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Original poster

Overbearing interfering mother in law to be

58 replies

Stargazer119 · 06/02/2021 17:05

New to this so please bear with me. LONG POST*
I’m really struggling to continue with my relationship due to my fiancé’s mother. My oh was still living with his ex when we met. She had cheated (she is now in a relationship with the guy) my oh and her have a 5 year old. When I met my oh he was upfront and said she still lived there whilst saving to leave + they had seperate rooms in the house. They kept everything quiet from his family until 3 months before she was due to leave... His mother then took it upon herself to get really really involved, wanted to know the ins and outs of everything. Wanted to go house hunting with his ex, kept inviting her for meals, shopping etc. Even tho my oh said they hadn’t really been that close before. His mum blames me for the break up, even tho his ex had cheated and everyone is aware of it. Anyway long story short she’s never liked me, we are civil to each other but every time she’s on the phone she mentions his ex, she meets up with her invites her round for lunch etc. His mum has started getting his ex to FaceTime him whilst they’re on a day out together saying her phone is out of signal and she wants him to see the LO. We had lots of snow 2 weeks ago and his mum went to his ex’s, his mum, dad, ex and LO went sledging and his mum was sending him videos of his ex and the LO. I think I’ve had as much as I can take of this now. He is too afraid to tell his mum, as he said he wants her to keep the good relationship with his ex for the LO. Please has anyone been in a similar situation??

OP posts:
Original poster
Stargazer119 · 06/02/2021 19:30

@Meggymoo777 she won’t have anything to do with me. Everytime she speaks to my oh on the phone she’s mentioning what the Ex is up too. I don’t feel comfortable with her involving my oh when she’s with his ex. I don’t see the need for him to be involved. She won’t come over if she knows I’m home. She dismisses me even being a part of his life.

OP posts:
FourDecades · 06/02/2021 19:35

How long have you been together?

BlueThistles · 06/02/2021 19:39

Leave .... this is no way to live 🌺

Meggymoo777 · 06/02/2021 19:41

[quote Stargazer119]@Meggymoo777 she won’t have anything to do with me. Everytime she speaks to my oh on the phone she’s mentioning what the Ex is up too. I don’t feel comfortable with her involving my oh when she’s with his ex. I don’t see the need for him to be involved. She won’t come over if she knows I’m home. She dismisses me even being a part of his life.[/quote]
That is definitely tough and really not nice to be treated like your invisible by your potential new in laws, sorry you've been treated like this.
What's the rest of his family like with you?
How long have you been together?
Only thing I will say from this post is that it may make you feel uncomfortable for her to involve your DP when she's with his ex by sending images/videos etc but unfortunately this is not for you to dictate. At the end of the day, this is his son and the mother of his son. It might be hurtful to you, and she may be trying to get at you but I don't think it sounds inappropriate on the whole really.
Is the relationship worth this? Are you able for a relationship with a man who has a child and other baggage?

christmasathomeagain · 06/02/2021 20:42

You need to separate this out. The sending videos and pictures of the child and ex isn't that bad and isn't going to change your partners feelings so if that is her plan it won't work.

Her refusal to recognise you in your partners life is the issue but your partner is the only who can tackle this. If he is refusing then you have a problem but the problem is more him than her.

You don't need your mil in your life and if your DH is happy to have separate lives than that is on him. I guess it depends how the separate lives impact on your relationship for example, if mil insists on celebrating his birthday in some way without you, whether she expects him to leave you alone at Christmas to be with her etc. That isn't on.

I would drop any gripes over her relationship with her grandchild and her dil (yes, even as an ex, she is still essentially a dil to her) and focus on your own relationship with her and how your partner can support this to improve.

