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Original poster

Overbearing interfering mother in law to be

58 replies

Stargazer119 · 06/02/2021 17:05

New to this so please bear with me. LONG POST*
I’m really struggling to continue with my relationship due to my fiancé’s mother. My oh was still living with his ex when we met. She had cheated (she is now in a relationship with the guy) my oh and her have a 5 year old. When I met my oh he was upfront and said she still lived there whilst saving to leave + they had seperate rooms in the house. They kept everything quiet from his family until 3 months before she was due to leave... His mother then took it upon herself to get really really involved, wanted to know the ins and outs of everything. Wanted to go house hunting with his ex, kept inviting her for meals, shopping etc. Even tho my oh said they hadn’t really been that close before. His mum blames me for the break up, even tho his ex had cheated and everyone is aware of it. Anyway long story short she’s never liked me, we are civil to each other but every time she’s on the phone she mentions his ex, she meets up with her invites her round for lunch etc. His mum has started getting his ex to FaceTime him whilst they’re on a day out together saying her phone is out of signal and she wants him to see the LO. We had lots of snow 2 weeks ago and his mum went to his ex’s, his mum, dad, ex and LO went sledging and his mum was sending him videos of his ex and the LO. I think I’ve had as much as I can take of this now. He is too afraid to tell his mum, as he said he wants her to keep the good relationship with his ex for the LO. Please has anyone been in a similar situation??

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 06/02/2021 17:08

I couldn't stand this and if he's unable to stand up to his mum, I couldn't imagine a future with him.

Original poster
Stargazer119 · 06/02/2021 17:19

@Justmuddlingalong he will stand up to her with certain things but he said he refuses to ask her to back off totally from his ex as it’s better for the LO of his mum is involved. He won’t tell her that sending videos is inappropriate.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 06/02/2021 17:26

She doesn't need to back off from the ex, but if she wasn't that close to her before, it's odd that she is now. But she blames you for breaking them up. If that's untrue, your fiance has to man up and discuss what's going on and what her motivation is. The mil and his ex are part of your life and will be for a long time. Can you really see a future living like this?

YoniAndGuy · 06/02/2021 17:56

End it. This isn't really about his ex - it's about him and his mother.

The fact that she even dares to elbow her way in to his personal business in this way tells you everything you need to know about how your life with him will be - your future children, home, family - everything.

And you won't be able to completely draw a line, move to the other end of the country and keep her out of your life because you don't have any control of the elements involving his first child. So you're going to have to live near her, etc.

DON'T DO IT.

Honestly - it's enough to take on already with an ex and a stepparent position to fill. An interfering mother in law who he won't stand up to too? Just don't. Get out and save yourself a really, REALLY miserable life.

PandaVie · 06/02/2021 17:59

It’s a splurge of words, hard to tell what the OP is even saying. Expecting others to do the work!

Original poster
Stargazer119 · 06/02/2021 18:02

@PandaVie sorry what do u mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
Stargazer119 · 06/02/2021 18:03

@YoniAndGuy yes it’s getting worse and worse now. His mother is sticking her nose into everything. It’s becoming draining.

OP posts:
ij96 · 06/02/2021 18:05

@PandaVie

It’s a splurge of words, hard to tell what the OP is even saying. Expecting others to do the work!
Rude.
SuperHighway · 06/02/2021 18:07

Hard as it is, I would walk away from this. This situation will not improve, so consider if you can live with that.

christmasathomeagain · 06/02/2021 18:09

I actually completely understand her trying to become closer to the ex when she heard they split up. In my experience the family of the non resident parent usually miss out most in a split. They only get chance to see the children during visitation which for many is every other weekend. If they are used to much more then it would seem national to try and retain a relationship with the resident parent so they can still be a big part of childs life.

I also don't see the issue with her calling her son or sending pictures of the grandchildren.

Now her blaming you for the split when she knows the ex cheated and treating you unfairly is not nice - although in your op you haven't really given any examples of how she mistreats you so it's hard to judge.

PandaVie · 06/02/2021 18:09

I always think when people don’t try and ask a question clearly they’re not bothered to engage in true reflection or the answer, just offloading and expecting others to work hard to work it out, like I said, no paragraphs, no proper punctuation, just a splurge of scenarios and words ....

