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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you go based on this...

65 replies

Rustydusty · 05/02/2021 21:25

So, newish partner has been really good company during covid. He is really thoughtful and I've never met someone I've felt so comfortable around.

At least..until recently. Chatting the other day about how his landlord is a bit of a knob...and out if the blue he goes 'If he asks me to move out, I'll just blackmail him because he grows weed in an upstairs flat'. And I looked at him - and he had a poker straight face. And it kinda gave me the fear that he could band about the word blackmail so easily.

There was also an incidence where he was winding his flatmate up deliberately and his flatmate lost his temper. And he tells me the story like 'so I did this, this and this (all completely inappropriate things) and then you'll never guess what HE said/did to me'. As if he were the victim! And as if he were looking to me to go 'aww diddums did the nasty man hurt you?'.

Now I'm not sure what to think.

I dont want to walk away from a good thing...but...those things really didnt feel right. My gut went 'where the hell did that come from!?'

So I thought I'd ask mumsnet.
Do get out of this relationship?
Or would you give further benefit of the doubt if it were you? Baring in mind this is only 2 things in about 5 months. But both, recently.

OP posts:
fannyFERNACKERPANN · 05/02/2021 21:27

It seems like a red flag to me, especially seeing as he wasn't joking... also with the flat mate thing he seems to be giving people what he thinks they deserve, I think I would personally get out now before I was on the receiving end.

TheChip · 05/02/2021 21:30

Sounds like the mask is slipping.

Original poster
Rustydusty · 05/02/2021 21:32

Exactly what I'm worried about.

I hadn't seen any other narcissistic traits up till that but that doesnt mean he couldn't be something... similar.

OP posts:
cantgetmyheadroundit · 05/02/2021 21:34

I wouldn't necessarily say the mask is slipping, just that he has flaws, like the rest of us!

Original poster
Rustydusty · 05/02/2021 21:37

Well I've been tempted to put it down to - we all say silly things sometimes without thinking. But I'm not sure that I should.

And also, I dont get what he gets out if winding hs flatmate up. It doesnt seem to be mutual. That and the other things just make me think - how long before he flips this nonsense on to me?

OP posts:
honeysuckle21 · 05/02/2021 21:40

Red flag be careful you don't end up Bearing the brunt of his deliberate 'jokes' and blackmail, how they treat others is how they'll treat you.

Original poster
Rustydusty · 05/02/2021 21:42

Though see he has never once been nasty or made jokes at my expense or any of that shit that you get from the usual asshole. He really is great with me.

But just because someone is nice to you... doesnt mean they are nice, y'know. And maybe I'm just seeing the lovely side atm as he is still trying to impress me.

OP posts:
pinkandblueflowers · 05/02/2021 21:50

I would get rid now

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/02/2021 22:05

If nothing else he sounds like a bit of an immature prick and I'm not sure how attractive that can be really.

updownroundandround · 05/02/2021 22:18

I'm sure he was nice to his flatmate too, in the beginning............

He sounds like he's giving you a preview of what living with him would be like...................so don't ignore or excuse it, because you know it's NOT how a ''nice'' man treats people, is it ?? Hmm

Listen to your instincts, which are telling you to run as fast as you can away from this miserable excuse for a human !

Original poster
Rustydusty · 05/02/2021 22:23

Yeh, I suppose at best its immaturity.
And at worst, he's a sociopath lol.

OP posts:
sunnyzweibrucken · 05/02/2021 22:24

he's showing you his true colors. probably even testing the waters to see what your reaction would be. definitely a red flag.

irishoak · 05/02/2021 22:24

Reminds me of a few of the red flags I ignored in the beginning of my relationship with my abusive DH. I excused them all away because he was lovely to me, but that didn't last. Spare yourself the hurt.

Original poster
Rustydusty · 05/02/2021 22:27

How should I handle the split up do you think? I know the 'it's not you, it's me' is the safe bet. But tbh... I actually want to tell it like it is. I will likely see him at some point this weekend.

OP posts:
TheChip · 05/02/2021 22:27

Are you going to play it slowly and watch for more flags popping up, if they do. Or are you going to head for the hills?

Aquamarine1029 · 05/02/2021 22:28

Red flags waving for me.

He could be making things up to "impress" you, but if that's the case he's an immature fuckwit. Hard pass.

If he was being genuine, especially the one about treating his friend so badly, that's just creepy. I guarantee that one day you would be on the receiving end of his "teasing."

All in all, it's a big NEXT.

TheChip · 05/02/2021 22:29

If you want to tell it how it is, then maybe something along the lines of "you seem like a great person, but I dont think our personalities match very well"

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/02/2021 22:36

@Rustydusty

How should I handle the split up do you think? I know the 'it's not you, it's me' is the safe bet. But tbh... I actually want to tell it like it is. I will likely see him at some point this weekend.
Why do you need to tell him in person? It's a newish relationship and you've been put off by him showing bits of his personality that are immature and made you uncomfortable.

You're well within your rights to message or call him and say "thanks for some good times but I'm not feeling this anymore / things have run their course / this isn't working for me" rather than meeting up.

I've always thought it's easier all round in a relatively new relationship otherwise it's awkward to have met up only to be told you won't be meeting up anymore, or have to react on the spot face to face rather than having a minute to be a bit bruised or wounded (if he is, he sounds too immature to take it to heart much!) anyway.

Original poster
Rustydusty · 05/02/2021 22:46

He has my jacket (sentimental value or I'd let him keep it) so I'll need to meet him at least once for that. Think it would be rude to tell him just to post it.

Not to say I cant take just one more date with him to see how I feel and then break up via phone afterwards I suppose.

OP posts:
category12 · 05/02/2021 22:47

I'd just cancel seeing him and say it's not working for you.

CherryBlossomTree7 · 05/02/2021 22:52

If it doesn't feel right, it's probably not right. Definitely seems like his mask is slipping.

You could suggest going for a work sometime and ask him to bring your jacket. See how you feel then but most importantly, you've got your jacket back.

Then if things still don't feel right, send him a text telling him it's not working and how you feel.

honeysuckle21 · 05/02/2021 22:54

You can tell him honestly why but he won't accept his behaviour is bad, I would want my jacket too, could you not just ask to pop round and collect it as you really need it and then don't go on another date?

Original poster
Rustydusty · 05/02/2021 22:58

Yeah, sounds like a good idea.

My friends and family keep telling me to just wait and watch. And I have, a little. But...I don't think it's the right thing to do. Maybe that's crazy, throwing away something nice on the off chance it's going to turn...well, not nice. Bet in a month (or hell, a day) I'll wonder why the hell I did this.

But...guess that's better that than wishing I had.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rustydusty · 05/02/2021 23:00

...think I'm going to need about 10 cartons of Ben n Jerry's after this shit lol.

OP posts:
Nicolastuffedone · 06/02/2021 06:06

I’m not sure blackmail is a flaw.....and you know something isn’t right, after all, you’re on here asking. Personally, I’d run a mile. He sounds like a smiling assassin!