To leave him over this?

[BlackOutCurtains]

Before anyone says I should have left him sooner, I'd agree right now but when things are good I would say I'm glad I made the decision to stay.

2 years ago today, I found my DH on fab swingers messaging other people (he hadn't met them yet) and I watched the messages over a couple of days to see if he'd meet up. He didn't but the messages were disgusting, the site is disgusting and we split up for a few weeks over it. I took him back, we worked through it and finally we are in a comfortable space.

I found out on my SDD's birthday so every time it's her birthday, it's a painful reminder and I still feel upset about it. I didn't deserve it. Today, I woke up feeling sad and I know it was that that is bothering me.

We also got told this week that IVF will only have around a 10% chance of working after battling infertility for a while.

DH has stormed out, saying "he can't win" which is total bollocks but also I think 'you fucker' if I'd messed up so badly and was given the chance to rectify it, I would support my other half through whatever they were feeling, because it's my fucking fault they were feeling like that in the first place!!!!

I'm so angry. How dare he storm out all morning because he can't be arsed to be reminded of it? It's not as if I even bring it up at any other time.

I'm so angry, sad, confused, hurt

DH has stormed out, saying "he can't win"
Why did he storm out? Did you say something to him?

It's his DD's Birthday and you make the day about you. It sounds like.

Personally (I know most on here will disagree) I think you work through betrayal and then put it behind you and move on. Alternatively you don't and you call it a day.

@DrMorbius it's his daughters birthday tomorrow and you're assumption is wrong. I'm the one who has arranged her special cake, who has ordered her favourite balloons and specifically picked the present from us.

It's her day tomorrow, it was her day when I originally found out and one of the reasons why I didn't confront him then.

I've just been quiet and subdued, he asked me what was wrong over and over and over again. I snapped and said you would know why I'm feeling this way! He got up and walked out saying he can't win.

Sorry but you either need to let it go, or leave him. It's been two years and you're still thinking about it. If you can't let it go, it's not fair on either of you to try and keep this relationship going.

Its really not fair to keep holding this over his head every year. When you took him back, you took him back knowing what he did. If you can't get past it and forgive him, then that is now on you.

Ask yourself why you decided to stay with him. Honestly..
Would you really want to bring a baby into your relationship?
Ltb. Never too old to start over.

It's the worst day to bring it up, it's her birthday and it's supposed to be a happy for him too, it's selfish of you. If you have to talk about it choose another day. You are clearly not over this which is understandable but seek counselling or move on from him.

If you’re going through IVF (or contemplating it) that’s highly stressful so no wonder you feel like this!

Hmmm. I’m going to disagree with others. I’m in therapy (and also having couples therapy) following similar issues with my partner and all the advice I have been given is that recovery from betrayal trauma takes way longer than 2 years. If you are at a point where it’s now only mentioned on the anniversary of a trigger I think you are doing well. This isn’t you “holding it over him” it’s you sharing your ongoing feelings and you both working together to repair the relationship.

Today he was probably triggered too. I’d say have a check in when he comes back and clear the air, then pick yourselves back up again and keep going (if that’s still what you want). Sorry today is a hard day for you.

If you decide to stay with someone after infidelity or whatever then you have to forgive them and put it behind you, otherwise you should split up.

Can't get over these responses.

You're trying to accept him being a cheat (I'd call that cheating whether he met up or not). And it's sounds like he was cheating while you were trying to conceive.

No wonder you can't get over it. This is what happens when your brain and your instincts are trying very hard to tell you something ie he s shit partner, he had low integrity, you can't trust him etc etc and you're ignoring it and battering on.

Why did his relationship with his child's mother break up? Most women simply do not finish relationships with men they behave kids with for minor reasons (and most women are not unbearable, unreasonable bitches contrary to how they are portrayed).

Someone who's on sex sites exchanging sexual messages etc with others while you're together and trying to conceive a child is not good relationship material. You "worked through it". Tbh you shouldn't have .. and if looks like you actually haven't since it's still.(totally understandably) annoying and upsetting you.

