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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Housework, children, arguments, help?

75 replies

DeathToCovid · 05/02/2021 10:27

Hi all I’m looking for some opinions on my situation before a family meeting later. Might be a bit long.

Current situation is my DP of 2 years moved in in summer, end of August. I have 3 DC, 18,13,12. My eldest daughter of 18 has a boyfriend slightly older and he isn’t from the UK he’s from the EU but has settled status here now, when his live-in job ended in October, I allowed him to move in as he had nowhere and nobody here to go to, so I felt like I owed it to them to help out as I have the room here.

I acknowledged that he wouldn’t be able to contribute until he found a job, again, I’m quite a helpful and nice person so I allowed it.

My eldest currently does her college course from home a couple of days a week (covid) and works in Waitrose part time. Her boyfriend now has an intermittent job - no solid work hours or income.

The issue is, neither of them contribute financially, and I’ve been ok with that - however, neither of them do ANY housework, like, nothing at all. I ask my daughter all the time to clean the bathrooms, hoover, take the bin bag out etc, but she feels because she does college and works that she shouldn’t have to do anything. They do wash up after their meals and tidy their room, but that’s it, nothing else. Am I being unreasonable in thinking they should at least be doing SOMETHING?

They think because I don’t work (disabled daughter, no family help) I should be doing everything.

This morning an argument ensued, my partner and I now split the bills and rent ( he was out of work for a couple of months thanks to covid but now has a job ) and last night my eldest took the full bag out of the bin, tied it up and left it in the kitchen, my DP then asked her to take it out, she didn’t, so he said look if it’s not taken out I’ll switch off the internet, this morning it was still in the kitchen so he switched off the internet. She got annoyed, and an argument about their lack of anything happened. Now I must stress here I am a VERY quiet non confrontational person, my DP however will always speak up when he sees what he perceives as an injustice, she wouldn’t get why the internet was turned off and then she accused my DP of being abusive, because she was shouting over him and he raised his voice over her, she called him an arsehole and he told her to stop being a bitch. Her boyfriend got involved and said my DP was being unreasonable and controlling as I wasn’t sticking up for DP and he was asking me to, as confrontation makes me feel sick and anxious ( I need to work on this) due to previous abusive relationship.

Anyway, can people please help me out with this, please tell me if my DP and I are being unreasonable, over the top arseholes? Am I being a bad parent here? Do I need to leave my DP? How can I sort this out?

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 05/02/2021 11:09

When I was that age I paid 60 pounds a month board (this was 20 years ago) and I did most of the cleaning, laundry and cooked two family meals a week. Can you suggest she does food shopping and meals once or twice a week.

minniemango · 05/02/2021 11:13

Your adult daughter and her partner need to contribute financially eg 1/3 of their income.
They also need to contribute to the housework - sort out a rota so for example they clean the bathroom once a week, cook for everyone twice a week, are responsible for taking the bins out.

minniemango · 05/02/2021 11:14

Your younger teen also needs some chores to do. Everyone needs to contribute.

MMmomDD · 05/02/2021 11:15

I think your fear of confrontation is making you into a complete pushover. And is encouraging your daughter, and her bf to disrespect you.
In addition, it teaches your younger daughters that it’s OK to behave this way and to treat your home like a hotel with help.

There is absolutely no reason to provide home to a grown adult man, who isn’t working and not contributing to the household budget/chores. If he wants to live with his gf - he needs to get a job and rent a place. Otherwise - he can’t afford to be living with a gf. It’s just a fact of life.

And as to your daughter - she seems to think she is a child still. And is in need of some tough love, if you ask me.

Hagotcha80 · 05/02/2021 11:16

Your partner of a mere 2 years, who has already moved in, called your 18 year old a bitch.

OP.... for that reason alone he’d be out on his ear.

