Page 2 | Court order

Leanne1191 · 2021-02-06T21:01:22+00:00

Hi, If my ex has applied for a court order stating he wants to see our children every other weekend from Friday to Sunday can I try and negotiate with him in front of the judge that I want him to have them more than just every other weekend so I can work and also provide for the children? Secondly, will it just go in his favour because he has brought the court order forward and has requested to see them when he wants? Also he asked for mediation and I got the letter but never heard anything after and he has put on the court paper work that mediation was attended when it wasn't? Just need advice please.

Lbnc2021 · 06/02/2021 22:00

No you can’t. Just like he can’t ask the same of you

Pinetreesfall · 06/02/2021 22:02

@Leanne1191 would depend on your solicitor. I paid mine in chunks as they invoiced for it

Hazelnutlatteplease · 06/02/2021 22:03

What did he want to talk face to face with you about?

Starlightstarbright1 · 06/02/2021 22:05

@Lbnc2021

Even if they did give him a court order saying he has them more often it doesn’t mean it’s an order that he must take them, it just means that you have to make them available for contact at those times. By the sounds of it I’d try my very best to be arrange my life with the kids without relying on him in anyway, easier said than done I know but that’s what I’m having to do and trust me, it feels so much better just relying on myself than being constantly let down by some twat

This is what I was going to say.

If he is abusive the less time you spend with him the better.

He is not interested in the children.

If he is abusive you need to be logging it with the police, also mediation isn’t recommended.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 06/02/2021 22:06

I had to have a break from him because of the lies and mental abuse

You cant stop contact for this. You need to keep a routine for the kids sake. When you go to court everything must be framed in the kids interest.

Original poster

Leanne1191 · 06/02/2021 22:08

@Hazelnutlatteplease

What did he want to talk face to face with you about?

He basically wanted me to move on from him cheating on me and being with the woman he cheated on me with, he wanted the arguments to stop and the bickering but then does all this behind my back? He has also said I harass him because I have in the past called him a few times drunk as he's really hurt me but he expects me to dust it off and get on with it all like i should just be ok with everything. This man is a control freak and wants to just have everything his way. He plays on my mental health and knows when I'm vulnerable. So the talk last week was pointless........ it was to see me weak and low because he feeds off it.

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Original poster

Leanne1191 · 06/02/2021 22:09

@LittleOwl153

Annoyingly even with a court order which states he is to have them 3 nights a week it is only that you have to make them available 3 nights a week - not that he actually has to turn up for them. It also means that he can use the court order in a CMS claim to say he has them 3 nights a week so needs to pay a lower maintenance even if he never turns up for them - so be careful what you ask for.

I'd want him to have them every other weekend and two evenings a week that's what I would like?

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Crikeycroc · 06/02/2021 22:11

The court won’t force him to step up and be a good involved dad, no.
It is an interesting point though. If a mum went to court and said she was only willing to have the children EOW, social services would probably be contacted

Original poster

Leanne1191 · 06/02/2021 22:11

@Hazelnutlatteplease

I had to have a break from him because of the lies and mental abuse

You cant stop contact for this. You need to keep a routine for the kids sake. When you go to court everything must be framed in the kids interest.

I stopped contact because he told me last week if I didn't speak to him face to face he won't bring the kids home and that until we speak face to face they won't be back. That's why I stopped it.

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Original poster

Leanne1191 · 06/02/2021 22:12

@Crikeycroc

The court won’t force him to step up and be a good involved dad, no. It is an interesting point though. If a mum went to court and said she was only willing to have the children EOW, social services would probably be contacted

Exactly!!!!!!!!!

He don't pay me a penny either has lied about working and then goes off to the Caribbean with his new bird he cheated on me with

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marshmallowfluffy · 06/02/2021 22:19

You can't make him have them more than he wants to and you can't insist that his gf isn't there unless she's on the sex offender's register or something.

Basically he says what he wants. You agree or offer less/different days if it's inconvenient or unfair. You can't say you want 50/50 care if he's not keen as nobody would be looking after the kids sometimes.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 06/02/2021 22:21

Tread very very carefully.

You must now not be messaging about anything that isn't directly related to the wellbeing of the children. Dont get drunk for a while, then you are at less risk of drunk calling. Get in contact with your GP and ask for counselling. do what you need to move on, because you will need to find a way of dealing with him for some time without it impacting on your mental health. Get in contact with mediation quick and see if that bird has definitely flown.Do not mention the OW, your ex's relationships now aren't really your business.

Yy to organising your life so you are not dependent on your ex to work.

Original poster

Leanne1191 · 06/02/2021 22:22

@marshmallowfluffy

You can't make him have them more than he wants to and you can't insist that his gf isn't there unless she's on the sex offender's register or something.

Basically he says what he wants. You agree or offer less/different days if it's inconvenient or unfair. You can't say you want 50/50 care if he's not keen as nobody would be looking after the kids sometimes.

Can I not say every other weekend is fine but I also want you to have them two evenings in the week after school for dinner? I think that's reasonable.

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marshmallowfluffy · 06/02/2021 22:24

Btw he can go to court and get an order for every other weekend. If he doesn't pick them up then there's no repercussions. After a while you can take him back to court and get the order amended but he could start the cycle again of asking for EOW.

In your shoes I'd agree to EOW and not use a solicitor (just in case you were) Make sure the CAO is clear about how holidays, birthdays and Xmas will work so there's no manipulation about what happens if a birthday falls on his Saturday for example.

