To leave him over this?

[BlackOutCurtains]

Before anyone says I should have left him sooner, I'd agree right now but when things are good I would say I'm glad I made the decision to stay.

2 years ago today, I found my DH on fab swingers messaging other people (he hadn't met them yet) and I watched the messages over a couple of days to see if he'd meet up. He didn't but the messages were disgusting, the site is disgusting and we split up for a few weeks over it. I took him back, we worked through it and finally we are in a comfortable space.

I found out on my SDD's birthday so every time it's her birthday, it's a painful reminder and I still feel upset about it. I didn't deserve it. Today, I woke up feeling sad and I know it was that that is bothering me.

We also got told this week that IVF will only have around a 10% chance of working after battling infertility for a while.

DH has stormed out, saying "he can't win" which is total bollocks but also I think 'you fucker' if I'd messed up so badly and was given the chance to rectify it, I would support my other half through whatever they were feeling, because it's my fucking fault they were feeling like that in the first place!!!!

I'm so angry. How dare he storm out all morning because he can't be arsed to be reminded of it? It's not as if I even bring it up at any other time.

I'm so angry, sad, confused, hurt

I'm sorry, but I don't think men like this change. I was married to one for almost 20 years. I finally left him, and he's cheated on every partner since. How do you know he isn't still on these websites?

My fear would be that he would ramp this behaviour up, once you have a baby and are giving him even less attention.

If you weren't enough for him 2 years ago, what makes you think that you are now?

I don't think he will ever make a good family man. I'd honestly walk away now ESPECIALLY if the fertility issues are his.

@ElliFAntspoo I don't have kids and can't have kids!

OP I really feel for you because I similarly found my ex messaging another woman and I gave it two years of trying to forgive him - but he did it again and also became abusive toward me and blamed me saying I drove him to it because I didn't trust him - of course he wasn't to blame at all. The amount of times I got told that "you should be over this by now"

Its really hard trying to forgive something like this - have you perhaps considered that maybe you haven't and cant forgive it? And his reaction is borne out of guilt I would say, because he's aware that he is the one that caused your pain

I sympathise OP. I found similar about my H about seven years ago. We had counselling. He promised to change. I never trusted him. We had many arguments that sound similar to yours. I eventually ended the marriage last January and have honestly never been happier. Other people might be able to ‘put it behind them’ or ‘move on’, but I really couldn’t. Good luck

I will reply to these messages, they're not going unnoticed. I'm going to take myself for a long walk to clear my head and blow some wind through the fog in my head!

You are all right in one way or another, it was my personal choice to take him back and I don't believe he is still on those sites. He is very open now.

The fertility issue is on both sides, we knew about mine but his came unexpectedly after a semen analysis. IVF is our only option but with a 10% success rate and having to fund it fully (as he has a DD we are not eligible for funding). I feel very raw and I think it is magnifying other feelings about stuff by 100.

I've always got involved in her birthdays, we're very close. Her dad is crap with balloons etc. He would tell her to pick a present and card herself and he'd pay for it . She is still relatively young and her birthdays should be special, balloons, cakes etc. All her favourite things should be here on her special day. If I didn't do it, she'd get a card and some money. I want her to feel welcome, special and appreciated just as much as at her mums house.

Oh I know what he did is disgusting. Vile in fact!

Thank you for your messages

@ElliFAntspoo try reading the thread before you come out with insensitive crap.

I think you need to leave him. It's been 2 years and you still feel upset and betrayed, understandably! I don't know how long you can be in a relationship with this hanging over you

@Katrinawaves

Hmmm. I’m going to disagree with others. I’m in therapy (and also having couples therapy) following similar issues with my partner and all the advice I have been given is that recovery from betrayal trauma takes way longer than 2 years. If you are at a point where it’s now only mentioned on the anniversary of a trigger I think you are doing well. This isn’t you “holding it over him” it’s you sharing your ongoing feelings and you both working together to repair the relationship.

Today he was probably triggered too. I’d say have a check in when he comes back and clear the air, then pick yourselves back up again and keep going (if that’s still what you want). Sorry today is a hard day for you.

@Katrinawaves Completely, 100% this. That's what all counsellors and therapists would say.

You can forgive without forgetting, and feeling sad on D-day is absolutely allowed - it doesn't mean you're holding it over his head.

His reaction is more telling though - he should want to make you feel better but instead he's hiding his shame and embarrassment with anger and taking out on you.

People don't drop this behaviour. They just don't. He lied to you then and I'd put a lot of money down he is now. However, now he has the idea 'banked' that you've both 'worked through it' and he can now shut you down when things get difficult - which is what the walk out is about. That's very convenient. I'm sorry, but you are being played. I am not usually as straight up as this, but seeing women who do all the emotional work and try to 'fix' everything and trust men who can't be trusted (I'm afraid that has been proven here) makes me very sad, but always makes me want to shake you. He's shown you who he is. All the stress after the first incident - all that did was tell him he needed to hide his tracks better. This is who is and this is what he likes and wants to do - it will be closer to a compulsion than a decision he is willing to control. Unless you both went through extensive inside out therapy this is not 'over'. This behaviour does not just stop because you weep, threaten to leave and say it upsets you. "Split up for a few weeks" - that's a massive under reaction. I'm sorry, but you need to wake up before you waste any more of your life.

