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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you go based on this...

65 replies

Rustydusty · 05/02/2021 21:25

So, newish partner has been really good company during covid. He is really thoughtful and I've never met someone I've felt so comfortable around.

At least..until recently. Chatting the other day about how his landlord is a bit of a knob...and out if the blue he goes 'If he asks me to move out, I'll just blackmail him because he grows weed in an upstairs flat'. And I looked at him - and he had a poker straight face. And it kinda gave me the fear that he could band about the word blackmail so easily.

There was also an incidence where he was winding his flatmate up deliberately and his flatmate lost his temper. And he tells me the story like 'so I did this, this and this (all completely inappropriate things) and then you'll never guess what HE said/did to me'. As if he were the victim! And as if he were looking to me to go 'aww diddums did the nasty man hurt you?'.

Now I'm not sure what to think.

I dont want to walk away from a good thing...but...those things really didnt feel right. My gut went 'where the hell did that come from!?'

So I thought I'd ask mumsnet.
Do get out of this relationship?
Or would you give further benefit of the doubt if it were you? Baring in mind this is only 2 things in about 5 months. But both, recently.

OP posts:

MyVikingLife · 06/02/2021 06:29

I think you’re being massively over the top with your reaction.

Did you ever read Jane Austen? Elizabeth Bennett is very fond of saying things she doesn’t mean and many of her near and dear don’t get that. You’ve known this guy for 5 months and you’re worried because he casually mentioned blackmail with a poker face? And told you some story that possibly you’ve got the wrong end of the stick about?

HOWEVER whatever is happening between you, the communication is lacking because you’re clearly not reading each other in similar ways. That alone would be enough to end it. If you continue there will be misunderstanding, offence, suspicion, you are too different.

Neenan · 06/02/2021 06:43

For me, I’d get my jacket back first. Wait for the next incident then call it off and tell him why. He may just be showing off or be immature but he certainly sounds as though he has some personality problems.

Poppins2016 · 06/02/2021 06:48

I'm going to quote Maya Angelou (this one is a MN favourite): "when someone shows you who they are, believe them".

muppette · 06/02/2021 06:57

@Rustydusty

Though see he has never once been nasty or made jokes at my expense or any of that shit that you get from the usual asshole. He really is great with me.

But just because someone is nice to you... doesnt mean they are nice, y'know. And maybe I'm just seeing the lovely side atm as he is still trying to impress me.

Yes but at some point down the line he'll do it to you.

He's not nice. I'd get out now.

Chunkymenrock · 06/02/2021 07:00

I see it that people have many shades of grey, None of us are perfect. If you like him, why not just tell him that what he's said makes you uncomfortable? Fgs, growing weed is an illegal activity and if he really wanted to bring the landlord down, he'd have done it by now. Sometimes we can all behave like an arse and other people bringing it to our attention makes us reflect and see it was a revolting way to be. We learn from it and become kinder/better. We all grow as people throughout our lives. Very OTT to just end it if you like him otherwise.

Eviebeans · 06/02/2021 07:12

The way a person deals with one thing is ultimately how they deal with everything.

Anniegetyourgun · 06/02/2021 07:44

You’ve known this guy for 5 months and you’re worried because he casually mentioned blackmail with a poker face? And told you some story that possibly you’ve got the wrong end of the stick about?

The blackmail thing could be a joke, fair enough. But I don't see what wrong end there is to get about the flatmate anecdote. Here is a guy who likes to wind people up until they snap. Kind of worrying.

Jobsharenightmare · 06/02/2021 07:50

The way a person deals with one thing is ultimately how they deal with everything.

I agree. One day he'll be sneering at you as you look at him hurt and wanting an apology and he'll say "aww diddums did the nasty man hurt you?"

Thingsdogetbetter · 06/02/2021 08:54

He's nicely laying the groundwork for needing somewhere to live isn't he?. Weed growing landlord who might want to kick him out, and flat mate who's mean to him. Any other issues with his accommodation? Is he really comfortable at yours? Treating it like home?

Original poster

Rustydusty · 06/02/2021 12:58

Funily enough he does like to joke about moving in. I shut it down fast though.

Jobsharing, I didn't say that to him if that's what your implying. Dont twist my post, thanks.

Exactly, anniegetyourgun. I dont know if I misread the blackmail thing but you can misread someone who tells you they enjoy winding people up for fun. And then gets offended when the innocent party snaps back at them.

OP posts:

category12 · 06/02/2021 13:08

I wouldn't choose someone who is a bit cruel.

Original poster

Rustydusty · 06/02/2021 13:08

And to the person who said to just talk to him about it - I'm tempted but I know that if I do that then in future I wouldnt know if he was really looking inwards and changing it... or if he was just hiding it better.

