To leave him over this?

[BlackOutCurtains]

Before anyone says I should have left him sooner, I'd agree right now but when things are good I would say I'm glad I made the decision to stay.

2 years ago today, I found my DH on fab swingers messaging other people (he hadn't met them yet) and I watched the messages over a couple of days to see if he'd meet up. He didn't but the messages were disgusting, the site is disgusting and we split up for a few weeks over it. I took him back, we worked through it and finally we are in a comfortable space.

I found out on my SDD's birthday so every time it's her birthday, it's a painful reminder and I still feel upset about it. I didn't deserve it. Today, I woke up feeling sad and I know it was that that is bothering me.

We also got told this week that IVF will only have around a 10% chance of working after battling infertility for a while.

DH has stormed out, saying "he can't win" which is total bollocks but also I think 'you fucker' if I'd messed up so badly and was given the chance to rectify it, I would support my other half through whatever they were feeling, because it's my fucking fault they were feeling like that in the first place!!!!

I'm so angry. How dare he storm out all morning because he can't be arsed to be reminded of it? It's not as if I even bring it up at any other time.

I'm so angry, sad, confused, hurt

@ElliFAntspoo you're a horrible person.

@Ncforthis1234567 that makes perfect sense. Spot on. Thank you

@gaijinetal

Honestly the more I read on Mumsnet, the more I think 95% of divorced and separated men are just circulating trash.

⬆️ Mmmm HMMM. Yep.

The problem with this sort of discovery/behaviour is that no matter how sorry or remorseful they are or how open and honest they become after you always know they are capable of it, capable of betraying you, deceiving you, and lying straight to your face.
Yes this.
There is also no time limit on deciding actually it was unforgivable . It takes a long time for the full impact of the lying to be felt, if that makes sense?

OP, something for you to think about:
If you were definitely able to have children, either by yourself or with another man - would you still be sticking it out with this one?

I feel like you may have made your decision to forgive and stick with him on the basis of him being a known quantity in terms of fertility, and you not having to start the process again. A sort of combination of the sunk costs fallacy, and your biological clock.

I suppose what you have to ask yourself is, are you going to be happy with your decision to stay, if you put a lot of money into IVF and still can't conceive?

If you're going to have to self-fund anyway, would you be better off considering going it alone?

I understand that "anniversaries" are always going to feel difficult for you, but if you definitely 100% want to put it behind you both and move forward, you cannot keep on bringing it up.

For me personally I'd probably look at doing something around the anniversary just for yourself, so you don't have to deal with his bullshit at the same time as your painful memories. Just take time to go away on your own or with a friend, stay with family, whatever - but just be away from the situation. In fact the date means it's a great reason - "As you know I find your DD's birthday quite difficult. I don't want to be at odds with you when you should be concentrating on DD, so next year I'm going to have a weekend away - I know DD will really enjoy having you to herself for some daddy-daughter bonding time, and I'll video call on the day to wish her happy birthday."

If he complains about that, if he fucking dares to bitch about the way you deal with YOUR pain that HE caused - then, well, in your shoes I would be bidding him a firm goodbye.

ElliFAntspoo

TBH if OP hasn't learned her lesson in two years, nothing anyone can post here will drum any common sense into OP. It is just a pity party post now, and OP seems to just be looking for attention to feel good about herself

What clap trap. It took me 4 years to leave my first H. Nobody walks out on day 1, when you have so much stuff enmeshed. Also, I think most people try to forgive and move on, and after a few years realise that they just can't get past it.

It's important to remember there's no time limit on leaving due to cheating (which this is imo, regardless of there being no apparent meetings) or anything for that matter.
Just because you initially chose to continue the relationship (which you did v quickly), doesn't mean you can't end it at any time. That is your perogative.

@gaijinetal

Honestly the more I read on Mumsnet, the more I think 95% of divorced and separated men are just circulating trash.

Excellent.

Quote of the day goes to @gaijinetal

I really do second that once Exceptionally insightful quote - often felt we should have board somewhere on the forum for the best quotes ever, that would surely be one of them!

You can't help how you feel, of course. But if you have both agreed to stay together and work on the relationship then I'm afraid that takes work on both sides, regardless of who was in the wrong. And if you are going to be openly miserable and subdued (not criticising you for that) then you really ought to consider how you deal with him when he asks what is wrong. Just brushing him off until he asks once too often and you snap is not helpful to either of you and I am sorry but I can understand his reaction. At the first time of asking you need to tell him what the problem is (politely) or tell a white lie.

@BlackOutCurtains Can you speak with someone (therapist) who can help you work through this. Your SDD's birthday is a trigger, for sure, but the wound is still festering all year long underneath. Betrayal takes a very very long time to heal from, and honestly I am not sure that it ever truly heals completely.

Just because you initially chose to continue the relationship (which you did v quickly), doesn't mean you can't end it at any time. That is your perogative.

This. Absolutely. Two years, down the road, ten years, there is no statute of limitations.

@StrayGoose

Just because you initially chose to continue the relationship (which you did v quickly), doesn't mean you can't end it at any time. That is your perogative.

This. Absolutely. Two years, down the road, ten years, there is no statute of limitations.

Exactly. Or in my case, 20 years down the line and I am still not over it, and the dawning realisation grows daily that I never will be.

But in my mid 60s now I fear I would have a poor and lonely existence on my own with just the state pension to live off in 2 years time. And my adult children would never forgive me, or even get over the shock. They think after 43 years of marriage everything is rosy.

Friends, too. They would all vanish as they are 'our' friends, not mine, and they think he's a great bloke. Which he is in many ways.

Classic 'too good to leave, too bad to stay' syndrome that has lasted two decades since a similar betrayal on adult sites, where I saw what he had written, and also in emails to an old teenage girlfriend, where he wrote that his marriage was dead, and his wife needed a therapist. That was at a time when I thought, and he says we were too, still madly in love. It made no sense then and makes no sense now.

I still bring it up as there are so many triggers, and in the intervening years yet more stuff happened, not as serious but hurtful things that did not help heal the relationship. His way of dealing is passive aggression and it has worn me down.

So I can't say time heals and in your position I would go now, before there are any children involved. Good luck.