I'm 60 with tons of relationship experience with lots of men. Serious, long term, short term, as part of open relationships - the lot. I've said it a thousand times on here - sexual issues in relationships are almost impossible to 'solve'. Adjustments can made, things can be understood or accepted, communication improved, but substantial core behaviour change? - forget it.

This happened to me 10 years ago and I still haven’t forgotten it. Occasionally we argue about it still. I don’t trust him and I doubt I ever will. It’s hard and it messes with your head for ever more. It’s really sad and I’m so angry he did it and ruined our -previously excellent -relationship. That’s not to say there aren’t happy times, mostly we’re happy and he is a good man in a lot of ways but I do think he has some kind of sex addiction.
I have made the choice to stay as we have dc’s and he’s a good dad and is generous/loving. I guess I don’t want to go through the upheaval of divorce and then go to the effort of finding someone else who, as a pp said is just “circulating trash”! (Excellent way to put it!)

My advice to you would probably be to leave unless you want to feel like this for the rest of your life, always wondering where he is/what he’s doing. I feel I’ve left it too late now but who knows - maybe one day when the kids are older il change my mind.

(Most) Men are sex driven and will do anything for a bit of titillation. I hate porn and what it does to relationships.

I found my partner on fab 6 years ago and his profile had pics of his d* on! We sorted it or so I thought,but it was always on my mind,I couldn't forget what id seen,so we had problems moving past it but things seemed ok, I found him on it again not so long ago ...kicked him out...be careful op,I know exactly how you feel,that site is disgusting xxx

You're tying yourself up in knots, trying to forgive the unforgiveable. And he is losing patience with you, because in his eyes what he did is no big deal.

Given the opportunity this man wants to have sex with strangers who are swingers. He positively sought this out, because that's what he wanted.

You can't change him. The only reason he's not doing it now, is because you are stopping him. How long are you able to keep monitoring him so that he doesn't slip back in to dong what he really wants to do?

Add to this that he has defective sperm, and you want to conceive, I'd get out now.

There are literally millions of men out there, who wouldn't treat you like this.

@gaijinetal

Honestly the more I read on Mumsnet, the more I think 95% of divorced and separated men are just circulating trash.

Men* fixed

He would tell her to pick a present and card herself and he'd pay for it ..... If I didn't do it, she'd get a card and some money.

Op, he's an all round shit.

You're compensating for him being a thoughtless, lazy, indifferent parent.

If you met someone else you wouldn't have his fertility issue on top of yours, and you might get IVF funded if they don't have kids already.

He's an all round bad bet.

Cheater, inadequate Dad, issues around having a child ..

Bet he's shit in other ways too.

I found my ex on similar sites to the one you described. I was disgusted and for me there was no way back. You either move on, or you need to make a clean break. If you can't move on from it, you need to move on.

This is exactly why I would never continue with a relationship with someone who had cheated. Not because I couldn't forgive them, but because I would never be able to forget it. I wouldn't want to live my life constantly nursing that pain. Is this relationship worth that OP?

You haven't properly processed or resolved what happened, as you were so quick to take him back (not a dig!). You didn't take the space on your own to work through it.
Have to be honest, it's a bit unusual to be having this anniversary of grief. You either have to let it go or leave.
But whatever you decide, I would strongly suggest therapy. The issue hasn't been dealt with, which is why it rears its ugly head.

Just want to give you some positive recognition for doing nice birthday things for DSD that her own dad can't be bothered to organise.

I feel for you that the knee jerk assumption from some people was it's a stepmum so she must be selfishly making it about herself. I think you sound caring.

'You could have won by not beign a fucking cheaty scumbag. It was easy to win that one, actually.'

'You could also further 'win' by at least pretending to understand that yes, it's still deeply affecting me.'

Leave.

The problem with this sort of discovery/behaviour is that no matter how sorry or remorseful they are or how open and honest they become after you always know they are capable of it, capable of betraying you, deceiving you, and lying straight to your face.

You can forgive, you can try to forget but sadly you can never unknow what you know and just that knowledge alone changes things irrevocably forever.

It’s doesn’t mean to say their aren’t couples who can’t recover and go on to continue their relationship and be happy, but those couples really are in the minority especially over the much longer term.

It’s ok not to get over this, it’s ok not to be able to forgive. You are allowed to put yourself first, you don’t have to keep on trying to forgive him, you don’t have to keep trying to move on from it. It’s more than enough, and frankly more than he deserved that you at least tried!

Oh and you do the mum-work regarding his DD? What an absolute non-surprise. Double leave. That's SO telling.

And leave also because it sounds as if you have a better chance of being a parent with donated sperm, and a better chance of being a happy parent if this useless already non-dad isn't within a country mile of it.

His poor DD.

Yes to bloody circulating trash!

@ElliFAntspoo

TBH if OP hasn't learned her lesson in two years, nothing anyone can post here will drum any common sense into OP. It is just a pity party post now, and OP seems to just be looking for attention to feel good about herself.

So sick of posters like you... Good grief, who pissed on your cornflakes this morning??? Can we not just offer a bit of support, personal experiences and advice... you sound like you've more problems than the OP to be honest

If you met someone else you wouldn't have his fertility issue on top of yours, and you might get IVF funded if they don't have kids already

Excellent point!!