Think I can tell you now - it has been more than the two things. Just wanted to get an idea of these two things alone would be enough for ppl to take off running. But it's actually been more like fifteen things by this point. All just said things. And nothing mean towards me so I've been watching for a little bit. But I think it's time to call it a day.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/02/2021 13:14

@category12

I wouldn't choose someone who is a bit cruel.

This.

If you have to tell someone that their behaviour is nasty, they're still someone who naturally behaves in a nasty way.

We all deserve to be with someone who isn't naturally nasty. Who doesn't have a naturally nasty streak. The bar should be higher and you're right to be unsettled and turned off by it.

The moving in thing ugh.

Bin him off ASAP OP.

NotaCoolMum · 06/02/2021 13:14

You don’t need to justify any reason for ending it op- something isn’t sitting right for you and you’re wise to listen to your instincts. How many of us look back on past relationships and wish we’d done the same? Good luck this weekend xx

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/02/2021 13:15

And nothing mean towards me so I've been watching for a little bit.

Someone said to me once that if you're on a date with a man in a restaurant, you should watch the way he interacts with the waiter / waitress.

If he's rude, dismissive, patronising etc of them but nice to you - he's still rude, dismissive and patronising.

Original poster

Rustydusty · 06/02/2021 13:18

See from what I've seen if his interactions with people, he is perfectly normal and respectful. But he talks about winding people up.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/02/2021 13:22

@Rustydusty

See from what I've seen if his interactions with people, he is perfectly normal and respectful. But he talks about winding people up.

But the same applies - even if what you've seen in person has been ok but what you know of how he treats other people is to wind them up until they snap and then mock them. And to retell the story of doing so as if it's a badge of honour when to a normal person it makes him seem like a dickhead. Because he is.

You're right to think he's not healthy relationship material.

Original poster

Rustydusty · 06/02/2021 13:28

Yeh, and it was my feeling that telling me about it might have been a test to see if I would side with him or not.

OP posts:

honeysuckle21 · 06/02/2021 13:47

He doesn't sound that nice, talking about 'winding' people up, I think what he really means is he doesn't like people much, pretends it's a joke, when things aren't going his way, why would he worry the landlord would ask him to leave if he was a good tenant.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/02/2021 13:51

@Rustydusty

Yeh, and it was my feeling that telling me about it might have been a test to see if I would side with him or not.

Either that or he genuinely thinks it's an impressive, funny story each time. Either way he's not a keeper. Five months in definitely cut your losses.

Are you in lockdown where you are? Are you planning to just meet for a walk to get your jacket back if it's got sentimental value?

ginghamtablecloths · 06/02/2021 13:54

He may have been on his best behaviour with you over the last few months but if this is how he normally behaves then I reckon he'll be like this with you in due course. Manipulative types get their kicks like this so IIWY I'd get out now before it escalates as it is bound to do.

PicsInRed · 06/02/2021 14:44

Mine was like this, with his resentments, revenge, vendettas and punishments. Guess what the relationship was like once he thought I was stuck? Guess what it's like once that have a convenient, in-house target for scapegoating and punishment?

Can you guess how vile the divorce was?

Note that they also behave like this towards their own small children.

This is your warning and your chance, OP. Heed the red flags and leave whilst you can walk cleanly away - don't be me.

PicsInRed · 06/02/2021 14:45

@Rustydusty

See from what I've seen if his interactions with people, he is perfectly normal and respectful. But he talks about winding people up.

In other words, he is perfectly in control of his behaviour and abuses people on purpose.

ravenmum · 06/02/2021 14:58

Chatting the other day about how his landlord is a bit of a knob...and out if the blue he goes 'If he asks me to move out, I'll just blackmail him because he grows weed in an upstairs flat'.
So what he means is that if his knobbish landlord wants to chuck him out for no good reason, he'd be able to say "Well, if you chuck me out, I'll tell the police about your weed" and stay in his flat.
He's saying that he is clever enough to stop his landlord mistreating him, not that he is planning to use this information to get money out of his landlord in the long term.

The immature pranks would put me off, but ... well, neither of you sound very old?

I don't get the point of telling people their faults on the way out the door. What's the point if you're leaving anyway?

Original poster

Rustydusty · 06/02/2021 14:59

Man...was all psyched up to do it and my dad has just literally told me not to 'at least until after the cold weather'. Lol, not sure what's relevant about the weather but heyho.

I talked with him and brought him round to my thinking though. But he still thinks I should play it by ear. Fs.

We are in lockdown though have bubbled. Neither of us really see anyone (apart from his flatmate). Not to say his flatmate doesnt see others though, not sure about that whole situation.

Wish the cafes were open so that I didn't have to choose between braking up in a private residence or over the phone. Suppose we could walk somewhere.

OP posts:

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