Are the fertility issues yours, his or both? Would getting shot of him give you a better chance of having your own child with someone else too?

Ultimately, with a child of his own already, he doesn't have the save imperative you have to face one.

Forgiving someone isn’t the same as not feeling sad or hurt by the experience. OP has said that usually things are good between her and her OH so clearly she has forgiven him. Today was a hard day and she was sad and introverted. That’s allowed. She didn’t even confront her OH about what had happened - it was him pushing for a conversation about why she was feeling sad.

*same imperative to have one.

I also don't agree with the "forgive and move on".
He should have been reassuring to you, tbh that response would make me question if he was back on the sites so you made him feel guilty and he attacked to deflect you. But I have had my fingers badly burnt in this kind of situation.

finally we are in a comfortable space.

This incident and thread says otherwise.

You're still affected by it and he cant be bothered indulging anything to do with it.

Ask yourself this; what would his reaction have been if it was you caught on the sex sites exchanging the sort of messages he was exchanging?? And while you were TTC at that.

Would he have accepted it, would he still be there?

Are you in one of those unequal relationships : partly because you want to have a child and didn't want to have to find someone new and start from scratch and take the time it takes to get to the point of TTC?

You aren't over it, and you need to talk about it. I'd advise not bringing a baby into the mix just yet.

@OP Where is your self respect? What are you teaching your kids?

the messages were disgusting, the site is disgusting

This seems like deflection (off him).

He's the one who found, joined and participated in such messages on such s site; how come everything's being called disgusting but him.

No offence but it seems along a similar line to when women label an ow as everything they can, to deflect off their DH/dp - who was equally or more culpable.

It's not putting blame where it's due, in order to deal with it; but is it really dealt with. 2 years on, it's still making you sad and tainting things - and he's like "fuck this shit, I dont want yo listen to it".

I'm the one who has arranged her special cake, who has ordered her favourite balloons and specifically picked the present from us.

Did you get involved two years ago as well?

So while you (and presumably her Mum) were focusing on prepping for his daughter's birthday and trying to make it nice for her; he was focusing on sexting and no doubt wanking on a sex site behind his partner's back (since you found the messages on her birthday).

He is a fucker, yes. No doubt part of the reason his relationship with his child's mother broke down.

Honestly the more I read on Mumsnet, the more I think 95% of divorced and separated men are just circulating trash.

You are not in a comfortable space, it does not sound to me like you can get past what he has done on the swingers sites, perhaps you no longer respect or like him because of that (I don't blame you as I could not see someone the same way after that) It would be a dealbreaker for me.

I would not want to have a child with a man like that end of. If he is depraved and into stuff like that he is hardly father material.

I would be calling it a day and find a decent human being to spend my life with, in your position. This is not about birthdays or SD, this is about decency or a lack of.

(That's with the assumption he's not a widower obviously).

gai Seriously funny and spot on comment. I have often think the same privately. Circulating trash is a perfect description!

Can't imagine how hurtful this was OP and you're a bigger woman than me for taking him back... I simply couldn't do it.

But I do unfortunately agree with other PPs, you either forgive and put it behind you or you end the the relationship and move on. It's awful, and I feel terrible saying it but I really do think they are your only options x

Do you think your (understandable) upset over the infertility is making you lash out at him more than normal? If you have decided to stay and have a baby with him you’ve really got to be able to put it all behind you. For what It’s worth I wouldn’t have been able to stay with him. But I think it’s kinda weird almost having an anniversary of the day you found out. Whether there’s a birthday on it or not. It doesn’t sound like you’re as over it and in a calm place as you think. Did you guys ever get any counselling?

@gaijinetal That ☝️💯

I feel for you OP. Recovery takes a lot longer than just a few months or 2 years. Expressing your feelings or needs is not wrong.

You’re not holding it over him to gain an advantage, you were expressing an insecurity and upset. I would try and have a calm conversation. Emphasise how YOU feel but don’t accuse him and say “you make me feel” “you are xyz”.. Hope that makes sense.