MotherExtraordinaire · 06/02/2021 21:40

@Stargazer119

New to this so please bear with me. LONG POST* I’m really struggling to continue with my relationship due to my fiancé’s mother. My oh was still living with his ex when we met. She had cheated (she is now in a relationship with the guy) my oh and her have a 5 year old. When I met my oh he was upfront and said she still lived there whilst saving to leave + they had seperate rooms in the house. They kept everything quiet from his family until 3 months before she was due to leave... His mother then took it upon herself to get really really involved, wanted to know the ins and outs of everything. Wanted to go house hunting with his ex, kept inviting her for meals, shopping etc. Even tho my oh said they hadn’t really been that close before. His mum blames me for the break up, even tho his ex had cheated and everyone is aware of it. Anyway long story short she’s never liked me, we are civil to each other but every time she’s on the phone she mentions his ex, she meets up with her invites her round for lunch etc. His mum has started getting his ex to FaceTime him whilst they’re on a day out together saying her phone is out of signal and she wants him to see the LO. We had lots of snow 2 weeks ago and his mum went to his ex’s, his mum, dad, ex and LO went sledging and his mum was sending him videos of his ex and the LO. I think I’ve had as much as I can take of this now. He is too afraid to tell his mum, as he said he wants her to keep the good relationship with his ex for the LO. Please has anyone been in a similar situation??
I dated a lovely gentleman with a slightly older child, and he was the one still involved with the ex's family and I am afraid that for me I knew that though having that relationship should have been in the best interests of the child, I wasn't sure it was best for me. It was too interwoven and claustrophobic. I ended the relationship as I couldn't be the one to throw a spanner in the works and potentially the resentment and divide this may cause. Though a different situation, in your scenario I would gracefully bail out now and let their situation evolve and settle.
LouiseTrees · 06/02/2021 21:43

So all he has to do is say “ nice video. How is x? ( insert name of guy she cheated on him with)” every damn time

Original poster
Stargazer119 · 06/02/2021 23:36

We have been together 2 years now. I have spoken to him tonight regarding this, and he just dismisses it as me being paranoid. He doesn’t understand it from my view maybe because he’s not on the receiving end. He can accept his mother is sometimes ott but not interfering. He said he doesn’t think it’s normal for his mum to be so involved with his ex, but it doesn’t bother him and shouldn’t bother me. Which I find unfair, when I asked him if he would like it if it was me, my ex and my mother doing it to him he said no. But clearly feels it’s acceptable for me to have to tolerate. I won’t be tolerating this any longer. Thank you to everyone who commented.

OP posts:
YoniAndGuy · 06/02/2021 23:43

Listen.

Two years is NOTHING.

This is the rest of your life you’re talking about. Your family - what that family will look like. Your children. Whether you are happy or not. Everything. Everything important.

LEAVE HIM.

Floridaflipflops · 06/02/2021 23:46

Don’t marry him. Honestly it’s not worth the headache and anxiety that she will bring. My ex mil was a bully to me. She really stressed me out during my pregnancy and after various other stuff I went NC. I was talked in to letting her come to my wedding. She cried sad tears at the service and didn’t speak to me at all. She then caused a massive argument between my exdh and bil and ruined the night. I’ve not spoken to her since. To be honest I never got over how much shit I took off her and that exdh didn’t really stand up to her or his family. He started speaking to them after a few weeks which then left me on the outside.

I was told on here not to go through with the wedding as I was asking about letting Mil come but as ever most women want the wedding and the happy ever after but your attaching your self to a situation your going to regret. She isn’t going to go away.

Where they close before they split? I bet they wasn’t..

katy1213 · 07/02/2021 00:04

It's not up to you - or her son - to dictate your mother-in-law's relationship with anyone else. If it gets up your nose that she likes the ex better than you - that's tough. If she thinks family life with two parents would be better for her grandchild - well, she's probably right. And why are you listening in on all these phone calls? It really doesn't make the blindest bit of difference to you.

billy1966 · 07/02/2021 00:06

OP,
Glad you are not going to suck it up.

He's telling you exactly where you come in his life....that is last...

Imagine having children, his mother treating you badly, your husband telling you to get over it and you never, ever having a calm peaceful life.

Get away as fast as you can.

He isn't worth it.

More trouble than he is worth.

Him and his awful family.

He sounds like a weak wuss who will always put what works for him first.