PandaVie · 06/02/2021 18:10

It’s rude to ask a question without thinking of the people reading it!

diddl · 06/02/2021 18:10

If she wants to blame you for the break up then I tink that she will, no matter what is said.

As for her seeing her GC & sending videos to her son, I can't see a problem with that tbh.

She can only "stick her nose in" as far as she is allowed to.

You don't have to tell her anything that you don't want to & what her son tells her is up to him!

ij96 · 06/02/2021 18:14

@PandaVie

I always think when people don’t try and ask a question clearly they’re not bothered to engage in true reflection or the answer, just offloading and expecting others to work hard to work it out, like I said, no paragraphs, no proper punctuation, just a splurge of scenarios and words ....
🙄 I'm guessing you have nothing constructive to say then?
Ohalrightthen · 06/02/2021 18:15

@PandaVie

It’s a splurge of words, hard to tell what the OP is even saying. Expecting others to do the work!
It's not Austen but it's hardly unclear, perhaps your reading comprehension needs work?
Original poster
Stargazer119 · 06/02/2021 18:16

@christmasathomeagain sorry I don’t think I explained properly, she is sending videos of the lo with his mother to my fiancé. I feel as if she is doing it to try and remind him what his family life would have been like.

OP posts:
lifestooshort123 · 06/02/2021 18:18

She is more involved with the ex because of her grandchild - she knows she might lose out. I would think she hopes they'll get back together for grandchild's sake and perhaps struggles to accept that she cheated and sees you as splitting them up as they were still under the same roof. I'd walk away personally as there's too much going on here.

Shakirasma · 06/02/2021 18:20

Is the ex in you MIL's bubble than? Cos that's just weird. I couldn't do it OP. I would have to give up on it all.

diddl · 06/02/2021 18:22

Is he really worth all of this, Op?

I know that I couldn't be with someone who has a child.

Missingthebridegene · 06/02/2021 18:22

I imagine MIL is worried about losing contact with the child and so is overly involving herself, and your partner just doesn't see a problem with it. For me it would be a real annoyance but it wouldn't be a deal breaker-just try and accept and keep your distance xx

muchalover · 06/02/2021 18:29

Relationships shouldn't be this hard. Your MIL won't change. Can you imagine pitting your child into this? Personally I'd move on.

MrsBrunch · 06/02/2021 18:35

Who wants to be with an immature man still tied to his mother's apron strings. I would walk away from this one.

billy1966 · 06/02/2021 18:40

OP,

This has stress and heartache written all over it.

She will dominate your life, take your peace, and he will allow it.

He has too much baggage.

Dump.
You deserve better.

Flowers
Meggymoo777 · 06/02/2021 19:19

@christmasathomeagain

I actually completely understand her trying to become closer to the ex when she heard they split up. In my experience the family of the non resident parent usually miss out most in a split. They only get chance to see the children during visitation which for many is every other weekend. If they are used to much more then it would seem national to try and retain a relationship with the resident parent so they can still be a big part of childs life.

I also don't see the issue with her calling her son or sending pictures of the grandchildren.

Now her blaming you for the split when she knows the ex cheated and treating you unfairly is not nice - although in your op you haven't really given any examples of how she mistreats you so it's hard to judge.

See, I completely agree with everything in this post. She is spending time with ex because she's afraid she'll miss out on dgc otherwise. What's Dads contact arrangement like? In what way has she been nasty/intrusive to you?
Meggymoo777 · 06/02/2021 19:22

[quote Stargazer119]@christmasathomeagain sorry I don’t think I explained properly, she is sending videos of the lo with his mother to my fiancé. I feel as if she is doing it to try and remind him what his family life would have been like.[/quote]
I think you may be reading too much into why she is sending videos etc OP. It's her grandchild, she's obviously happy to be sending time with them and sharing the moment with her DS. Think you need to tell us more about how she is mean or excluding towards you because what you describe is proud Nan behaviour. Maybe you're not suited to a relationship with a man that has a child/past with someone else?