Hagotcha80 · 05/02/2021 11:17

And then I’d deal with the abysmal behaviour of my daughter and her partner

Lili132 · 05/02/2021 12:02

When I was your daughter's age I worked full time, studied and did fair share of housework. It would not even crossed my mind to live at someone's house and not contribute in any way.
It seems like the problem is that you and your husband have two opposite attitudes towards parenting. You don't feel comfortable with being assertive and he on other hand gets involved in power struggle and acts like a bully which only creates resentment.
You probably feel the need to compensate one for another which makes the matters worse.
Children need firm, respectful boundaries.
They need to know what is expected of them and why and what consequences will be if they don't follow the rules. They also need to feel respected and heard.
You need to sit down calmly as a family and have a serious talk about what rules and responsibilities need to be implemented in your house. Ask them what they can contribute and listen to them but also make it very clear to them that they have to do their share.

Original poster

DeathToCovid · 05/02/2021 12:27

I’m definitely a bit of a pushover, especially with my eldest, as I had her young at 17 so she grew up with me really, and experienced a DV relationship with me, I feel responsible for that, I’ve made bad decisions in my late teens and early 20s, and so I’ve always been a push over, in hindsight it wasn’t the correct thing to do, but all those years ago it seemed the right thing, it was all out of guilt I suppose. I’ve had therapy for it but it got cancelled due to funding cuts in the area, I definitely needed more to deal with the unhealthy coping habits I’ve adopted, but can’t afford it.

With my eldest, she has always wanted to be treated like a grown up, without wanting all the stuff that comes with actually being a grown up, I have pointed this out to her but she’s very hot headed and argumentative and always turns it back into it being because she was subjected to DV years ago, which I get, but she’s had lots of therapy and I’ve always been there for her, I’ve had many chats with her, apologised profusely and always tried to make it up to her. I actually asked her to leave during the first lockdown because we were arguing all the time about housework and she was disrespectful, she moved out for a while but I let her come back after a long chat. But nothings changed.

Yes 2 years wasn’t the ideal situation for my DP to move in but covid, job issues, life happened unfortunately. My DP isn’t a nasty abusive man, he’s done a lot for my girls recently, always there for them, he’s just seen how I’m treated and it’s ended up getting to him, he’s asked me to deal with it before, which I guess is partly my fault for not setting good boundaries with my eldest and her bf ages ago. If he just called her a bitch out of nothing I’d have left him right away, no questions, but she was calling him an arsehole, and he retaliated, rightly or wrongly we’ve all said things in the heat of the moment, I don’t think ending a perfectly healthy, loving relationship is the way forward? Or maybe I’m wrong?

OP posts:

Hagotcha80 · 05/02/2021 12:55

Each to their own
But any man that calls my teen daughter (in fact any age) a “bitch”, is not a man I wish to share my home or indeed my life with

Itstimetoquit · 05/02/2021 13:00

Sounds like everyone is getting irritated,have a family meeting and lay down the law,it's your home but everyone should pull there weight xx

Original poster

DeathToCovid · 05/02/2021 13:59

Thanks everyone, we are having a family meeting later, I just wanted to know if I was being unreasonable in expecting something from them. I feel like I’m being taken the P out of at times, I wish I could live somewhere rent and bills free and use it as a free hotel with housekeeping included.

OP posts:

bluet1t · 05/02/2021 14:03

I agree that they should absolutely contribute, but there's no way you should have let your DP call her names. How would you feel if her boyfriend behaved that way?

Ragwort · 05/02/2021 14:05

I'd be tempted to tell both your DP and your DD's BF to leave, sounds like you are running a hotel .... get rid of them both.

CallistoSol · 05/02/2021 14:15

A man calling my teenage daughter a bitch is a deal breaker for me. There are no mitigating circumstances here.

The rest? Well you're incredibly passive, but you know that so you either put up and say nothing, lay down the law and charge rent or ask your daughter and her boyfriend to move out. It's pretty simple really.