Whatever he feels for you, it's certainly not love.

You deserve better.Flowers

BlueThistles · 07/02/2021 00:11

Good on you OP 🌺

Aquamarine1029 · 07/02/2021 00:14

Leaving this mess will be one of the best decisions you ever make. Your whole life would be a nightmare due to this fucked up dynamic.

DelphiniumBlue · 07/02/2021 00:16

Does MiL know something you don't? Sounds like she is trying to make a point to her son.

Italiangreyhound · 07/02/2021 00:33

I agree with christmasathomeagain separate out the issues.

"Her refusal to recognise you in your partners life is the issue but your partner is the only who can tackle this. If he is refusing then you have a problem but the problem is more him than her."

I do wonder if his mum thinks you are the reason for the break up because he kept quiet to his family about things for three months? Sorry that was not clear to me.

If you love this man, make him stick up for you to his mum. If he cannot maybe you need to remind her, if you have kids with her son she'll have to cosy up to you - I mean that slightly light--hearted but I think this is an area she has forgotten.

BlueThistles · 07/02/2021 02:21

Some people are just plain nasty ... future MIL might well be one of those people 🌺

AgentJohnson · 07/02/2021 04:34

Don’t marry him! She and he are unlikely to change.

I personally don’t think her involvement with the Ex is wrong or extreme or her sending him videos, it could be worse , you could be on the receiving end of her attention and I really don’t think you’d like that.

The dynamic between you, your partner and his mother, isn’t going anywhere soon and will be your future, don’t sacrifice your future happiness on the ‘I hope he sees’ altar.

timeisnotaline · 07/02/2021 05:15

Hi mum, if you won’t come over when my gf is here then you won’t come over. Thanks for understanding.
If they can’t set boundaries that reflect your role as a partner then it’s not a partnership and the relationship is doomed.

Lampzade · 07/02/2021 05:31

Leave this man. It’s not going to get any better,
He can’t see anything wrong with his mother’s behaviour and is dismissing your fears
Honestly, just get out now

FourDecades · 07/02/2021 07:05

If you're having major issues after only being together 2 years then you and him are not compatible.

The fact that he won't stick up for you will always be a problem.

TwilightSkies · 07/02/2021 07:09

You either accept the situation or leave, because it’s not going to change.

PinkyParrot · 07/02/2021 07:18

I think things will change eventually - imagine, say in 6 years time, ex has remarried, you have small DC, the present GC will be becoming a teen and less interested in DGM.
Things will be very different.

Can you move further away.
Tell DP not to show you pics from DMIL
Don't look at Fb.

You are being wound up by what's on social media - you know what to do! If you don't have the determination to stop looking then for your own sake you need to leave DP and find someone without other commitments.

Bopahula · 07/02/2021 07:24

I do think they're two completely separate issues. And I think it's nice that MIL has a relationship with her DIL still.
Upon meeting my MIL who was very lovely and stubborn, she said that i should know that DH's ex was still the mother of her grandson and still part of the family. It wasn't said nastily. They had a great relationship before I was in the family and that would continue. I never had an issue with it. And in fact when my DH became my exDH, she was exactly the same with me, and I still saw her as my MIL. she lived closest to me, so most weekends me and DD would pop in for a coffee/catch up. Much more than my ex saw her. I'm so thankful we did as she passed last year and my daughter has some lovely memories of those visits.
I can see where you MIL to be is coming from, she doesn't need to cut that relationship off.

However, the part where she is disregarding you isn't on. And you DP needs to sort that out because it's mean of her. She needs to accept you're part of his life and he needs to stand up to her to make that happen.

amylou8 · 07/02/2021 07:44

This would annoy me, but I don't see anything intrinsically wrong with it. His mum wants to maintain a relationship with her grandchild. The best was to do this is to maintain a relationship with his mum. Or maybe they just get on. How much contact with his son does your DP have? Could MIL be involved with this? You've tried to address this with DP, he doesn't see a problem. Ultimately you either need to put up or walk away.