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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you go based on this...

65 replies

Rustydusty · 05/02/2021 21:25

So, newish partner has been really good company during covid. He is really thoughtful and I've never met someone I've felt so comfortable around.

At least..until recently. Chatting the other day about how his landlord is a bit of a knob...and out if the blue he goes 'If he asks me to move out, I'll just blackmail him because he grows weed in an upstairs flat'. And I looked at him - and he had a poker straight face. And it kinda gave me the fear that he could band about the word blackmail so easily.

There was also an incidence where he was winding his flatmate up deliberately and his flatmate lost his temper. And he tells me the story like 'so I did this, this and this (all completely inappropriate things) and then you'll never guess what HE said/did to me'. As if he were the victim! And as if he were looking to me to go 'aww diddums did the nasty man hurt you?'.

Now I'm not sure what to think.

I dont want to walk away from a good thing...but...those things really didnt feel right. My gut went 'where the hell did that come from!?'

So I thought I'd ask mumsnet.
Do get out of this relationship?
Or would you give further benefit of the doubt if it were you? Baring in mind this is only 2 things in about 5 months. But both, recently.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rustydusty · 06/02/2021 15:04

@ravenmum

He said he would blackmail him for money too (ongoing)

I guess I want to tell him the real reason because I dont want him to think its something I might change my mind about.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/02/2021 15:10

@Rustydusty

Man...was all psyched up to do it and my dad has just literally told me not to 'at least until after the cold weather'. Lol, not sure what's relevant about the weather but heyho.

I talked with him and brought him round to my thinking though. But he still thinks I should play it by ear. Fs.

We are in lockdown though have bubbled. Neither of us really see anyone (apart from his flatmate). Not to say his flatmate doesnt see others though, not sure about that whole situation.

Wish the cafes were open so that I didn't have to choose between braking up in a private residence or over the phone. Suppose we could walk somewhere.

Sorry why does your dad get a say? And what does the weather have to do with it?!

Jobsharenightmare · 06/02/2021 15:11

Jobsharing, I didn't say that to him if that's what your implying. Dont twist my post, thanks.

Say what? I was quoting and agreeing with a PP that he seems cruel and may one day treat you badly aka saying yes a red flag from just your OP. I thought that was what you were asking people to give their opinions on. I haven't implied you said anything.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/02/2021 15:12

@Rustydusty

Man...was all psyched up to do it and my dad has just literally told me not to 'at least until after the cold weather'. Lol, not sure what's relevant about the weather but heyho.

I talked with him and brought him round to my thinking though. But he still thinks I should play it by ear. Fs.

We are in lockdown though have bubbled. Neither of us really see anyone (apart from his flatmate). Not to say his flatmate doesnt see others though, not sure about that whole situation.

Wish the cafes were open so that I didn't have to choose between braking up in a private residence or over the phone. Suppose we could walk somewhere.

What would be so bad about breaking up over the phone OP?

Your objective is to stop seeing him, so if you tell him over the phone that it's over then it's over. It doesn't matter if he thinks you might change your mind or not. You have ownership over your decisions here.

Neither your dad or your partner get to decide whether you should stay in this relationship. Only you do.

PicsInRed · 06/02/2021 16:00

I would question the lessons your father taught you growing up, and immediately dump the bf.

thegreysheep · 10/02/2021 16:48

My ex was nice to me for a long time. Then he started telling me about some of his behaviour at work and in public. He was actually banned from our local shop and bank due to his he treated staff. I told him his behaviour was bullying and he responded that at least he was bullying people in public, and but bullying me in private.
Well, it wasn't long before he started on me in the same way.
I left a while after.
So, beware OP.

thegreysheep · 10/02/2021 17:06

'Not' bullying, not 'but' bullying me in private!

litterbird · 10/02/2021 17:15

Well done for listening to your gut. Something is off and I would feel the same way if any of my boyfriends started talking about blackmail and winding people up. You're next when he hooks you in if you stay. You can break up any time by any means. Just get on with it if that is what you truly want. Its only a short while so the quicker you get out the less you will be attached. Good luck.

Opentooffers · 10/02/2021 17:24

I was going to say bide your time and you might see other instances, or they could of been one offs, either way you'd know soon enough. But given there are 15 cases, these 2 were just the tip of the iceberg and you've got enough already to go off. Bit concerning that he's painting a poor picture of where he lives whilst ' joking' about moving in with you so soon. I think it's time to get your coat - then bin him off

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 10/02/2021 17:25

Get your coat back.

Dump him by phone.

Block him everywhere.

This one likes a feeling of control, of having one over on people. That's not a person you need in your life, as before long, he'll be entertaining himself by tying you up in knots over things he's said and then denying them outright or acting all shocked that you've behaved sooo badly towards him - and he's also the type who is quite fond, in my experience, of a bit of secret recording and photography and stalking.

WeeMadArthur · 10/02/2021 17:38

@OP if he is fine with treating other people badly then it’s only a matter of time before he does it to you. Often it’s not until it’s more difficult for you to end things, like living together or pregnant. You need to listen to your gut here, not your Dad, why is he okay with you staying with this guy?

Get your coat and leave him.

SoulofanAggron · 10/02/2021 17:41

Trust your gut feeling. xxx

Anotheruser02 · 10/02/2021 18:03

Don't listen to your Dad it's your life..
I dumped someone for one comment recently that didn't concern me (about his ex and Mother of his child) because like others I can't be arsed finding out the long winded way that I would one day be treated like her. I didn't bother telling him why though because I knew he would use it to suggest I'm being petty/ OTT or making an assumption based on something that was none of my business. My friend thought I should give it longer, but it didn't sit right with me and I'm the one that would have been going with him not her.

Sssloou · 10/02/2021 18:19

I couldn’t be with someone who was cruel / mean / manipulative to another human being just for kicks ...... even if they treated me like a queen.

I couldn’t be a silent bystander in this persons life.

Well done you for trusting your gut and logging all the incidents.

Don’t think your DF is a good judge of character and it must be disappointing that he thinks you should suck it up or compromise.

JemimaRacktool · 10/02/2021 18:45

He is gradually escalating and iut has reached the point where you can;t not know about it any more.

I had an ex like this. I noticed a pattern in his behaviour that started to give me the heebies and as I suspected it was cyclical I decided to hang around to see if my gut feeling was right.

He had a job where he had to have access to clients property. The first few weeks were OK but gradually he started resenting working for the client and then got there later, left earlier and stopped working as well as at the outset. His job made a degree of mess and usually the client would start to complain when it went over the agreed time. With some jobs he stopped going completely. To get revenge on these clients who he believed were treating him badly (when the opposite was true), he would start to move things around to freak them out and steal things. Nothing particularly valueable but still bizarre and petty behaviour. Once I saw this was a pattern for the third time within an eighteen month period I began to get very nervous of him.

He would start out talking about his clients as if they were old pals and then things would go sour because of his behaviour and he would be absolutely vile to them and about them.

I left. I was very careful how I did it as I didn't trust him any further than I could throw him! Eventually he got the message though.

I believe he is a true sociopath. He seemed to have a totally different set of life rules from everyone else.

Take care. Don't put yourself at any sort of risk.

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