwardly/sympathetically, so I get the impression it is an odd thing to say. I don't care, it has been my saviour.

Also someone said that NTs get angry when you tell them the truth because they don't want that truth, they want the thing they actually WANT to be true to be the truth. This, 100%. All the earbashings I've ever been subjected to by my DM/DSis were because I wasn't good enough at pretending to agree with them.

Thank you Contessa - the point that people don't want the truth but want you to say the thing that they they want to be the truth is enlightening.

In the case of something unpleasant that someone else had said about them, it really depends on the context, how I'd found out, and how much my friend trusted the other person.

Generally speaking if someone says something insulting about a mutual friend I'm far more likely to tear a strip off them than go scuttling off to the friend and tell them what was said. The times I've seen this done it has always come across to me as the person who's in the middle being more interested in perpetuating drama than in the feelings of the friends involved.

I might warn someone if I felt they were trusting someone who didn't have their best interests at heart, but it would be based on me having seen them behave in an untrustworthy way rather than me reporting back on what had been said if that makes sense? So instead of 'do you know what Jane's been saying about you?' it would be 'Please be careful around Jane, I don't think she's trustworthy and she is definitely two-faced'.

Thank you Gliblet. This is useful
So instead of 'do you know what Jane's been saying about you?' it would be 'Please be careful around Jane, I don't think she's trustworthy and she is definitely two-faced'.
But what do you say when they ask why you think Jane is two-faced?

If I was going to approach someone with a sensitive topic like body odour, I’d take them to one side and out of ear shot of others, to avoid publicly humiliating them and id start by saying I’d want someone to tell me if it was me, but you do smell like body odour. And if I had a tin of deodorant with me I’d offer them use of that.

If it was bad breath, I don’t think I’d say anything 😂 I’m really conscious about my own breath and I think I’d be embarrassed if someone commented on mine!

Thank you Apple. I don’t really see why sweaty armpits can be mentioned but bad breath can’t, though!