Original poster

DeathToCovid · 05/02/2021 14:16

bluet1t I agree and I’ve told him it was wrong and I’m not happy about it, but he thinks because she wants to be treated like an adult, if she calls someone and arsehole she can’t expect that person not to retaliate. Her bf has never been rude to me I admit but then again I guess it’s a different kind of disrespect in that he uses my home as a hotel.

Ragwort I have thought about telling everyone to leave because I don’t like tension, however my DP doesn’t use my home like a hotel he pays bills, rent, CT etc, does housework and would literally do anything for me and my DD’s. My daughters bf definitely does use my home as a hotel and it certainly feels that way at times, I’ve never ever had a thank you, nor an offer of anything not even to babysit my younger ones when I’ve been stuck.

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 05/02/2021 14:17

How they’re acting isn’t right; it’s completely taking advantage but he shouldn’t have called her a bitch. If you were more confrontational and argued back with him would he call you a bitch? I don’t really see how in any situation that’s ok. Did he also talk to you about what he was doing or just decide? Because that’s not ok either.

Original poster

DeathToCovid · 05/02/2021 14:21

I agree he shouldn’t have called her a bitch, definitely. We have had a couple of arguments over our 2 years but he’s never called me names or anything like that.

OP posts:

Hagotcha80 · 05/02/2021 15:32

@DeathToCovid

So he regards being an adult as being able to engage in abusive name calling?

Ragwort · 05/02/2021 15:37

I think you are bing an absolute mug to allow your DD's BF to move in ... and he (& your DD) are treating you with total disrespect. I have a 19 year old DS, no way would I be allowing a GF to move in. You need to toughen up.

And do your teenage DC really want to live with your DP? Sounds like he moved in too quickly as well.

sunnydays78 · 05/02/2021 16:02

I think the danger you’re running into is that this is your house yet your partner is setting the rules.
I’d sit everyone down and discuss what everyone’s jobs are. Make it very clear. I think your daughters partner should be doing a lot of it if he’s not working much. If they don’t agree he really needs to move out, he’s not your responsibility. They would then maybe see how much your doing for them.
I also thing you need to put your big girl pants on and stand up to the lot of them.

Original poster

DeathToCovid · 05/02/2021 16:08

We did ask the DC if they were ok with it or not and they said they were, I think the issue is that I’m a walkover with them for sure, and I need to get more tough and strict with them. My 13yr old really likes my DP and would be sad to see him leave, my 12yr old likes him too except when she’s on a phone ban then she hates us all for an hour, normal for a pre teen though?

Everyone is sitting down tonight to talk about it but the general thought seems to be to break up with DP? So it may be worth me holding off the chat until he’s left?

OP posts:

Original poster

DeathToCovid · 05/02/2021 16:13

I think I need a little free time to compute all this in my head, I feel rather overwhelmed with such big changes ahead, the loss of a relationship I was happy in, my 18yr old will probably leave with her bf if I say he’s got to go and we’ll be estranged, then I’ll have the upset from my other DC that my DP has gone to deal with. Feels a lot at once, I’ll cope as I always do, but I’ll be doing it alone as I have no family close and obviously COVID-19 so can’t have much support.

Is it selfish to try and take some breathing and thinking space for the evening whilst I try and get my head around it? Or is just ripping off the plaster so to speak, easier?

OP posts:

WunWun · 05/02/2021 16:14

I wouldn't break up with him over this The daughter was being a spoilt fucking brat. If anyone should move out it's the two of them.

WunWun · 05/02/2021 16:16

What are you talking about? You'd seriously end your relationship because a couple of people online think you should based on one second hand account?!

memememe · 05/02/2021 16:23

your dp was in the wrong calling your dd a bitch, however if thats the only thing hes done wrong then talk about it with him. youll know if you want to end the relationship or not, dont listen to a bunch of strangers who dont know either of you!

i think your dd and her dp need to pull their weight and start showing some respect.

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