He's basically allowed to introduce whoever he wants to the kids and can even leave them with others during his time and there's nothing you can do.

Original poster

Leanne1191 · 06/02/2021 22:25

@Hazelnutlatteplease

Tread very very carefully.

You must now not be messaging about anything that isn't directly related to the wellbeing of the children. Dont get drunk for a while, then you are at less risk of drunk calling. Get in contact with your GP and ask for counselling. do what you need to move on, because you will need to find a way of dealing with him for some time without it impacting on your mental health. Get in contact with mediation quick and see if that bird has definitely flown.Do not mention the OW, your ex's relationships now aren't really your business.

Yy to organising your life so you are not dependent on your ex to work.

I've not drunk since New Year's Eve that was the last time I got drunk, I am having counselling already have been for 6 weeks and I've had to have therapy and medication change. I want to meet this woman first as she will be spending time with my kids and I do have a right as mother to ask that if hun surely?

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Starlightstarbright1 · 06/02/2021 22:25

See actually there is a point in what he wanted to talk to you about.

Don’t know how long you have been separated. You can feel whatever you want to feel but you do need to move on.

I can’t see why you are still discussing this stuff. If he is abusive I can’t figure why you want to talk to him- he is a cheat.

It does seem like there are issues on both sides- but never have I heard any parent want their children to spend extra time with abusive partner.

As for the comments on women the two women who I know who aren’t rp are appalling parents constantly letting their kids down.

Original poster

Leanne1191 · 06/02/2021 22:26

@Hazelnutlatteplease

Tread very very carefully.

You must now not be messaging about anything that isn't directly related to the wellbeing of the children. Dont get drunk for a while, then you are at less risk of drunk calling. Get in contact with your GP and ask for counselling. do what you need to move on, because you will need to find a way of dealing with him for some time without it impacting on your mental health. Get in contact with mediation quick and see if that bird has definitely flown.Do not mention the OW, your ex's relationships now aren't really your business.

Yy to organising your life so you are not dependent on your ex to work.

I will be ringing the mediation to see if I can do that because he's the one who cancelled the last one.

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freezedriedromance · 06/02/2021 22:26

You aren't listening. You or a judge cannot force him to have the children more than he wants to. If he doesn't want them in the week he doesn't need to.

Redruby2020 · 06/02/2021 22:27

Sounds a bit like my exP, though it hasn't reached court yet, if it will at all. As exP is now through the advice of SS, who have instructed me not to allow contact, and to let him take it to court.
But a few of the behaviours are like that of an abuser, there is quite a bit of manipulation going on, and now using the kids to get to you/get the result he wants!

Original poster

Leanne1191 · 06/02/2021 22:27

@marshmallowfluffy

Btw he can go to court and get an order for every other weekend. If he doesn't pick them up then there's no repercussions. After a while you can take him back to court and get the order amended but he could start the cycle again of asking for EOW.

In your shoes I'd agree to EOW and not use a solicitor (just in case you were) Make sure the CAO is clear about how holidays, birthdays and Xmas will work so there's no manipulation about what happens if a birthday falls on his Saturday for example.

He's basically allowed to introduce whoever he wants to the kids and can even leave them with others during his time and there's nothing you can do.

But I don't know her and she's a stranger? Surely that's not right........

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Original poster

Leanne1191 · 06/02/2021 22:28

@freezedriedromance

You aren't listening. You or a judge cannot force him to have the children more than he wants to. If he doesn't want them in the week he doesn't need to.

That's fine then because he wants to play games so I'll just say once a month ? He's all about control and having it his way he don't care about the kids he's doing this to get to me.

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freezedriedromance · 06/02/2021 22:29

Every other weekend is normal.. chances are he will get it. You saying once a monh out of spite won't do you favours with a judge

Original poster

Leanne1191 · 06/02/2021 22:29

@Starlightstarbright1

See actually there is a point in what he wanted to talk to you about.

Don’t know how long you have been separated. You can feel whatever you want to feel but you do need to move on.

I can’t see why you are still discussing this stuff. If he is abusive I can’t figure why you want to talk to him- he is a cheat.

It does seem like there are issues on both sides- but never have I heard any parent want their children to spend extra time with abusive partner.

As for the comments on women the two women who I know who aren’t rp are appalling parents constantly letting their kids down.

He's abusive to me not the kids.......

What do you mean in the last paragraph?

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Original poster

Leanne1191 · 06/02/2021 22:31

@Starlightstarbright1

See actually there is a point in what he wanted to talk to you about.

Don’t know how long you have been separated. You can feel whatever you want to feel but you do need to move on.

I can’t see why you are still discussing this stuff. If he is abusive I can’t figure why you want to talk to him- he is a cheat.

It does seem like there are issues on both sides- but never have I heard any parent want their children to spend extra time with abusive partner.

As for the comments on women the two women who I know who aren’t rp are appalling parents constantly letting their kids down.

I am moving on and I don't want to talk to him but he bribed me with the kids last week. Saying that I won't have them back the Sunday until he speaks to me face to face and I told him I'm not ready to talk to him but he insisted

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Redruby2020 · 06/02/2021 22:32

@Leanne1191 Honestly I've been through so much shit with him the last 7 months you would not believe! I've had previous threads that explains it all. He has been vile, abusive and manipulative too. But .... he should see the kids more than that I think it's right and I don't get why a court would rule that out?

Do you really want to have to endure more of his crap so that he can have the children more. I think if he has been abusive in the past and is being now, you shouldn't have to have contact with him because of your children if that makes sense.